A decent Aussie joke?
Mar 17th 2004, 11:13 pm
#1
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Thread Starter
Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 454
A decent Aussie joke?
Anyone know any? We need a bit of light relief!
Here's my offering:
A small weatherboard church in North Queensland needed repainting. Tenders were requested and naturally the cheapest got the job. The two blokes who's tender was accepted realised that they had under-estimated the cost of the job. But as they were using a water based paint they managed to cover the church by thinning the paint down.
"Once it's dry," they laughed "the congregation will never know the difference!"
When the paintwork was complete, they stepped back to admire their work; it was good. Suddenly, a tropical downpour started and when it had passed the church was a streaky mess."
"Oh God!" They yelled, "Now what do we do?"
There was a flash of lightning and a booming voice from the clouds thundered, "REPAINT, YOU THINNERS"
Okay, it's a bit weak(!) but anyone got any better?
The challenge is on....
sandy
Here's my offering:
A small weatherboard church in North Queensland needed repainting. Tenders were requested and naturally the cheapest got the job. The two blokes who's tender was accepted realised that they had under-estimated the cost of the job. But as they were using a water based paint they managed to cover the church by thinning the paint down.
"Once it's dry," they laughed "the congregation will never know the difference!"
When the paintwork was complete, they stepped back to admire their work; it was good. Suddenly, a tropical downpour started and when it had passed the church was a streaky mess."
"Oh God!" They yelled, "Now what do we do?"
There was a flash of lightning and a booming voice from the clouds thundered, "REPAINT, YOU THINNERS"
Okay, it's a bit weak(!) but anyone got any better?
The challenge is on....
sandy
Mar 18th 2004, 12:09 am
#2
da Bonehead
Joined: Jan 2004
Location: Lion in da jungle
Posts: 22,767
Re: A decent Aussie joke?
Upset turkey in a field.
Bull "whats the matter"
Turkey "I want to fly up to that branch but cannot find the energy"
Bull "you need to eat my droppings"
The turkey ate some droppings and low and behold managed to fly up to the branch.
Next day he ate some more droppings and managed to fly up to the second branch.
On the third day he ate lots of droppings and succeeded in flying right up to the very top of the tree.
BANG
The farmer came along and shot the turkey.
Moral of story: Bullshit can get you to the top of the tree but it cannot keep you there.
Bull "whats the matter"
Turkey "I want to fly up to that branch but cannot find the energy"
Bull "you need to eat my droppings"
The turkey ate some droppings and low and behold managed to fly up to the branch.
Next day he ate some more droppings and managed to fly up to the second branch.
On the third day he ate lots of droppings and succeeded in flying right up to the very top of the tree.
BANG
The farmer came along and shot the turkey.
Moral of story: Bullshit can get you to the top of the tree but it cannot keep you there.
Mar 18th 2004, 1:42 am
#3
I like kittens.
Joined: Oct 2003
Location: In my own little world
Posts: 1,457
Here's a couple....
A mountain woman from Arkansas went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen.
When she got home she asked her husband, "What is a specimen?"
He replied. "Darn if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse."
The woman went next door and came back in about twenty minutes with her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face and body.
"What in the world happened?"asked her husband.
"Darned if I know," she replies. "I asked Edith what a specimen was and she told me to go piss in a bottle. I told her to go fart in a jug and then all hell broke loose.
**********
An American tourist in London found himself needing to go to the bathroom something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up.
"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.
"I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta go."
"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."
The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass,
pretty flowers, and manicured hedges.
"Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."
The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started urinating on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?"
"No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."
When she got home she asked her husband, "What is a specimen?"
He replied. "Darn if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse."
The woman went next door and came back in about twenty minutes with her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face and body.
"What in the world happened?"asked her husband.
"Darned if I know," she replies. "I asked Edith what a specimen was and she told me to go piss in a bottle. I told her to go fart in a jug and then all hell broke loose.
**********
An American tourist in London found himself needing to go to the bathroom something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't find any public bathroom to relieve himself. So he went down one of the side streets to take care of business. Just as he was unzipping, a London police officer showed up.
"Look here, old chap, what are you doing?" the officer asked.
"I'm sorry," the American replied, but I really gotta go."
"You can't do that here," the officer told him. "Look, follow me."
The police officer led him to a beautiful garden with lots of grass,
pretty flowers, and manicured hedges.
"Here," said the policeman, "whiz away."
The American tourist shrugged, turned, unzipped, and started urinating on the flowers. "Ahhh," he said in relief. Then turning toward the officer, he said, "This is very nice of you. Is this British courtesy?"
"No," retorted the policeman. "It's the French Embassy."
Mar 18th 2004, 5:41 am
#4
Forum Regular
Joined: Jul 2003
Location: ...somewhere in ME,OZ within a year.
Posts: 111
Good Definitions . . . . . . .
Cigarette : A pinch rolled in paper with fire at one end and fool on the other.
Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.
Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and the woman gains her master.
Divorce : Future tense of marriage.
College : A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing.
Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power...
Dictionary : The only place where divorce comes before marriage .
Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
Classic : books which people praise, but do not read.
Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Opportunist : A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
Pessimist : A person who says that O is the last letter in RO, Instead of the first letters in word OPPORTUNITY.
Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Father : A banker provided by nature.
Criminal : A guy no different from the rest.. except that he got caught.
Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Cigarette : A pinch rolled in paper with fire at one end and fool on the other.
Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.
Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and the woman gains her master.
Divorce : Future tense of marriage.
College : A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing.
Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power...
Dictionary : The only place where divorce comes before marriage .
Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
Classic : books which people praise, but do not read.
Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Opportunist : A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
Pessimist : A person who says that O is the last letter in RO, Instead of the first letters in word OPPORTUNITY.
Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Father : A banker provided by nature.
Criminal : A guy no different from the rest.. except that he got caught.
Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
Mar 18th 2004, 6:55 am
#5
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Joined: Jan 2004
Location: Melbourne
Posts: 400
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of
the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me
wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night
at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself.
You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell
asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of
the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me
wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night
at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself.
You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell
asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
Mar 18th 2004, 7:27 am
#6
Forum Regular
Joined: Oct 2002
Location: UK from the sandpit
Posts: 119
In the Outback.....
Mar 18th 2004, 7:28 am
#7
Forum Regular
Joined: Oct 2002
Location: UK from the sandpit
Posts: 119
Hard for an Englishman to fit in?
