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Expats Story - Summer Holiday

Expats Story - Summer Holiday

Old Aug 19th 2005, 10:46 am
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Professional Princess
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Talking Expats Story - Summer Holiday

Here is the story that I promised you. I think it's high time that we had a funny one to cheer us all up.

It's not intended to upset anyone and it's for the Aussie Forum only which is why it's in here and not the lounge.

Characters, well I shall stick you in as I remember you and the story will be written as I make it up as I go along.

You are entering Samantha's Fertile Imagination, so put the kettle on, put your feet up, you should now feel very privileged.....



British Expats Summer Holiday

Sue and Paul Admin were busy loading up the bus for the annual Aussie Forum Summer Holiday. The other forums weren't invited because they would invariably fight and pull one another's hair.

In fact last time they did come, Sue had to step in and separate Wombat from Leslie (Lounge) and you should have seen the hair that was pulled out. It could have been pubic or head hair. Wombat to this day denied any involvement.

Anyway, Just as Paul was putting the last suitcase on the coach, you could hear screaming.

bloody hell, what's going on?' Paul said wearily.

At that point, Rooksie and Bridie came running round the corner soaking wet, with I might add, soaking wet T shirts.

what's happened?' Asked Sue using her Stern voice.

'Wombat threw water over us' Rooksie and Bridie cried.

don't blame me, I wasn't involved Topcoat added and proceeded to light a fag.

come out from hiding NOW!' Paul shouted.

Sounds of scuffing feet could be heard as Wombat shuffled out of the barn holding a water pistol still half filled with water.

I only wanted to see if their tops went see-through Wombat pleaded to an angry Paul.

Rooksie and Bridie ran back to their rooms to change their see-through tops into more respectable ones.

One by one, they piled onto the coach which was blue, yellow and white and had in black letters 'Expat Tours' on the side.

It was a noisy rabble let me tell you. Brisben was busy throwing frozen peas down the girls tops, helped by Jim, Wombat and kevinbloomfield.

Sitting at the front of the coach were the 'sensible people' which consisted of JAJ, Alan (King) and George. But pleased don't be fooled by the term 'sensible people' because they are in fact, extremely naughty. Don't believe the innocent faces.

Jonahs Mummy, Les Patterson, Worzel, Thinkpussycat, Bordy, Rooksie, Princess, Perthforme, Tiawamutu, fraser, Bixie and everyone else, sat fairly quietly in their seats.

'Right, are we ready?' Yelled Paul, he was driving the bus and Sue was going to support him.

Wmoore was going to keep an eye on the ganger and bondipom was going to help him. Judging by the way Bixie was flashing his bum on the coach window to the Lounge lot and leaving 'bum' marks, he was going to need all the help he could get.

'Lucky bastards, why cant we go?' Manc growled to Bob, they were mods from the lounge and always got jealous of these jaunts, even though they had their own.

Unbuttoning her blouse, Leslie runs up to the window where Alan and George are sitting and flashes her tits.

'Did you see that?' Alan asked George, flushing red

'Sure did, and what a might fine pair of mammary' George grinned back.

TWO HOURS LATER

'Paul, can we go to the toilet?' Princess begs. Normally she had a bladder the size of a watermelon, but its always on a long coach trip you can bet your bottom dollar, someone will need to pee.

Sighing impatiently, Paul replied from the drivers seat 'Does anyone else need to go?'

All the girls put their hands up. Jonahs Mummy was heavily pregnant and always needed a pee, Rooksie had trouble holding her urine. Wombat had taken to tickling her to make her piss herself.

So that was that. All the girls got off the bus and found various bushes to urinate behind.

Bixie decided that he should go and help them.

'Where are you going Bix?' Demanded Sue.

'To help the girls' Bixie replied blushing.

'Well you don't need your long range camera then do you?' Sue snapped at him.

It was very quiet in the 'sensible seats', George, Alan and JAJ were now fast asleep, bless them. Alan (King) clutched his book 'TRA - the New Way' and George had his 'Power Rangers' comic and JAJ had a book on the pop group 'Girls Aloud'.

'Ten more minutes till we get there' Wmoore shouted to the sleepy bunch.

'I feel like this baby wants to come out now' Jonahs Mummy tells an alarmed Princess.

