Do I compromise?
Oct 4th 2003, 4:54 am
#31
Drowning Member
Joined: Sep 2003
Location: West Sussex.....for now!
Posts: 161
Well done Jackie, it is a very brave thing to do at that stage in your life. But it doesn't have to be forever, and you only live once.
Oct 4th 2003, 4:54 am
#32
Forum Regular
Joined: Jul 2003
Location: NZ Soon
Posts: 73
Hi Tazzy,
I am a parent and would find it dffficult if my children were to go to another country. At the moment they are only 3 and 6 but I can understand where your parents are coming from. At the same time you have a husband and a child and this is your family. Your decisions are for you and your family to make. If you still want to go do it. Remember they lived ther lives the way they wanted to and you may have not approved. If they love and wish the best for you it will all work out.
Compromise is a good thing but sometimes you have to go with your heart. I completely feel for you. I am in a similar situation. The person with the doubts is my husband and all the doubt comes from his family. Comments like "I'm not coming to see you it to far" or " we'll never see you again" and "if you go what am I going to do". Now we are putting NZ on hold and moving to Scarborough and I really don't want to but, it's a compromise. Early next year we'll take a holiday to NZ and if we like it my husband told me we'll go. To tell you the truth I don't think NZ will happen because of his family so I am thinking of a backup plan because living in Scarborough for 6 to 9 months is all I can take.
So go with your gut feel and has long as you feel it's right for you and your family (husband and child). It will be alright.
Sam
I am a parent and would find it dffficult if my children were to go to another country. At the moment they are only 3 and 6 but I can understand where your parents are coming from. At the same time you have a husband and a child and this is your family. Your decisions are for you and your family to make. If you still want to go do it. Remember they lived ther lives the way they wanted to and you may have not approved. If they love and wish the best for you it will all work out.
Compromise is a good thing but sometimes you have to go with your heart. I completely feel for you. I am in a similar situation. The person with the doubts is my husband and all the doubt comes from his family. Comments like "I'm not coming to see you it to far" or " we'll never see you again" and "if you go what am I going to do". Now we are putting NZ on hold and moving to Scarborough and I really don't want to but, it's a compromise. Early next year we'll take a holiday to NZ and if we like it my husband told me we'll go. To tell you the truth I don't think NZ will happen because of his family so I am thinking of a backup plan because living in Scarborough for 6 to 9 months is all I can take.
So go with your gut feel and has long as you feel it's right for you and your family (husband and child). It will be alright.
Sam
Oct 4th 2003, 6:07 am
#33
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Joined: Mar 2003
Location: Going Home
Posts: 1,215
We rent out two houses in UK one I have had for years and the second we only bought five weeks before leaving UK, and personally I think it was one of the best things we could have done. The profit from rent x 2.45 covers our rent here. Also its better than £xs sat in a bank which is so easy to whittle away at. We still have foot on UK property ladder. Having property that I can go back to makes it easier to stay here. For some it might make it harder to stay.
If like a lot of us you dont know where you want to settle etc. It will take you about six months to find wheres best for you. So a short term let will be ideal.
If for whatever reason its not for you or you decide you need more time to save etc. You can come back and still have your house.
As for the year scenario, let them believe that, it gives you a year to convince them how much better your life is and bring them round to your way of thinking. Also if possible get them to manage the house rental for you, it will make them feel part of the process and part of your lives and you get a property manager for free.
Parents can be a pain in the bum, but they are the only ones you have and as much as mine give me hassle and stuff I still miss the silly old buggers.
Use every situation to your advantage, minimise risk, and go with the flow.
If like a lot of us you dont know where you want to settle etc. It will take you about six months to find wheres best for you. So a short term let will be ideal.
If for whatever reason its not for you or you decide you need more time to save etc. You can come back and still have your house.
As for the year scenario, let them believe that, it gives you a year to convince them how much better your life is and bring them round to your way of thinking. Also if possible get them to manage the house rental for you, it will make them feel part of the process and part of your lives and you get a property manager for free.
Parents can be a pain in the bum, but they are the only ones you have and as much as mine give me hassle and stuff I still miss the silly old buggers.
Use every situation to your advantage, minimise risk, and go with the flow.
Last edited by karawara88; Oct 4th 2003 at 6:21 am.
Oct 4th 2003, 9:27 pm
#34
....is FAB
Joined: Jul 2003
Location: Sunshine Coast
Posts: 2,579
Originally posted by SteveBannister
I'm assuming that this brother is your only sibling?
I'm assuming that this brother is your only sibling?
Yes he is.........one is quite enough!!!!!
Oct 4th 2003, 9:48 pm
#35
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Joined: May 2003
Location: Melbourne
Posts: 334
Hi Tazzy,
DO WHAT YOU WANT!!!! I'm not sure your parents' idea sounds like a compromise really. More likely that it'll just ensure that your move doesn't work out.
