Family discord after move.
 

Hello everyone.

I'm new to the board but I just wanted to ask if anyone else has experienced family difficulties because of a move?
I'm English, husband is Australian and basically his work forced the decision to move a year ago from the UK to Australia. Things have turned out well and I love Australia but our kids, who are quite grown up at 20 and 23 are a total pain in the rear.

I can honestly say that the price of the move here has caused a family rift and separation and this is causing me considerable heartache. So far, we've been made out to be the bad guys and I guess it hurts us more because they are our kids and have literally divorced us.

Lately I have toughened up on them both and told them I'm through with being tested. I told them to grow up and stop whingeing but it is hard.
I just wondered if anyone else had been through a similar situation?

Re: Family discord after move.
 

Did your (grown up ?) children come with you, or are they still in the UK ?

Re: Family discord after move.
 

Yes!!..but in a slightly different format. My two daughters are both similar ages to your kids, and i also have grandchildren. I married a Kiwi, and we decided to leave UK (initially to live in NZ, now Australia) I desperately wanted the kids to come with us, but they refused. I was very upset about it. I tried every way possible to convince them it was a good idea but none of it worked. 3yrs on, they are still in UK and i am in Adelaide. I learnt a big lesson through all this. Just because they are our kids doesnt mean they will want what we want, and truthfully, i had no right to impose it on them. Gone are the days where "we know best" for them. We might be right or we might be wrong, but at their age we have no real right to impose it on them. I am not saying you are doing this at all, and i totally sympathise with your situation ...(geeez...dont you just wanna give them a good shake ad wake them up??!!!) :rolleyes:

I think you and the may just have to face the fact that them going back, and you staying, may be the only option...would they want to do that?

I really do empathise.... kids huh?? :rolleyes:

Re: Family discord after move.
 

Hello

Thanks for your much appreciated response. I have accepted that they may not want what we want and that's fine with me. The problem is now that they seem to be wanting to punish us by not having contact with us. This hurts the most and probably shows how immature they still are.

I think if I am completely honest with myself, I am hurting because we seem to have given them everything and yet we're a very low priority in their lives today.
This is clearly my problem not theirs, I am of the old school when it comes to family loyalty.
It was an impossible situation for me. My husband arrived home one day and said he wanted to return home to Australia. The kids said they didn't want to come and told me to choose between them and my husband.
Of course, there wasn't a choice but I did support my husband and we both made many options available for the kids to come with us or stay in the UK so they did have plenty of choices.
One came and one stayed so it kind of worked out.
But now they both seem to hate us for causing disruption to their lives and they blame us a lot or at least they make excuses for not doing things then make us the reason.
I guess you could say we're on the end of a lot of emotional blackmail.
I do think kids today have unrealistic expectations of their parents.

I am having to step out of the mother role and try and take the objective view but it is hard. I have read a few messages about the trauma moving abroad causes to families and it does seem that for some family members, it's a bit like going through a bereavement process.
My heart goes out to all those who are going through the transition now.
Thanks for sharing your experience. It has helped to read your perspective.

Re: Family discord after move.
 

Your not alone, there are several members whos teenage kids have not taken to it at all and have gone back, leaving split families. I guess your consolation is your kids are 20,s not young teens which is even more worrying.

All of our boys fluctuate as to who wants to stay and who wants to go they vary in age from 7 to 19, I would say the 7 year old is the worst he loathes it, the 10 loves it currently but that does change :rolleyes: and the 19 year old only settled when he got a very good job, but girlfriends also impact on his current feelings on the situation.

I try to remind myself even if we stayed in the UK one of them might have gone travelling and married overseas or something but yes it can shake families up.

Re: Family discord after move.
 

PS I think it's extra hard to deal objectively with the problem because to some extent, there is an element of guilt involved.
I ask myself what could I have done differently but really the answer is nothing. I could have left my husband and stayed in the UK with my grown up but not quite grown up kids. They would have left home and left me! I would have ruined my marriage and let my husband down.
I think I made the right choice under the circumstances but it definately isn't easy and I do feel guilty when I hear my friends say they could not have done what I've done.
There again, how could they know until they face the situation.

