English Rose

Hello everyone.

I'm new to the board but I just wanted to ask if anyone else has experienced family difficulties because of a move?
I'm English, husband is Australian and basically his work forced the decision to move a year ago from the UK to Australia. Things have turned out well and I love Australia but our kids, who are quite grown up at 20 and 23 are a total pain in the rear.

I can honestly say that the price of the move here has caused a family rift and separation and this is causing me considerable heartache. So far, we've been made out to be the bad guys and I guess it hurts us more because they are our kids and have literally divorced us.

Lately I have toughened up on them both and told them I'm through with being tested. I told them to grow up and stop whingeing but it is hard.
I just wondered if anyone else had been through a similar situation?

ABCDiamond

Did your (grown up ?) children come with you, or are they still in the UK ?

podgypossum

Yes!!..but in a slightly different format. My two daughters are both similar ages to your kids, and i also have grandchildren. I married a Kiwi, and we decided to leave UK (initially to live in NZ, now Australia) I desperately wanted the kids to come with us, but they refused. I was very upset about it. I tried every way possible to convince them it was a good idea but none of it worked. 3yrs on, they are still in UK and i am in Adelaide. I learnt a big lesson through all this. Just because they are our kids doesnt mean they will want what we want, and truthfully, i had no right to impose it on them. Gone are the days where "we know best" for them. We might be right or we might be wrong, but at their age we have no real right to impose it on them. I am not saying you are doing this at all, and i totally sympathise with your situation ...(geeez...dont you just wanna give them a good shake ad wake them up??!!!)

I think you and the may just have to face the fact that them going back, and you staying, may be the only option...would they want to do that?

I really do empathise.... kids huh??

English Rose

Hello

Thanks for your much appreciated response. I have accepted that they may not want what we want and that's fine with me. The problem is now that they seem to be wanting to punish us by not having contact with us. This hurts the most and probably shows how immature they still are.

I think if I am completely honest with myself, I am hurting because we seem to have given them everything and yet we're a very low priority in their lives today.
This is clearly my problem not theirs, I am of the old school when it comes to family loyalty.
It was an impossible situation for me. My husband arrived home one day and said he wanted to return home to Australia. The kids said they didn't want to come and told me to choose between them and my husband.
Of course, there wasn't a choice but I did support my husband and we both made many options available for the kids to come with us or stay in the UK so they did have plenty of choices.
One came and one stayed so it kind of worked out.
But now they both seem to hate us for causing disruption to their lives and they blame us a lot or at least they make excuses for not doing things then make us the reason.
I guess you could say we're on the end of a lot of emotional blackmail.
I do think kids today have unrealistic expectations of their parents.

I am having to step out of the mother role and try and take the objective view but it is hard. I have read a few messages about the trauma moving abroad causes to families and it does seem that for some family members, it's a bit like going through a bereavement process.
My heart goes out to all those who are going through the transition now.
Thanks for sharing your experience. It has helped to read your perspective.

jad n rich

Your not alone, there are several members whos teenage kids have not taken to it at all and have gone back, leaving split families. I guess your consolation is your kids are 20,s not young teens which is even more worrying.

All of our boys fluctuate as to who wants to stay and who wants to go they vary in age from 7 to 19, I would say the 7 year old is the worst he loathes it, the 10 loves it currently but that does change and the 19 year old only settled when he got a very good job, but girlfriends also impact on his current feelings on the situation.

I try to remind myself even if we stayed in the UK one of them might have gone travelling and married overseas or something but yes it can shake families up.

English Rose

PS I think it's extra hard to deal objectively with the problem because to some extent, there is an element of guilt involved.
I ask myself what could I have done differently but really the answer is nothing. I could have left my husband and stayed in the UK with my grown up but not quite grown up kids. They would have left home and left me! I would have ruined my marriage and let my husband down.
I think I made the right choice under the circumstances but it definately isn't easy and I do feel guilty when I hear my friends say they could not have done what I've done.
There again, how could they know until they face the situation.

On a positive note, despite the differences, both kids have become very independant and grown up fast and I've grown too. My husband is still a child though.

yafm

We have been here nearly a year and before we camre no bad comments were given from our 3 children and the 9 grandchildren seemed quite excited for us. Lots of nagging by the parents but we expected that.

Since we have been here we have fallen off the end of the earth - or perhaps as a previous thread said - they have divorced us.

No birthday cards for either of us from anyone of themn. No mothers or fathers day. No (or extremely few) telephone calls and these from only one of the children. A few e mails but only in reply to ours and that from the same 'child'.

I expect they do know how much it hurts us but obviously they do not care. So we shall 'get a life' and enjoy the living in australia even more with nothing to tug us back - we obviously are not wanted really.

wombat42

Don't humiliate yourselves by begging them to keep in contact with you or to visit you, they are both are adults if they don't want anything to do with you consider it their loss and it will be when they find out you have cut them both out of your will.

Gary / Terri

English rose
well what can I say but endorse what the others have said we have two younger kids 15 and 17 and we ave had all the hurtful statements like you made us come here we had no option, all I want is a ticket back to England and this was in the first two weeks, then we moved on to the really being horrible stage, where they were just real pains in the backside nothing was fun whatever we did or wherever we went, even on holiday. The latest is they have settled in but are threatening that when they get to 18 they will return to the UK to go to Uni etc etc....however as another respondant said as soon as they get girlfriends and boyfriends I am sure this will change.
So what did we do about it, the answer is toughen up and get on with our lives they soon come round when they are stuck in the house. I know its a little different as yours are older, but my suggestion is after a year, talk them into a holiday to the UK and see if the panacia they think they left is either still there or was a reality in the first place. The very best and be assured you are not alone if it wasn't in Aus they would have found something in the UK it is a phase and they will grow out of it...keep close to them and bite your tongue at this time it will pay off when they reaise what little sh**s they were.

