comet555

I don't quite get the risk either. You've got the visa, sold the house and are ready to go. The only major expense now would be shipping your stuff over, but that's nothing compared to all the expense you've had just to get there.

My husband and I have a similar agreement only we're giving it a full year before either of us can call it quits. It just doesn't seem fair to get that far and not be able to go.

I honestly don't know how I'd handle the situation. I think it will be hard for both of you to come to terms with everything that's happened.

I wish you good luck with whatever you guys decide to do.

Haley

Nicky & Dave

Louise,

I'm writing because Dave and I went through a similar thing after our visa was granted late last year - only it was me who was saying I no longer wanted to go!

Getting our visa was a reality check for me - suddenly everything became very real and scary, and I began to seriously think for the first time about what emigrating actually meant to me, and what we'd be leaving behind in the UK. If you had asked me in February/March this year if we were still emigrating, I'd have categorically said 100% No! Ask me the same question now.....and guess what??? I'd now say 100% YES!

My point is simply that people do change their minds - so don't give up on Oz just yet. Give your partner time and space to think and make sense of what he's feeling and try not to put any pressure on about coming to a decision. It took us nearly five months to resolve things! It is so hard when you're going through this, but try to remain supportive and understanding. Equally be clear about the fact that you still want to emigrate, but that you love him and you want this to be a joint decision, so he must think this through very seriously. After all, it doesn't have to be forever - you can always keep your options open in terms of returning to the UK.

During my little 'hiccup', Dave was understanding, but he kept re-affirming why we had originally wanted to move to Oz. When I raised objections, he discussed them with me - and we slowly worked our way through things. Gradually I began to come to terms with leaving the UK and started to focus on what we would gain from moving to Oz, rather than what we were losing from leaving the UK.

You have both invested so much in this, I sincerely hope that your partner does come round.

Wishing you all the best,

Nicky

jad n rich

Take some consolation your relationships good enough for the "I dont want to go" to come out now. So much better than in a few years time, a few hundred thousand $$$$ later and possibly a few kids who may all feel equally divided on the matter A slightly more difficult announcement to make then.

Plus its not always for ever anyway, many people re-locate for a few years then one or both decide its time to move on elsewhere or go back to where they came from.

mand8002

You don't say if you have validated your visas or not. If not why not go for a holiday and validate them, then at least you have a few years on your side in which he can change his mind. The other risk is that you don't go and then in a few years your husband decides he would like to give it a go, and you may not qualify for a visa.

M J

Hi Louise....Wow this must be really tough for you.Youve been working towards this for so long and now it may not happen.I can only imagine how you must feel.
I do agree with some of the others though,whilst you have an agreement that if one of you changes their mind then thats it...you wont go,and thats a good agreement for sure.But realistically perhaps he should have said something sooner if he was having concerns.You obviously have had your mind set for sometime to whole heartedly do everything you can to get to Oz and now your focus has disappeared.I dont think its fair that he should have left it so late.(I know its what love and relationships are all about!)
I think deep down hes just scared and perhaps gently you should remind him what prompted you to make the decision to go to Oz in the first place.
Like someone else said...Will you be happy where you are 10 years from now?
I'd pin him down to whats actually worrying him and go from there.
You only get one chance at life(apparently) so make the most of it.

Good luck and best wishes
M J

Masadal

I don't get it...where's the risk? You go, you like it, you stay, or, you go, you don't like it, you go back.
Is he worried about his career? His family/friends?
Maybe I'm not very sympathetic but I just don't get it.


Hi Louise.

Feel so sorry that you have obviously set your targets and worked so hard to achieve them.

Steve got his visa some 18 years ago (just before we met) but never validated as he 'fell in love'. No idea why but things just seem to have clicked into place for us to have the opportunity to go now.

We are hoping to emigrate within the next two months and see the whole episode as an adventure! Some family members see our leaving as their last opportunity to see/talk/laugh/socialise with us. I've explained many times that we will be at the other end of Skype/MSN/internet anytime and will visit the UK.

If things don't work out we can come back. If they do then we will gain a wonderful live for ourselves and our children.

If your husband has made his decision then no more can be said. BUT.... Has he made his decision knowing what the future in the UK holds, what YOUR dreams are, and the committments you have both made so far (time, finance etc)? Maybe you have the time to put everything on the back-burner for a while an review the whole situation later?

Wishing you all the best on your future and never say never.

Bye.



Diane

darkuser

Hi,

I was in a similar position to you almost to the letter, but I am the other half. My wife and I got married out there during a year in Oz in 2000, we loved it so much that we decided to try to go back. I spent years getting the experience and the qualifications to get over there. During that time lofe progressed, we finally achieved our visa in 2004 and went to validate our visa in january 2005. I was starting to feel a little scared by it all as my parents are getting on and I had a lovely job and career and a nice house and had a quite nice life, however wifey still really wanted to go. We went to Sydney and got really scared by how big and far away it was. We came back and immediately got an offer on the house. I had to tell her that I needed time and to turn down the offer. We have now spent a year thinking it over and have just exchanged on our house and go on a world trip before Oz. We have both been really clear that if it doesn't work out we can come back. But I had to realise that if I hadn't done it that would have affected our relationship as there would always be a slight resentment that I had stopped us going and I would at least know this way that I tried.

