Brian & Lou

Hi All,

Just thought I'd add my experiences on this. I first had postnatal depression after the birth of my second son, partly due to my husband being away for six months (I was alone with only a midwife for company when I gave birth) and having a HUGE argument with my Mum afterwards, so that we didn't speak for over a year, and partly just because. I got so bad that I found sleeping hard, lying there thinking of ways to kill myself instead. I would plan all sorts of ways but was put off by the stress it would cause whoever found me. I shouted constantly at the kids and Brian, when he finally got home, and I wouldn't have blamed him if he walked out on me te way I treated him. I am ashamed to say that I started smacking my older son, who was only just two at the time, and although I did all that was required with the kids I never spent any time playing or talking to them. I hated going out, would hide if anyone came to the door, and certainly lost all interest in looking after my appearance. I cried a lot too. It took a phone call from a friend to tell me about her diagnosis of depression to send me into a massive crying fit as I realised that her description of it was exactly how I was feeling. Worst part was that when I went to the doctors and got referred to the Health Visitor (baby was a year old by now) she told me that she had though I had depression all along. :scared: Anyway, after taking anti depressants for a while I was fine and had my third child no problem. However, when I had my fourth I started down the same old path but luckily recognised it much sooner and got help straight away. He is now three and despite trying a number of times to come off the tablets, I am still taking a small dose. My last attempt was at Easter but my moods became horrendous and I cried a lot, so have had to start them up again. I don't mind taking them as they have given me my life back - I enjoy my family again and play, laugh and joke with them in a way I just couldn't before.

I believe there is a lot of stigma attached to depression and I am wary of who I tell that I have it as their attitudes can be awful. So many people just tell you that its a state of mind and to pull yourself together that I now tend not to tell anyone - even my Mum sees it as a taboo subject as she is one of the 'pull yourself together' folks. I still suffer a mild form of panic attack from time to time where social situations fill me full of dread, but generally cope fine. The last one was when we went to a valentines evening. I walked into the room full of people and felt myself start to shake. I tried so hard to talk to people and downed three drinks in quick succession to give myself 'dutch courage' but still ended up telling everyone (including Brian) that I was going to the loo and just went home instead!! (He was NOT impressed!!) I cried on the babysitters shoulder for an hour!!:scared:

Anyway, I am waffling, but I want to say that this is a fascinating post and its good to hear that others out there have had similar expeiences so THANKS for the post!

Lou

MarkMyWords

Aaargh, Lou, much of what you wrote sounds horribly familiar (apart from the post-natal bit... obviously!).

It's funny, though, much has been written in this thread about the stigma and negative reception, and yet I've never felt any stigma and perhaps more pertinently, nobody here has posted any negative comment. Can it be that they fear the backlash? Can it be that the stigma has swung the other way, and that it is now no longer acceptable to mock the afflicted? Let's hope so!

Grayling

Mark
I was going to say that about negatives myself but did not want to tempt fate.

Best wishes

G

MarkMyWords

Fate? I laugh in the face of fate. (Then I run away and hide.)

Sandra

My first two years here in Aus, I just knew I didn't want to slide backwards but the overwhelming feeling of not being happy was a nightmare...how the hell did I cope now????

I first suffered severe depression in my late teens, getting worse in my very early twentys including panic attacks of the worst sorts - being in a coffee shop alone and having to get a waitress to phone a friend cause I was stuck to my seat crying, knowing I could not move my legs. Once I didn't think about the people who I left behind, I am not sorry to be alive but I know at the time I wanted it to end.

After five internal traumatic yrs I found a wonderful counsellor and learnt a lot - like I wasn't mad, I could learn to cope and I should learn to talk about things.

I met and married a wonderful man and we had a wonderful life in England, but life moves on and he sort of wanted different so Aus it was, and I would do anything to give him his dream. So there I was all bravado and bluster outside and shitting myself inside about coming here.

How would I cope, I knew the early signs most times and had my network of support (Self referral counsellor etc) BUT would IT come back and would I know how to deal with the early signs and get help like I had built up in my England comfort zone?

------------- well the first year was shit and wonderful, I went up and down like a yo yo and took my husband with me! (Never the kids). I cried I laughed I panicked I remained calm on the outside and died inside. I talked and talked and got my feelings wrong sometimes and right others. I am now getting to grips, I am sorry to say I have not found a self help or self referral group here yet and I need one many times.