We've been to Oz before but knew it was only for a year - we were renting. It was hard to settle in without the full commitment. When we got fed up with the crappy flat we had we just went back to the UK rather than moving house. Had we made the full move we could have bought our own place and really settled.
If you're used to having your own house you'll never feel settled in a rental. Plus once you buy a place you get to know neighbours and locals who want to make friends as they know you're a real part of the community. When you're renting people often see you as transient so don't bother.
I'd do the full move. Then there are no tricky tax implications, you know where your heart is and you've got the commitment to do whatever it takes to really make a go of it. Aussies will be nicer to you too and more helpful if they really feel you're now one of them. People are always flattered that you've chosen their country to live in.
But...definitely plan a holiday back to the UK as soon as you want and give yourself the freedom to go on holiday to the UK at short notice anytime you feel unsure. Another migrant friend of mine (Oz to UK) was talking about this yesterday. If you feel you can go back to your old 'home' for a holiday whenever you want it makes it easier to settle in to your new country. Sometimes you need a trip back to deal with any homesickness - just to see the place, throw off the rose tinted specs (absence really does make the heart grow fond!), realise all the reasons why you left and how much you're keen to get back to your new home in Oz! And just knowing you could go back on hol whenever you want sometimes takes that homesick feeling away so you don't need to actually do it.
Maybe it would help to tell your parents that with UK house prices predicted to go down it makes sense to sell your house anyway and buy another one when/if you come back? And that you don't want the extra hassle of worrying whether the tenants will pay the rent? It's not easy to cover a UK mortgage on an Aussie income if the tenants default - especially with rent to pay in Oz too.
Best of luck.
DO WHAT YOU WANT!!!! I'm not sure your parents' idea sounds like a compromise really. More likely that it'll just ensure that your move doesn't work out.
We've been to Oz before but knew it was only for a year - we were renting. It was hard to settle in without the full commitment. When we got fed up with the crappy flat we had we just went back to the UK rather than moving house. Had we made the full move we could have bought our own place and really settled.
If you're used to having your own house you'll never feel settled in a rental. Plus once you buy a place you get to know neighbours and locals who want to make friends as they know you're a real part of the community. When you're renting people often see you as transient so don't bother.
I'd do the full move. Then there are no tricky tax implications, you know where your heart is and you've got the commitment to do whatever it takes to really make a go of it. Aussies will be nicer to you too and more helpful if they really feel you're now one of them. People are always flattered that you've chosen their country to live in.
But...definitely plan a holiday back to the UK as soon as you want and give yourself the freedom to go on holiday to the UK at short notice anytime you feel unsure. Another migrant friend of mine (Oz to UK) was talking about this yesterday. If you feel you can go back to your old 'home' for a holiday whenever you want it makes it easier to settle in to your new country. Sometimes you need a trip back to deal with any homesickness - just to see the place, throw off the rose tinted specs (absence really does make the heart grow fond!), realise all the reasons why you left and how much you're keen to get back to your new home in Oz! And just knowing you could go back on hol whenever you want sometimes takes that homesick feeling away so you don't need to actually do it.
Maybe it would help to tell your parents that with UK house prices predicted to go down it makes sense to sell your house anyway and buy another one when/if you come back? And that you don't want the extra hassle of worrying whether the tenants will pay the rent? It's not easy to cover a UK mortgage on an Aussie income if the tenants default - especially with rent to pay in Oz too.
Best of luck.
Oct 4th 2003, 10:36 pm
#36
I Know What's Going On!
Joined: Jan 2003
Location: On The Outside Looking In!
Posts: 1,499
Originally posted by artep
Yes he is.........one is quite enough!!!!!
Yes he is.........one is quite enough!!!!!
Oct 5th 2003, 1:34 am
#37
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Joined: May 2003
Location: Melbourne
Posts: 334
Artep - sorry about the brother situation. I can sympathise.
We had some grief from my husband's siblings. Partly jealousy and partly because they'll have to do more of the parent care (for a change!). They announced that they had thought my father-in-law would move in with us if my mother-in-law died before him (both are in their 80s). I was a bit surprised - noone had asked me what I thought about it
. Turns out they all love their mum and one of the sisters is happy to have her move in with them if father goes first and buy a bigger house to share with the proceeds of the parents' house sale but as they don't like their father much...we get him.
Quite happy to be going really - we have a 3 year old of our own to worry about.
Your parents ignoring the whole issue is a bit of parent thing though - they hear so many wacky ideas from their kids and never quite regard us as grown up. I guess they still think we change our minds every minute like we did about what we wanted for Xmas as kids - maybe they're right?
