yvsie

I am not as good at putting things into words as you guys..but..

I didnt realise how resentful 2 of my 3 children would be when we came here. I too have had the 'oh we had no choice, you made us come, Im going back to UK when Im 18' malarky!...and it really hurts doesnt it?
My youngest child (now 12) says yeah I miss my friends but I know we're not going back(have no plans to but who knows?) so I just get on with it.
My middle daughter has gone through a terrible patch for about 4 months or so...so much that I took her to the Dr's.

We've been here for 13 months now and things are becoming easier with us here but getting more difficult for my mother back in the UK.

I think that as someone said in another thread...if at all possible bring your children when they are < 10yrs...seem to do better all round....and I agree

Like everyone else says..its sit tight and hang on in there ....'it'll be right mate!'

P.S...when does this rollercoaster stop????

JAJ

My feeling is that your kids should grow up and act their age. They ought to be independent of their parents by now, and able to accept that parents also have their own lives.

This is no different to a situation where a parent blackmails an adult child not to move away.

Presumably they're Australian citizens by descent (are they?) so they have the choice about whether to follow you or not.

Jeremy

podgypossum

I guess you are right Jeremy... these are the cold hard facts, but we will always be mothers and they will always be our children.

surreyfamily

Hello English Rose

I'm quite new on this forum as well. I don't normally post, but your post and so many of the others got me thinking.
We are going through the emigration process and hope to be in Aus early next year. What started of as a family migration has now withered down to just my husband and me. Three years ago when we started the process we could speak for our kids, but now they don't want to come, it's not girlfriend probs either, they just love their lif'es here. Maybe this could change when they realise their livein cook/cleaning has left them.
We have told them that we are still going and they are quite happy for us to go without them. I'm really hoping that there will be know regrets.

Sandra

I felt emotional reading this thread...not cause of my kids (though bringing them at ages 9 and 11 caused enough family upset/blackmail from the grandparents in the UK!) but because of my sister aged 33 when I moved here. The thread that explains the trauma to them is so true, We had been so close that when I tried for six months to contact her after we moved and no response, I ended up crying to her ansaphone but nothing happened! The anger and hurt you feel is real, once I realised I could nothing I started getting on with it....now after 2.5 yrs here and a couple of visits back I think she knows we are not going to change our minds and no tantrum she throws is going to work. She has finally agreed to come this Christmas but we are trying to lessen the 'normal' time and we are meeting on holiday in Brisbane and then only having 10 days 'at home' in Sydney and her having a holiday in Fiji on her way home. Expensive, but then I am not paying!

To be very honest...at the ages this thread is talking about...should there not be an adult perspective from your children/my sister to support us?

Cheers

heading downunder 2002

Isn't being a parent awful sometimes, I really feel for you, luckily for me my little girl is only five but she already has an atitude. I think that the advice that has been given is spot on, best to just let them get on with it, one day they may come to realise themselves what it is like to be a parent and how much they have hurt you. Funnily I was talking today to a lady in our local sandwich shop and we were talking about children and what she said to me was that she believes that our children feel they can shout, be awful to us etc because at the end of the day they know that they are loved whatever happens, I think that in most cases this is so true.

Susan

English Rose

Don't let my problems put anyone off the idea of moving here. It's a major life change and it's a bumpy ride but I have no regrets.
We didn't have the problem of having to say goodbye to anyone in the UK which was a plus. My 22 year old daughter chose to stay to finish her studies in the UK and my son begrudgingly came.

Being totally honest and brave about things, when I look back, my daughter has tested us and treated us badly since she was 15 so regardless of where we are in the world, I can dream and hope she will change but I reckon I've got to wait till she grows up and realises the value of her family. By shutting us out of life at the moment, it's just yet another saga of how much she tests us. What worries me is all the precious time that gets wasted inbetween. We never get that time back so I often feel sad that she can't see this.

My 19 year old son had 3 or 4 very difficult months adjusting to life here. He was very depressed and we were very worried. But he was drifting in the UK and delaying university and not facing up to any responsibility towards himself.
A girl spotted him, decided she was having him and he's not looked back since moving here. These Aussie girls don't mess about once they make their mind up.
He's since learned to surf, joined a cricket club, made new friends, got a job and for the first time in his life, he has a direction. He and his girlfriend are planning to travel next year.

I myself, run a business, which I transferred from the UK to here and my life has improved too. It's hard not to enjoy the life style here. We live on the Gold Coast so the climate is good and we love the beaches and water.
Most importantly, you can't help but notice the healthy family orientated atmosphere here.
It's a great place to bring up children because life is lived outdoors so it's more fun for them. You see so many fathers enjoying being with their children.
The work ethic is much less stressful than the UK, the health and education systems are far better, it's cleaner because there are far less people.
You don;t have to work at fitting in, the Australians are so generous and warm spirited that you are automatically accepted.