On a positive note, despite the differences, both kids have become very independant and grown up fast and I've grown too. :) My husband is still a child though. :D

Re: Family discord after move.
 

We have been here nearly a year and before we camre no bad comments were given from our 3 children and the 9 grandchildren seemed quite excited for us. Lots of nagging by the parents but we expected that.

Since we have been here we have fallen off the end of the earth - or perhaps as a previous thread said - they have divorced us.

No birthday cards for either of us from anyone of themn. No mothers or fathers day. No (or extremely few) telephone calls and these from only one of the children. A few e mails but only in reply to ours and that from the same 'child'.

I expect they do know how much it hurts us but obviously they do not care. So we shall 'get a life' and enjoy the living in australia even more with nothing to tug us back - we obviously are not wanted really.

Re: Family discord after move.
 

Don't humiliate yourselves by begging them to keep in contact with you or to visit you, they are both are adults if they don't want anything to do with you consider it their loss and it will be when they find out you have cut them both out of your will.

Re: Family discord after move.
 

English rose
well what can I say but endorse what the others have said we have two younger kids 15 and 17 and we ave had all the hurtful statements like you made us come here we had no option, all I want is a ticket back to England and this was in the first two weeks, then we moved on to the really being horrible stage, where they were just real pains in the backside nothing was fun whatever we did or wherever we went, even on holiday. The latest is they have settled in but are threatening that when they get to 18 they will return to the UK to go to Uni etc etc....however as another respondant said as soon as they get girlfriends and boyfriends I am sure this will change.
So what did we do about it, the answer is toughen up and get on with our lives they soon come round when they are stuck in the house. I know its a little different as yours are older, but my suggestion is after a year, talk them into a holiday to the UK and see if the panacia they think they left is either still there or was a reality in the first place. The very best and be assured you are not alone if it wasn't in Aus they would have found something in the UK it is a phase and they will grow out of it...keep close to them and bite your tongue at this time it will pay off when they reaise what little sh**s they were.

Gar and Terri

Re: Family discord after move.
 

I am so pleased to learn that we're not only ones that are having this problem. I've concluded that such a move must inspire a lot of negative feelings. Resentment seems to be the worst one. Our kids still feel very resentful because we changed our lives although really it was circumstances that forced us into a decision.
I think mostly it's a statement by the kids about parents doing something for themselves for a change and that for once, they are not the be all and end all.
Rotten little toads kids are sometimes.

I think you're all right though. You've just got to carry on with life and not let the negatives pull you down.
Thanks for all your valuable input. I really appreciate that I've finally been able to talk about this problem to others who have had the same experience.

Re: Family discord after move.
 

I think the advice about biting your tongue and settling in for a period of resentment is good. Trust me, the first bit of bad news - an illness, perhaps, or some major problem in life - will bring your kids running back to your side, although perhaps not literally. I'm a little bit older than your two, and I thought I was the most independent person in the world until my mum became very ill earlier this year. It changes priorities in an instant and kids finally recognise the importance of their parents. Works the other way too - if one of your children has a major crisis, you can be sure that they will want the support of their mother. The thing is not to burn bridges but to make it as easy as possible for your children to realise their mistake and grow up a little. They are adults, but they're still young and they will still make errors of judgment.

We were all set to go back to Oz and all that has now vanished in a puff of smoke because I want to stay to be close to my mum and help her battle her illness. Mr B and I are making big sacrifices in staying here, but I don't regret a thing about it because I've realised I'm not as independent as I thought.

Re: Family discord after move.
 

Some great advice here.

Following on from my previous post. My daughters are tow very different people. Even 3yrs on, one of them is still makingmy life a misery over it. Back in March we paid for her, her partner and my grandaughter to come over for a holiday of a lifetime. I thought we had a whale of a time and i was really happy that i could do this for them, BUT...the day before they were due to go home, she trnsformed into a screaming banshee, throwing child like tantrums and basically walked out on us and stayed at a hotel for the last night. I never got to say goodbye to my grandaughter (shes only 2) and to this day she has not spoken to me. I have tried phoning repatedly but no answer. i have emailed too and apparently been blocked from her MSN messenger. The whole episode was totally bizarre as we hadnt had ANY problems during the visit prior to this, and i was totally shocked at what happened. My husband is a psychiatric nurse and the only thing he could put it down to was "separation anxiety", where a person is so upset at the prospect of leaving or being separated, they create bad vibes to make going away easier to bare. I think this must have been the case as there was nothing else that could have caused it!!!