'Well, Ive delivered puppies, horses, lambs and kittens, I think I could help' Princess grins at Jonahs Mummy who on hearing this reply, goes a nice shade of white.

AT THE HOTEL

'Bags I have this bed!' Princess squeals and bounces back on the bed in a starfish shape.

I'm having this one' Rooksie yells and jumps on her bed.

'Unpack first girls' Sue demands and in a flurry of bras and pants, the clothes are stuffed into various draws, wardrobes and anywhere else they fit.

In the boys' dorm, Alan, George and JAJ were busy taking out their clothes.

'Im not into pillow fighting' JAJ said quietly to George.

'I am' George said simply and then added 'What about you Alan(king)?'

'Well, I could be persuaded' Alan grinned.

You see all the boys were in one dorm and the girls in another, so you can imagine the naughtiness that would go on. Because I can.

ABCDiamond, Anne4Terry and Possoms were checking out the swimming pool and bar, they should have unpacked but sort of got diverted on the way.

'You OK Claire?' Sue asks Jonahs Mummy

'Yes, Im fine' She replied. She looked as though her little baby was going to make an appearance any minute.

So the Aussie bunch unpacked their stuff and they were all present if not incorrect for the evening meal.

Wombat looking smart in a suit, well the suit did have poo stains on the bum but everything else was in order.

Worzel wore his VB top, Possoms wore a Tshirt with 'John Howard Rocks' on the front and Hevs wore a T shirt with 'I love Tennis' on the front.

It seemed to be the night for wearing T shirts because Princess wore a tight low cut one with 'Chew my Beaver' on the front. Paul tried to stop her but it wasnt worth the hassle.

Alan, George and JAJ wore smart suits giving the impression of innocence, I don't think so. But then I know the truth because I write about them and in my mind, my characters can be as naughty as they like.

'He scrubs up well' Bridie and Rooksie said in Unison pointing in JAJ's direction.

'Fancy a bit of him' Claire (Jonahs Mummy) grinned in Alan's direction, and then received a stern look from hubby Les Patterson.

Loud laughter suddenly filled the restaurant as Bordy thought it incredibly amusing to fart on the chair and stuff a protesting possoms head onto the chair to appreciate the aroma. Pompeywill gulped and snorted as Possoms retched at the smell.

'You up for some fun?' Princess asks Bridie, Rooksie, Thinkpussycat and Hevs.

Grinning saucily at George, Princess walks over to him.

'What is she going to do?' Asked Rooksie nervous.

'Don't know, but should be fun' Bridie giggled.

'George, can you show me where the toilets are?' Princess asks using her best girly voice.

Standing up and straightening his tie and hair, George leads the way to the ladies toilet.

'Here you go' George said as he pointed to the loos.

'Here you go too big boy' yells Princess and pushes George into the toilets.

Pushing a protesting George into the disabled toilet (its bigger you know), Bridie assists in tying him up using the famous love cuffs.

'Back later' The girls giggle leaving a stunned and restrained George in the toilet.

Just as the girls went out, Barry the camp TRA man walks in wearing a pink sating catsuit with platform boots. With a bottom like two hard boiled eggs in a handkerchief, he had a super body.

'George my love, whats happened?' Barry snorted to a handsome George tied up in the disabled toilet.

'Princess and the gang did it', George whispered.

'Lucky boy, wonder if I pay them enough they will do it to me?' Barry said thoughtfully and then walked straight out of the toilet.

'Bloody hell' George thought, now he was scared.

Sitting back down in their chairs, Princess and her pals looked as innocent as JAJ, Alan, as they ate their prawns and drank wine.

'Where is George?' Paul demanded an hour later.

'Think he has gone back to his room' Bridie giggled.

Alan was now looking worried because his friend hadn't returned.

'I shall go and check' Alan said to Paul who agreed.

'Right girls, lets go' Rooksie demanded as they followed and unsuspecting Alan to the toilets.

'You OK mate?' Alan shouted as he heard George yelling from the disabled toilet.

'Alan, don't trust them' George pleaded, but not quick enough because Princess managed to get her spare pair of love cuffs around Alan and shove him into the same toilet as George.

'Right, just JAJ to catch now' Bridie laughed.

'You so wont get away with this' Alan yelled at the giggling girls.

