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Family - your experiences

Family - your experiences

Old Sep 19th 2010, 10:26 am
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Default Family - your experiences

Well we have pretty much decided to make the move to Sydney from the UK in Feb/March next year, but I would really like to hear your experiences of leaving family back in the UK.

And before you say it, I know that it's our decision I just thought it might be helpful to get an insight from others who have been in a similar position!

So, we are a family with 2 children of pre-school age. My husband has been offered a good job in Sydney (with a relocation package) and as a doctor I will be able to find work without a problem so financially I feel we will be able to afford the move and a similar lifestyle to here.

I won't bore you with all the details but essentially in every other area moving to Sydney is the right thing for our family and I am confident in all other areas that that is the case.

But the big one is family. My parents live about 250miles away from us but we do see them about once a month and I speak to them on the phone more or less every day. My mother has spoken to me today and has made it clear that they are not supportive and take this move as a specific rejection of them and of our relationship. She is normally a very stable person but I cannot overstate how dramatic she was in that conversation! She would not 'cut us off' or anything, but is basically stating that there is no going back from this decision. My husband's family live in Ireland, so we see them less, and also they are more supportive of the move. We have no family in Sydney as such, although my sister (who is single) is living there at the moment although I'd say she will only be out there for a couple of years. I was hoping to persuade my parents to move over too but I'm not sure if this will ever actually happen.

For those of you who have also left family in the UK or are thinking of it. How have your family been with the news? Have you managed to maintain a good relationship? Do you regret your decision? Any personal reflections would be appreciated!

Thanks
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Old Sep 19th 2010, 10:43 am
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Default Re: Family - your experiences

Sounds like you're definitely moving anyway so you're best of stating your case to your family and tell them you hope they see it as a good opportunity for you.

Also, might be worth asking for specific reasons as to why they think of this move the way they do and talking it through thoroughly. Noone but family deserve that level of detail.

At the end of the day, you're moving so its up to them to accept it. You cant stay just because someone doesnt understand why you're doing it.
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Old Sep 19th 2010, 1:23 pm
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Default Re: Family - your experiences

Depends how much you want it? My relationship with my mother has been spoilt beyond the point of return because she felt the same rejection at me leaving the country and taking her grandkids away from her. All that aside I know and always did that this was a good move for the kids and I and that is still the case. I miss having a relationship with my mum BUT i woudnt give up what we have now for anyone
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Old Sep 19th 2010, 1:32 pm
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Default Re: Family - your experiences

First of all, hi there and welcome to B.E.

It's my pleasant duty to welcome you to the forum and give you a point of contact should you need any help with the site in general. You can contact me here.

A list of all the moderators and helpers with their relevant countries including Australia can be found here.

Any problems, dont hesitate to PM me.

As to your post. Please, please, put you and your immediate, younger family first. It's YOUR future. Those who have lived longer have had more of their lives than you have and should not be allowed to figure in your decisions. Blunt maybe, but true IMHO.

Enjoy B.E. and enjoy your futures here.

Alistair.

Last edited by Sherlock Holmes; Sep 19th 2010 at 3:03 pm.
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Old Sep 19th 2010, 2:37 pm
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Default Re: Family - your experiences

Some good advice here already.

I remember when I mentioned to my grandparents that we were moving to Australia. They basically took the view that that would be it, we would never be seen or heard of again other than the odd letter in the post at Christmas. The thought of electronic communication they couldn't comprehend.

All of my other family have always been supportive and actually encouraged us. I originate from an area with a poor economic climate offering very limited opportunities. I do not think I would have been as successful as I have been unless I made the move and my parents understand that, they always worked very hard for us and our education and want the best for us regardless of where that might take us in the world. They wanted to make sure we had good options in life.