We had some grief from my husband's siblings. Partly jealousy and partly because they'll have to do more of the parent care (for a change!). They announced that they had thought my father-in-law would move in with us if my mother-in-law died before him (both are in their 80s). I was a bit surprised - noone had asked me what I thought about it
. Turns out they all love their mum and one of the sisters is happy to have her move in with them if father goes first and buy a bigger house to share with the proceeds of the parents' house sale but as they don't like their father much...we get him.Quite happy to be going really - we have a 3 year old of our own to worry about.
Your parents ignoring the whole issue is a bit of parent thing though - they hear so many wacky ideas from their kids and never quite regard us as grown up. I guess they still think we change our minds every minute like we did about what we wanted for Xmas as kids - maybe they're right?
Oct 5th 2003, 2:34 am
#38
....is FAB
Joined: Jul 2003
Location: Sunshine Coast
Posts: 2,579
Steve I think you may be right there.....my brother is prob thinking he'll be left looking after my parents when they're older...mind you hopefully it won't be for a long while yet as they're only just reaching 60. I think too they're worried they'll never be able to afford to visit us, but alas no amount of reassurances from me about our paying for at least their first trip out to us is cutting any ice.
Jolyn you have a point too about jealousy, I think given the opportunity my brother would jump at the chance of emigrating. But of course he would NEVER admit to that. Unfortunately he's the sort of bloke that feels his opinion is the ONLY opinion, he's very black and white.
I've decided now that no amount of emotional blackmail is going to stop me and my family from leading our lives the way and where we choose. I think if I allowed my parents or my brother to stop us from going to oz then the resentment I would feel towards them may just ruin our relationship forever. I appreciate that its upsetting for my parents as we're taking 3 of their grandchildren to the other side of the world, but if I added up the amount of days we've seen my parents this year I would be suprised if it amounted to more than 2 weeks (they live 200 miles away). When they visit us in oz they'll probably come over for a month. I'm hoping that given time they will all get used to the idea and accept that at the end of the day its OUR decision and no-one elses.
Petra
Jolyn you have a point too about jealousy, I think given the opportunity my brother would jump at the chance of emigrating. But of course he would NEVER admit to that. Unfortunately he's the sort of bloke that feels his opinion is the ONLY opinion, he's very black and white.
I've decided now that no amount of emotional blackmail is going to stop me and my family from leading our lives the way and where we choose. I think if I allowed my parents or my brother to stop us from going to oz then the resentment I would feel towards them may just ruin our relationship forever. I appreciate that its upsetting for my parents as we're taking 3 of their grandchildren to the other side of the world, but if I added up the amount of days we've seen my parents this year I would be suprised if it amounted to more than 2 weeks (they live 200 miles away). When they visit us in oz they'll probably come over for a month. I'm hoping that given time they will all get used to the idea and accept that at the end of the day its OUR decision and no-one elses.
Petra
Oct 5th 2003, 8:24 am
#39
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Joined: Sep 2003
Location: Brisbane
Posts: 977
Originally posted by Tazzy
Thanks for the advice, though a little conflicting.
I'll not make any quick decsions just yet, things seem to be changing by the day!
Tazzy
Thanks for the advice, though a little conflicting.
I'll not make any quick decsions just yet, things seem to be changing by the day!
Tazzy
I havnt posted to you before, but my advice would be for you to do two main things:
1) Make sure you are deciding based on what is best for you
2) Dont burn any bridges in the UK
Still commit yourself to go, and therefore I think applying for PR is the way to go. Selling or renting your property in the UK depends on how much you need the capital etc, it can be done and makes no diff to your commitment to Oz. Youll probably need a few months to suss out suburbs etc b4 you buy in Oz in any case.
Impress on your folks that if it doesnt work out you will come back, thats not to say you need to commit yourself less than 100% But dont burn your bridges by saying you will do as you want etc...Also, they may be able to retire in Aus, or you may be able to sponsor them to go to Oz.
You can still do your own thing and leave the option open to return if things dont work out. That is a good way to look at it for anyone, not only if youre having strife with your parents.
My wife is also an only child, and to be honest i think my mother still expects we will come back. Once your gone, your parents may well adjust better than they anticipated, no need to spoil your relationship if you can avoid it.
Dont be too hard on them, but dont let them affect your decision to go.
Good luck
Oct 5th 2003, 8:36 am
#40
Forum Regular
Joined: Jul 2003
Location: Manly West, east of Brisbane
Posts: 236
hi-off to oz myself with hubby and 4 kids hopefully in next few weeks.myparents look on this as a great opportunity for US and KIDS.they say that you can't live your life for your parents because if your'e waiting for them to die while you are there then it may be too late.if my parents live for another 20 years i would be 57 which is a little old to be thinking of going.you don't have to look at it as a long term thing,we have always said that if either of us hate it or the kids hate it then we will come back to uk.do what you want and if your parents don't like it then they haven't got your best interests at heart.hope you make the right decision for YOU. regards karen
Oct 5th 2003, 8:40 am
#41
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Thread Starter
Joined: Sep 2003
Location: Bolton
Posts: 174
Thanks everyone for the advice.
