nicky s

I`m new to this site and stumbled across it by accident today. I am from U.K but have been living in Sydney for 8 years now, originally on 1 year working visa but fell so in love with the place that I stayed. I am a nurse and got residency and citizenship easily. I`ve been through all the hardships of leaving family etc..my Mum has only just accepted me living in Sydney. I visit every year to see family.
My Mum has recently been diagnosed with dementia. She isn`t alone, is with my step-father and she is still working at present, the illness is in very early stages. I have had a very hard time dealing with this and the guilt i feel is huge because I live so far away. I have not considered moving back to the U.K before as i love my life in Sydney, i am also an only child. I am visiting the u.k at the moment and am so confused. It`s nice weather here and i keep thinking that maybe I could make a go of things here but I have no idea what it`s like to live here anymore. It could be the worst thing I ever do and i`m probably forgetting the reasons why i left in the 1st place...i just don`t know what to do. I love Oz but am torn now with family issues. I do know though that i have a right to a life of my own..i`m so confused.
Any advice...? What is it like living in the U.K now?
Nicky

lynnj

Nicky

How awful for you, but i dont think you have a decision to make now, your life, a life you enjoy by the sounds of it is in Sydney, i dont know much about your mums illness but i can imagine it is not a nice thing to have to watch progress and would she really want you to change your life so drastically for her.

We are probably not the best people to ask for reasons to stay here as we are all leaving, you are the one who has to live with your decision, do whats right for you not anyone else.

Good Luck

Lynn

Carrianne

This is a tough one, I do love living over here and not moving beacuse x y z of the UK at all, the traffic up here is fine, scenery is gorgeous, air clean etc etc. I am leaving because we can and life is to be embraced. So didi you leave for reasons ?

I don't think you will find coming back a struggle at all, the uk is a great place to live, but is this where you want to be in your heart ? If your mum has some one to look after her then she is lucky already. Is it that you feel obliged to be with her ?

It is tough but can you not go back to Sydney and come back maybe twice a year rather than once ?

karawara88

Its so easy to fit back into UK life, I dont think it matters how long you go away its always familiar and has that taste of home. Being away from UK makes you appreciate some things that were taken for granted. But from your post it sounds to me like your heart is in Sydney and as difficult as it is you have to do whats right for you.

Stay in the UK if its what you want to do, not out of a sense of loyalty family duty etc. I dont mean that to sound harsh. Sorry about your Mum though, its very hard watching someone suffering from dementure.

earlswood

This may sound really harsh but this country is going to rack and ruin and quite honestly the quicker we can get out the better.

Sorry about your mom. My mom always said to me - "live your life for you and not your parents". Hence the reason we are tring to move to Oz and also give the kids a better quality of life.

Follow your heart - it will be right whatever you choose to do.

Earlswood

tiredwithtwins

Nicky,
surely you would be able to come and go to the uk/oz without any problems? dementia is a long term condition (but you know that, why am I telling you!?) if you visit regularly and decided to return to the uk, then decide to return to oz, I think you can get a resident return visa if you have been away from oz for a certain amount of time - check on the immigration website for the time limit.
good luck with whatever you decide, it must be very hard for you.
Sue

yafm

Nicky God bless you It is a difficult decision to make but remember the world is small and getting smaller you can always visit Uk and as unhappily your mother gets worse she will not know you are not with her. Sadly I know from experience that the Mother you lose is not the mother who dies necessarily you may lose them twice but your life is for living.