My second daughter is a whole different ball game. She went quiet for a while when we first left, and did not keep in contact, but slowly, over the last few months she has got more involved, and last week i had a real breakthrough whereby she admitted for the first time in 3yrs that she really misses me (boy was i on a guilt trip for the rest of the day!!..cried all afternoon)
She is much better at expressing her feelings than her older sister. She says thay she would never want me to go back to UK if i was happy here, as she feels after the traumas i have gone through in past years, i deserve to be happy, but it doesnt stop her missing me. Not only did i cry because of what she said, but because i was sooooo relieved that she was taking on a more mature approach to life. I wont go into details, but she put me through hell on earth in her teenage years, and i am soooo proud of how she has turned out now. She has even said she wants to come and see if she likes Aus and will come live here if she likes it.

Sooo...things will change, but very very slowly. It is so true that kids today are very spoilt in many ways and think of nothing but themsleves, but that IS because of their age. All we can do is hope that once they mature and get a little older and experience more htings, they will slowly see why we have done what we have done, and even....(heaven forbid!!!) forgive us.

Like others have said...fasten your seatbelt and put your head between your legs..its a rough ride. I am praying for a safe crash landing very soon!! :)

Re: Family discord after move.
 

God I feel terrible for you all.. It's interesting to see it from a Mother's perspective, rather than that of a daughter leaving a mother behind in the UK. As a former teenager from hell (Kevin the teenager does not do me justice) who has now turned into an almost normal adult :p , I really feel for you all! Hope you can all get resolution on this. (God how AMerican did THAT sound?! :rolleyes: )

Lucy
xx

Re: Family discord after move.
 

Goodness, your situation almost mirrors mine. Thankyou for sharing your own experience. I think your husband is probably right when he suggests the theory of separation anxiety. I've got qualifications in counselling and am about to embark on further learning so his comments have struck a chord.
My daughter is a student in the UK and refuses to come here on holiday for the very same reason that's she's frightened of saying goodbye to us when it's time to go.
We've offered to pay for her and her boyfriend to visit but just recently all communication has resulted in the screaming abdabs.
I'm just sitting back waiting at the moment. There's no point in saying too much just now as she feels it's pressure.
What worries me though is that she's forged a life very quickly to fill the gap we left. She's got a new boyfriend and they've both raced into building a nest. I can see that's she's trying the replace the life we had together by focusing on creating a home and building a strong relationship with the boyfriends parents.
Do I feel threatened? Yes if I'm honest. I feel like I've lost her and I wonder if I will ever have the close relationship we once had.
I think it's really important to keep the doors open though and to accept that for now things have moved onto a different level.

It certainly is hard though when you're caught up in such a drama along with the emotions that go with it. Maybe we should all start a support group.
Thanks once again for sharing your thoughts. I'm so glad I posted now not least because sharing really does help to lift the burden.
My thoughts are with you all.

Re: Family discord after move.
 

Good idea Rose, we could call it the GRMA..(guilt ridden mothers association) i'm sure that will pretty much cover every one of us!! ;) :)

Re: Family discord after move.
 

I am not as good at putting things into words as you guys..but..

I didnt realise how resentful 2 of my 3 children would be when we came here. I too have had the 'oh we had no choice, you made us come, Im going back to UK when Im 18' malarky!...and it really hurts doesnt it?
My youngest child (now 12) says yeah I miss my friends but I know we're not going back(have no plans to but who knows?) so I just get on with it.
My middle daughter has gone through a terrible patch for about 4 months or so...so much that I took her to the Dr's. :eek:

We've been here for 13 months now and things are becoming easier with us here but getting more difficult for my mother back in the UK.

I think that as someone said in another thread...if at all possible bring your children when they are < 10yrs...seem to do better all round....and I agree

Like everyone else says..its sit tight and hang on in there ....'it'll be right mate!' :D

P.S...when does this rollercoaster stop???? :o :rolleyes:

Re: Family discord after move.
 

