Dealing with Guilt of moving to Australia
#1
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Joined: Jan 2021
Location: Melbourne
Posts: 24
Dealing with Guilt of moving to Australia
Dear members:
I am a high earning professional moved to Melbourne 9 months ago, wih my 16 year old boy. My wife is joining me soon, but my elder son (22) has stayed back due to his own job/ further studies. I was hoping that he will be able to move to Aus as well after few years.
I am now increasingly getting filled with guilt about numerous factors, which i will describe as below:
1. It is now increasingly becoming apparant that my elder son is unlikely to move to Aus (he has a good career there and has a girl friend). If he doesn't; I will really miss him, and have already started feeling guilty. Besides, when my moves over here soon, she as a mother will have much more intense such feelings, and I am sure she will make me feel much more guilty about this all ( as i was the main driver for moving to Aus).
2. My younger son (who was very enthusiastic about moving to Aus), has also recently started saying that he misses his brother and friends in the UK and is not feeling happy. He feels sad that he can't see his brother as often as he could have in the UK, and this is increasing my guilt (as resultant stress).
I am definitely better off here in terms of quality of life, work, money and weather, but the above matters are making me question my decision about moving here and I have even started thinking of moving back.
Please advise.
Thanks
Jay
I am a high earning professional moved to Melbourne 9 months ago, wih my 16 year old boy. My wife is joining me soon, but my elder son (22) has stayed back due to his own job/ further studies. I was hoping that he will be able to move to Aus as well after few years.
I am now increasingly getting filled with guilt about numerous factors, which i will describe as below:
1. It is now increasingly becoming apparant that my elder son is unlikely to move to Aus (he has a good career there and has a girl friend). If he doesn't; I will really miss him, and have already started feeling guilty. Besides, when my moves over here soon, she as a mother will have much more intense such feelings, and I am sure she will make me feel much more guilty about this all ( as i was the main driver for moving to Aus).
2. My younger son (who was very enthusiastic about moving to Aus), has also recently started saying that he misses his brother and friends in the UK and is not feeling happy. He feels sad that he can't see his brother as often as he could have in the UK, and this is increasing my guilt (as resultant stress).
I am definitely better off here in terms of quality of life, work, money and weather, but the above matters are making me question my decision about moving here and I have even started thinking of moving back.
Please advise.
Thanks
Jay
#2
Forum Regular
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 116
Re: Dealing with Guilt of moving to Australia
Dear members:
I am a high earning professional moved to Melbourne 9 months ago, wih my 16 year old boy. My wife is joining me soon, but my elder son (22) has stayed back due to his own job/ further studies. I was hoping that he will be able to move to Aus as well after few years.
I am now increasingly getting filled with guilt about numerous factors, which i will describe as below:
1. It is now increasingly becoming apparant that my elder son is unlikely to move to Aus (he has a good career there and has a girl friend). If he doesn't; I will really miss him, and have already started feeling guilty. Besides, when my moves over here soon, she as a mother will have much more intense such feelings, and I am sure she will make me feel much more guilty about this all ( as i was the main driver for moving to Aus).
2. My younger son (who was very enthusiastic about moving to Aus), has also recently started saying that he misses his brother and friends in the UK and is not feeling happy. He feels sad that he can't see his brother as often as he could have in the UK, and this is increasing my guilt (as resultant stress).
I am definitely better off here in terms of quality of life, work, money and weather, but the above matters are making me question my decision about moving here and I have even started thinking of moving back.
Please advise.
Thanks
Jay
I am a high earning professional moved to Melbourne 9 months ago, wih my 16 year old boy. My wife is joining me soon, but my elder son (22) has stayed back due to his own job/ further studies. I was hoping that he will be able to move to Aus as well after few years.