Women's health screening is far superior to the UK and so is mens health. There is so much going on it's hard to choose what to do next. The country is huge, very open and very free and a lot of British move here every week. We've got English neighbours on both sides and they love it but like us are experiencing some family tensions.

If you can handle the rocky road with family, living here is fantastic. I miss a few things about the UK but I love the daily adventure of being here. I love seeing friendly, smiling faces and cheery hello's, how's it going, when I go out.


It must be much harder for familes who leave behind elderly parents and other family members who cannot accept the decision to move abroad.
And yes I agree with the lady who's sister refuses to speak, it would be easier if she could accept the situation and enjoy some contact instead of none at all.
But the truth is that everyone goes through a grieving process because saying goodbye to someone moving such a long distance is a loss. It therefore stirs up the same emotions of shock, denial, anger then finally and hopefully acceptance.
It takes approximately 2 years to come to terms with a loss so perhaps I can expect another year of ups and downs with my kids.
They are different from other family however. I think kids today are much harder to please and are more demanding of their parents than those in my generation.
So perhaps in my case, I just need to stop trying so hard to understand them and start getting firm as in no way has the move been detrimental to their lives.
It's seperated us as a family and they are angry about us closing down their hotel style life and moving it to another part of the world but they have progressed and achieved a great deal independantly of us. However because this meant standing on their own two feet, a decision made by them,it's still very easy to blame us for 'making' them do this.
Today's kids have life so easy that they resent growing up and parents make any easy target for their reluctance to accept that we all have to grow up.

Please don't be discouraged if you are planning to move here. It's been a tough first year but we're settled now and life is very good.
If you are leaving family behind then it won't be easy but I can say that many families visit on holiday then reunite by moving out here. That happens a lot.
Hopefully, my family problems will resolve with the right approach and some time. Meanwhile if I can help anyone considering moving here, feel free to ask.
Thankyou all so much for sharing your experiences. I have learned a lot.

sackofspuds

I joined this board in order to add my tuppence worth. It struck me that everyone posting on this thread were parents unhappy with their childrens' reactions.

I appreciate that you were in an impossible situation so I do sympathise.

However, I feel I'd like to put the other side of the argument. My mother and stepfather went to Adelaide when I was in my early 20s. I went with my girlfriend now wife for 4 years, though to Sydney (didn't fancy Adelaide at that stage of my life).

Returned to the UK after 4 years after gaining citizenship. Returned for a variety of reasons, some of which were that distance meant I wasn't seeing much of my mum, my dad (still in UK - parents divorced) had cancer and my girlfriend's family were all in UK. We wanted to get married and didn't want do do it in Sydney with little family around.

So, returned to UK, got married, my dad died, wife's dad died, had 2 kids. I really resented my mum and stepfather for not being there for us when we had 2 young children (we are 130 miles from my wife's family too and my mother-in-law is nearly 80 so can't help out).

I didn't talk to my mum for about 6 months. I wanted her to know the depth of my feeling and yes, perhaps it was childish, but I felt powerless to do anything else.

In the meantime, my sister (then in UK - expat husband so all over the place) was seriously ill with malignant melanoma. She too has 2 kids. Mum and stepfather came for a couple of weeks but that was it. My sister recovered, but I often wonder how they managed to get back on that plane and return to a place where they had not a single relative.

As our kids have got beyond babyhood (now 5 and 8) then my resentment has declined but I'm still unhappy about it.

Now we are thinking of moving to Adelaide. Have bought the tickets in fact! The family support is one of the major reasons. In fact I can categorically state that I wouldn't be going if I didn't have that family support there.

Anyhow, there's my tuppence worth.

English Rose

I'm really glad you wrote and I value your tuppence worth because it shows another perspective from the child's side. It must have been very difficult for you moving countries at your age and having your loyalties split straight down the middle.
I can imagine your anxiety and concern. It sounds like you're still angry with your mum because to you, it appears as though your feelings weren't being considered and that you were in a situation in which you didn't have much control. I can relate to your story through the eyes of my own son who is 20 now and often tells me that we gave him no choice.

The thing is we can often end up trapped in that kind of negative thinking. If you choose to look back, you might be able to see things differently. For example, your mums decision to move, albeit very difficult for you, has in fact opened up many options for you and your family.
In this case, and I say this to my son when he starts to apportion blame in my direction, has the past few years really been a detriment to your life or have you grown and learned something important?
It sounds like you're on the brink of a new start and a reconcilation with your family in Australia.
That's great news for all concerned because you've got the happy ending many of us are still hoping for. It's sounds like you've coped admirably under very difficult circumstances so you deserve life to pan out for you now.
I take my hat off to you.