Good luck

sky

Do you mean Alzeimers ... sorry for the spelling ... I am sorry you are going through this. My Nana died from alzeimers and it took a long 15yrs. Silly things at first like thinking a Robin on a Christmas card was a fictional charactor and then her beautiful handwriting becoming more and more childish. eventually she didnt recognize my children and then me, I was so upset everytime I visited her and stopped my visits in the end... It was less traumatic for her not to see me. I would say to you it is only you who will know what is right for yourself.... dont sacrifice your future though. I think it is always hardest for a person to experience another persons illness than to actually be ill themselves.You can still be there for your mum even if you live in another country

rumbletum

Hi Nicky
You must be going through hell at the moment. I really dont know what to say to you except that, whatever you decide to do now, if it doesnt feel right for you, then you can change it. If your mum is in the early stages of dementia, then she may be quite well for a few years and be able to manage without much support.
Everyone wants to be there for their parents and wants their parents to be there for them, but would your mum want you to sacrifice your life, to care for her full time anyway. I know my mum would never want me to do that. You must live your life for yourself, however selfish that may sound. LIke you said, you are fortunate enough to get back every year, perhaps you could stay for longer periods when you come back on holiday..
Heather

whisky

I agree with rumbletum.
If she is in the early stages, you really don't need to decide yet, but I don't think your Mother would want you to give up your life to take care of her.
Good luck in your decision.

Whisky

weefi

Hi Nicky,
You're experiencing one of the huge dilemmas I thought about before deciding to move to Aus.What would I do if something happened to one of my family? All my family are in the UK and I felt incredibly guilty about wanting to start a new life so far away from them.I'm a nurse too and have done some hard thinking since returning to the UK after 2 years down-under.It's fab spending time with my family but the pull I felt for Aus was stronger.
How about keeping a close eye on your mums condition from Sydney and when things start to deteriorate further consider moving home for an extended time so you can spend quality time with her.It's a horrible position to be in and I know I'd want to make the most of the time when she can recognise you and after all Sydney isn't going anywhere!
Take care and love to all your family.
Fi

nicky s

thankyou so much for all the replies. It`s good to get other peoples advice/input. I`ve been struggling with this for some time and i think it`s hard for people to understand unless they have been through the process or have that urge to move overseas and start a new life...now I feel as though I have found people who I can relate to...i`m glad I found this site.

stotty

First off, my sympathies for your situation. Like other people have said, it's your life and it sounds like its in Sydney. I fully understand the emotional pull that relatives and illness can have on a person. Situations like this usually bring out feelings of guilt/selfishness etc. However, realistically there's probably very little that will be changed by your returning to the UK. The only purpose that will serve is that you may find it easier to deal with any guilt that you have.

Before you make any decision, try writing a list of all the emotions that you have at the moment relating to this issue. Are they all valid? Can you resolve some of them by talking to people? Can you rationalise any? Have you talked to your parents (that's usually where any negative feelings are rooted)? Do they feel strongly either way about you returning to the UK? Would it make any difference to your current attitude if they said "Hey, stay where you are and get on with your life!"?

The bottom line is that you have to do whatever you feel the need to do - whatever gives you peace of mind. If that means coming back to the UK then, logical or rational or not, do it. If you've got citizenship then you should have no problems coming and going between the UK and Oz.

Hope this helps and good luck with your decision,

Steve.

nicky s

thanks steve for such wonderful advice. I have decided for now to return to Oz in 2 weeks and try to get on with my life there. The guilt i feel is the main problem and writing down my emotions is a good idea so i will do that. My Mum has always wanted me to come back to the U.k and has always put pressure on me to do so..that`s never going to change.
once again thankyou..Nicky

HUP

Hi Nicky I can fully sympathise to your dilema. I have a simillar problem. My mother was diagnosed with MS last year. We were already well into the process of applying when the bombshell struck. Thankfully at present she appears to have the remissive type as opposed to the progressive type. I have speant a lot of time thinking over this. My mother was a hospice nurse and has speant a lot of time with sick people and about 4 years ago decided to follow her dream of moving to Cornwall. As a result we only see her 3 or 4 times a year, but speak to her every week. She is very much of the opinion that life is short and you should live your life for yourself as you do not know what is round the corner.

We plan to always have enough money in the bank so that I can fly home should the need arise. I know it is going to be hard but as things are I would always be 6-7 hours drive from her anyway (We couldn't live in Cornwall) and when it comes down to it I know if she needs me I can get back in a couple of days. Also she will be out to see us and will spend several weeks out there with us so hopefully we will spend as much time with her as we would in this country.