Family distancing themselves when you get the visa
#1
Family distancing themselves when you get the visa
We told my parents in person that we got granted our visa on the day it happened. Immediatly my parents behaved differently towards us. WE have never been a close family so part of their reaction does not suprise me.
I asked if they would like to spend some time with the boys in the holidays prior to us going , thinking they would maybe take them to the park etc the things they do with my sisters kids. Anyhow all i got were excuses of how busy they are. Luckily i had not told the boys about this so it wont affect them too much.
Yet my in laws are already looking forward to seeing us as easter and are planning a special time for the boys.
Our freinds have been great, in fact ive just had a fantastic weekend with freinds who travelled up north to see us as they wanted to make sure we had a chance to say good bye before we left.
Has any one else had family that have reacted in a similar way. Im the eldest of 4 kids and my sister and brother both live local to my parents and their kids are always at my parents so i know my parents will have grand kids to keep them busy when we are in oz.
My OH says to just get on with our plans and if they snub us its there look out.
Where as i want to give them a chance to say good bye properly, so i can leave knowing that ive done the right thing. Am i daft for feeling like this?
Sorry for the ramble, having the visa granted is only just sinking in now we are sorting travel removal and the dog arrangements .
Mandy
I asked if they would like to spend some time with the boys in the holidays prior to us going , thinking they would maybe take them to the park etc the things they do with my sisters kids. Anyhow all i got were excuses of how busy they are. Luckily i had not told the boys about this so it wont affect them too much.
Yet my in laws are already looking forward to seeing us as easter and are planning a special time for the boys.
Our freinds have been great, in fact ive just had a fantastic weekend with freinds who travelled up north to see us as they wanted to make sure we had a chance to say good bye before we left.
Has any one else had family that have reacted in a similar way. Im the eldest of 4 kids and my sister and brother both live local to my parents and their kids are always at my parents so i know my parents will have grand kids to keep them busy when we are in oz.
My OH says to just get on with our plans and if they snub us its there look out.
Where as i want to give them a chance to say good bye properly, so i can leave knowing that ive done the right thing. Am i daft for feeling like this?
Sorry for the ramble, having the visa granted is only just sinking in now we are sorting travel removal and the dog arrangements .
Mandy
#2
Re: Family distancing themselves when you get the visa
We told my parents in person that we got granted our visa on the day it happened. Immediatly my parents behaved differently towards us. WE have never been a close family so part of their reaction does not suprise me.
I asked if they would like to spend some time with the boys in the holidays prior to us going , thinking they would maybe take them to the park etc the things they do with my sisters kids. Anyhow all i got were excuses of how busy they are. Luckily i had not told the boys about this so it wont affect them too much.
Yet my in laws are already looking forward to seeing us as easter and are planning a special time for the boys.
Our freinds have been great, in fact ive just had a fantastic weekend with freinds who travelled up north to see us as they wanted to make sure we had a chance to say good bye before we left.
Has any one else had family that have reacted in a similar way. Im the eldest of 4 kids and my sister and brother both live local to my parents and their kids are always at my parents so i know my parents will have grand kids to keep them busy when we are in oz.
My OH says to just get on with our plans and if they snub us its there look out.
Where as i want to give them a chance to say good bye properly, so i can leave knowing that ive done the right thing. Am i daft for feeling like this?
Sorry for the ramble, having the visa granted is only just sinking in now we are sorting travel removal and the dog arrangements .
Mandy
I asked if they would like to spend some time with the boys in the holidays prior to us going , thinking they would maybe take them to the park etc the things they do with my sisters kids. Anyhow all i got were excuses of how busy they are. Luckily i had not told the boys about this so it wont affect them too much.
Yet my in laws are already looking forward to seeing us as easter and are planning a special time for the boys.
Our freinds have been great, in fact ive just had a fantastic weekend with freinds who travelled up north to see us as they wanted to make sure we had a chance to say good bye before we left.
Has any one else had family that have reacted in a similar way. Im the eldest of 4 kids and my sister and brother both live local to my parents and their kids are always at my parents so i know my parents will have grand kids to keep them busy when we are in oz.