This thread has made me realise that although I am coping now I need to ease off my husband and get back on track myself and I will look for that group - any ideas?

---------------coping with migration is one hell of a ride - coping with migration and worrying about depression is the pits, but I at least had one level of support, don't do it alone, chat on here maybe, at least it makes us all smile at least once when the shitty things happen and we think "yes that was me too"

Thank you all for sharing your lives on this thread.......I am not mad and I know I am not alone and it means alot.

ta Sandra

Bordy

Excellant post Sandra, good luck in controlling it even if you never beat it.

steandleigh

Good one G,

valid and valuable advice - you cannot escape what is in your own head.

for those of us who are lucky enough - lets try to keep the positivity we posess and for those less fortunate - may you find your own way and happiness.

JoB

Hi all,

I too suffered with Post natal depression after my first born.
The typical scenario everything had to be perfect even ironing her vests when it was past midnight..............and my midwife also told me she thought I had depression too, after I had been to the doctor, you'd think they would tell you wouldn't you.

Anyway, now I suffer with crippling migraines, I get approximatley 3 a month which can take me out for 1-3 days. Not good on the work front.
Last year I was prescribed antidepressants, I was a bit reluctant at first after having had them 7 years previously, (I had tried beta blockers etc but no result), but have got to say they are the ONLY thing to cure my migraines.
I came off them late last eyar but am back on them as the migraines have returned.I wondered if this chemical imbalance thingy could be causing my migraines??

Just a thought.
Anyway depression is something you should not be afraid of or admitting to.

Good luck to all who suffer and I am sure there are probably many more undiagnosed.

Jo B

anya4oz

IME, working in the US, the stigma went the other way: I was made to feel quite 'left out' when it was seen that I was the only member of my team who *didn't* take 2-3 sessions out of work time each week to go for therapy. They all wondered why I didn't feel the need to get help for my 'condition'; but, as I didn't suffer from depression, or even feel especially fed up (I loved living out there) it seemed unnecessary to me! In the US then, therapy was a trendy thing to do, rather than a medical treatment.

Meanwhile, working in the UK I have been very pleased to find very little discrimmination against depressed colleagues in recent years. Even the cut-throat big banks I have worked for have taken a sympathetic line with people. While I would like to think this is the new kindly face of the big corporates, I'm sure it's more that they worry that a really depressed person's family might try to sue them, claiming the depression is a result of work.

Whereas, despite the family-friendly UK employment laws, pregnant women are still fair game - in the last 2 years, 3 of my girlfriends have been sacked/made redundant for being pregnant, 2 of them in quite senior jobs, too!

So on balance, the UK workplace looks better for depressed people , worse for mothers-to-be....

Anya.

treefrog

Thanks Graham. I agree, this is a great thread. It's nice to be able to discuss things like this that you can't always talk about to friends or family, and reassuring to hear that others have experienced the same things. In fact, depression seems to be more common than I'd thought!

I had CBT when I had the stress breakdown - I think it saved my life. At first I thought "How can just talking about it help me? It can't change the events I'm having to cope with." But it changes the way you think about those events and teaches you coping skills. My sessions reduced my suicidal episodes from about 4 x a week to once every 6 weeks, and I learnt strategies for dealing with them when they arose - because I knew I didn't really want to die, I just wanted relief from the stress I was under.

finsbury

Sandra

I have some friends in Australia who are psychologists and I'll ask them about self-help groups. It took a lot of balls to write what you did. And no, you aren't mad and no, you aren't alone. I'll see what I can find out and get back to you. It might take a day or two though.

glhall

When I was feeling bad(I still dont like saying 'depressed' because it sounds like an excuse for being weak) I felt very lonely. I didnt want to talk to anyone about it (embarrassed) and felt like a weak minded wimp. I hated the dawn and wanted the night to last forever because sleep was peace. Im 49 and never thought it could happen to me. But thats life - takes you by surprise sometimes - for the worse at times. I appreciate everyones posts on this thread. I feel a kinship i suppose with other sufferers because its someting you cant explain, illustrate or empathise with - it has to be experienced to know what its like - not to minimise any advice given on the thread - its been fantastic.

