families
 

I'm sorry but this is going to be a rant :o .

Is it just me or do others have bloody annoying family members?

My oldest sister, who I don't hear from from one year to the next, which actually suits me to be honest has, since finding out I lost my husband, has decided to become all sisterly and ring me frequently.

What's wrong with that I hear you say. Well, she only ever rings me when she's drunk and talks a load of crap about her latest conquests and recent boob job :rolleyes: .

She recently upset my oldest daughter by having a go at her over the phone whilst drunk and it has got that bad that nobody wants to answer the phone once it starts getting late in case it is her.

This behaviour (ringing at all hours etc.) has been going on for years but has got more frequent. None of my family ever ring her because we know that chances are she will be drunk. I rang her recently during lunchtime thinking I would catch her sober but she was in the pub :( . I occassionally send her a text to be friendly.

I have promised her kids that we will go and visit them before we leave but to be honest I really can't face it. Hearing how she talks in front of her children totally puts me off for starters. My kids would be mortified if they heard how she goes on. I considered staying at a hotel a short distance from her so that I could get away on a night once she'd had a drink, because she generally gets aggressive, but I don't even want to do that now.

Have just got a very snotty, abusive answerphone message from her because I didn't answer my phone earlier when she rang :mad:


I feel awful after promising her kids but I have to think of my own and they have enough on their plate at the moment.

Sorry to whinge on but I am so angry at this moment. Feel like ringing her to tell her what I really think of her and her messages but will keep the peace as usual. Am so mad I don't think I will get much sleep tonight.

I'm going to stop moaning now. Just needed to sound off at someone and it's a bit late to be ringing my other sister or brother :o

Does anybody else have siblings like this?

Tracey

Re: families
 

Hi Tracey,
I don't have any siblings and always wanted them, guess you always want, what you don't have! I do know about strained relationships with close members of the family though. Different members and different reasons but the outcome is the same. You feel a mixture of sadness/anger/frustration etc.
It sounds as though you've tried many different options in order to communicate on a better level with your sister before you go. Unfortunately, if she doesn't want to meet you half way, I guess you either have to take pot luck at her being sober and reasonable. It depends on how old your kids are, and how worldly they are as to how they'll handle it, you'd definately know that best :)

Re: families
 

Thanks for that.

I know that my oldest wouldn't visit her anyway and my younger ones are 14 (quite shy) and 9. One of my worries is that she can be very crude which is fine in adult company but not with kids. I don't think they could cope with how she acts. She can be really nice when she's sober but doesn't appear to be very often. I really want my kids last months here to be as happy as possible under the circumstances and am not prepared to chance the visit in case she upsets them. I just wish things were different as I'd love to meet her children, one is 7 who I haven't seen since he was about 2 and the other is 5 whom I have never met but have spoken to on the phone.

I am angry with her but also quite sad as she is the sister nearest in age to me and I fear that once I go I may not see her again because I don't think that I will be visiting the UK for a long time and doubt she would visit over there.

My other sister and brother I get along great with and I am in constant contact with them. They are both a few years younger than me and I'll miss them terribly.

I think I'll just have to play it by ear and see what happens.

Tracey

Re: families
 

It sounds like you need closure (a slightly overused word these days!). Would it make a difference if you give her advance warning, and arrange a visit early morning when her kids are home. If you go on your own, you can handle the situation better, cos you're not worried about your own kids being there. You get to try and enjoy the visit, and see her kids. Would she make the effort if she knew it was the last time she was going to see you for a while? You'll obviously have talked to your other siblings, what's their advice?

Re: families
 

hey Tacey,

dont get me started on the family stuff!

Oh Dear, you poor thing......wait till you move out here, all the modern technology still doesnt stop them calling etc.... and with the time difference my phone rings at all hours of the night.

Last night it was ringing at 20 to 11, i was in bed and wasnt gettin up to answer it. Because of inconsiderate people, we dont have a phone in our bedroom now as it would just wake us up when the drunks decide to call aus early hours in the mornimg.

Jc sister and mine are the selfishest people you will meet, and they think that they can come and stay with us for a year here, NO BLOODY CHANCE!!

and his sister only ever calls when she is drunk, and she once called and tried to fix jc up with her mate who she was drunk with while i was sat with him in my living room, shame on her!

laura
x

PS I could whinge about this subject for ages, so i had better shut up now :o
x

Re: families
 

Good to know it's not just me :) but it can be such a pain.
One thing at least with the time difference she would be ringing at a more reasonable hour :D

Have posted a message for you on the other thread by the way. Did you get it?

Tracey

Re: families
 

Families - love em and leave em thats the best moto ;) :D (only kidding)!

Although I love my family so much, at times it is nice to have this distance between us - I feel awful saying that as we are a very close family, but, got fed up when I was in the UK dealing with all 'their problems' :( That is one of the main reasons that made the decision to come to Australia easier, wanted time out, time for us, live our life for a change. I was turning into a miserable, always worrying, looking at the downside of life freak and needed to get away!!

It's funny, always supported my Mum, Sister, friends, but when I needed support, hardly ever got any!

Families are great, but can cause so many major worries/problems and boy, did my sister have a few!! Love her to bits and always supported her, but she would agree with me - hard to keep it going when so much is going wrong.

