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-   -   Eldest doesn't want to go (https://britishexpats.com/forum/australia-54/eldest-doesnt-want-go-545077/)

Tiddlypush Jun 25th 2008 8:06 am

Eldest doesn't want to go
 
We are considering moving to Oz late next year. We have to do it no later than that in order to give our youngest who will be 14 then the best opportunity to complete her education. Our eldest is at University and will be 21 if and when we move, and completing her final year. We thought that we would all go, with our eldest joining us after completing her degree. However she has now said that she doesn't want to live in Oz permanently and would only be with us for a short while. This is obviously disappointing but we fully understand. She is currently living away from home and doesn't see her future in Devon.

She has said it would be OK if we still went but that is easier said than done! Children leave home not parents, and obviously the natural urge is to want to keep us all together (and therefore stay in the UK), But if we don't go next year we won't be able to go at all due to age restrictions and our youngest's education.

Has anyone been in the same situation?

EvannTel Jun 25th 2008 8:47 am

Re: Eldest doesn't want to go
 
Yes!

My mum and dad left for Aus when I was 21. I had left home at that time but was close by. Then basically upped and went! With my blessing (not that thye needed it).

18 months later I followed suit.

Just do it, she can follow you out later if thats waht she wants.

moneypenny20 Jun 25th 2008 9:19 am

Re: Eldest doesn't want to go
 
I'd say do a search but it's still not working fully. However not been there myself but there are loads on here who have and who, whilst struggling with the idea, are coping with the situation. Wendy and Sasbear are two that immediately spring to mind. Nu-Shooz has a daughter who came out and then went back after a few months as well. As you say, it's the children that are supposed to leave home not the parents but if your daughter doesn't live at home now then it would be easier than some have had it - obviously wouldn't feel easy.

She may well say she doesn't want to live here but might find, after uni that she does so don't assume she knows what she wants at the moment. BandP has a son in the UK who just finished uni and has now got a place at Sydney to continue what he's doing.

Try the search, it may be fixed, otherwise the people I've mentioned will not mind you PMing or emailing them for their thoughts.

Good luck to you.

alipally Jun 25th 2008 11:52 am

Re: Eldest doesn't want to go
 
We are in the same position, but further on than you are. Our son has just completed his 1st year at University.
We put him on the Visa application and he will validate in September, then he has until 2013 to make a decision about his future, which, at the moment he doesn't think lies in Australia for a variety of reasons... (music:ohmy:, the girlfriend, friends... in THAT order!!)

We decided that it was his decision, but feel that we've done the right thing by giving him the choice and a good long period to make up his mind... 5 and a half years in all!

I'm not willing to give up my life's dream because he doesn't share it. Yes it is tough, but I feel privileged to have raised a child who makes his own decisions and marches to the beat of his own drum.

I wouldn't dream of using emotional blackmail to influence his decision and the thought doesn't even enter into his consciousness. He said (my 20 year old Son!) that we are each responsible for our own happiness. I am inclined to agree.

I'm expecting to miss him and I'm sure he will miss us, but we are only 24 hours away....

TakenThePlunge Jun 25th 2008 1:13 pm

Re: Eldest doesn't want to go
 
Almost in exactly the same position, my eldest daughter was keen to come, but has now changed her mind. I am going to still put her on the visa, she can come with us for a holiday when we go to validate her visa.

The big challenge for me is that I'm leaving her with no one here at all, as all my family is in South Africa, and it's a long way to come for a cry on her mother's shoulder...

alipally Jun 25th 2008 3:11 pm

Re: Eldest doesn't want to go
 
Children eh!

Little did we think when they were first born that they would be able to make choices that caused us such anguish and pain.... and yet, such happiness and untold pride :)

There are days when I wish that he was still 7, excited about every new discovery, always asking questions, but ultimately going in the direction we determined.... A time when the words 'we're moving to Australia' would have provoked a flurry of questions and open excitement at discovering something new....

anyone got a time machine?:eek:

wardy2 Jun 25th 2008 5:14 pm

Re: Eldest doesn't want to go
 

Originally Posted by Tiddlypush (Post 6501238)
We are considering moving to Oz late next year. We have to do it no later than that in order to give our youngest who will be 14 then the best opportunity to complete her education. Our eldest is at University and will be 21 if and when we move, and completing her final year. We thought that we would all go, with our eldest joining us after completing her degree. However she has now said that she doesn't want to live in Oz permanently and would only be with us for a short while. This is obviously disappointing but we fully understand. She is currently living away from home and doesn't see her future in Devon.

She has said it would be OK if we still went but that is easier said than done! Children leave home not parents, and obviously the natural urge is to want to keep us all together (and therefore stay in the UK), But if we don't go next year we won't be able to go at all due to age restrictions and our youngest's education.

Has anyone been in the same situation?

We are in the same situation and my son did get his visa but decided in the end he wouldn't even validate what a waste.

Just wanted to warn you about something though if you are considering gtting your daughter a visa the way DIAC will determine dependancy will be at the end of the process and not when you submit tthe application.

There are a few of us that haven fallen foul of this rule so make sure your daughter is still in uni when your application is at decision stage or else she may not get it.

This rule applies to the skilled independant visa not sure about other visas.

good luck

daddyofthree Jun 25th 2008 10:45 pm

Re: Eldest doesn't want to go
 
I have a similar experience but in reverse. My parents and sister left me when I was 20. I didn't want to go and stayed with my girlfriend (later wife number 1). beig a lad it didn't bother me too much but my parents, esp mum, found it a great deal more difficult. After 22 years my new wife and 3 chidren will be moving over next year.
They say history repeats its self well I'm leaving my son (13) who lives with my first wife. My son and I are very close and it's going to hurt us both. I just hope he will spend time in Aus at some point in the future. However, I will be leaving £4000 for hime so that he can join me for the 6 weeks summer hols each of the next 4 years. I'll pay each year until he is 18 and then we will look at our finances etc.
Your daughter is at a good age and I think that if you are satisfied that she is safe and has a stable future ahead of her, then you should go. Make sure she knows that she can join you at any time. It's bloody hard but do what your mind says and not your heart!!!!

quoll Jun 25th 2008 11:53 pm

Re: Eldest doesn't want to go
 
Yup, letting your kids go is very hard but you should be proud that she is independent and able to make up her own mind about where in the world she sees her future. I have one who has gone back to live (apparently) because of the better opportunities for him in UK despite having grown up here. It isnt easy and there are times when you want the world to be a whole lot smaller (I was close to tears this week when he actually offered to fly one of us over to attend a function with him - we didnt go because we are going in 3 weeks time anyway but it really did pull at the heart strings!). At least you wont be one of those parents who have KIPPers at home (latest phenomenon, Kids in Parents' Pockets!)

Tiddlypush Jun 26th 2008 10:41 am

Re: Eldest doesn't want to go
 
Just to say thank you for the positive and encouraging replies so far, in particular Evantell and Moneypenny20. When you're the son/daughter, moving away is all part of life's adventure but when you're the parent it ain't so easy (my mum was worried sick about my ability to survive when I moved out at the tender young age of 27!!!! for heaven's sake, and only 20 miles away!!!). At the moment we're pushing on, getting as much information as possible and will put progess reports on here.

Best wishes

Alan (and Karen and offspring)


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