My feeling is that your kids should grow up and act their age. They ought to be independent of their parents by now, and able to accept that parents also have their own lives.

This is no different to a situation where a parent blackmails an adult child not to move away.

Presumably they're Australian citizens by descent (are they?) so they have the choice about whether to follow you or not.

Jeremy

Re: Family discord after move.
 

I guess you are right Jeremy... these are the cold hard facts, but we will always be mothers and they will always be our children.

Re: Family discord after move.
 

Hello English Rose

I'm quite new on this forum as well. I don't normally post, but your post and so many of the others got me thinking.
We are going through the emigration process and hope to be in Aus early next year. What started of as a family migration has now withered down to just my husband and me. Three years ago when we started the process we could speak for our kids, but now they don't want to come, it's not girlfriend probs either, they just love their lif'es here. Maybe this could change when they realise their livein cook/cleaning has left them.
We have told them that we are still going and they are quite happy for us to go without them. I'm really hoping that there will be know regrets.

Re: Family discord after move.
 

I felt emotional reading this thread...not cause of my kids (though bringing them at ages 9 and 11 caused enough family upset/blackmail from the grandparents in the UK!) but because of my sister aged 33 when I moved here. The thread that explains the trauma to them is so true, We had been so close that when I tried for six months to contact her after we moved and no response, I ended up crying to her ansaphone but nothing happened! The anger and hurt you feel is real, once I realised I could nothing I started getting on with it....now after 2.5 yrs here and a couple of visits back I think she knows we are not going to change our minds and no tantrum she throws is going to work. She has finally agreed to come this Christmas but we are trying to lessen the 'normal' time and we are meeting on holiday in Brisbane and then only having 10 days 'at home' in Sydney and her having a holiday in Fiji on her way home. Expensive, but then I am not paying!

To be very honest...at the ages this thread is talking about...should there not be an adult perspective from your children/my sister to support us?

Cheers

Re: Family discord after move.
 

Isn't being a parent awful sometimes, I really feel for you, luckily for me my little girl is only five but she already has an atitude. I think that the advice that has been given is spot on, best to just let them get on with it, one day they may come to realise themselves what it is like to be a parent and how much they have hurt you. Funnily I was talking today to a lady in our local sandwich shop and we were talking about children and what she said to me was that she believes that our children feel they can shout, be awful to us etc because at the end of the day they know that they are loved whatever happens, I think that in most cases this is so true.

Susan

Re: Family discord after move.
 

Don't let my problems put anyone off the idea of moving here. It's a major life change and it's a bumpy ride but I have no regrets.
We didn't have the problem of having to say goodbye to anyone in the UK which was a plus. My 22 year old daughter chose to stay to finish her studies in the UK and my son begrudgingly came.

Being totally honest and brave about things, when I look back, my daughter has tested us and treated us badly since she was 15 so regardless of where we are in the world, I can dream and hope she will change but I reckon I've got to wait till she grows up and realises the value of her family. By shutting us out of life at the moment, it's just yet another saga of how much she tests us. What worries me is all the precious time that gets wasted inbetween. We never get that time back so I often feel sad that she can't see this.

My 19 year old son had 3 or 4 very difficult months adjusting to life here. He was very depressed and we were very worried. But he was drifting in the UK and delaying university and not facing up to any responsibility towards himself.
A girl spotted him, decided she was having him and he's not looked back since moving here. These Aussie girls don't mess about once they make their mind up.
He's since learned to surf, joined a cricket club, made new friends, got a job and for the first time in his life, he has a direction. He and his girlfriend are planning to travel next year.

I myself, run a business, which I transferred from the UK to here and my life has improved too. It's hard not to enjoy the life style here. We live on the Gold Coast so the climate is good and we love the beaches and water.
Most importantly, you can't help but notice the healthy family orientated atmosphere here.
It's a great place to bring up children because life is lived outdoors so it's more fun for them. You see so many fathers enjoying being with their children.
The work ethic is much less stressful than the UK, the health and education systems are far better, it's cleaner because there are far less people.
You don;t have to work at fitting in, the Australians are so generous and warm spirited that you are automatically accepted.

