daunted

Hello again - thought this thread is over due. In the 'nearly' 2 years i have been here i have been approached by many people contemplating doing the big move alone. I dont mind in the least hearing from anyone with their worries etc but there have been so many of late that maybe this thread needs to run parallel to other single parent threads.
OK.... as i have said we been here nearly 2 years now and we are very settled and happy. The kids amazed me in the way they settled into their new life and i was lucky enough to find work as soon as i landed. Guess that is two of the major issues dealt with straight away.
Nothing can prepare you for the emotional and physical strength needed to make the move away from all that is familiar to you and your child/ren. You not only have to handle the fact that you have taken your child/ren away from grand parents and extended family but you also have to handle the fact that the one other person in the world that hopefully loves your children as much as you do (the absent parent) is the opposite side of the world and missing out on their children growing up. From my families point of view we are not close - it all went to s*** when i said we were emigrating and hasnt got any better especially since a visit last christmas, which has in some respects made it easier for me. I dont miss my family (except for my eldest who stayed back in uk).
The reality of doing it as a single parent is that you have to work bloody hard physically- no working families tax credit here and emotionally you have to be able to put your own emotions on hold so that you can deal with the kids worries and concerns. I still have days when i lock myself in the ensuite so i can have a good cry and wonder how i am going to handle the latest teenage situation. I am lucky enough to have a good enough relationship to know that i can call their dad if i need to but the feeling of taking responsibilty for taking them away from their dad prevents me from sharing the load. you will worry about what happens to the kids if anything were to happen to you - who is there for the kids - who do you put as next of kin on school forms, suppose you are seriously ill. I had a health scare and it made me realise quite how vulnerable the kids were if i was not around for them (thankfully it all was unnecessary)
I have made many many friends all of whom i would do anything for in return for the way they have helped me settle so quickly, but they are all in the typical family with 2.4 children and really have no idea how it is to do it alone. that is no disrespect to them - i could not expect them to understand my life. I am knackered. I work longer hours than i have ever worked before, frequently gettin up at 4am to go to work or returning at 6.30 at night when the kids have had to feed themselves. This alone causes intense feelings of guilt in that i am not there to see them off to school or meet them when they get home. I am fast being left off the party invite list cos i am rarely available to make the lastest girls lunch or party night due to work commitments. I cant blame them - in their position i guess i wouldnt bother either after so many refusals.
As a single person, male or female, UK or anywhere else in the world, you are usually hoping to meet that 'someone special' to share the rest of your life with. I arrived in Oz thinkign new life new man etc etc but the reality of it all is just the same as in UK. Unless you are in the enviable position to not have to work than you are probably going to be too knackered to even be able to get out there and find someone and then if you do you will be feeling guilty cos you should be concentrating on your kids who you have just dragged to the opposite side of the world away from their other parent!
Issues with kids behaviour at school or else where you will question whether it is the fact that you have uprooted them from all that is familiar to them. the reality of it is that they would probably face the same issues in UK,but the feelings of guilt will not let you rest. Afraid to tell people what is happening for fear of them telling you you are at fault for taking them away from family, or just feelings of failure as a parent cos you are so busy working to 'provide' that you just take the weight on your own shoulders. Too proud to ask for help, not having the life long friendships to support you, new friend who you love but dont know if you can rely on or trust not to be talking about you behind your back. Paranoia i guess but all stemmed from the fact that you dared to take the chance at offering your children and grandchildren a better way of life.
Summing it all up i wouldnt go back. I honestly believe that I have given my kids a better standard of life. I am still knackered, I am still stressed. I still work full time. I am still trying to find the love of my life - more so to recognise it without feelings of guilt when i find it.
BUT please dont believe it is going to be easy. It is not. It is without doubt the hardest thing i have ever done. However i would still not change it. You need to be strong (or insane). You need to be able to lock yourself away in a cupboard (or ensuite) and have a cry and then come out with big smiles on your face to reassure the kids and i think that most of all you have to accept that it is just as difficult in the UK as a single parent,emotionally, as it is here. In fact many 'typical families' probably feel the same way its just that doing it alone you take all the blame, guilt and responsibility on your own shoulders.
At the end of the day my only words of advice would be is to ask yourself who is your main support network and how quickly would you go back to them (if they in UK) if times got hard. Cos doing it alone you are going to take many many knocks. There is no fault in needing family around at bad times but if they are you main support network please think hard - is Oz really for you? do you want to be tooing and froing? Its hard, bloody hard but from my point of view i will continue to lock myself in my ensuite because i honestly believe that one day my children will thank me x

bethnphoebe

Hi,
It's really interesting reading this the day after i have been asked to go for my medicals and police checks. I am so worried that i am letting my daughter down by moving her away from her family and friends and am concerned i won't cope away from my support network. I know it won't be plain sailing but you give me inspiration that i'll cope!

daunted

it wont be easy.. question is 'do you want it bad enough'

suesk

Hi daunted we went through the process together. Congrats on making it this far I think u r very brave and like u said this is a better life 4 our children. Heres to nxt couple of yrs good luck with everything u do in the future. Fantastic post by the way.

Suexx

daunted

thanks suesk - you too

Clara W

Well done Daunted hit the nail on the head once again with everything!!! I also did it alone but with one child and I am only 18 months in but every day it gets easier.

I still smile EVERYTIME I see the sea and the wonderful colourful birds even though they are waking me up earlier than I ever got up in the UK. I laugh when my daughter talks with a twang in front of her friends! I breath deeply when I leave my office at the end of the day rushing to get home to my daughter and she doesn't even notice me coming in!

I also think one day she will thank me!!

Cx

daunted

and i am sure she will clara. the small things cant be bought hey

daunted

quinns rock??? i reckon you only 3 hours from me!! maybe we should get togethter xx

Fly Away

Excellent post Daunted. You are an inspiration to us all. We don't know we're born do we?

Great to see you too Clara! Glad you are settling too.

Good to see some realism to temper the dreams. The dreams do keep you going though - even if those dreams change.

Al the best to you both.

Juliecabs

Great post Daunted. I'm sure it'll give hope to many that it can be done if the desire is strong enough.

Julie. x

emelems

You're a very brave person, that was a great post.. and really chuffed for you that you and your kids are all settled.. and Mr Right might be just around the corner.. for now I'd just enjoy the fact that you don't have to share that TV remote with anyone! (well.. maybe the kids!)

Em x

Dorothy

I've been thinking of doing another King's Park meet this summer so you see each other there!

jad n rich

Good post and well done no surviving it all

Re. the financial side - there might not be working families tax credit but there are a mass of benefits for families here. You should be able to get lots of help, unless you are on a VERY high income. I have a single friend and a tenant both single parents, the help both get from centerlink almost matches their part time wage. Benefits in OZ are very generous, have a look into it.

Gems

Great post, Im not a single parent and so dont know how you have managed it all on your own.

The move over to Australia is stressful enough, so doing it on your own takes a hell of a lot of courage.

So just wanted to say, WOW your one brave lady. Well done.

Gems

mark 'n' joe

Great post hun. Well done, you are doing a great job. Its hard enough when there are 2 of you. I go into the ensuite too

Mr Right will turn up when you least expect him. All the best for the coming years and yes im sure your kids will thank you for all you are doing for them

Joex