Crikey!

Hey all, well the date is clicking ever closer to our departure (7th September!) and i'm just starting to get in a right sticky wicket with my family so i thought I'd post up to you kind and generous types and see what your take on it all is, because gawd knows - I've got enough to be thinking about anyways

So the basic scenario is i have the pares and then an older brother who lives in Bournemouth, the rest of us are based in Cheltenham. Now we've never been the sort of family that spends alot of time together or on the phone, and i think for the most part that suited us all fine. EXCEPT that now i'm off to pastures new the panic mode has set in and they have all got a bit clingy on me, but not in a good way. Let's add to the mix the fact that my hubby & I are currently living with hubs parents, also in Cheltenham, as we sold the house a couple of months ago. They are v.cool dudes and we all get on fine, but mum has a problem with it (although she never says it directly, just lots of digs), because she feels jealous about my relationship with the MIL, for which there are reasons I understand, even if I don't feel are fair . Families eh!

So we went around for Sunday Dinner to my folks and i made sure that i wasn't left alone with either of them, as they keep giving me the deep and meaningful speeches expecting me to open the floodgates and get all emotional on them which ain't gonna happen. I mean i love my folks, but I've always been very independent (there's a reason for that, but i won't get in to parenting issues now!) and i know i will miss them. I am just not majorly upset to leave them behind, as i said, we're just not close. I know I'll be blubbing hugely when we leave but i think part of that is because you know how upset the other person is.

Anyways moving on, during the meal my mum started talking about how they wanted to spend a family day with them and my bro, some awful special bonding day or some such, and my hub's there going "yeh, that'd be nice.." and my mum turns to him - not nastily or anything, and says "no not you, just your wife" sort of thing! I mean we laughed about it afterwards, but it was a bit embarrassing and typical mum and dad, they have funny (IMO) ideas about "family time" and they won't discuss certain things in front of the hub etc etc. So the next day i get a call from my bro in a rage about how he feels it's so unfair that they are excluding our other halves and he's really mad about it (although he wouldn't tell them). After talking him down, the long and the short of it was that i told him i would speak to mum and dad about making it a family do with the whole family there, but now i don't know what I should do.

I feel like i'm being pulled both ways - mum and dad rarely make much of an effort to spend time with me and it's always on their terms, they can't do off the cuff at all without freaking. Then I've got the brother basically stirring things up in the mix as per usual and causing trouble. I don't want to make a big issue of it all and start dragging up the myriad of issues we have with the parents, i don't really think now's a good time Should i let mum and dad have their way for their sake as i'm leaving, or is it time they had a few gentle tough-love lessons about too little too late, and do what my bro suggests?

What do you guys reckon, am i being really mean, or can i simply ignore their phone-calls for the next month and hope they don't come a-knocking until I've flown off

thx for listening!
xx

CadburysFingers

Definitely a case of tooooooooo little too late, I experienced similar things myself, and to be honest it just didnt sit right. The MOST important members of your family are you your other half and any children you may have, do whats best for your family and boll**ks to the parents. I know that sounds harsh, but they really have had their chance and from what you are saying have blown it, I think now is a good time for you to assert your authority and let them see what a happy family you have. Dont be brow beaten.

GinaUK

I would be firm with the older brother - tell him to fight his own battles with the parents, not get you to do it for him.

As for the parents' idea of a "family day" without spouses: If your husband and your sister-in-law are o.k. with being left out, then give the parents what they want. Otherwise - refuse.

If my MIL came up with the idea of a family day that excluded me (as the spouse) I'd be very upset, and I'd be even more upset if my husband went along with it. But your husband and your sister-in-law might feel different, so I would ask them first. Then go with how *they* feel, because i think your husband's feelings are more important than your parents'.

Gina

canifixit

Too true.
Would say that my family now is my wife and children,folowed by my parents.
I have started to get the "your running away" chats. My mother saying that I am going to make her homeless (I bought a house for her to live in,which I have said is hers for as long as she wants).
My only concern is what my wife wants then my children, and sod the rest.

