English Rose

I do agree with you Rog. But our kids bought their own cars and have worked in part time jobs since being at school so mostly they have funded their own lives. They also had to do their own washing and ironing as teenagers and sometimes they had to cook too although we soon discovered it was probably better if I cooked. It wasn't fair to the dog to feed it the food the kids made.

We felt we still had to be there for a while because they were still living at home when we decided to move. As living in the UK is expensive and as they were both students, they could not financially afford anywhere by themselves initially however my daughter has done well and rarely asked us to help.

One point that occurs to me from a counselling point of view is that most people are urged to leave an abusive partnership on the grounds that by staying, we are sending out a message that it's OK to carry on abusing us because we don't respect ourselves enough to put a stop to it by leaving.
No one ever tells a parent that it's OK to leave an abusive partnership with an adult child. We're supposed to stand there and take it presumably because they are our children and we love them. It's different with teenagers because of all the physical and emotional stages they go through so you can make allowances there but adult children who abuse their parents are no different from any other abusive partner.
You have to draw the line even if it means breaking contact for a while. I have done this with my daughter in the past and things did change for the better although at this moment, because of the tension of moving abroad, we've gone backwards a little but with some patience, I'm hoping that things will change.
Nice to hear your views Rog. Thankyou.

clevs

English Rose

As they say you have to live your life, they need to live there's. I can remember shouting at my dad at that age and telling him not to marry his 2nd wife. I got over it with time, and your kids will too. All you can do is remember there bdays and christmas and tell them when they have decided to chat that you are always there.

Hope this helps.

ladylisa

Hi English Rose

You sound like a mother who has truly been put through the mill and then some!

It must seem like your children are intend on hurting you, but I still think that the only reason they are doing this is because they are hurt. This is not about blame. My point is that you musnt feel blame, accept they are hurt, accept their world has changed, its very important they know they are acting badly, tell them they are loved and leave the rest up to them. Make them take responsibility from here on in.

You sound like a fantastic thoughtful mother and I'm also sure your kids know they are loved. Maybe thats why they think they can rock the boat?

I really hope this is resolved, it may take a while but I'm sure you will get there

podgypossum

I suppose once we have been through all this trauma and upheaval raising kids (not just emmigrating but all the trials and tribulations that go with parenthood), it does have some upsides to it.
I find i am a far more tolerant and less judgemental person in all aspects of my life these days. Kids will hurt you more than you ever thought possible, embarrass you with their daft actions, mentally slap you in the face, but still you love them.

This is when you enter a new phase of your own life. No longer are the petty prejudices and judgements made by younger people in society important anymore. I know its probably wrong in some ways, but i feel myself getting really angry with people who moan and complain about the pettiest of things, when in reality they have no idea what true heartache and suffering is like. BUT...because i have that bit more tolerance now, i take a deep breath and realise that until they have got to our phase in life they just wont "get it"

i best go to bed..i always waffle on when i'm tired!!

clevs

podgypossom you are totally right YOU do waffle.....

podgypossum

yes..but being the positive bod that i am, i am proud to be really good at it