My OH says to just get on with our plans and if they snub us its there look out.
Where as i want to give them a chance to say good bye properly, so i can leave knowing that ive done the right thing. Am i daft for feeling like this?
Sorry for the ramble, having the visa granted is only just sinking in now we are sorting travel removal and the dog arrangements .
Mandy
It will take a while for it sink in for them.
Good luck!
#3
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,872
Re: Family distancing themselves when you get the visa
Well I guess they are probably in shock!I would give them some more time to adjust to the news.Making excuses for not having your kids is just their way of dealing with the hurt so don't be too harsh on them.However don't be manipulated in any way.Its your life,and you only live once.Even though you might be brimming with excitement,I would keep that low key myself infront of them.Communication is the key I think.Tell them they are welcome to stay with you in the future and try and sell that part to them.You are going to be on a roller coaster,going through a myriad of emotions.One day you'll feel elated,the next you'll be bawling your eyes out.Above all,try an enjoy the time you have left with your family and friends,it might be a long time until you see eachother again.Take care of yourselves,I'm sure it'll all pan out well in the long run.
#4
Re: Family distancing themselves when you get the visa
Mate, they were probably shocked and grieving. Before you get the visa granted it's still... if... now its here its real and final.. You are gaining a new life in a new country .... they are "loosing" their daughter and grandchildren.. I know they "should" be used to it with the life you guys have had moving around ... but say Australia to most people and they KNOW its the other side of the world ... which is about as far away as you can imagine...
give them some time mate... they'll come good.
and if they don't... then it wont matter coz you'll be HERE getting on with life and living it up.... :-)
give them some time mate... they'll come good.
and if they don't... then it wont matter coz you'll be HERE getting on with life and living it up.... :-)
#5
Re: Family distancing themselves when you get the visa
We told my parents in person that we got granted our visa on the day it happened. Immediatly my parents behaved differently towards us. WE have never been a close family so part of their reaction does not suprise me.
I asked if they would like to spend some time with the boys in the holidays prior to us going , thinking they would maybe take them to the park etc the things they do with my sisters kids. Anyhow all i got were excuses of how busy they are. Luckily i had not told the boys about this so it wont affect them too much.
Yet my in laws are already looking forward to seeing us as easter and are planning a special time for the boys.
Our freinds have been great, in fact ive just had a fantastic weekend with freinds who travelled up north to see us as they wanted to make sure we had a chance to say good bye before we left.
Has any one else had family that have reacted in a similar way. Im the eldest of 4 kids and my sister and brother both live local to my parents and their kids are always at my parents so i know my parents will have grand kids to keep them busy when we are in oz.
My OH says to just get on with our plans and if they snub us its there look out.
Where as i want to give them a chance to say good bye properly, so i can leave knowing that ive done the right thing. Am i daft for feeling like this?
Sorry for the ramble, having the visa granted is only just sinking in now we are sorting travel removal and the dog arrangements .
Mandy
I asked if they would like to spend some time with the boys in the holidays prior to us going , thinking they would maybe take them to the park etc the things they do with my sisters kids. Anyhow all i got were excuses of how busy they are. Luckily i had not told the boys about this so it wont affect them too much.
Yet my in laws are already looking forward to seeing us as easter and are planning a special time for the boys.
Our freinds have been great, in fact ive just had a fantastic weekend with freinds who travelled up north to see us as they wanted to make sure we had a chance to say good bye before we left.
Has any one else had family that have reacted in a similar way. Im the eldest of 4 kids and my sister and brother both live local to my parents and their kids are always at my parents so i know my parents will have grand kids to keep them busy when we are in oz.
My OH says to just get on with our plans and if they snub us its there look out.
Where as i want to give them a chance to say good bye properly, so i can leave knowing that ive done the right thing. Am i daft for feeling like this?
Sorry for the ramble, having the visa granted is only just sinking in now we are sorting travel removal and the dog arrangements .