I am now increasingly getting filled with guilt about numerous factors, which i will describe as below:
1. It is now increasingly becoming apparant that my elder son is unlikely to move to Aus (he has a good career there and has a girl friend). If he doesn't; I will really miss him, and have already started feeling guilty. Besides, when my moves over here soon, she as a mother will have much more intense such feelings, and I am sure she will make me feel much more guilty about this all ( as i was the main driver for moving to Aus).
2. My younger son (who was very enthusiastic about moving to Aus), has also recently started saying that he misses his brother and friends in the UK and is not feeling happy. He feels sad that he can't see his brother as often as he could have in the UK, and this is increasing my guilt (as resultant stress).
I am definitely better off here in terms of quality of life, work, money and weather, but the above matters are making me question my decision about moving here and I have even started thinking of moving back.
Please advise.
Thanks
Jay
Horses for courses it depends on personal perspectives. I think children under 11 years of age are better suited to the move along with both parents fully engaged in Australian careers and lifestyle.
#3
Re: Dealing with Guilt of moving to Australia
Why would you expect your kids to follow you over? it's your dream, obviously, not theirs. Once they are grown up and have flown the nest they could end up anywhere. I have one here in Aus a 4 hour drive away from us and the other went to UK for a post uni gap year holiday in 2002 - wont come back now! They have their own lives to lead, we dont expect them to be tied to us. You just have to do what suits you - if that means you love Aus but your kids prefer UK, so be it, that's what happens, no point in feeling guilty about it. If your DW doesnt like it when she gets here then you have problems - as has been said, so many relationships dont stand the strain. If she wants to go back for whatever reason, will you go? Would you let your younger son leave if his mother decides she wants to go? It all gets very convoluted.
#4
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 14,040
Re: Dealing with Guilt of moving to Australia
Your 22 year old is his own person now. For now he's chosen girlfriend and job but she could ditch him in a year and he might get a good job in New York, or something like that. Then what????? You just blew up your decision to move to Australia then move back to the UK for what??
My wife always says to our 9 year old, you are just like your father. As soon as you can you are going to leave us and live in other countries. My response to that is, go do it son and have no guilt. Life is short. Enjoy
My wife always says to our 9 year old, you are just like your father. As soon as you can you are going to leave us and live in other countries. My response to that is, go do it son and have no guilt. Life is short. Enjoy
#5
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Joined: Jan 2021
Location: Melbourne
Posts: 24
Re: Dealing with Guilt of moving to Australia
I fully agree. Each persons circumstances are different and depending on person, the emotional effects can differ. It is like 'between rock and the hard sea' like situation. While I do feel the life here for me, my wife and my yunger one will be better here in Aus, in terms of weather, lifestyle, money and overall quality of life; it is now clear that all three of us will grapple with the reality of having seperated from our elder son. And perhaps we will question time and again: is it worth it? And a lot will depend on if my younger will be able to perform academcally well, achieve his aims, and if my wife will settle in well in her job. Only time will tell. :-(
#6
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Joined: Jan 2021
Location: Melbourne
Posts: 24
Re: Dealing with Guilt of moving to Australia
Thanks Quoll. Very pertinent advice. In fact, when I made the final decision to try my luck in Aus, these were exactly the thoughts that I had....that there is no guarantee in today's world that kids will stay around. At one point, I had almost made up my mind to give up the idea, as i was feeling guilty ( as if I was abandoning my elder son). However, i had open conversation with him, and he said i still at least give it a go. Further, my few friend advised me the same as you, and said, if I was to give up on my Aus, what was the guarantee that my elder son will never leave UK? This then, helped me made up my mind to at least come over here and try my luck.
I ahve to say, i am much happier than UK in term of job and money. My job here pays me double the money I was getting (with much less workload and much less stress). the same will be the case for my wife's job. Apart from the guilt around my elder son being left behind (though he is on family VISA and he has option to come to Aus if he chooses to), I donot have any regrets about moving to Aus.
re my DW, I have a gut feeling that she will like the life here, but have promised to her that if things don't work out as planned (mainly around her career here), in worst case scenerio, i will be prepared to move back to UK with her. This has actually been reassuring to her, and has helped her feel relaxed a bit.