I think all of us would agree - its good to know there are other expats out there who have the same hopes for the future but who have been through or are going through a horrible experience . I would love to meet up with you in the Brissie area this year sometime. I have come right now but the experience is still fresh so we'll see how things go. Im not a weak person by nature but hey - no ones indestructable I know that now. all the best to everyone.

Graham

cadabra

Graham

I uses to be the worlds worst control freaks, had to put on a tough exterior (sometimes too tough as a female). I could never show a crack or weakness in my persona. This was probaly due to a series of catasrophic events and traumas in my life which i wont bore you with, but it moulded my behaviour.

Of course, after many years of doing this, my world crashed down around me when i had what used to be termed "a breakdown". I spent a couple of short periods in hospital and many many months of therapy.
Unlike some people here, i found emmigrating a wonderful experience. I finally shook off the emotional baggage and set myself free.
I will not pretend all this was easy as it wasn't, and i still have bouts of "downness" as i call it.

One thing i am sure of, i am really glad it happened to me now!! My whole outlook on life and the way i see others is totally different.
My fears and emotional insecurities had made me one of those bullies i mentioned earlier in this thread. Nowadays i see this behaviour in others for what it really is.
I often see people who behave this way, including quite a few posters in this forum, and i cant help but think one day their day will come. I do not wish bad things on anyone, and certainly not the pain and suffering of mental illness.
I am just very thankful i do not need to be that way anymore.

If someone feels you, or anyone else who suffers this, is a whimp or a weirdo, please remember there are planty of us "normal" people out there who have gone through the same things you have and come out the other side a far better person.

treefrog

Graham, I know how you feel - I was angry with myself for 'allowing' the things in my life to happen that led to my depression. The thing is, they were NOT all avoidable. Depression is not 'weakness', however you may feel about it at the time. It is an illness, like cancer. Do people who get cancer regard themselves as 'wimps'? Depression is an illness that can devestate a person's life or even kill, and it needs to be treated as such. Maybe people who haven't suffered from it can't understand that, but you don't need to agree with them!

Depression is a horrible experience, but if you have to go through it, perhaps it can in some way enrich your life - if only because you now have more compassion and understanding for those who suffer. As someone has already said, there's no way anyone can understand depression unless they've had it. Forgive yourself and realise that, far from being a weak person, you have had the strength to survive this terrible illness!

I admire all of us who have had the grace and courage to share our experiences, and I wish you and all the other contributors to this forum all the best for their future lives.

MrsDagboy

One really small point after reading everyones descriptions of what it feels like - I felt the same last year, could hardly get out of bed in the morning, felt like I had "brain-fog", tired & exhausted, sometimes irrational, couldnt motivate myself, felt hopeless, no self confidence, was indecisive, irritable & suffered huge mood swings & burst into tears for no reason. My memory & concentration were completely shot, I would lose track of what I was saying in the middle of sentences & would go blank when I was trying to think of a word and I would wake up in the middle of the night with insomnia. I was also having physical symptoms like heart palpitations, pains in the chest, pains in my arm & just generally felt "funny" (thats exactly the explaination I gave the doctor, I feel funny LOL) . I was an absolute wreck & was convinced I was going to die, I felt so bad. I went to the doctor who promptly told me I was depressed, stressed & was having panic attacks, explained to me that I had to relax & would probably have to take anti-depressants. He sent me off for some tests & it was only as I was (literally!) walking out the door & that I mentioned 1 other symptom (that I had gained weight), that he took back the pathology form & added another test to it.

Lo & behold, that last test comes back off the chart, I have Hashimotos disease, which causes hypothyroidism. One simple hormone missing in the body can cause that much pain & suffering :scared: .

If you are having a problem Alborg (or anyone else!), PLEASE go & see a doctor about it. Just trying to make people aware that sometimes it can be something else other than depression as well. Women in their late 30s, 40s & older are particularly at risk, a TSH (thyroid stimulating hormone) test is so simple to do, its worth asking your doctor to do one if you are having feelings like this (& any physical symptoms as well), particularly if its getting worse & you are in an at risk category. Whether its depression or something else, its so much better when you can face the day & you get at least part of your life back.