I've been talking it through with hubby and the better option for us is to sell up and make the move.
As people have said, "its what best for you", and selling the house will give us that extra money for us to move freely round Oz if Adelaide doesn't work out with jobs etc.
What's best for mum and dad, would be to rent out our house, ( or not go at all),as people have said, it gives them that little bit of hope that we might come back. But that might give them false expectations and ones that we might not live up to.
However, as you all know this visa takes many moths to come through, so hopefully in that time they may just see things from our point of view.
Can I just add to all those who are going through similar disagreements, good luck and best wishes to you all, my heart goes out to you.
Thanks again for all the help and advice, from both sides of the world!!!
Tazzy
I've been talking it through with hubby and the better option for us is to sell up and make the move.
As people have said, "its what best for you", and selling the house will give us that extra money for us to move freely round Oz if Adelaide doesn't work out with jobs etc.
What's best for mum and dad, would be to rent out our house, ( or not go at all),as people have said, it gives them that little bit of hope that we might come back. But that might give them false expectations and ones that we might not live up to.
However, as you all know this visa takes many moths to come through, so hopefully in that time they may just see things from our point of view.
Can I just add to all those who are going through similar disagreements, good luck and best wishes to you all, my heart goes out to you.
Thanks again for all the help and advice, from both sides of the world!!!
Tazzy
Oct 5th 2003, 4:21 pm
#42
Forum Regular
Joined: Jul 2002
Location: adelaide
Posts: 216
Tazzy, I'm all for a little white lie if its done to save someone hurt or worry. With that in mind, when you come to sell your house prior to emigrating, why not give your parents the line 'we are selling the house now because no matter what happens we want to move. If we come back after a year we'll simply buy a bigger/smaller/different house." Just a thought. adelaidegirl
Oct 6th 2003, 10:10 pm
#43
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Aug 2003
Location: Cheshire
Posts: 309
Re: Do I compromise?
Hi Tazzy
I hardly think it's worth me posting as you've had yet another huge response, but I may as well put my opinion in!
We too thought about renting the house out for a year. Still a bit unsure, but I think the first year will be the hardest and it would be too easy to come back home when the going got tough. I think a few years would be more practical. I also think that once we've sold up and left, there will be no going back and I'm sure if we all make a really determined effort, it will be great. Also, I can't be bothered with the complications of renting out and then having to sell. We're planning on renting when we get there anyway, to check out the areas and also because I have been advised as house prices are so expensive at the mo in Melbourne.
The downside, I suppose is that if we do want to come back, we may not be able to afford what we had here as the house prices just keep going up and up, but I try and be positive and think that if the worse thing was to happen and we did come back, at least we'll have tried it and learnt a valuable lesson.
Correct me if I'm wrong somebody, but I thought on the 1 year working visa, you could only work 3 months of the year?
I think you should just be honest with your parents, maybe write them a letter, telling them how you love them etc but this is what you want to do, and that you realise it might not work out, but it's something you are just wanting to try. My parents kind of understand, but we've not even got a visa yet, so I'm not even going to worry about it now until we've got it.
Anyway good luck Tazzy
Noodle.x
I hardly think it's worth me posting as you've had yet another huge response, but I may as well put my opinion in!
We too thought about renting the house out for a year. Still a bit unsure, but I think the first year will be the hardest and it would be too easy to come back home when the going got tough. I think a few years would be more practical. I also think that once we've sold up and left, there will be no going back and I'm sure if we all make a really determined effort, it will be great. Also, I can't be bothered with the complications of renting out and then having to sell. We're planning on renting when we get there anyway, to check out the areas and also because I have been advised as house prices are so expensive at the mo in Melbourne.
The downside, I suppose is that if we do want to come back, we may not be able to afford what we had here as the house prices just keep going up and up, but I try and be positive and think that if the worse thing was to happen and we did come back, at least we'll have tried it and learnt a valuable lesson.
Correct me if I'm wrong somebody, but I thought on the 1 year working visa, you could only work 3 months of the year?
I think you should just be honest with your parents, maybe write them a letter, telling them how you love them etc but this is what you want to do, and that you realise it might not work out, but it's something you are just wanting to try. My parents kind of understand, but we've not even got a visa yet, so I'm not even going to worry about it now until we've got it.
Anyway good luck Tazzy
Noodle.x