But as you said, as the time will go by, things will get convoluted, for sure.
I ahve to say, i am much happier than UK in term of job and money. My job here pays me double the money I was getting (with much less workload and much less stress). the same will be the case for my wife's job. Apart from the guilt around my elder son being left behind (though he is on family VISA and he has option to come to Aus if he chooses to), I donot have any regrets about moving to Aus.
re my DW, I have a gut feeling that she will like the life here, but have promised to her that if things don't work out as planned (mainly around her career here), in worst case scenerio, i will be prepared to move back to UK with her. This has actually been reassuring to her, and has helped her feel relaxed a bit.
But as you said, as the time will go by, things will get convoluted, for sure.
#7
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Joined: Jan 2021
Location: Melbourne
Posts: 24
Re: Dealing with Guilt of moving to Australia
Your 22 year old is his own person now. For now he's chosen girlfriend and job but she could ditch him in a year and he might get a good job in New York, or something like that. Then what????? You just blew up your decision to move to Australia then move back to the UK for what??
My wife always says to our 9 year old, you are just like your father. As soon as you can you are going to leave us and live in other countries. My response to that is, go do it son and have no guilt. Life is short. Enjoy
My wife always says to our 9 year old, you are just like your father. As soon as you can you are going to leave us and live in other countries. My response to that is, go do it son and have no guilt. Life is short. Enjoy
Thanks Beoz.
I agree. My elder one is now full adult and can take his own decisions. At least doors for Australia are open for him ( as he is on family VISA). Now it will be down to him as to whether to come or not. (Incidentally he is doing corporate law, and he tells me that the like for like salaries are significantly lower for corporate lawyers in Aus, which will be the main factor for him to stay in the UK). And I absolutely agree, he might get a better offer from Newyork or elsewhere, and that would mean I would have given up my dream for nothing. These were precisely the points that made me gather enough strength to take a dip and realise my Australian dream. But, as it is but human, with massage of time, the guilt feelings have started to emerge again. hopw you will understand. But thanks again for your kind advice.
#8
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Joined: May 2007
Location: England
Posts: 4,211
Re: Dealing with Guilt of moving to Australia
Thanks Quoll. Very pertinent advice. In fact, when I made the final decision to try my luck in Aus, these were exactly the thoughts that I had....that there is no guarantee in today's world that kids will stay around. At one point, I had almost made up my mind to give up the idea, as i was feeling guilty ( as if I was abandoning my elder son). However, i had open conversation with him, and he said i still at least give it a go. Further, my few friend advised me the same as you, and said, if I was to give up on my Aus, what was the guarantee that my elder son will never leave UK? This then, helped me made up my mind to at least come over here and try my luck.
I ahve to say, i am much happier than UK in term of job and money. My job here pays me double the money I was getting (with much less workload and much less stress). the same will be the case for my wife's job. Apart from the guilt around my elder son being left behind (though he is on family VISA and he has option to come to Aus if he chooses to), I donot have any regrets about moving to Aus.
re my DW, I have a gut feeling that she will like the life here, but have promised to her that if things don't work out as planned (mainly around her career here), in worst case scenerio, i will be prepared to move back to UK with her. This has actually been reassuring to her, and has helped her feel relaxed a bit.
But as you said, as the time will go by, things will get convoluted, for sure.
I ahve to say, i am much happier than UK in term of job and money. My job here pays me double the money I was getting (with much less workload and much less stress). the same will be the case for my wife's job. Apart from the guilt around my elder son being left behind (though he is on family VISA and he has option to come to Aus if he chooses to), I donot have any regrets about moving to Aus.
re my DW, I have a gut feeling that she will like the life here, but have promised to her that if things don't work out as planned (mainly around her career here), in worst case scenerio, i will be prepared to move back to UK with her. This has actually been reassuring to her, and has helped her feel relaxed a bit.
