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DONT KNOW WHAT YOUVE GOT TILL ITS GONE

DONT KNOW WHAT YOUVE GOT TILL ITS GONE

Old Jun 23rd 2008, 6:11 am
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Default DONT KNOW WHAT YOUVE GOT TILL ITS GONE

as its says thats exactly how i feel,i feel i have given up everything of what i had back home to come here,my friends,family,my house etc.well some of you will be thinking well why did you come here,i wanted to have the chance for all of us to have a better way of life for us and the kids,but i feel i have given up so much and taken the kids away from everyone and everything they knew,yes the boys seem happy here and are settling in their new school,hubby is getting on ok and likes his job,but its me that is finding it hard i know the kids do miss their family and friends and hubby does too but as each day goes by im finding it harder and harder to cope,im taking it out on them which is not fair and at the mo im making things really difficult for all of us,i cry most days in thinking what have i done i want to be able to get on but at the same time i cant see a way forward,im looking forward to family coming out this yr but at the same time when they go back it will make me worse,i miss the boys old school the twins pre-school my house everything that i had i feel ive given it all up,i wish i hadent have sold my house i think that was the biggest mistake i did,but we needed the money,i dont think i realised what i had back at home until it was gone i know we can go back and doesnt have to be forever i know but hubby wants to really make a go of it out here especially for the kids to be able to give them a choice when they are older to be able to choose where they want to live i can understand what he means but 4 yrs feels a long way off especially the way im feeling.dont get me wrong i chose to come here too and wanted it to work out so please dont anyone come on here and have a go cos im struggling too much as it is,but we did have everything back at home and my kids were happy at school and where we lived and had all their friends and family around them but i feel ive took them all away from that and feel so bad for doing it i want to be able to enjoy it out here but for family and friends and what i had its just so hard,and it wasnt just a thing in saying oh yeah were just up and go and do that we had started the process nearly 3 yrs ago,i knew it would be hard but didnt know how hard,does anyone else feel like they have given up too much,as i said please no slating me off i just cant see a way forward at the mo and how to deal with it has anyone got any ideas please
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Old Jun 23rd 2008, 6:19 am
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Default Re: DONT KNOW WHAT YOUVE GOT TILL ITS GONE

Originally Posted by kericare View Post
as its says thats exactly how i feel,i feel i have given up everything of what i had back home to come here,my friends,family,my house etc.well some of you will be thinking well why did you come here,i wanted to have the chance for all of us to have a better way of life for us and the kids,but i feel i have given up so much and taken the kids away from everyone and everything they knew,yes the boys seem happy here and are settling in their new school,hubby is getting on ok and likes his job,but its me that is finding it hard i know the kids do miss their family and friends and hubby does too but as each day goes by im finding it harder and harder to cope,im taking it out on them which is not fair and at the mo im making things really difficult for all of us,i cry most days in thinking what have i done i want to be able to get on but at the same time i cant see a way forward,im looking forward to family coming out this yr but at the same time when they go back it will make me worse,i miss the boys old school the twins pre-school my house everything that i had i feel ive given it all up,i wish i hadent have sold my house i think that was the biggest mistake i did,but we needed the money,i dont think i realised what i had back at home until it was gone i know we can go back and doesnt have to be forever i know but hubby wants to really make a go of it out here especially for the kids to be able to give them a choice when they are older to be able to choose where they want to live i can understand what he means but 4 yrs feels a long way off especially the way im feeling.dont get me wrong i chose to come here too and wanted it to work out so please dont anyone come on here and have a go cos im struggling too much as it is,but we did have everything back at home and my kids were happy at school and where we lived and had all their friends and family around them but i feel ive took them all away from that and feel so bad for doing it i want to be able to enjoy it out here but for family and friends and what i had its just so hard,and it wasnt just a thing in saying oh yeah were just up and go and do that we had started the process nearly 3 yrs ago,i knew it would be hard but didnt know how hard,does anyone else feel like they have given up too much,as i said please no slating me off i just cant see a way forward at the mo and how to deal with it has anyone got any ideas please
Dear Keri

All of this is normal. I felt this for a long time. Some folk get over it and some don't. I am happy in Australia but still wonder if we will settle here for good. Chin up Girl.