'I think you will find that we already have' Rooksie said smugly.

'I shall tell John Howard about you and you will never get in to Australia' Alan threatens Princess.

'I already know mate' Came a little voice.

For there at breast height to Princess, was the great man himself. All 5ft 5 of him.

Back in the restaurant, things had gone rapidly downhill with ABCDiamond, Bixie, Wombat, Pompeywill, bondipom and Worzel having a food fight.

Sticky buns were flying everywhere, as Paul stood up to regain control, a large prawn hit him square on the face.

Sue was now hiding under the table rocking back and forth clutching a large bottle of VB.

JAJ having been splattered with tomato sauce, made his way to the toilet to clean himself up. A handsome chap, it didnt do to have ketchup on your shirt. Someone warn him that the toilet was not safe, especially if you had a nice bottom.

Barry the Camp TRA man, was thoroughly over excited and was playing his mouth organ, wafting his feather boa, he danced and wound everyone up, especially Wombat because they really didnt get on.

'You see my lot are the pride of BE' Wmoore could be heard saying to the restaurant manager. Pride my arse, there was food everywhere, 2 agents had been kidnapped and JAJ was entering a danger zone.

Scrubbing his shirt roughly, JAJ glanced in the mirror and saw 2 sets of legs from below the disabled toilet door.

'Takes all sorts' JAJ thought to himself.

'JAJ get out while you still can' Alan pleaded.

Totally ignoring Alan's advice, he pushed the door open. Looking up above, there was Professional Princess carefully balanced, using her strong legs (not broken in my story), she wraps them round JAJs neck and pulls him in, nearly breaking his neck in the process.

John Howard, pleased for once to be included in the high jinx, begged Princess to be tied up also.

'Go on mate, be a sport, its only fair' The short Aussie man pleaded.

Sighing, Princess then uses her legs to grasp Johnny Boy and pull him into the Alan, George and JAJ sandwich.

Ordering Jonahs Mummy to assist with the tying up of the two extra men.

Over excited at it all, John Howard's face was bright red and his hair stuck up all fluffy like.

'Right, we shall get some help and move them up to the attic' Princess yells breathlessly.

Outside in the restaurant, the police had been called because a rogue prawn had become deeply embedded in Paul's ear and a carrot which was so big it was obscene, became stuck in Wombats bottom.

ABCDiamond and Pompeywill denied all involvement as did Worzel, Jim and Brisben.

'You will all go to your rooms' Sue shouted at the sorry bunch.

'No seaside for you tomorrow' Paul added angrily.

'Hate the sea anyway, gets up your bottom' Barry the camp TRA man muttered under his breath.

It was a long night for the Expats, especially Alan, George and JAJ oh yes, and John Howard.

They emerged the next morning totally worn out (Im not saying), their hair was sticking up, and there were lipstick marks all over them. In fact if you check, one of them still has the love cuffs on.

Told you they were naughty didnt I but Oh no, you didnt believe me.


ON THE BEACH THE NEXT DAY

Despite his threats, Paul allowed the gang to the beach on the promise they would be respectable, good and well behaved.

Princess, Rooksie, an about to give birth Jonahs Mummy, Bridie and Hevs lay in their bikinis on the beach.

'Oh my God, what is he wearing?' Wombat shouted laughing.

'Bloody hell, pretend we don't know him' Alan and George shouted together.

'Yoohooo, hello there boys!' Came the campest voice camper than a boy scouts tent site.

Wearing a purple shiny G-string and a purple wide rimmed hat, purple Aviator sunnies, and his hair slicked back into a ponytail, was Barry the camp TRA man.

'Oh my god!' Princess yells absolutely pissing herself.

'You are such a naughty girl' Barry laughs loudly and points at Hevs, who blushes.

John Howard was trying ever so hard to be invisible in his leopard skin Gstring, burying his head in his rucksack, you could just see a shiny head with wisps of hair sticking up.

Rooksie has no such self control and gulps and snorts with laughter, which in turn sets off ABCDiamond, Wombat, Thinkpussycat, Possoms, Bixie to name a few.

Poor Jonahs Mummy clutches her belly as she laughs.

Alan, George and JAJ shuffle away slowly to distance themselves from Barry. Really it was too much.

'You still got the cuffs on?' Barry shouts loudly.

