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A Definitive Guide To Aussies

A Definitive Guide To Aussies

Old Oct 18th 2004, 11:50 am
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Exclamation A Definitive Guide To Aussies

1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.

2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.

3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.

4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.

5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.

6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.

7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate.

8. All our best heroes are losers.

9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.

10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.

11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of Australian footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.

12. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".

13. Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names.

14. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to the mosquitoes.

15. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.

16. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool.

17. It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.

18. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.

19. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have catered for it).

20. If there is any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.

21. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying.

22. Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.

23. The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.

24. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.

25. When on a country holiday, the neon sign advertising the motel's pool will always be slightly larger than the pool itself.

26. The men are tough, but the women are tougher.

27. The chief test of manhood is one's ability to install a beach umbrella in high winds.

28. Australians love new technology. Years after their introduction, most conversations on mobile phones are principally about the fact that the call is "being made on my mobile".

29. There comes a time in every Australian's life when he/she realises that the Aerogard is worse than the flies.

30. And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No-one EVER says "cobber" to anyone ... EVER! (Although a lot of Wogs say it to make fun of us Skips.) They also don't have the bit about the true test for immigration to Australia. They give potential new Aussies the following test: Mow a sloping lawn (at least 20 degree angle) in a pair of thongs holding a VB while watching the cricket. If you can't pass that chances are you will never be able to pass yourself off as a true Aussie.
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Old Oct 18th 2004, 12:16 pm
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Default Re: A Definitive Guide To Aussies

Controversial, and a tad stereotypical :-)


Originally Posted by ProofReader
1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.

2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.

3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.

4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.

5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.

6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.

7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate.

8. All our best heroes are losers.

9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.

10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.

11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of Australian footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.

12. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".

13. Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names.

14. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to the mosquitoes.

15. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.

16. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool.

17. It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.

18. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.

19. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have catered for it).

20. If there is any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.

21. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying.

22. Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.

23. The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.

24. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.

25. When on a country holiday, the neon sign advertising the motel's pool will always be slightly larger than the pool itself.

26. The men are tough, but the women are tougher.

27. The chief test of manhood is one's ability to install a beach umbrella in high winds.

28. Australians love new technology. Years after their introduction, most conversations on mobile phones are principally about the fact that the call is "being made on my mobile".

29. There comes a time in every Australian's life when he/she realises that the Aerogard is worse than the flies.

30. And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No-one EVER says "cobber" to anyone ... EVER! (Although a lot of Wogs say it to make fun of us Skips.) They also don't have the bit about the true test for immigration to Australia. They give potential new Aussies the following test: Mow a sloping lawn (at least 20 degree angle) in a pair of thongs holding a VB while watching the cricket. If you can't pass that chances are you will never be able to pass yourself off as a true Aussie.
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Old Oct 18th 2004, 1:36 pm
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Default Re: A Definitive Guide To Aussies

Originally Posted by stevereed
Controversial, and a tad stereotypical :-)
I think you will find proofreader was being ironic
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Old Oct 18th 2004, 1:38 pm
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Default Re: A Definitive Guide To Aussies

I did think that, hence my smiley face :-)


Originally Posted by moneypen20
I think you will find proofreader was being ironic
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Old Oct 18th 2004, 1:39 pm
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Default Re: A Definitive Guide To Aussies

Originally Posted by stevereed
Controversial, and a tad stereotypical :-)

Nahhhhhh...Its a giggle!! Most Aussies would probably agree with most of those points....Number 21 brings back many childhood memories....If you wanna know how much you can fit in the back of a Falcon stationwagon for a picnic, I'm the girl!!!
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Old Oct 18th 2004, 4:34 pm
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Default Re: A Definitive Guide To Aussies

Very good - gave me such a laugh - and I am an Aussie.
Love the bit about the thiefs not yet working out that we all hide keys & money in sandshoes!!!! he he he he how true
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Old Oct 18th 2004, 5:14 pm
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Default Re: A Definitive Guide To Aussies

Very amusing!! Gave me a giggle.

D D
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Old Oct 18th 2004, 6:30 pm
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Default Re: A Definitive Guide To Aussies

First came across this 4 years ago shortly before I first went to Australia. Love the only ethnics and poms sit on their front porch bit. True - never seen anyone sit out front.

Love the Falcon bit hels

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Old Oct 18th 2004, 7:43 pm
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Default Re: A Definitive Guide To Aussies

Originally Posted by jubri
Very good - gave me such a laugh - and I am an Aussie.
Love the bit about the thiefs not yet working out that we all hide keys & money in sandshoes!!!! he he he he how true
This made me giggle as there is a similar thing here. We have a betterwear catalogue delivered that sells 'useful' household aticles. One of them is a plastic container made to look like a stone which you can place outside your house and keep a spare set of keys in. LOL If I was a thief I would be driving around looking for these 'stones'. Everyone round here gets the catalogue so it's hardly a secret.
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Old Oct 18th 2004, 7:57 pm
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Default Re: A Definitive Guide To Aussies

Very funny,the wife was nodding her head at number 26


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Old Oct 18th 2004, 10:58 pm
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Thumbs up Re: A Definitive Guide To Aussies

Originally Posted by stevereed
Controversial, and a tad stereotypical :-)
... just in case someone didn't realise it?! Thanks for that, stevereed!

Yes, it's both of those, so I suppose I should have included a warning about it being non-PC. On the other hand, I, for one, am heartily sick of political correctness and believe in the good, old-fashioned ability to laugh at oneself!

I'm glad that it brought a smile to most people's faces! There seems to be a healthy collection of senses of humour around here!!

Cheers,
PR

PS Moneypen, thanks for the vote of confidence and your correct interpretation of events.

PPS Before anyone else says anything, I'm very proudly Australian.

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Old Oct 18th 2004, 11:06 pm
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6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.


l always hide my wallet and car keys in my shoes when l go swimming at the beach, but the reason thieves don't look in there is because of our bad foot
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Old Oct 18th 2004, 11:32 pm
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Default Re: A Definitive Guide To Aussies

I think you'd have to have had a sense of humour bypass not to find some of that very funny as it is great observational humour!

Thank God most Aussies share the British sense of self-parody! It makes for an altogether better transition to a new life there if you can share a joke with a least some of your new compatriots. Good on yer mate!
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Old Oct 18th 2004, 11:37 pm
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Default Re: A Definitive Guide To Aussies

Why do Australians wear thongs?
Because we are not intelligent enough to do up shoe laces.
 

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