PS you may get more replies if you make your posts easier to read....(not a criticism, it just not that easy to read in the style that you have used).
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Old Jun 23rd 2008, 6:24 am
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Default Re: DONT KNOW WHAT YOUVE GOT TILL ITS GONE

Originally Posted by kericare View Post
as its says thats exactly how i feel,i feel i have given up everything of what i had back home to come here,my friends,family,my house etc.well some of you will be thinking well why did you come here,i wanted to have the chance for all of us to have a better way of life for us and the kids,but i feel i have given up so much and taken the kids away from everyone and everything they knew,yes the boys seem happy here and are settling in their new school,hubby is getting on ok and likes his job,but its me that is finding it hard i know the kids do miss their family and friends and hubby does too but as each day goes by im finding it harder and harder to cope,im taking it out on them which is not fair and at the mo im making things really difficult for all of us,i cry most days in thinking what have i done i want to be able to get on but at the same time i cant see a way forward,im looking forward to family coming out this yr but at the same time when they go back it will make me worse,i miss the boys old school the twins pre-school my house everything that i had i feel ive given it all up,i wish i hadent have sold my house i think that was the biggest mistake i did,but we needed the money,i dont think i realised what i had back at home until it was gone i know we can go back and doesnt have to be forever i know but hubby wants to really make a go of it out here especially for the kids to be able to give them a choice when they are older to be able to choose where they want to live i can understand what he means but 4 yrs feels a long way off especially the way im feeling.dont get me wrong i chose to come here too and wanted it to work out so please dont anyone come on here and have a go cos im struggling too much as it is,but we did have everything back at home and my kids were happy at school and where we lived and had all their friends and family around them but i feel ive took them all away from that and feel so bad for doing it i want to be able to enjoy it out here but for family and friends and what i had its just so hard,and it wasnt just a thing in saying oh yeah were just up and go and do that we had started the process nearly 3 yrs ago,i knew it would be hard but didnt know how hard,does anyone else feel like they have given up too much,as i said please no slating me off i just cant see a way forward at the mo and how to deal with it has anyone got any ideas please
It is completely understandable you feel so unsettled - it is a huge move - all of your security and the familarity that grounds you has disappeared instantly. Things do change and life moves on - I feel strongly that people need to start to feel connected to an area/place. For me it was starting work again - familiar routine, structure, meeting people, learning stuff, and joining activities/clubs - some of which I would never have dreamed of in the uk. You have to be brave, move outside of that small comfort zone and be prepared for a few knock backs. Remember you have to kiss a few frogs to find a prince - this is true of all relationships be it friends, work and Australia.
Good luck - I hope you begin to feel more settled.

PS. where are you by the way ?
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Old Jun 23rd 2008, 6:43 am
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Default Re: DONT KNOW WHAT YOUVE GOT TILL ITS GONE

thanks for yr post were in perth
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Old Jun 23rd 2008, 6:45 am
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Default Re: DONT KNOW WHAT YOUVE GOT TILL ITS GONE

Originally Posted by kericare View Post
thanks for yr post were in perth
I'm in Perth too. Northern burbs - would be happy to meet up. Just organising meeting up with someone on Thursday lunchtime - want to come ??????
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Old Jun 23rd 2008, 6:46 am
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Default Re: DONT KNOW WHAT YOUVE GOT TILL ITS GONE

Originally Posted by kericare View Post
thanks for yr post were in perth
Perth can be problematic it seems. Something to do with the isolation.

They may still do the Hillary's meets....that might be an avenue for you to meet up with some other expats and share.
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Old Jun 23rd 2008, 7:06 am
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Default Re: DONT KNOW WHAT YOUVE GOT TILL ITS GONE

