ProofReader

It's becoming increasingly clear that there are a lot of men (and maybe some women, although I've never experienced it) who are unfamiliar with the etiquette of farting. Most men are repeat offenders when it comes to such transgressions. I've seen (heard? smelled?) men farting in grocery stores, in elevators, on the street, etc. It needs to stop. Here are THE RULES of farting etiquette for those of you who are still unsure:

1. AMONGST STRANGERS or IN PUBLIC PLACES

There is no farting allowed. You will hold your fart in until you locate a public restroom and enter a closed stall. You may not fart in the main lobby of the restroom.

If you should be suddenly seized by a painful urge to fart that forces you to lose control of your will regarding the matter, you must apologise embarrassedly and profusely to all those around you who might have been offended.

If you should be suddenly seized by a painful urge to fart that nearly forces you to do so, but not quite, you may try to get as far away from any people that might be nearby and *try* your best to squeeze out the minimum amount of air that will buy you time until you can make it to a rest room.

2. AMONGST CO-WORKERS or CASUAL ACQUAINTANCES

Again, there is no farting allowed. All the rules of #1 apply, except more strongly because these are people you will usually have to be with again. You don't want them to form an unsavoury opinion of you. If you fart in front of one (or more) of them, all but the most open-minded of them will always see you as the Farter of the Future ... especially the women.

3. AMONGST FRIENDS

You may fart under certain circumstances.

First of all, you must know your friend's stance on farting in general. For some people there is no farting allowed in their presence at any time. If you are close enough to this friend to know that farting is seen more as a humorous thing than a shameful or repulsive act, then cautious farting is acceptable.

In these circumstances you must make sure you are well away from your friend, at least as far away as the length of your sofa, but farther if possible. You must make sure that the mood is right for farting. Farting can be seen as disrespectful if you do it while there is a serious or sombre air in the room. The mood must be light-hearted and pleasant. You want to make sure that conditions are favourable for farting. After you fart, you might want to gauge whether your friend(s) was offended or amused by your gaseous emission and either respond with an apology or a joke/laugh.

If you don't know your friend well enough to understand their full fart belief system, act accordingly with #1 and #2.

4. AMONGST FAMILY

This all depends on your family. In some families farting is frowned upon as a filthy and shameful habit. Some families can't even bring themselves to utter the word "fart". In other families farting is great fun and a source of many family jokes and much laughter. Only you know for sure which category your family falls into. Please don't try to shock your dear mother by intentionally going against family fart policy.

5. AMONGST LOVERS and OTHER INTIMATE FRIENDS

Usually you may fart while in the presence of your very closest and intimate friends and lovers. These people love you and will not stop loving you over some noxious, anal emissions. Usually. There are strict rules for such farting, however, and these rules can make or break a relationship.

Firstly, you must never fart while having a serious discussion of any kind. I don't care if it's a discussion about bills, weekend plans, your sex life, etc. It's disrespectful to interrupt such conversations with a fart.

You must also never fart during a moment of tenderness. Sweet talk, kissing and cooing, foreplay, sexual intercourse, etc., must never be marred by a fart. This is a small rejection of sorts. Even if you don't mean it that way, it can spoil the mood bigtime.

You must never fart during an argument. If you fart during an argument, you will lose the argument. During an argument you are no longer granted "lover" or "intimate friend" status. You must revert back to the rules for #1 and #2 for the duration of the argument. Your full privileges as an "intimate friend" will usually return after the argument has ended.

You must never fart with your back facing your friend (unless you are joking and you know that your friend will find this humorous).

You must never fart as you walk past your friend. You could have farted in the other room or you could hold it until you get to your final destination, so why fart right when you pass your friend? It will seem like you are disregarding your friend's comfort.

Never fart in the car. This is a most repulsive situation that will linger fart oo, sorry, 'far too' long and cause much discomfort to any passenger no matter how close you are.

In order to ensure safe farting practices, discuss your feelings on the matter with your loved one. Establish your own rules for farting humour. If you feel you MUST fart due to some unexpected gas pain and you are in a situation that forbids it, please apologise in advance if possible and then again after the deed has been done. Explain that you are not feeling well. Among close friends this should be explaination enough.


FARTING HUMOUR

Some people find farting to be the most humorous thing in the world. If you are this type of person, please don't assume everyone shares your sensibilities. Ask questions. Experiment with farting stories before attempting your own sonic boom. Watch facial expressions. Make sure your fart is actually humorous. There's nothing funny about a big, wet fart that stinks up a small car for fifteen minutes while your grandmother holds a hanky to her face. Well, there is ... but it could have tragic consequences.

Bix

One of my work colleagues is an experienced ripper

Rocks to one side of his chair and look out mamma.

Wheat grass has it's side effects.

ProofReader

Rip yer cheeks apart 'work colleague'!

Bix

He is a lifeguard based up Standleighs way.

Was the captain of the English team in his younger days.

Perhaps it is a propulsion aid

ProofReader

Yeah, sure.

Hey, Bix, pull my finger ... *offers Bix a 'gun barrel' finger-pointing hand*

gobbyjock

What`s the ettiquette on fanny farts then????

ProofReader

:scared:

gobbyjock

Oh... ok I`ll get my coat then (hangs head and walks away shamefaced)

ProofReader

I don't s'pose you're a nurse, by any chance?

yvsie

no dont...its ok...Im sure lots of girls tried it in their teens.....favourite pass time in French class it was...(for some...never moi )

Bix

Did it improve your pronunciation ?

kiwichild

Well a very informative and culturally significant document Proof Reader. Congrats!!
However I take issue with a couple of points, perhaps these though suggest a downward spiral in morality

Firstly, if you simply must fart in a large public space like a supermarket, make it a silent one and quickly move to the next aisle

DON'T try this in a doctor or dentists waiting room or in a job interview area; there is no such escape in such places!

Secondly, that most sacred of rogue institutions: The dreaded DUTCH OVEN, whereby one partner quickly and violently releases their emission then covers their partners head with blankets/sheets to share in this , a most joyous expression of love and intimacy by the perpetrator, but to the absolute horror and shock of the recipient!
BE WARNED: Such activity has led to divorce courts or at very least, the removal of sexual favours!!!

You guys GET that???

Bix

I always think one learns best from practical tuition.
Could you show us or have you already spread too much ?

ProofReader

Mais, non monsieur, zis simply helps to passsssss ze time away!

ProofReader

Christ! I nearly spray-painted my screen with red wine then!!!!!

You're defo on the list for karma now, Bix!

In the meantime, 'ava on me!