But as you said, as the time will go by, things will get convoluted, for sure.
#9
Just Joined
Joined: Oct 2022
Posts: 20
Re: Dealing with Guilt of moving to Australia
Family is the hardest thing about moving 'somewhere else' -
BUT - be selfish, it's YOUR dream. For 'face to face', modern tech brings you Messenger, Whatsapp, Skype and a myriad of other ways of communicating
Heck, there's even VR chat that immerses you both in 'the same room' :-)
I felt guilty leaving my parents when I moved over in my late 20's..I came back a decade later for a while with my wife 'n kids....family generally couldn't be bothered to travel a few hours to see us....
so, when I return down under, there'll be zero guilt
BUT - be selfish, it's YOUR dream. For 'face to face', modern tech brings you Messenger, Whatsapp, Skype and a myriad of other ways of communicating
Heck, there's even VR chat that immerses you both in 'the same room' :-)
I felt guilty leaving my parents when I moved over in my late 20's..I came back a decade later for a while with my wife 'n kids....family generally couldn't be bothered to travel a few hours to see us....
so, when I return down under, there'll be zero guilt
#10
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 14,040
Re: Dealing with Guilt of moving to Australia
And for that, it's a constant battle with my wife about the frequencies of visits. For me once every 3 or 4 years would be enough. But for her it must be every year to 18 months so the grandparents can see the growing kids, but screw that in my view. If the grandparents can't be bothered getting on a plane at our cost, then their problem. Even when we do go back relatives won't even get in a car to see us, it's all about us renting cars and seeing them. Very very tiring and draining to do every year to 18 months. Lockdown was brilliant for not seeing relatives.
#11
Re: Dealing with Guilt of moving to Australia
Thanks Quoll. Very pertinent advice. In fact, when I made the final decision to try my luck in Aus, these were exactly the thoughts that I had....that there is no guarantee in today's world that kids will stay around. At one point, I had almost made up my mind to give up the idea, as i was feeling guilty ( as if I was abandoning my elder son). However, i had open conversation with him, and he said i still at least give it a go. Further, my few friend advised me the same as you, and said, if I was to give up on my Aus, what was the guarantee that my elder son will never leave UK? This then, helped me made up my mind to at least come over here and try my luck.
I ahve to say, i am much happier than UK in term of job and money. My job here pays me double the money I was getting (with much less workload and much less stress). the same will be the case for my wife's job. Apart from the guilt around my elder son being left behind (though he is on family VISA and he has option to come to Aus if he chooses to), I donot have any regrets about moving to Aus.
re my DW, I have a gut feeling that she will like the life here, but have promised to her that if things don't work out as planned (mainly around her career here), in worst case scenerio, i will be prepared to move back to UK with her. This has actually been reassuring to her, and has helped her feel relaxed a bit.
But as you said, as the time will go by, things will get convoluted, for sure.
I ahve to say, i am much happier than UK in term of job and money. My job here pays me double the money I was getting (with much less workload and much less stress). the same will be the case for my wife's job. Apart from the guilt around my elder son being left behind (though he is on family VISA and he has option to come to Aus if he chooses to), I donot have any regrets about moving to Aus.
re my DW, I have a gut feeling that she will like the life here, but have promised to her that if things don't work out as planned (mainly around her career here), in worst case scenerio, i will be prepared to move back to UK with her. This has actually been reassuring to her, and has helped her feel relaxed a bit.
But as you said, as the time will go by, things will get convoluted, for sure.
#12
Re: Dealing with Guilt of moving to Australia
You've probably already screwed that up, actually. You have a 16 year old so you've effectively cemented at least his living in Australia for a good few years yet whether your wife likes it or not! He wouldnt move easily back into a UK university because he would need a foundation year to get into one of the better universities and the whole process would cost you many thousands in international student fees. .....