Don't want to offend but i found these funny
Nov 9th 2005, 10:51 am
#1
Tired but Happy
Thread Starter
Joined: Feb 2005
Location: Darley, Central Highlands Victoria
Posts: 780
Don't want to offend but i found these funny
As i say don't mean to offend anyone but i found these quite funny.
Q: How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
A: Sixteen. One to change the bulb and 15 to stand around saying, "Goodonya mate."
Q: What is the difference between an Australian wedding and an Australian funeral?
A: One less drunk at the funeral
After several tough years battling everything in a tough NSW wheat growing district a cocky is telling his mate that he is going to pack it all in and drive down to Sydney and get a job. "What route will you take?" his mate asks innocently. The cocky has to think before he replies, "Probably the wife. After all she stuck with me through the drought."
During the war, a British General visited an Australian Army Hospital. Sensing a doom and gloom atmosphere he tried to rally the men by asking "Now you men didn't come here to die did you?" To which an Aussie replied " No sir, we came here yesterdie."
A group of boundary-riders are sitting around arguing over what they'd want if they were lost in the outback and were only allowed one thing. The first says "I couldn't do without my trusty old horse. She could probably lead me to a homestead from the back of Burke." The second says "You can have your horse but I'd want my swag. If you're gonna be lost you may as well sleep warm at night." The third says "There's no question. I'd want my old Queensland Heeler "Blue" He's my best mate and if I was gonna die out there I'd want him beside me." The last old bushie says "Only one thing I'd need -- a pack of cards. See, I'd start playing patience and before long some bastard would be looking over my shoulder saying "Red Jack on black Queen."
Q: What do Australians put in their pockets that Americans throw away?
A: Snot.
Q: What did the Australian do after raking the leaves?
A: He fell out of the tree
Q: How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
A: Sixteen. One to change the bulb and 15 to stand around saying, "Goodonya mate."
Q: What is the difference between an Australian wedding and an Australian funeral?
A: One less drunk at the funeral
After several tough years battling everything in a tough NSW wheat growing district a cocky is telling his mate that he is going to pack it all in and drive down to Sydney and get a job. "What route will you take?" his mate asks innocently. The cocky has to think before he replies, "Probably the wife. After all she stuck with me through the drought."
During the war, a British General visited an Australian Army Hospital. Sensing a doom and gloom atmosphere he tried to rally the men by asking "Now you men didn't come here to die did you?" To which an Aussie replied " No sir, we came here yesterdie."
A group of boundary-riders are sitting around arguing over what they'd want if they were lost in the outback and were only allowed one thing. The first says "I couldn't do without my trusty old horse. She could probably lead me to a homestead from the back of Burke." The second says "You can have your horse but I'd want my swag. If you're gonna be lost you may as well sleep warm at night." The third says "There's no question. I'd want my old Queensland Heeler "Blue" He's my best mate and if I was gonna die out there I'd want him beside me." The last old bushie says "Only one thing I'd need -- a pack of cards. See, I'd start playing patience and before long some bastard would be looking over my shoulder saying "Red Jack on black Queen."
Q: What do Australians put in their pockets that Americans throw away?
A: Snot.
Q: What did the Australian do after raking the leaves?
A: He fell out of the tree
Nov 9th 2005, 11:21 am
#2
Fighting my corner
Joined: Aug 2005
Location: Adelaide, South Australia
Posts: 11,948
Re: Don't want to offend but i found these funny
Love 'em! 
Nov 9th 2005, 11:36 am
#3
Suzy's Mummy too!
Joined: Aug 2004
Location: Gold Coast!
Posts: 4,231
Re: Don't want to offend but i found these funny
What about this..?
Definition of Aussie Outdoor Barbecuing
It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do: When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.
(1) The woman goes to the store.
(2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.
(4) The man places the meat on the grill.
(5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
(7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
(8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
(10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
Definition of Aussie Outdoor Barbecuing
It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do: When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.