Mandy
#6
Re: Family distancing themselves when you get the visa
Thanks guys for the in put, i think it is their way of coping with it. You would have thought that after 22 years of me moving all over the place they would be used to us being away. But as Eddie made me realise this is the other side of the world.
I shall keep them in the loop, ive spoke with my mum today to let them know when we fly out as its a few days after my 40th birthday and she was very cool with me.
Im just going to go with the flow now and take every thing as it comes.
Mandy
I shall keep them in the loop, ive spoke with my mum today to let them know when we fly out as its a few days after my 40th birthday and she was very cool with me.
Im just going to go with the flow now and take every thing as it comes.
Mandy
#7
Re: Family distancing themselves when you get the visa
I agree with DunRoaminTheUK, it could be the only way they know how to cope. I know when we left to move to America my dad was inwardly very upset, but didn't want to put any additional pressure on me so he more or less acted like we were just going on a holiday.
#8
Forum Regular
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 195
Re: Family distancing themselves when you get the visa
Well I've been on both sides of the situation. I've recently seen my sister and her husband (and the 3 only grankids in Ireland) leave the country for Oz, and am probably doing the same now myself. It was a killer when my sis said they'd finally gotten their visas and were actually leaving. It never seemed real despite us knowing they had applied and wanted to go. They tried spending more time over with us all, and while I was thrilled to spend as much time as possible with them as I could, it was a bittersweet time. We'd never seen them as much as when they were going to go. Self preservation said to try to seperate a bit more to make it a bit easier when they went, and I can imagine that this is what your folks are doing. My mother was absolutely destroyed by the thoughts of the grankids (and he daughter) leaving.
Yes, you are making the decision for your family as you should, but you can't expect everyone else to be happy about your decision. It's a killer for those left behind. Each time I visit my folks house I expect to see the kids drop in. Forgotten toys lay about the house or garden. Yes it's hard for you going, but no where as hard as it is for those left behind.
Take it easy on them. Each person copes with being left behind in their own way. It's a little selfish to expect them to be "over the moon" or 100% supportive of your decision. I imagine like most families they respect your decision (wish it was a lot different) but are already imagining a life without you and how empty that is going to be. It's not so far fetched to understand why they are taking a step back to make the pain a little less when the heartbreak really hits when you all leave for somewhere so very far away.
Yes, you are making the decision for your family as you should, but you can't expect everyone else to be happy about your decision. It's a killer for those left behind. Each time I visit my folks house I expect to see the kids drop in. Forgotten toys lay about the house or garden. Yes it's hard for you going, but no where as hard as it is for those left behind.
Take it easy on them. Each person copes with being left behind in their own way. It's a little selfish to expect them to be "over the moon" or 100% supportive of your decision. I imagine like most families they respect your decision (wish it was a lot different) but are already imagining a life without you and how empty that is going to be. It's not so far fetched to understand why they are taking a step back to make the pain a little less when the heartbreak really hits when you all leave for somewhere so very far away.
#9
Re: Family distancing themselves when you get the visa
Mandy, you've long had this sort of relationship with them, I know it's hard but you kind of have to let them act as they want to. My mother's initial reaction when told we were migrating was 'how can you take my grandchildren away from me'. My eldest spoke up to say 'it'll make no difference to you, you have nothing to do with anyway and you certainly don't talk to us'. Whilst I don't think she should have been quite so blunt, she wasn't far off the mark. The mother has a wonderful relationship with my sister's two girls but no time for mine or my brothers kids.
We've got over it but it is annoying/frustrating/upsetting. Yours may come round and suddenly want to spend time with the boys before you leave, don't cut off the chance, just don't assume it will happen, be more of a surprise if it does
We've got over it but it is annoying/frustrating/upsetting. Yours may come round and suddenly want to spend time with the boys before you leave, don't cut off the chance, just don't assume it will happen, be more of a surprise if it does
#10
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,872
Re: Family distancing themselves when you get the visa
Well I've been on both sides of the situation. I've recently seen my sister and her husband (and the 3 only grankids in Ireland) leave the country for Oz, and am probably doing the same now myself. It was a killer when my sis said they'd finally gotten their visas and were actually leaving. It never seemed real despite us knowing they had applied and wanted to go. They tried spending more time over with us all, and while I was thrilled to spend as much time as possible with them as I could, it was a bittersweet time. We'd never seen them as much as when they were going to go. Self preservation said to try to seperate a bit more to make it a bit easier when they went, and I can imagine that this is what your folks are doing. My mother was absolutely destroyed by the thoughts of the grankids (and he daughter) leaving.