The Agents put their head down embarrassed, mainly by Barry who looked a complete twit.

Rubbing her belly, Jonahs Mummy says quietly 'Im going for a lie down'

Princess full of concern, jumps up to be with her friend, followed by the expat girls including Barry.

Hevs stayed behind to play footie with John Howard who although still had on his G-string, still put up a good game. Mind you, his penis fell out twice and had to be put back in and he was reprimanded by Alan for bringing Australia into disrepute.

Alan in the meantime, looked such a cutie with his little red cheeks, as did George.

George had pulled a nice girl as well called Mercy. And when Wombat could be heard shouting 'Have Mercy on me' while ABCDiamond tickled him, George could be heard rather smugly shouting 'I already have'.

In the girls dorm, Claire (Jonahs Mummy) said to Rooksie and Princess 'I think the baby is coming'

'But it cant' Princess replied rather alarmed.

'Well, you tell it that' Jonahs Mummy gasped as a contraction started.

'Get Les Patterson' Rooksie ordered Bridie

Ten mins later, Les was there holding his wife's hand as she screamed the place down'.

'Ive pulled calves and lambs' Gasped Princess

'This aint no pissing lamb' Jonahs Mummy squealed.

Outside the dorm, a crowd had gathered. Barry, John Howard, George, JAJ and the others, were walking up and down the corridor.

Paul had got hot water, he didnt know what for, but they always did it in films.

Wombat had got the towels and had decided to argue with himself as no one else would.

Hevs had brought a football, Worzel had brought some beer but thinkpussycat had taken it to wet the baby's head.

Possoms and Bixie were taking bets as to the sex.

Just then the unmistakable sound of a baby's cry filled the air as baby Suzie made her appearance into the Expat World.

'Bloody marvellous' Les Patterson said, wiping a tear from his eye as he held an exhausted Claires hand.

'Ive never seen anything like it' Sobbed Professional Princess.

Barry wiped his eyes and composed himself and said 'Can i be Godmother?'

The cheer in the corridor could be heard for miles away as the little family were made comfortable for the night.

What Claire didnt know was that Paul and Sue had organised Jonah to come and meet his little sister. Children didnt normally come to Expat jaunts as it was a fruity affair, but just this once, Jonah was allowed.

THE NEXT DAY

Back on the coach to make their way home, it was a noisy and excited bunch. Baby Suzie was asleep in her crib, Les and Claire had been put in the bigger seats and Jonah had been given toys to play with.

Barry the camp TRA man was bursting with pride, even though he wasnt there at Suzie's birth, he did get emotional at things like this.

John Howard was very smug as he had his head stuffed down Princess's cleavage the night before. Fair enough he had almost suffocated, but what away to go.

Alan was now the new love god and had a girl on each knee, George had handcuffed himself to Princess and JAJ was smooching at the back with Rooksie.


I so told you the Agents were not as innocent as they look....


BACK AT EXPAT CAMP

'Why are they looking so happy?' Growled Manc the mod from the lounge

'Dunno, but who is that in the extra wide seats?' Bob Mod asked.

Right you lot, Claire and family off first' Sue ordered.

As they got off the bus, baby Suzie had her first view of Expat Head Office.

Looking boot faced for a minute, manc glanced down to the little girl wrapped in her pink blanket, really she was beautiful.

'Hello and welcome' was all manc said, placing his finger in her hand, she clenched it hard.

'Did you have a nice time? Anything exciting happen?' Bob asked the crowd.

The Agents looked ruffled and worn out, George hid his love cuffs, JAJ tried to be sensible, the others well, they just looked the same as always - like they had been up to everything and everyone.

Princess, Rooksie and Bridie glance down at Claire, Jonah, Les and baby Suzie and reply simply 'A good weekend was had by all'.

The people from the Lounge came out to greet them and as they all took it in turns to see the baby, Sue and Paul stared at one another.

'Exciting?' Paul asked Sue

'Damn right' Sue laughed.

The gates to Expat Head Office closed and you could just see them all go into the building and soapy gave one last flash of white bottom.

All present and correct, with one person extra......


The end....


This story is dedicated to Claire and her family and of course, baby Suzie.

Last edited by Professional Princess; Aug 19th 2005 at 11:21 am.
 