Originally Posted by kericare View Post
as its says thats exactly how i feel,i feel i have given up everything of what i had back home to come here,my friends,family,my house etc.well some of you will be thinking well why did you come here,i wanted to have the chance for all of us to have a better way of life for us and the kids,but i feel i have given up so much and taken the kids away from everyone and everything they knew,yes the boys seem happy here and are settling in their new school,hubby is getting on ok and likes his job,but its me that is finding it hard i know the kids do miss their family and friends and hubby does too but as each day goes by im finding it harder and harder to cope,im taking it out on them which is not fair and at the mo im making things really difficult for all of us,i cry most days in thinking what have i done i want to be able to get on but at the same time i cant see a way forward,im looking forward to family coming out this yr but at the same time when they go back it will make me worse,i miss the boys old school the twins pre-school my house everything that i had i feel ive given it all up,i wish i hadent have sold my house i think that was the biggest mistake i did,but we needed the money,i dont think i realised what i had back at home until it was gone i know we can go back and doesnt have to be forever i know but hubby wants to really make a go of it out here especially for the kids to be able to give them a choice when they are older to be able to choose where they want to live i can understand what he means but 4 yrs feels a long way off especially the way im feeling.dont get me wrong i chose to come here too and wanted it to work out so please dont anyone come on here and have a go cos im struggling too much as it is,but we did have everything back at home and my kids were happy at school and where we lived and had all their friends and family around them but i feel ive took them all away from that and feel so bad for doing it i want to be able to enjoy it out here but for family and friends and what i had its just so hard,and it wasnt just a thing in saying oh yeah were just up and go and do that we had started the process nearly 3 yrs ago,i knew it would be hard but didnt know how hard,does anyone else feel like they have given up too much,as i said please no slating me off i just cant see a way forward at the mo and how to deal with it has anyone got any ideas please

Dont give up.

It is the worst feeling in the world and my heart goes out to you, but please give it time.

I went through the same thing the first time we went out......came back to the UK and after 6 months returned to Oz.

We went back to a different state and settled really well and loved the place we were (until blackmail bought us back).

Now we are on on our way back again....

I am not saying that if you came back you would return again, but its an expensive way of finding out what you do want and where you want to be!

All I am saying is time is the best thing you can give youself and stop beating yourself up over it. You made a decision to go....remember all the reasons you went through the hassle of getting visas and going in the first place.

If you children are OK and the hubby is OK, then you need to give yourself more time and get out there and make some friends.....I promise if you do that and find someone that you connect with, you will start to feel better about everything.

Sorry gone on a bit, but I really want you to think more positive about what you have now... and dont think everything is forever, think today I am going to be OK and you might start to believe it.

LibbyX
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Old Jun 23rd 2008, 7:11 am
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Default Re: DONT KNOW WHAT YOUVE GOT TILL ITS GONE

I would echo what sme and busterboy say. Go and meet sme on Thursday if you can, if anyone can cheer you up she can
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Old Jun 23rd 2008, 7:18 am
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Default Re: DONT KNOW WHAT YOUVE GOT TILL ITS GONE

Originally Posted by northernbird View Post
I would echo what sme and busterboy say. Go and meet sme on Thursday if you can, if anyone can cheer you up she can
Dont forget the Kings Park meet which just to confuse everyone we are holding at Hilary's this time (due to it being winter)

It's a good place to meet new people, put names to faces etc
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Old Jun 23rd 2008, 7:43 am
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Default Re: DONT KNOW WHAT YOUVE GOT TILL ITS GONE

Hi Kerri, 1st off well done for speaking about your experience and 2nd you will be very surprised in the amount of people who have felt this way or who are feeling this way aswell. I went through exactly the same thing, and its only when you come bk the UK you realise that it was all normal and its part & parcel of going thru the whole relocating thingy. My best advice is like others have said get out more and meet ppl, its the friends you make that will make you strong and you will move thru this part of the process & come thru it the other end a better,stronger,happier person, it makes you grow & learn, granted your low & missing lots now but you will get thru it, give yourself time, dont put pressure on yourself!

Good Luck

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Old Jun 23rd 2008, 7:59 am
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Default Re: DONT KNOW WHAT YOUVE GOT TILL ITS GONE

Homesickness stinks, it really does.... I can only reinforce what everyone else has said... Get out of the house, make yourself meet new people, and expect your life to be very different to how it was. If you're not working find yourself a job or volunteer....

The following link may help: http://www.volunteeringwa.org.au/

Taking these steps is uncomfortable, but it will make getting used to your new life and location better for you. You may think that volunteering is just not 'you', but you'll be surprised how helping others, can actually help you.
You are mourning the loss of your old life and that's normal
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Old Jun 23rd 2008, 9:36 am
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Default Re: DONT KNOW WHAT YOUVE GOT TILL ITS GONE

Originally Posted by alipally View Post
Homesickness stinks, it really does.... I can only reinforce what everyone else has said... Get out of the house, make yourself meet new people, and expect your life to be very different to how it was. If you're not working find yourself a job or volunteer....