(1) The woman goes to the store.
(2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.
(4) The man places the meat on the grill.
(5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
(7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
(8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
(10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
Nov 9th 2005, 11:44 am
#4
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Nov 2003
Location: Scotland
Posts: 7,949
Re: Don't want to offend but i found these funny
Originally Posted by Jonahs_mummy
What about this..?
Definition of Aussie Outdoor Barbecuing
It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do: When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.
(1) The woman goes to the store.
(2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.
(4) The man places the meat on the grill.
(5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
(7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
(8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
(10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
Definition of Aussie Outdoor Barbecuing
It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do: When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.
(1) The woman goes to the store.
(2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.
(4) The man places the meat on the grill.
(5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
(7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
(8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
(10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
OzTennis
Nov 9th 2005, 11:44 am
#5
Suzy's Mummy too!
Joined: Aug 2004
Location: Gold Coast!
Posts: 4,231
Re: Don't want to offend but i found these funny
Originally Posted by OzTennis
And the man goes out to work to earn the money to enable the woman to be a person of leisure.
OzTennis
OzTennis
Nov 9th 2005, 11:59 am
#6
BE Enthusiast
Joined: May 2004
Location: Shropshire
Posts: 465
Re: Don't want to offend but i found these funny
Originally Posted by Jonahs_mummy
What about this..?
Definition of Aussie Outdoor Barbecuing
It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do: When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.
(1) The woman goes to the store.
(2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.
(4) The man places the meat on the grill.
(5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
(7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
(8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
(10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
Definition of Aussie Outdoor Barbecuing
It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do: When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.
(1) The woman goes to the store.
(2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.
(4) The man places the meat on the grill.
(5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
(7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
(8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
(10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
Nov 9th 2005, 12:14 pm
#7
Suzy's Mummy too!
Joined: Aug 2004
Location: Gold Coast!
Posts: 4,231
Re: Don't want to offend but i found these funny
Originally Posted by Britishaussie
This isn't restricted to Aussie men. You just described my husband (though he is a wannabe Aussie and has PR - does that count?)
Nov 9th 2005, 12:21 pm
#8
An Australian Citizen !!
Joined: Aug 2004
Location: Terrigal - NSW Central Coast since June 2005
Posts: 1,237
Re: Don't want to offend but i found these funny
Originally Posted by poshrice
As i say don't mean to offend anyone but i found these quite funny.
Q: How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
A: Sixteen. One to change the bulb and 15 to stand around saying, "Goodonya mate."
Q: What is the difference between an Australian wedding and an Australian funeral?
A: One less drunk at the funeral
After several tough years battling everything in a tough NSW wheat growing district a cocky is telling his mate that he is going to pack it all in and drive down to Sydney and get a job. "What route will you take?" his mate asks innocently. The cocky has to think before he replies, "Probably the wife. After all she stuck with me through the drought."
During the war, a British General visited an Australian Army Hospital. Sensing a doom and gloom atmosphere he tried to rally the men by asking "Now you men didn't come here to die did you?" To which an Aussie replied " No sir, we came here yesterdie."
A group of boundary-riders are sitting around arguing over what they'd want if they were lost in the outback and were only allowed one thing. The first says "I couldn't do without my trusty old horse. She could probably lead me to a homestead from the back of Burke." The second says "You can have your horse but I'd want my swag. If you're gonna be lost you may as well sleep warm at night." The third says "There's no question. I'd want my old Queensland Heeler "Blue" He's my best mate and if I was gonna die out there I'd want him beside me." The last old bushie says "Only one thing I'd need -- a pack of cards. See, I'd start playing patience and before long some bastard would be looking over my shoulder saying "Red Jack on black Queen."
Q: What do Australians put in their pockets that Americans throw away?
A: Snot.
Q: What did the Australian do after raking the leaves?
A: He fell out of the tree
Q: How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
A: Sixteen. One to change the bulb and 15 to stand around saying, "Goodonya mate."