Yes, you are making the decision for your family as you should, but you can't expect everyone else to be happy about your decision. It's a killer for those left behind. Each time I visit my folks house I expect to see the kids drop in. Forgotten toys lay about the house or garden. Yes it's hard for you going, but no where as hard as it is for those left behind.
Take it easy on them. Each person copes with being left behind in their own way. It's a little selfish to expect them to be "over the moon" or 100% supportive of your decision. I imagine like most families they respect your decision (wish it was a lot different) but are already imagining a life without you and how empty that is going to be. It's not so far fetched to understand why they are taking a step back to make the pain a little less when the heartbreak really hits when you all leave for somewhere so very far away.
Yes, you are making the decision for your family as you should, but you can't expect everyone else to be happy about your decision. It's a killer for those left behind. Each time I visit my folks house I expect to see the kids drop in. Forgotten toys lay about the house or garden. Yes it's hard for you going, but no where as hard as it is for those left behind.
Take it easy on them. Each person copes with being left behind in their own way. It's a little selfish to expect them to be "over the moon" or 100% supportive of your decision. I imagine like most families they respect your decision (wish it was a lot different) but are already imagining a life without you and how empty that is going to be. It's not so far fetched to understand why they are taking a step back to make the pain a little less when the heartbreak really hits when you all leave for somewhere so very far away.
#11
Re: Family distancing themselves when you get the visa
I do feel for you as it is really difficult, we told our familes as soon as we decided we were going for it to try and get them used to it. Our parents are knocking on a bit so it was real hard..... my family are really really close and I had 2 brothers that lived near me, one became like our lodger he spent that much time with us the other I distanced himself (we were real close as I lived with him & his family for 4yrs after moving home). I spoke to my mum about it and she said he wasn't looking forward to us going and was a bit upset, I saw him the night before we left but he wouldn't come the morning we left my parents as he said he didn't want to keep saying goodbye.... he is on skype loads now though and our relationship is back to normal.
My OHs family all distanced themselves (bar one sister) and his mum refused to talk about it at all during the whole process & didn't want to know when we were going but now on the phone she is fine. Only one of his sisters is keeping in touch with us.
I wouldn't read anything into it, I think some people want to protect themselves from hurting, they don't mean to upset you its just a coping mechanism, its just hard to accept it when you want to be close & feel supported.
Sending you hugs as I know its hard
My OHs family all distanced themselves (bar one sister) and his mum refused to talk about it at all during the whole process & didn't want to know when we were going but now on the phone she is fine. Only one of his sisters is keeping in touch with us.
I wouldn't read anything into it, I think some people want to protect themselves from hurting, they don't mean to upset you its just a coping mechanism, its just hard to accept it when you want to be close & feel supported.
Sending you hugs as I know its hard
#12
Forum Regular
Joined: Jan 2010
Location: Woolgoolga, NSW
Posts: 38
Re: Family distancing themselves when you get the visa
We told my parents in person that we got granted our visa on the day it happened. Immediatly my parents behaved differently towards us. WE have never been a close family so part of their reaction does not suprise me.
I asked if they would like to spend some time with the boys in the holidays prior to us going , thinking they would maybe take them to the park etc the things they do with my sisters kids. Anyhow all i got were excuses of how busy they are. Luckily i had not told the boys about this so it wont affect them too much.
Yet my in laws are already looking forward to seeing us as easter and are planning a special time for the boys.
Our freinds have been great, in fact ive just had a fantastic weekend with freinds who travelled up north to see us as they wanted to make sure we had a chance to say good bye before we left.