Women's health screening is far superior to the UK and so is mens health. There is so much going on it's hard to choose what to do next. The country is huge, very open and very free and a lot of British move here every week. We've got English neighbours on both sides and they love it but like us are experiencing some family tensions.

If you can handle the rocky road with family, living here is fantastic. I miss a few things about the UK but I love the daily adventure of being here. I love seeing friendly, smiling faces and cheery hello's, how's it going, when I go out.


It must be much harder for familes who leave behind elderly parents and other family members who cannot accept the decision to move abroad.
And yes I agree with the lady who's sister refuses to speak, it would be easier if she could accept the situation and enjoy some contact instead of none at all.
But the truth is that everyone goes through a grieving process because saying goodbye to someone moving such a long distance is a loss. It therefore stirs up the same emotions of shock, denial, anger then finally and hopefully acceptance.
It takes approximately 2 years to come to terms with a loss so perhaps I can expect another year of ups and downs with my kids.
They are different from other family however. I think kids today are much harder to please and are more demanding of their parents than those in my generation.
So perhaps in my case, I just need to stop trying so hard to understand them and start getting firm as in no way has the move been detrimental to their lives.
It's seperated us as a family and they are angry about us closing down their hotel style life and moving it to another part of the world but they have progressed and achieved a great deal independantly of us. However because this meant standing on their own two feet, a decision made by them,it's still very easy to blame us for 'making' them do this.
Today's kids have life so easy that they resent growing up and parents make any easy target for their reluctance to accept that we all have to grow up.

Please don't be discouraged if you are planning to move here. It's been a tough first year but we're settled now and life is very good.
If you are leaving family behind then it won't be easy but I can say that many families visit on holiday then reunite by moving out here. That happens a lot.
Hopefully, my family problems will resolve with the right approach and some time. Meanwhile if I can help anyone considering moving here, feel free to ask.
Thankyou all so much for sharing your experiences. I have learned a lot.

Re: Family discord after move.
 

I joined this board in order to add my tuppence worth. It struck me that everyone posting on this thread were parents unhappy with their childrens' reactions.

I appreciate that you were in an impossible situation so I do sympathise.

However, I feel I'd like to put the other side of the argument. My mother and stepfather went to Adelaide when I was in my early 20s. I went with my girlfriend now wife for 4 years, though to Sydney (didn't fancy Adelaide at that stage of my life).

Returned to the UK after 4 years after gaining citizenship. Returned for a variety of reasons, some of which were that distance meant I wasn't seeing much of my mum, my dad (still in UK - parents divorced) had cancer and my girlfriend's family were all in UK. We wanted to get married and didn't want do do it in Sydney with little family around.

So, returned to UK, got married, my dad died, wife's dad died, had 2 kids. I really resented my mum and stepfather for not being there for us when we had 2 young children (we are 130 miles from my wife's family too and my mother-in-law is nearly 80 so can't help out).

I didn't talk to my mum for about 6 months. I wanted her to know the depth of my feeling and yes, perhaps it was childish, but I felt powerless to do anything else.

In the meantime, my sister (then in UK - expat husband so all over the place) was seriously ill with malignant melanoma. She too has 2 kids. Mum and stepfather came for a couple of weeks but that was it. My sister recovered, but I often wonder how they managed to get back on that plane and return to a place where they had not a single relative.

As our kids have got beyond babyhood (now 5 and 8) then my resentment has declined but I'm still unhappy about it.

Now we are thinking of moving to Adelaide. Have bought the tickets in fact! The family support is one of the major reasons. In fact I can categorically state that I wouldn't be going if I didn't have that family support there.

Anyhow, there's my tuppence worth.

Re: Family discord after move.
 

I'm really glad you wrote and I value your tuppence worth because it shows another perspective from the child's side. It must have been very difficult for you moving countries at your age and having your loyalties split straight down the middle.
I can imagine your anxiety and concern. It sounds like you're still angry with your mum because to you, it appears as though your feelings weren't being considered and that you were in a situation in which you didn't have much control. I can relate to your story through the eyes of my own son who is 20 now and often tells me that we gave him no choice.