Gar and Terri

English Rose

I am so pleased to learn that we're not only ones that are having this problem. I've concluded that such a move must inspire a lot of negative feelings. Resentment seems to be the worst one. Our kids still feel very resentful because we changed our lives although really it was circumstances that forced us into a decision.
I think mostly it's a statement by the kids about parents doing something for themselves for a change and that for once, they are not the be all and end all.
Rotten little toads kids are sometimes.

I think you're all right though. You've just got to carry on with life and not let the negatives pull you down.
Thanks for all your valuable input. I really appreciate that I've finally been able to talk about this problem to others who have had the same experience.

bundy

I think the advice about biting your tongue and settling in for a period of resentment is good. Trust me, the first bit of bad news - an illness, perhaps, or some major problem in life - will bring your kids running back to your side, although perhaps not literally. I'm a little bit older than your two, and I thought I was the most independent person in the world until my mum became very ill earlier this year. It changes priorities in an instant and kids finally recognise the importance of their parents. Works the other way too - if one of your children has a major crisis, you can be sure that they will want the support of their mother. The thing is not to burn bridges but to make it as easy as possible for your children to realise their mistake and grow up a little. They are adults, but they're still young and they will still make errors of judgment.

We were all set to go back to Oz and all that has now vanished in a puff of smoke because I want to stay to be close to my mum and help her battle her illness. Mr B and I are making big sacrifices in staying here, but I don't regret a thing about it because I've realised I'm not as independent as I thought.

podgypossum

Some great advice here.

Following on from my previous post. My daughters are tow very different people. Even 3yrs on, one of them is still makingmy life a misery over it. Back in March we paid for her, her partner and my grandaughter to come over for a holiday of a lifetime. I thought we had a whale of a time and i was really happy that i could do this for them, BUT...the day before they were due to go home, she trnsformed into a screaming banshee, throwing child like tantrums and basically walked out on us and stayed at a hotel for the last night. I never got to say goodbye to my grandaughter (shes only 2) and to this day she has not spoken to me. I have tried phoning repatedly but no answer. i have emailed too and apparently been blocked from her MSN messenger. The whole episode was totally bizarre as we hadnt had ANY problems during the visit prior to this, and i was totally shocked at what happened. My husband is a psychiatric nurse and the only thing he could put it down to was "separation anxiety", where a person is so upset at the prospect of leaving or being separated, they create bad vibes to make going away easier to bare. I think this must have been the case as there was nothing else that could have caused it!!!

My second daughter is a whole different ball game. She went quiet for a while when we first left, and did not keep in contact, but slowly, over the last few months she has got more involved, and last week i had a real breakthrough whereby she admitted for the first time in 3yrs that she really misses me (boy was i on a guilt trip for the rest of the day!!..cried all afternoon)
She is much better at expressing her feelings than her older sister. She says thay she would never want me to go back to UK if i was happy here, as she feels after the traumas i have gone through in past years, i deserve to be happy, but it doesnt stop her missing me. Not only did i cry because of what she said, but because i was sooooo relieved that she was taking on a more mature approach to life. I wont go into details, but she put me through hell on earth in her teenage years, and i am soooo proud of how she has turned out now. She has even said she wants to come and see if she likes Aus and will come live here if she likes it.

Sooo...things will change, but very very slowly. It is so true that kids today are very spoilt in many ways and think of nothing but themsleves, but that IS because of their age. All we can do is hope that once they mature and get a little older and experience more htings, they will slowly see why we have done what we have done, and even....(heaven forbid!!!) forgive us.

Like others have said...fasten your seatbelt and put your head between your legs..its a rough ride. I am praying for a safe crash landing very soon!!

lucyb

God I feel terrible for you all.. It's interesting to see it from a Mother's perspective, rather than that of a daughter leaving a mother behind in the UK. As a former teenager from hell (Kevin the teenager does not do me justice) who has now turned into an almost normal adult , I really feel for you all! Hope you can all get resolution on this. (God how AMerican did THAT sound?! )

Lucy
xx

English Rose

Goodness, your situation almost mirrors mine. Thankyou for sharing your own experience. I think your husband is probably right when he suggests the theory of separation anxiety. I've got qualifications in counselling and am about to embark on further learning so his comments have struck a chord.
My daughter is a student in the UK and refuses to come here on holiday for the very same reason that's she's frightened of saying goodbye to us when it's time to go.
We've offered to pay for her and her boyfriend to visit but just recently all communication has resulted in the screaming abdabs.
I'm just sitting back waiting at the moment. There's no point in saying too much just now as she feels it's pressure.
What worries me though is that she's forged a life very quickly to fill the gap we left. She's got a new boyfriend and they've both raced into building a nest. I can see that's she's trying the replace the life we had together by focusing on creating a home and building a strong relationship with the boyfriends parents.
Do I feel threatened? Yes if I'm honest. I feel like I've lost her and I wonder if I will ever have the close relationship we once had.
I think it's really important to keep the doors open though and to accept that for now things have moved onto a different level.

It certainly is hard though when you're caught up in such a drama along with the emotions that go with it. Maybe we should all start a support group.
Thanks once again for sharing your thoughts. I'm so glad I posted now not least because sharing really does help to lift the burden.
My thoughts are with you all.

podgypossum

Good idea Rose, we could call it the GRMA..(guilt ridden mothers association) i'm sure that will pretty much cover every one of us!!