Has any one else had family that have reacted in a similar way. Im the eldest of 4 kids and my sister and brother both live local to my parents and their kids are always at my parents so i know my parents will have grand kids to keep them busy when we are in oz.
My OH says to just get on with our plans and if they snub us its there look out.
Where as i want to give them a chance to say good bye properly, so i can leave knowing that ive done the right thing. Am i daft for feeling like this?
Sorry for the ramble, having the visa granted is only just sinking in now we are sorting travel removal and the dog arrangements .
Mandy
I asked if they would like to spend some time with the boys in the holidays prior to us going , thinking they would maybe take them to the park etc the things they do with my sisters kids. Anyhow all i got were excuses of how busy they are. Luckily i had not told the boys about this so it wont affect them too much.
Yet my in laws are already looking forward to seeing us as easter and are planning a special time for the boys.
Our freinds have been great, in fact ive just had a fantastic weekend with freinds who travelled up north to see us as they wanted to make sure we had a chance to say good bye before we left.
Has any one else had family that have reacted in a similar way. Im the eldest of 4 kids and my sister and brother both live local to my parents and their kids are always at my parents so i know my parents will have grand kids to keep them busy when we are in oz.
My OH says to just get on with our plans and if they snub us its there look out.
Where as i want to give them a chance to say good bye properly, so i can leave knowing that ive done the right thing. Am i daft for feeling like this?
Sorry for the ramble, having the visa granted is only just sinking in now we are sorting travel removal and the dog arrangements .
Mandy
My mum found it the hardest to accept and I just kept reminding her of the opportunity it hold for myself and her grandchildren, and that she has somewhere to stay if she wants to visit Australia... That seemed to help..
Like yourself though, my friends have been great.. I feel so lucky to have the friends and work colleagues I had before moving here..
#13
Re: Family distancing themselves when you get the visa
It's interesting, because I found the opposite... I moved to Australia 4 days ago and after being granted my visa last month, all of a sudden alot of family that i've not seen for years and years were popping out of the woodwork to see me.. I found it impossible to see them all and even then I felt as if these people hadn't made the effort to see me whilst I was living in the UK, so why should I make the effort now.. Especially considering that I was busy seeing friends and family I wanted to see, as well as arranging shipping, travel etc...
My mum found it the hardest to accept and I just kept reminding her of the opportunity it hold for myself and her grandchildren, and that she has somewhere to stay if she wants to visit Australia... That seemed to help..
Like yourself though, my friends have been great.. I feel so lucky to have the friends and work colleagues I had before moving here..
My mum found it the hardest to accept and I just kept reminding her of the opportunity it hold for myself and her grandchildren, and that she has somewhere to stay if she wants to visit Australia... That seemed to help..
Like yourself though, my friends have been great.. I feel so lucky to have the friends and work colleagues I had before moving here..
My mum is coming out in September my dad isn't this time but I reckon all his fears will be over come once he has to cope with listening to mum go on about her visit
#14
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Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,905
Re: Family distancing themselves when you get the visa
I have found that family can be weird emigrating.
One of my very close relatives has completly blanked me for nearly 3 years.
Even though I was actually living abroad before I came out, so wasnt such a shock to them. They also seamed very happy for me the day I said my goodbyes.
Gems
One of my very close relatives has completly blanked me for nearly 3 years.
Even though I was actually living abroad before I came out, so wasnt such a shock to them. They also seamed very happy for me the day I said my goodbyes.
Gems
#15
Forum Regular
Joined: May 2005
Location: Ex Southampton, now on the Mornington Peninsula
Posts: 257
Re: Family distancing themselves when you get the visa
When we told OH parents we were emigrating (5 years ago now) his dad immediately said "well we'll never come and visit". This was in front of 3 grandsons which I thought was very tactless. But it was just shock and hurt talking. They soon were very supportive and we even stayed with them for 5 weeks before emigrating as our house had been sold and the furnitiure shipped. They are presently staying with us, having been here for the last 3 months, this is their 3rd visit in 4 years, they go home on Sunday, but I'm sure they'll be back again for another visit at the end of the year!!