The thing is we can often end up trapped in that kind of negative thinking. If you choose to look back, you might be able to see things differently. For example, your mums decision to move, albeit very difficult for you, has in fact opened up many options for you and your family.
In this case, and I say this to my son when he starts to apportion blame in my direction, has the past few years really been a detriment to your life or have you grown and learned something important?
It sounds like you're on the brink of a new start and a reconcilation with your family in Australia.
That's great news for all concerned because you've got the happy ending many of us are still hoping for. It's sounds like you've coped admirably under very difficult circumstances so you deserve life to pan out for you now.
I take my hat off to you.

Don't bury old resentment. You'll find it tarnishes everything. Talk to your mum about how you feel and try to start afresh on a new understanding. I do understand how you feel though. You sound like my children only more much more mature. You've given me hope, thankyou and good luck with the move.

Re: Family discord after move.
 

this is a great thread thank you everyone for sharing your experience I have 3 teenagers and am already stressing about how they will be and we are not there yet
I am feeling guilty but strong because I really do beleive what i am telling them about it being a fantastic opportunity but this thread has really helped me sort things out in my head
mary

Re: Family discord after move.
 

I really feel for all of you reading your posts, your situations must be a parents worst nightmare.

Its obvious from reading post to post though is that your children are just plain hurt. All the acting out is just their way of saying I'm hurting! You cant think your kids are being vindictive because their behaviour is the only way they can express themselves, its a cry for help. They may throw a zillion accusations at you but its not what they are saying that you have to deal with its what they are not saying...mum I love you and I'm hurt.

Think about it, their lives as they know it have been completely changed. Many of you made the decision to emigrate it your adult years, when you feel best able to make a mature informed decision about where you want to be, they hav'nt even got to that level of maturity yet. Most teenagers feel awkward and clumsy and are worried about spots and boyfriends/girlfriends by emigrating you are putting completely new problems on the table that they dont know how to deal with.

Think how you would have felt when you were their age. My parents nearly moved 100 miles away when I was 13 and I thought it was the end of the world. I'm not saying you shouldnt follow your dreams or that everytime your children are nasty that that is okay but I do think that you should put yourself in their shoes realise their words are just words of anger, they dont hate you they just wish you had'nt rocked the boat and moved away. :)

Re: Family discord after move.
 

My children are 20 and 23 though and they have to grow up and accept that life can deal us some life changing blows just when we least expect it. People are made redundant, they become ill, spouses leave their partners, etc, etc.
We do have to deal with it and we can't learn to do this or grow through the problem until we've faced some uncomfortable emotions. Hurt is unfortunately one of those painful experiences. We all have to face it at one time or another.

Yes I agree, our children are hurting but we did not leave or desert them. They did make their own choices and in many ways we facilitated many more options for them, more than we had in fact What they appear to blaming us for is making a choice which ultimately forced them to take more personal responsibility for their own lives. We made life uncomfortable for a while by bursting their comfort bubble.

It took a while but they have now got past the fledging stage and learned to fly by themselves. They don't like us for pushing them off the branch but hopefully in time they will see that we were flying alongside them all the way through and that we did not actually leave them emotiionally or financially.

At 20 and 23 they are still our children but they are also young adults and they must learn to accept that parents cannot always control the direction of their own lives especially when unexpected events crop up.
We didn't decide to move to Australia because we felt like a change of scenery, my husband's work situation forced us into making the decision.
Thanks for sharing your view.

Re: Family discord after move.
 

Thanks for the kind words. Rest assured, my mum knew why I gave her the cold shoulder. I made that pretty clear. In the end I decided life is too short and, let's face it, nobody likes to deliberately hurt their own mother. I did need to give her the cold shoulder for a while though. I felt it would be hypocritical to pretend everything was hunky dory when it wasn't. I have to say too that I will try my best not to ever do to my kids what my mum did to me. We'll see.

One thing my mum said that helped me was to say that she did seriously consider returning to the UK but house prices made that an impossibility. Even if that wasn't true it was much better than saying she was prepared not to see her grandchildren grow up and being a stranger to them.

Re: Family discord after move.
 

ps Lisa, having read your post again, it provoked a feeling in me that needed to come out.