The following link may help: http://www.volunteeringwa.org.au/

Taking these steps is uncomfortable, but it will make getting used to your new life and location better for you. You may think that volunteering is just not 'you', but you'll be surprised how helping others, can actually help you.
You are mourning the loss of your old life and that's normal

Thats exactly it! MOURNING, you are going thru the grieving period, I couldnt understand WHY I was feeling like this after all the excitment and hard work to get there, the sad thing was I got it from day one and the mixed emotions of seeing husband & kids go thru it in their way makes it even harder, IT DOES GET BETTER, give yourself time.

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Old Jun 23rd 2008, 1:46 pm
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Default Re: DONT KNOW WHAT YOUVE GOT TILL ITS GONE

Kericare,

What you are feeling is perfectly understandable. You have left your life behind, and as such, there is a huge hole to fill, -in the form of your new life.

I found it extremely difficult initially, -probably harder than most, as I was here alone, and had no-one to rejoice or comiserate with. However, things have worked out better than ever and I can't imagine going back to where I came from. If I did, I would feel exactly how you have described here, I think.

Keep in touch with your friends back home, but push like hell to meet people over here. This forum is a great tool for that, and I know many people here will bend over backwards to have a drink with you (pissheads they are!).

Give it time, it takes a long time. and if it doesn't work out, then it wasn't for you. Take care of yourself mate, and good luck.

J
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Old Jun 23rd 2008, 2:02 pm
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Default Re: DONT KNOW WHAT YOUVE GOT TILL ITS GONE

Hi Kericare, sorry to hear that you are going through a spell of homesickness.

If you spend some time going through the threads on this site, you'll see that you are not alone....it is very common. I've read many of these threads, and much of the time, the mother in the family feels very upset and homesick, yet the father and kids always seem to be enjoying life and settling in well. This seems to be a very common trend in my opinion.

The only thing I can suggest, is try your hardest to meet new people, any way you can. Sometimes you'll meet people that you don't get on with...but more often than not this won't be the case !!

Also, remember that the feelings of homesickness usually fade over time. Though I'd probably better mention that they don't always fade, otherwise I'll be corrected by one or two homesick expat veterans !

best of luck,
Mark
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Old Jun 23rd 2008, 10:47 pm
  #15  
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Default Re: DONT KNOW WHAT YOUVE GOT TILL ITS GONE

Originally Posted by markallwood View Post

Also, remember that the feelings of homesickness usually fade over time. Though I'd probably better mention that they don't always fade, otherwise I'll be corrected by one or two homesick expat veterans !

best of luck,
Mark
LOL Mark I wouldnt dare to correct you! However, you are quite correct, homesickness per se will fade as does any kind of grief dealt with normally. The sense of not belonging perhaps never goes away but the tearing grief of homesickness most likely does (dont know, I have never experienced it) The best thing, as others have suggested is to get out and be active, set up new routines especially for exercise and Alipally was right - getting out and volunteering is a great way to begin to get into the community. I am sure that your kids' school would love an extra pair of hands otherwise there are a heap of charities who would welcome you with open arms.

Break down the time into manageable chunks - 4 years may sound like a lifetime but it isnt, in the scheme of a long life it is but a blip. I always find the calendar and big red pen make the time go quicker. Set goals for yourself to manage (birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, whatever) and give yourself a reward when you manage to get to one of them - massage, facial, cinema, donuts etc. If you can reframe your thinking into acknowledging that this isnt for ever, that it is a big adventure and that you still have the power to make a decision about where you will go and when you will do it then it all becomes much easier to manage.

There are also little mind tricks which help - positive self talk (have a mantra about your life that you tell yourself every time you look in the mirror eg "I am so lucky to be living here in the sunshine, it is a huge adventure and I am going to have a wonderful day!" or fake it til you make it - when anyone asks how you are tell them Fantastic!!!!!!!!! with a huge smile on your face. Or thought stopping - if you are having an OMG this is a disaster thought, actually say STOP! I am not going to think about you now, I will think about you constructively at 2pm (and then have a positive thought bank that you can divert to - like writing your novel or appreciating a good bit of eye candy in a movie) chances are your thought wont be back at 2pm anyway so you wont have to deal with it.

It is when you sense that you have no power to change things and that it is going to be forever that things become harder to manage.

{{{{hugs}}}} it will get better!
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