It is hard of course and I miss them but I also know they are proud of me
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Old Sep 19th 2010, 2:47 pm
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Default Re: Family - your experiences

Originally Posted by TessaD View Post
But the big one is family. My parents live about 250miles away from us but we do see them about once a month and I speak to them on the phone more or less every day. My mother has spoken to me today and has made it clear that they are not supportive and take this move as a specific rejection of them and of our relationship.
This one comes up alot. It is your life. They have theirs and made choices too. I don't see how that can be seen as a rejection of relationship - that seems a bit childlike and limited. (I can imagine them being a bit peeved if they don't do much, it has to be said). Your parents are your parents and always will be. Let's face it, you or, either of them could buy the farm next week - really...infact it will happen - so why wait?
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Old Sep 19th 2010, 3:01 pm
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Default Re: Family - your experiences

Originally Posted by BadgeIsBack View Post
This one comes up alot. It is your life. They have theirs and made choices too. I don't see how that can be seen as a rejection of relationship - that seems a bit childlike and limited. (I can imagine them being a bit peeved if they don't do much, it has to be said). Your parents are your parents and always will be. Let's face it, you or, either of them could buy the farm next week - really...infact it will happen - so why wait?
I agree with Badge. I wasn't looking forward to telling my parents about our plans as I am the youngest and they see our kids far more than their other 2 grandkids. But still only once every couple of months.

Of course, my parents were upset, but they also support us as, in their words 'you make the decisions for YOUR family, not us'. They have also stated they will never make the journey (they are in the 70's and have NEVER travelled), but I am hoping to be able to persuade them at some point. In fact, my parents were very nearly £10 poms in the 60's and were planning to go to NZ

DHs mum tho' is devastated. They live in Ireland and our kids are their only grandkids. She sees them twice a year and altho she will happily fly to England and Scotland, she is not so enamoured about flying half way across the world!! But, she has said it is our decision and she understands why.

The decisions you make must be what is best for you and your kids.

Good luck and hope your mum comes round
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Old Sep 19th 2010, 6:23 pm
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Default Re: Family - your experiences

Hi Tessa. Interested to read you - especially as a fellow doctor! Other half is anaesthetist, I am GP, we are thinking about the Gosford area. We have lived in Perth, Brisbane and also Dunedin before, and each time family and friends were the main fly in the ointment - missing them, I mean. We are fortunate that both sets of parents were supportive of our various moves and would be again (we've been home in the UK for 4 years). So often it's not the case. A good friend of mine moved to Taraunga in NZ 4 years ago and her father is STILL embittered and refuses to visit (her mother comes over regularly). I can only echo what others have said - this is very much your family's problem and they need to come to terms with it in their own time. Please don't allow yourselves to be influenced. They will almost certainly come round. They are reverting to childish, knee-jerk reactions because of the depth of their pain at the thought of 'losing' you. Hopefully with time they will realise that they are NOT losing you even if contact is less frequent.
GOOD LUCK. i would try to stay as stable/even-keeled as possible as far as your relatives are concerned. Rise above their reaction as much as you can, for now, while things are so acute and painful for them. Stay strong!!
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Old Sep 19th 2010, 6:29 pm
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Default Re: Family - your experiences

PS Tessa, i meant to say, specifically with regard to 'how was it for you', when we were in Perth then Dunedin (with pre-school kids) the hardest thing for me was actually missing my many close friends. My parents came out annually for 2-3 months each time and that was actually a real challenge. If we move again i am definitely going to arrange separate living accommodation if that's going to be the scene again!! It's great that they are so on for coming to see us Down Under, of course, but frankly, living under the same roof as my mother for weeks on end was bloody tough! That's been one of the big advantages of coming back to the UK- seeing them more frequently but less often! though it wouldn't put me off going Down Under again, having said that - i'd just do it differently. I would hope to have them come and spend a chunk of each year with us, still - they'd love the climate etc - maybe in a granny annexe
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Old Sep 19th 2010, 6:34 pm
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Default Re: Family - your experiences

Thanks for all your thoughts, they have made me feel a bit better after the horrors of earlier today! I know that they will calm down a bit but I'd rather not have experienced such a tirade of emotions. I did try to be calm and rise above it but it is extremely difficult when they are deliberately trying to push my buttons! Actually my dad is about to retire so we may see him a lot and I do expect they'll be out together at least once a year. So, much like you Kate, I will no doubt be sick of them after a couple of weeks of us all being together!