I think that if you get your visa validated in a holiday at least you give yourself a chance to think it through, it can be really scary when you realise that it is actually going to happen. take things a small step at a time and realise that people do change and that things sometimes look wonderful after looking back over all those years and realism is more important than enthusiasm in some circumstances. But above all don't close all your doors in one go. We are going but I am going to try to get citizenship so that if we don't like it after 3 years or so we can at least have the option at some time in the future of returning if I still want to try it ( and there is always NZ if oz is too big).

remember that line from Dune "fear is the mind killer" but sometimes you can regret not doing anything. :scared:

sasbear

I so agree with you - I was like this poster. I did all the hard work retraining - years of it. The initial idea/dream to go to Oz was my OH's too. I think if he had turned round at the end and said he'd changed his mind - I would have thought seriously about my relationship. I put too much into it to walk away I am afraid.

To be honest - I love my OH to pieces - but if he said he was going back to the UK - I wouldn't go with him.

iPom

The OP sounds like a serious case of cold feet and I would be inclined to keep hanging in there. It's unusually cruel of him to expect you to drop everything you've been hoping for and I agree with others that you should at least give it a year or two out here before deciding what to do. It doesn't have to be a permanent move... just try it on and see how it fits.
I hope you're managing to talk with him because I think you probably feel quite gutted inside after all your hard work. I know I would.
There is no risk now because you've done all the risky stuff. Now all you have to do is get on the plane and come for an extended holiday (if you want to look at it like that) and see how life works out for you.

I suppose the bottom line is 'Will you regret not trying it?'

If you will, then come. If you won't have regrets, then fine... but don't live regretting this because that sort of regret causes a lot of angst in the long run.

Australia_bound?

Hope are both feeling a bit happier now having made a decision (I know it can't have been easy). I hope you don't take some comments on here too seriously (i.e. dump hubby as he don't wanna go plus a few others telling you you're making a mistake) as some people reply without any thought of if it may or may not be upsetting to others who've probably had to make major decisions regarding their own lives.
Good luck with what the future brings, and despite what some may say UK isn't the worst of place to live and it does have a lot to offer

KatieStar

Hi I just wanted to wish you good luck for the future. I hope things work out ok. Could you have a chat with him and discuss the reasons for moving out to Oz.

After we had been out here for 6 months or so I started to get really homesick and wanted to move back home. My other half said ok, but didn't want to. He said that he would go back for me. However after a heartfelt chat about the reasons he loves it here, it made me realise that we do have a better life style over here, even though there are some negative aspects ( the heat mainly). I now feel much more settled and have no plans to move home again. In fact I am beginning to feel Australia is my home.

All the best.
Katie

jensteve

I think everyone on here who has gone through the whole visa process will agree with what I am about to say, its only when the visa gets accepted that a person/couple will suddenly has a panic attack and all the negative feelings suddenly surface. You do go into panic mode, have I done the right thing, shall we go, it all goes through your mind.
It all depends on whether you are stern enough stuff to chuck all the negative to one side and just say right, lets go we can come back if need be!

Our agreement, and I guess most couples have one was to stay at least 2 years no matter what, a few weeks into being here and we instantly knew we would be staying a lot longerthan that.

I am glad you have at least validated, its amazing how many people we met going through our process though who did the same went back to the UK, and then only in their 40/50's wanted to return and couldn't, believe me they regretted it dearly.

Can you not class it as a working holiday?? All be it a rather extended one, you can go fruit picking for 2 years if you want or even pack packing round OZ.

Oh well hope your other half stops panicing.
Jenny

cranni

Hi Louise, sorry but im going to do my" Dear Deidre" bit.
Are you not going to stand up to him, this was and still is a joint decision/marriage. So what happens in the future, he makes all the decisions.
You are both young, and could try it, you will never know if you dont, and you will always wonder "what if". Tell him if it does not work out, you can go back, but at least he tried.
Is there more to it than this, he is probably scared, as we all are when we make this move.
If we can do it in our 40s with all our brood, so can you.
Dont ever give up on your dream.
Denise

Shellfish

To be honest, it's probably for the best if that's his attitude. If you were both to go (with him under duress) and he didn't like it or things went pear-shaped, you would probably be to blame and you would be held accountable. Would you really want that hanging over your shoulders? That's not a good way to spend a marriage. In these circumstances, it's better done alone or not at all.

That said, any time something you don't like happens in the UK you can lay the blame on his shoulders )

kevinbloomfield

Dump him and meet someone who has a bit of get up and go in them

Bloke sounds like a no hope loser to me