Q: What is the difference between an Australian wedding and an Australian funeral?
A: One less drunk at the funeral
After several tough years battling everything in a tough NSW wheat growing district a cocky is telling his mate that he is going to pack it all in and drive down to Sydney and get a job. "What route will you take?" his mate asks innocently. The cocky has to think before he replies, "Probably the wife. After all she stuck with me through the drought."
During the war, a British General visited an Australian Army Hospital. Sensing a doom and gloom atmosphere he tried to rally the men by asking "Now you men didn't come here to die did you?" To which an Aussie replied " No sir, we came here yesterdie."
A group of boundary-riders are sitting around arguing over what they'd want if they were lost in the outback and were only allowed one thing. The first says "I couldn't do without my trusty old horse. She could probably lead me to a homestead from the back of Burke." The second says "You can have your horse but I'd want my swag. If you're gonna be lost you may as well sleep warm at night." The third says "There's no question. I'd want my old Queensland Heeler "Blue" He's my best mate and if I was gonna die out there I'd want him beside me." The last old bushie says "Only one thing I'd need -- a pack of cards. See, I'd start playing patience and before long some bastard would be looking over my shoulder saying "Red Jack on black Queen."
Q: What do Australians put in their pockets that Americans throw away?
A: Snot.
Q: What did the Australian do after raking the leaves?
A: He fell out of the tree
The first one applies equally to English road-hole diggers - one with the tools, one on the mobile, one leaning on his shovel, one in the portaloo, one directing the traffic and just one down the hole doing the business.
Jim
Nov 9th 2005, 12:39 pm
#9
BE Forum Addict
Joined: May 2005
Location: Bunbury WA
Posts: 1,844
Re: Don't want to offend but i found these funny
Originally Posted by Britishaussie
This isn't restricted to Aussie men. You just described my husband (though he is a wannabe Aussie and has PR - does that count?)
Nov 9th 2005, 8:15 pm
#10
Tired but Happy
Thread Starter
Joined: Feb 2005
Location: Darley, Central Highlands Victoria
Posts: 780
Re: Don't want to offend but i found these funny
Don't they take the credit for everything i spend ages on here surfing around BE being noey seeing who's doing what and going where and managed to do something hubby has been trying to do since he got back from Sydney in May. Thanks to me he now has Australian maps for his Tom Tom 5 sat nav. Ok he had to install them but i had already downloaded software was told that i need by Eljustino big thank you too him by the way and had found zipped file with maps in. Oh well a womans work is never done. 
Poshrice
Poshrice
Nov 9th 2005, 10:10 pm
#11
BE Forum Addict
Joined: May 2005
Location: Bunbury WA
Posts: 1,844
Re: Don't want to offend but i found these funny
Originally Posted by poshrice
Don't they take the credit for everything i spend ages on here surfing around BE being noey seeing who's doing what and going where and managed to do something hubby has been trying to do since he got back from Sydney in May. Thanks to me he now has Australian maps for his Tom Tom 5 sat nav. Ok he had to install them but i had already downloaded software was told that i need by Eljustino big thank you too him by the way and had found zipped file with maps in. Oh well a womans work is never done.
Poshrice
Poshrice
Nov 10th 2005, 8:10 am
#12
Life is good
Joined: Dec 2003
Location: Perth, WA
Posts: 1,019
Re: Don't want to offend but i found these funny
Originally Posted by Jonahs_mummy
What about this..?
Definition of Aussie Outdoor Barbecuing
It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do: When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.
(1) The woman goes to the store.
(2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.
(4) The man places the meat on the grill.
(5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
(7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
(8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
(10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
Definition of Aussie Outdoor Barbecuing
It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do: When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.
(1) The woman goes to the store.
(2) The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill, drinking a beer.
(4) The man places the meat on the grill.
(5) The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
(7) The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
(8) The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
(10) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.
Perfect senario.
Same in the UK isn't it?
