sjn2003

There are two soldiers who have been lost in the desert for weeks and they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance.

As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts. "My God, Pepe!" says the first bloke "It's a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!" "You're right" says Pepe, "Praise the Lord!".

So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets within 5 feet of the tree, there is a sudden burst of machine gun fire and he is shot down in a hail of bullets. The first bloke quickly drops on the sand and calls across to the dying Pepe -

"Pepe, Pepe - what the hell happened?"

Pepe with his last breath calls back - "Ugh...it wasn't a bacon tree...


it was.......


a.........



a.........



ham bush !!!!

wmoore

Groan

sjn2003

Two fish in a tank.

One fish says, "have you ever driven one of these?".



That's it.....no more I promise

austensue

A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law.
While they are there the mother-in-law dies. They go to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home for £5,000 or they can bury her in the Holy Land for only £150.

The guy thinks for a while and then says, "We'll ship her home."

"Are you sure?" the undertaker asks. "That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."

The guy says, "Look, 2,000 years ago they buried a bloke here and three days later he rose from the dead.

"I just can't take that chance."
:scared:

Pollyana

scutterUK

here's a few that i thought would cheer everyone up...

scutterUK

...more

scutterUK

....

scutterUK

....>

scutterUK

...

scutterUK

..and lastly...

scutterUK

oh go on then... one more... forgive the >> marks.

> > A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when
> > she accidentally cut off a truck driver. He motioned for her to pull
> > over.
> >
> > When she did, he got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from
> > his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly
> > commanded the blonde "stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"
> > He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.
> >
> > When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said "Oh
> > you think that's funny? Watch this!" He gets a baseball bat out of his
> > truck and breaks every window in her car.
> >
> > When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face. He is
> > getting
> > really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires. Now
> > she's laughing. The truck driver is really starting to lose it.
> >
> > He goes back to his truck and gets a can of gas, pours it on her car
and
> > sets it on fire. He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is
> > about
> > to fall down.
> >
> > "What's so funny?" the truck driver asked the blonde.
> >
> > She replied, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the
> > circle!"

scutterUK

..now this IS the last one i promise...

it's entitled, never leave your laptop in a blondes bathroom.

and in my opinion, it's the best thing to do with a mac :P

Bix da Boss

lol

Trevglas

Letter to Dr Ruth