Thanks again.
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Old Sep 19th 2010, 10:10 pm
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Default Re: Family - your experiences

Tessa, I have had the same phone call today with my mother - dad is ill (congestion around the heart) but has lived with this for many years & there is no reason to think that is going to change soon. This doesn't stop my dear mum pointing it out at every available opportunity though - I tend to try & take the view that if it helps her get it out of her system, then at least I can listen to it occasionally
We have 2 teenagers & we have always lived a long distance apart from family & there will be no problem for the kids wrt missing family. We see family a couple of times a year coz of the distances involved, but to listen to mum, you would think she was here babysitting every weekend!
I can only say, stay focussed & determined about your decision, for it is your life to live & no-on else's. Try to give the family space & time to come to terms with things though; some never do, some like to play the guilt card (like mine) but if moving is what you & your immediate family want, then nothing should get in your way.
Best of luck
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Old Sep 19th 2010, 10:12 pm
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Default Re: Family - your experiences

Tessa i moved to Cairns just 3 weeks ago to be with my husband who i met over 5yrs ago but it was the wrong time blah blah blah,
We got back together 2yrs ago and started planning our life together, my family and very close friends totaly supported me although it broke my mums heart she stood up at our wedding in January and made every one cry by saying how she will willing to let me go because she likes my hubby and could see how much we were in love but it would kill her because i am her baby (41 i may add)

It is hard but you know how i get through it!!! just thinking that its not like 50yrs ago when if you moved to Australia you probably didn't see people again, it is a plane ride away, yes a longish one but getting easier all the time, and with skype you can talk and see people for free as much as you want, and my friends and family have already started planning visiting us!!!

your mum is grieving and you have to let her go through that, and let her work it out in her own time, just let her know how much you love her but you have to do this for you guys as others have said,

The hardest thing for me was leaving my 22yr old daughter who i have bought up myself and am very very close to, i felt like i had my heart ripped out and that i was abandoning her but.......... it was her choice as an adult to stay and when they visit i am sure they will want to stay

good luck with the move and just think the sun always makes things seem better xx
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Old Sep 19th 2010, 10:25 pm
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Default Re: Family - your experiences

Originally Posted by daunted View Post

Depends how much you want it? My relationship with my mother has been spoilt beyond the point of return because she felt the same rejection at me leaving the country and taking her grandkids away from her.

Ditto, and worse my mother felt the way to get even was to blank my kids, no birthday cards etc I mean really how pathetic, and to poison other family members view of us by making up stuff that didnt happen, like back in UK telling people we turn up on her doorstep unnanounced, (vist not stay we didnt want to put her out) , despite in her kitchen having the date of our arrival on the calendar, petty but poison stuff.

In the OP's position of Doctor, why on earth would they be likely to stay in OZ forever anyway, could easily tire of it after a few years and could return, go USA whatever, maybe dear old mum might feel easier if she felt it may only be a temporary career experience.
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Old Sep 19th 2010, 10:40 pm
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Default Re: Family - your experiences

Family
I can say that the week before we left was probarly the worse time in my moving here if i knew now what would happen i would of skipped the whole going away party and just said bye! they where horrid about us leaving we where snubbed and made to feel like we had committed murder !

This is just what happened with us not everyones familys are like this! at the end of the day you are doing the move for you not anyone else and now i can sit here and say we did the right thing for us
Good Luck with it all
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Old Sep 19th 2010, 10:48 pm
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Default Re: Family - your experiences

Originally Posted by LINDZI View Post
Family
I can say that the week before we left was probarly the worse time in my moving here if i knew now what would happen i would of skipped the whole going away party and just said bye! they where horrid about us leaving we where snubbed and made to feel like we had committed murder !

This is just what happened with us not everyones familys are like this! at the end of the day you are doing the move for you not anyone else and now i can sit here and say we did the right thing for us
Good Luck with it all
Lindzi that makes me soooo sad life is to short to be bitter and nasty to people in general never mind family.
after reading what some people have gone/going through it has made me feel very fortunate to have such fantastic family and friends, i had numerous leaving do's the last one being just a few people at the airport which in one way was the most painful thing i had do go through but it wasn't just about me and it was what a few of my very close friends and family needed to say good bye,
Hopeful others family and friends will come through in the end as once someone has gone there is no going back
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