Don't bury old resentment. You'll find it tarnishes everything. Talk to your mum about how you feel and try to start afresh on a new understanding. I do understand how you feel though. You sound like my children only more much more mature. You've given me hope, thankyou and good luck with the move.

marysidey

this is a great thread thank you everyone for sharing your experience I have 3 teenagers and am already stressing about how they will be and we are not there yet
I am feeling guilty but strong because I really do beleive what i am telling them about it being a fantastic opportunity but this thread has really helped me sort things out in my head
mary

ladylisa

I really feel for all of you reading your posts, your situations must be a parents worst nightmare.

Its obvious from reading post to post though is that your children are just plain hurt. All the acting out is just their way of saying I'm hurting! You cant think your kids are being vindictive because their behaviour is the only way they can express themselves, its a cry for help. They may throw a zillion accusations at you but its not what they are saying that you have to deal with its what they are not saying...mum I love you and I'm hurt.

Think about it, their lives as they know it have been completely changed. Many of you made the decision to emigrate it your adult years, when you feel best able to make a mature informed decision about where you want to be, they hav'nt even got to that level of maturity yet. Most teenagers feel awkward and clumsy and are worried about spots and boyfriends/girlfriends by emigrating you are putting completely new problems on the table that they dont know how to deal with.

Think how you would have felt when you were their age. My parents nearly moved 100 miles away when I was 13 and I thought it was the end of the world. I'm not saying you shouldnt follow your dreams or that everytime your children are nasty that that is okay but I do think that you should put yourself in their shoes realise their words are just words of anger, they dont hate you they just wish you had'nt rocked the boat and moved away.

English Rose

My children are 20 and 23 though and they have to grow up and accept that life can deal us some life changing blows just when we least expect it. People are made redundant, they become ill, spouses leave their partners, etc, etc.
We do have to deal with it and we can't learn to do this or grow through the problem until we've faced some uncomfortable emotions. Hurt is unfortunately one of those painful experiences. We all have to face it at one time or another.

Yes I agree, our children are hurting but we did not leave or desert them. They did make their own choices and in many ways we facilitated many more options for them, more than we had in fact What they appear to blaming us for is making a choice which ultimately forced them to take more personal responsibility for their own lives. We made life uncomfortable for a while by bursting their comfort bubble.

It took a while but they have now got past the fledging stage and learned to fly by themselves. They don't like us for pushing them off the branch but hopefully in time they will see that we were flying alongside them all the way through and that we did not actually leave them emotiionally or financially.

At 20 and 23 they are still our children but they are also young adults and they must learn to accept that parents cannot always control the direction of their own lives especially when unexpected events crop up.
We didn't decide to move to Australia because we felt like a change of scenery, my husband's work situation forced us into making the decision.
Thanks for sharing your view.

sackofspuds

Thanks for the kind words. Rest assured, my mum knew why I gave her the cold shoulder. I made that pretty clear. In the end I decided life is too short and, let's face it, nobody likes to deliberately hurt their own mother. I did need to give her the cold shoulder for a while though. I felt it would be hypocritical to pretend everything was hunky dory when it wasn't. I have to say too that I will try my best not to ever do to my kids what my mum did to me. We'll see.

One thing my mum said that helped me was to say that she did seriously consider returning to the UK but house prices made that an impossibility. Even if that wasn't true it was much better than saying she was prepared not to see her grandchildren grow up and being a stranger to them.

English Rose

ps Lisa, having read your post again, it provoked a feeling in me that needed to come out.

Having spent the last 23 years giving my children nothing less than total love, security, stability and all the things a child needs on both emotional and physical levels, I am hurt and angry that when their dad's world collapsed and fell apart with his work, they turned their backs and deserted us. I would have hoped for more support but all we got was terrible blame, harsh words and the slamming of the door shutting us out of their lives.

I don't think this can blamed on immaturity or selfish youth and I do not think the parents can be blamed either.
I think it's a sign of our kids having different and far more easily disposable values than we do today. I find this very sad and I guess in my own way I am experiencing this realisation as the worst loss of all.

Wol

I will probably, on this forum, be called an old curmudgeon, but I find it quite extraordinary how parents are unable to accept the fact that their children are - or should be - adult.

For God's sake: they are able to vote a government in or out at 18! At the age of 23 they have independent lives - or should have.

Something has gone very wrong these last few years whereby so many parents seem to feel obliged to support their children financilaly and emotionally WAY past their childhood. It is almost a given that they get given a car etc. A whole generation or two has become dependent.