Go Banana's !!

Thought I would share this with you guys, as it really made me laugh.

Subject: History according to kids

The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests
and in Sunday school quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade ages
in Scotland. They were collected over a period of three years by two teachers. Read carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers, and of
course, spelling! Kids should rule the world, as it would be a laugh a
minute for us adults and therefore no time to war or argue.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies
who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The
climate Of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made
unleavened bread, whic! h is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever
reached Canada but the commandos made it
----------------------------------------------------------
Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He
was an actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds
like he was sort of busy too.
----------------------------------------------------------
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young
female moth.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving
people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock
which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a
dramatic decline.
-----------------------------------------------------------
In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled
biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then than they
show on TV now.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.
The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be
made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus."
-----------------------------------------------------------
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard
Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still
have problems.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen," As a queen she was a
success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted
"hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.
-----------------------------------------------------------
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the
circulation of blood.
----------------------------------------------------------
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented
cigarettes and started smoking.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper
which was very dangerous to all his men.
-----------------------------------------------------------
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare.
He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never
made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote
tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He
wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton
wrote aradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented
Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers
of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by
rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself
cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790
and is still dead.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's
Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with
his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the
Emasculation Proclamation.
-----------------------------------------------------------
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and
got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They
believe the! assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane
actor. This ruined Booth's career
-----------------------------------------------------------
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a
large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which
he ept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was
the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half
German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
----------------------------------------------------------
Bethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf
that hewrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took
long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him.
Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
-----------------------------------------------------------
The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
inventions. Pe! ople stopped reproducing by hand and started
reproducing by machine.
The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to
spring up.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work
of a hundred men.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know
why.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Carles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the
Species.
It was very long people got upset about it and had trials to see if
it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours
but without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do
what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.
----------------------------------------------------------
Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in
the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the
family had to have a job, I guess.
-----------------------------------------------------------


Jill
P.S. took me ages to line it all up and take out the chevrons from the format I was sent it in, so you'd better laugh!!!

Go Banana's !!

All very well checking the spelling on the post, but forgot to check the title - sorry

wongstonn

Amazing stuff. Loved it.

Pollyana

Well, your post is the first I read with my new (hideous) glasses, Jill! They may be hideous but they work cos its the clearest post I've read in weeks and i'm laughing my socks off at it!!!

ProofReader

Glad you finally got 'em Polly. Hope they help ... and I'm sure they won't be hideous!

Good one, Jill (even if I have read it before ) Here's one back for you:


2000-2001 Darwin Awards

The Darwin Awards, for those not familiar, are for those individuals who contribute to the survival of the fittest by eliminating themselves from the gene pool before they have a chance to breed.

1. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing him.

2. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6'2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to an end of a hollow wooden tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his rear end for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.

3. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

4. A police officer in Texas responded to a 911 call. She had no details before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the couch, naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and removed the man (who was declared dead on arrival at the hospital) the police made a closer inspection of the couch and noticed that the man had made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the couch over, they discovered what caused his death. Apparently, the man had a habit of putting his penis between the cushions, down into the hole and between two electrical sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons). According to the story, after his orgasm the discharge shorted out one of the sanders, electrocuting him.

5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost her own.

6. A 22-year-old Reston, VA man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 10-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground", Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma".

7. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend-no doubt, a future Darwin Awards candidate-was hospitalised.

8. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked (you can see what's coming, can't you?). Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.

... and the one that survived to tell the tale ...

9. An American teenager was in hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked about how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.


I must get the newer ones too. They're always worth a laugh!