Hutch

Don't even get me started on the in-laws. As everyone else said - if they're going to be pig-headed about it just concentrate on you and yours...

TeresaG

You need to do what is best for you and your husband. I wouldn't give in to what they want. If you want your husband to be there if there is a do then tell your parents.

Good luck.

Dorothy

Had to laugh when I read this. There was a thread on here a while ago about parents and I posted a little bit about my in-laws and how really awful they have been over the years. When I got pregnant, the in-laws asked my husband if he thought it might be his. Both times!
Anyway, what I found funny was that my sister-in-law had us over last weekend for a dinner and farewell party. Great time was had by most. Our neice has recently gotten married (her grandparents didn't bother to go to the wedding) and her husband was at the do. FIL was sitting on the sofa and he asked who the guy was, so I said "This is Scott, he's Jennifer's new husband". FIL turns to him and says, "This is a party for family. Don't know what you're doing here." FIL was asked to leave shortly after.

hyperMutley

I cant imagine having to put up with 'family' like this - you poor thing, alteast it sounds like you have good in-laws.

I'd say you'd best bring anything up yourself, as going by what you said about being upset because you see you're upsetting others, you seem to be a sensitive being. You will probably have a hard time dealign with this if it should blow up and remain unsettled by the time you leave, why put yourself through that. I suppose even your sensible hubby would probably be delighted to miss the 'family do' anyways, go by yourself get it over with. Your bro on the other hand will have to put up with the pares so let him deal with things he doesnt like.

Good luck!

Buzzy--Bee

hmmmm

Congratulations on your house sale!



Buzzy

acbh2

Harsh as it seems to leave the hubby and SIL out, its only one time and its not like your setting a new trend, lets face it you'll be out of here in 5 weeks and they won't be able to make any demands on you in the future .

The last thing you want to take into your new life is grieve, and we all know how pares can make us feel bad when they are in the wrong! maybe they're just feeling sentimental don't get to Oz wishing you hadn't fallen out.

Good Luck
A
xx

Mrs JFW

Ha! sounds like something my MIL would arrange....a family day out without the other halves! If she did that she would get a gob full from me and there is no way my hubby would go....last time or not!

If it was my family that suggested something like that I would insist on my hubby coming too. Families....do your bleedin' head in.

Crikey!

Hey all! Just wanted to say thanks to everyone for posting thoughts and advice in response to the family saga . It's great to know that i am not just imagining this crazy behaviour!

The saga update is that i spent the whole day stewing over what to do, I felt essentially that I didn't want to rock the boat before i go, 'cause i don't see the usefulness of that, but also that it's time i stepped out of the 3-go-round that is my folks and my brother, that's never fun.

So i spoke to mum this evening and started explaining how i'd been chatting with the bro and we had some issues with the whole family VIP thing, but just as i started down this alley-way i realised this wasn't going to go well and i pulled back. I don't normally like to back down if i think i need to talk something out, but i can see this getting nasty and i just don't want that before i go. I guess it's the easy option, but i'd hate to leave on a bad note, and i just don't think mum & dad get it, they just don't understand and i'm not wasting energy trying to change their personalities now, just gotta deal and move on.

I managed to salvage the conversation and it did set mum thinking, she'll probably grind over that in her own sweet time . Anyways i did take a harder line on the whole last minute effort debate and i think she got the message that she has left it a bit too late to jump on that show. Just as i was starting to feel sorry for her she pulled a "you're moving to Australia and spending the rest of your life with the hubs family". To which I replied "i'm not dying, i'm just moving to another country", so i think i won that round! No biggies really, i felt better for calling her out on a few issues though - thx for moral supports all!

Well i'll shut up about my life now 'cos i've just gotta suck it up and handle that sh*t, but it did feel great to get it off my chest and i really appreciate being able to do that here

Drinks are on me
xxxx

acbh2

Well if drinks are on you why stop at one beer:
I know I'm a greedy bitch!
good luck in Oz
A
xx