Old Aug 19th 2005, 10:52 am
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Default Re: Expats Story - Summer Holiday

Excellent. When's the movie going to be shown?
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Old Aug 19th 2005, 10:57 am
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Default Re: Expats Story - Summer Holiday

Originally Posted by marco121068
Excellent. When's the movie going to be shown?

I can just see it in a movie thats the trouble. I try to name as many as poss in it but as I make it up as I go along, its hard.

Sometimes on this forum we all need a laugh and a break from the routine so I thought we needed a story.

Hope it doesnt offend anyone though.
 
Old Aug 19th 2005, 11:03 am
  #4  
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Default Re: Expats Story - Summer Holiday

Originally Posted by Professional Princess
I can just see it in a movie thats the trouble. I try to name as many as poss in it but as I make it up as I go along, its hard.

Sometimes on this forum we all need a laugh and a break from the routine so I thought we needed a story.

Hope it doesnt offend anyone though.
Another long post to read. Must be one of those nights.........

I'll have to copy and paste into Word, and make my own book from this
 
Old Aug 19th 2005, 11:08 am
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Default Re: Expats Story - Summer Holiday

Originally Posted by ABCDiamond
Another long post to read. Must be one of those nights.........

I'll have to copy and paste into Word, and make my own book from this

You cant, they are my characters. Barry the camp TRA man is all mine.
 
Old Aug 19th 2005, 11:08 am
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Default Re: Expats Story - Summer Holiday

Originally Posted by Professional Princess
I can just see it in a movie thats the trouble. I try to name as many as poss in it but as I make it up as I go along, its hard.

Sometimes on this forum we all need a laugh and a break from the routine so I thought we needed a story.

Hope it doesnt offend anyone though.
im offended!!!!!! u made bix look good in your story
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Old Aug 19th 2005, 11:11 am
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Default Re: Expats Story - Summer Holiday

Originally Posted by Professional Princess
You cant, they are my characters. Barry the camp TRA man is all mine.
OH, I THOUGHT THIS WAS ....A DOGS LIFE
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Old Aug 19th 2005, 11:11 am
  #8  
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Default Re: Expats Story - Summer Holiday

Originally Posted by soapy
im offended!!!!!! u made bix look good in your story

Bix could NEVER be good.

(shudders at the thought)
 
Old Aug 19th 2005, 11:13 am
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Default Re: Expats Story - Summer Holiday

Originally Posted by Professional Princess
Bix could NEVER be good.

(shudders at the thought)
oh im not sure about that. i saw a post from him once that made sense....took me two weeks to recover.....then i found out it was da boss
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Old Aug 19th 2005, 11:14 am
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Default Re: Expats Story - Summer Holiday

Originally Posted by soapy
OH, I THOUGHT THIS WAS ....A DOGS LIFE

Just you wait Soapy, Just you wait, I may have forgotton to put you in this story, but you will have lead role in the next one.
 
Old Aug 19th 2005, 11:15 am
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Default Re: Expats Story - Summer Holiday

Originally Posted by soapy
oh im not sure about that. i saw a post from him once that made sense....took me two weeks to recover.....then i found out it was da boss

I would like to meet Bix - but not alone.
 
Old Aug 19th 2005, 11:16 am
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Default Re: Expats Story - Summer Holiday

Originally Posted by Professional Princess
Just you wait Soapy, Just you wait, I may have forgotton to put you in this story, but you will have lead role in the next one.
no way.. ill sue for damages
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Old Aug 19th 2005, 11:19 am
  #13  
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Default Re: Expats Story - Summer Holiday

Sam, you are a very lucid person..........when it flows, it sure does flow.

Thankyou for enlightening our day.

Put simply......I'm here pissing myself
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Old Aug 19th 2005, 11:20 am
  #14  
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Default Re: Expats Story - Summer Holiday

Originally Posted by Professional Princess
I would like to meet Bix - but not alone.
I remember the last time we met alone in the shower
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Old Aug 19th 2005, 11:21 am
  #15  
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Default Re: Expats Story - Summer Holiday

Originally Posted by Bix
Sam, you are a very lucid person..........when it flows, it sure does flow.

Thankyou for enlightening our day.

Put simply......I'm here pissing myself
and i thought the smell was off my beer
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