Having spent the last 23 years giving my children nothing less than total love, security, stability and all the things a child needs on both emotional and physical levels, I am hurt and angry that when their dad's world collapsed and fell apart with his work, they turned their backs and deserted us. I would have hoped for more support but all we got was terrible blame, harsh words and the slamming of the door shutting us out of their lives.

I don't think this can blamed on immaturity or selfish youth and I do not think the parents can be blamed either.
I think it's a sign of our kids having different and far more easily disposable values than we do today. I find this very sad and I guess in my own way I am experiencing this realisation as the worst loss of all.

Re: Family discord after move.
 

I will probably, on this forum, be called an old curmudgeon, but I find it quite extraordinary how parents are unable to accept the fact that their children are - or should be - adult.

For God's sake: they are able to vote a government in or out at 18! At the age of 23 they have independent lives - or should have.

Something has gone very wrong these last few years whereby so many parents seem to feel obliged to support their children financilaly and emotionally WAY past their childhood. It is almost a given that they get given a car etc. A whole generation or two has become dependent.

Re: Family discord after move.
 

I do agree with you Rog. But our kids bought their own cars and have worked in part time jobs since being at school so mostly they have funded their own lives. They also had to do their own washing and ironing as teenagers and sometimes they had to cook too although we soon discovered it was probably better if I cooked. It wasn't fair to the dog to feed it the food the kids made. ;)

We felt we still had to be there for a while because they were still living at home when we decided to move. As living in the UK is expensive and as they were both students, they could not financially afford anywhere by themselves initially however my daughter has done well and rarely asked us to help.

One point that occurs to me from a counselling point of view is that most people are urged to leave an abusive partnership on the grounds that by staying, we are sending out a message that it's OK to carry on abusing us because we don't respect ourselves enough to put a stop to it by leaving.
No one ever tells a parent that it's OK to leave an abusive partnership with an adult child. We're supposed to stand there and take it presumably because they are our children and we love them. It's different with teenagers because of all the physical and emotional stages they go through so you can make allowances there but adult children who abuse their parents are no different from any other abusive partner.
You have to draw the line even if it means breaking contact for a while. I have done this with my daughter in the past and things did change for the better although at this moment, because of the tension of moving abroad, we've gone backwards a little but with some patience, I'm hoping that things will change.
Nice to hear your views Rog. Thankyou. :)

Re: Family discord after move.
 

English Rose

As they say you have to live your life, they need to live there's. I can remember shouting at my dad at that age and telling him not to marry his 2nd wife. I got over it with time, and your kids will too. All you can do is remember there bdays and christmas and tell them when they have decided to chat that you are always there.

Hope this helps.
:)

Re: Family discord after move.
 

Hi English Rose

You sound like a mother who has truly been put through the mill and then some! :(

It must seem like your children are intend on hurting you, but I still think that the only reason they are doing this is because they are hurt. This is not about blame. My point is that you musnt feel blame, accept they are hurt, accept their world has changed, its very important they know they are acting badly, tell them they are loved and leave the rest up to them. Make them take responsibility from here on in.

You sound like a fantastic thoughtful mother and I'm also sure your kids know they are loved. Maybe thats why they think they can rock the boat?

I really hope this is resolved, it may take a while but I'm sure you will get there :)

Re: Family discord after move.
 

I suppose once we have been through all this trauma and upheaval raising kids (not just emmigrating but all the trials and tribulations that go with parenthood), it does have some upsides to it.
I find i am a far more tolerant and less judgemental person in all aspects of my life these days. Kids will hurt you more than you ever thought possible, embarrass you with their daft actions, mentally slap you in the face, but still you love them.

This is when you enter a new phase of your own life. No longer are the petty prejudices and judgements made by younger people in society important anymore. I know its probably wrong in some ways, but i feel myself getting really angry with people who moan and complain about the pettiest of things, when in reality they have no idea what true heartache and suffering is like. BUT...because i have that bit more tolerance now, i take a deep breath and realise that until they have got to our phase in life they just wont "get it"

i best go to bed..i always waffle on when i'm tired!! ;)

Re: Family discord after move.
 

podgypossom you are totally right YOU do waffle..... :D

Re: Family discord after move.
 

yes..but being the positive bod that i am, i am proud to be really good at it :D :p