Life throws these things at us - some people say it is to make us stronger - help us learn about lifes ups and downs. It is very difficult dealing with someone who 'drinks' a lot. My sisters ex was a alcoholic - dreadful business, so many problems. I saw him not long before leaving in the middle of the day, his breath was stinking of boose even then - know where you are coming from regarding your sister - very difficult situation - very often they cannot see it themselves - so makes it really hard for those left to pick up the pieces.

The only thing I will say to you is, dont come to Australia with any 'regrets'. If it is possible for you and your children to say your farewells, go for it. Life is short - too short so make the most of it if you can - have 'time out' for you and nobody else. Really wish we had the opportunity to come to Australia 20 odd years ago - that would have been even better.

Take care - keep your chin up girl :)

Re: families
 

thanks :)

Re: families
 

awww trace youve had enough of a bad time without dealing with that from your sister cant you just tell her not to ring late when shes been drinking
explain that you love her but you dont like her behaviour towards you.

you can pick your freinds but your stuck with your family :D good luck

Re: families
 

Talk to you about this later Tracey but I have a shipper coming in an hour to give me quote so I had better get dressed and tidy up a bit!!

Take care

Anne x

Re: families
 

My family tend to treat me like the village idiot. My opinions count for nothing, and whenever they ask me animal related stuff as Im a trained vet nurse, if they dont like the answer, its a case of 'you're not a vet you know'.

I have got used to it and have learned over the years that they are responsible for their own behaviour and you are responsible for your own happiness.

I sympathise with you Tracey I really do.

Tell your sister when you will be in to take calls, and say politely that as you're in bed at a certain time, you dont hear the phone.

Call her say once a month or maybe twice and keep the conversation basic.

She is responsible for not only her own life, but her drinking as well.

Try not to get upset at her behaviour. Your have been through more than enough and need to concentrate on you.

As long as you stay polite, keep some kind of contact and not rise to her drunken baiting to get you angry, you will emerge a winner.

Look forward to your new life and building your future.

And as long as you are surrounded by people that love and care about you, nothing but nothing can break that.

Love Sam

Re: families
 

What can I say? You lot never cease to amaze me with your kindness and support, although I have never even met most of you, you always manage to make me feel better when I'm down.

I am honoured to be in the company of such great people and can't wait to meet up with you some time.

I am feeling much better about it today, I was sooooo angry with her yesterday for leaving such a message on my phone, when in all honestly I hadn't heard it ring anyway as I was upstairs on the computer and my mobile was downstairs.

Never mind, I'm sure she'll be in touch soon when she's calmed down a bit :rolleyes:

Tracey :)

Re: families
 

I'd rather not get into my family on here ... if I start, I'll not stop.

The subject of Australia and our impending move is almost taboo.

It's a crazy situation and we just can't wait to be gone. Leave them all to fester in their own bitterness / jealousy.

Re: families
 

Glad to see that you are a bit more relaxed today. You really must try and put yourself and your children first. They are who is important, it is their feelings that must come first. Your sister is the adult, your children are just that - children. You really have had enough to cope with, you don't need to be dealing with someone else's problems as well, and that's what her drinking is, a problem.

Trouble is, it's all very well someone like me saying this, but it doesn't stop the guilt. I have a mother who is the absolute queen at making me feel guilty. I am 43 and my mother still talks to me like I am such a disappointment to her. She has never forgiven me for getting married and having children at such a young age. "What a waste of money that was on your private education!" is what I get thrown at me.

Both my brother and sister went off to university and got good jobs but I was just a waste of space. She never talked about me to people she knows until many years later after I had retrained and am now teaching. She would merrily tell everyone about my brother and his wife, Mr & Mrs important consultants. No I don't have a problem with my brother we get on very well. But once my sister emigrated to Australia having married an electrician (urgh tut) she was relegated to the lower ranks as well. My mum found my old school reports a couple of years ago and when she gave them to me she told me off for them all over again!!!

How does she manage to still make me feel like an inadequate child? She complains that I am too fat (ok I am), yet when I have lost weight before she told me I was too thin. She moans because we are too busy to go and see her yet if I wasn't working she would accuse me of being lazy.

Trouble is, it's because of her attitude that we don't go round there very often and yet she makes me feel so guilty for it. She is always waffling on about how wonderful her friends' children are, how they take their parents out on nice treats and do jobs for them around the house etc. She is the final word on martyrdom, she invented it, and she has managed to convince all her cronies that she is wonderful and that she has wicked children who don't bother with her. She tries to play one of us off against the other. Problem with that is that we (myself, my brother and my sister) all have a good relationship and we tell each other. The final straw was when she started playing her psychological games with my son. Very long story but she has now started playing him off against his cousins (all same age of 12) and has tried to stop them having contact with each other. She has managed to screw up my head but I sure as hell am not going to let her do it to my son :mad:

It is when your children get involved Tracey that you really have to do what is right for them. If your sister is making them feel uncomfortable then that is her choosing not theirs. I hope that you can manage to find some solution before to move away, but if you can't, don't let it eat you up. So long as you have a clear concience over how you are treating your own children, that is the main thing.

Good luck :)

Re: families
 

Are our mothers related?!!!! You've just exactly described how my mother treats me. She constantly looks at me as if I'm a huge disappointment to her. Plays me off against my brother (who she adores) plays my children off against each other and against their cousins. She makes me feel like I'm 4 years old.

The thing is I'm really happy with my life and have a wonderful marriage and I think she's just really jealous. Her problem not mine.