joeyb

We have been planning our move to Oz for a couple of years now.

We were due to go over in June this year but unfortunately my mum unexpectedly passed away in January so we decided to put everything on hold so I could support my Dad.

We are now looking at moving in February but we have hit a hurdle. Our 9 year old daughter!!
She has had a total change of heart and will not even entertain talking about the move. I have just even tried to bribe her with getting a laptop and web cam so she can keep in touch with her friends. But its still a no.

I don't want to force her into this but, on the other hand, the rest of us are really up for it.

Any ideas/suggestions?

Cheers

Jo

helena39

Hi
Don't want to sounds to blunt here but she is 9 years old and she should not be able to ruin your plans. My 8 & 5 years olds will go where we bring them. Luckily for us they are both looking forward to the move but I centainly would not let either of them ruin our plans. We are making the move for their future and I am sure your daughter will thank you in the long run. Don't let her blackmail you into changing your plans. Good luck
Helena

Zambia

I agree with Helen she has another 10 years before she even has a hope of an opinion in your movements.

Katherined0

I agree with the others. I would stop presenting it to her as if she has a choice and just stress all the positive things about moving. Of course she doesnt want to go. She is safe and secure where she lives now. But she will be fine..... she might make your life miserable for a bit, but she will be fine.

quoll

Yup, what the others said - you are the parents and making the decisions, she is only 9 and has a while to go before she can decide for herself.

Chances are that she will love it when she gets here but alternatively she may not and when she is old enough she will have the luxury of dual citizenship to go home and she may well do that.

The more you play her game of trying to get her onside the worse it will be so dont make a big deal of it. Basically tell her she is going and she can either choose to be miserable about it or she can choose to make it better for herself. If she whinges on, get her to come up with 3 things she can do to make the transition better (get everyone's email addresses, make a portfolio of memories, write a journal etc etc) - dont tell her what to do. Then the next time she whinges just ask her which of her 3 things has she tried and did they work? If not, what else could she try. Dont get into the bribery and rash promises or arguments. Although, of course, there are folk who have succeeded with promises of a horse or ballet lessons - just make sure you can deliver!

Good luck! Unwilling kids are the very devil!

Dorothy

I've said it before...When we told our kids they told us "I'm not going" and "You can't make me". We replied that "Yes you are" and "Yes we can" Simple really. YOU are the parent here, not your 9 year old. And promising a laptop and webcam to do as she's told is in my opinion just playing into her manipulation.

Safin

Not even looked at it but isn't there a kids section on here? Have a look and see if she'd get any support from that.

Is there anyone planning to come visit in the near future after the move - give her positives to look forward to about the move.

Any possibility of projects or activities (at school or home) that could stir interest in her - get her mates telling her how great it will be.


Talk about your feelings too. I admitted it was scary as well as exciting. If she feels she's not the only one feeling nervous/worried etc she may feel better and talk about just what the problem is and that might help her/you deal with the cause.

But at the end of the day you've decided to go and she'll have to deal with it like everyone else says. It is a big thing to a 9 yr old but presumably you're doing it to give her a good life in the long term.

BTW My 7 Yr old wasn't keen at all but once he got here it was a different story. Says he doesn't even want to go back to visit for several years yet!

amazed

She may still be grieving for her gran and have fears for her grandad too if this is the first loss of someone close to her. try to keep planning the move and involve her as much as appropriate for a 9 yr old,.without focusssing too much on her current resistance . if you don't feel you can talk to her about your mums death maybe ask school counsellor as children react to loss in many different ways and not neccessarily immediately.
maybe you could start exploring some of the oz websites aimed at children .abc kids.com.au is like bbc kids. also start reading some books by oz authors such as mem fox. if you seach australian childrens books on amazon there's a good list.

Ozzy dog

Firstly I'm sorry that you are having what is clearly an upsetting time.

Your daughter is almost certainly still grieving for her gran, remember, at 9 she will not have the same appreciation and understanding of death, to her it may feel very frightening. It appears that this could be a symptom of her grief.

Or.... a symptom of her fear of moving. Either way you can show her that you are there for her, empathize with her and share how you feel about the move. In other words help her normalize her feelings. Even if she becomes stroppy and angry (defensive), tell her that you understand that she might be feeling all sorts of things and that she can talk to you.

Its not always fun being the parent is it? Sometimes we find ourselves making what is felt by others as an unpopular decision. But we have to be the grown ups for our kids. Tell her that she can tell you how she feels and you will do your best to understand her, however, you are going, you know she feels unhappy about this but that you will be there for her.

I wish you luck, remember at 9 things can feel very immediate and scary But you can be the support for her, model to her the ability to share feelings and say what you need.

Tracey

Nu-Shooz

My daughter didn't want to move to OZ and gave me the same grieve, but she was 14.
In the end i gave up and let her return to UK when she was 16, i wouldn't let a 9 year old dictate to me though.
Don't let her ruin your plans, she has no choice. Hope things work out for you

joeyb

Thanks for all your replies.
You are right and it is time for me to get a grip. I am the adult and my daughter will be moving over. I will try to understand her fears, etc but I know that she will love it once she settles in.

Once again, thanks for all your input - your views and suggestions have been a great help.

I'll let you know how it all progresses.

Jo

Katherined0

good luck with it Jo! Kids are generally more adaptable than they realise.

Zambia

Did she buy her own flight

I was an ungratefull scamp at times but paying for myself used to drag me back into line.

Nu-Shooz

No, i paid for her to get back. But she did want to come back to see us in OZ and expected us to pay for her. I said no. She's 17 now and works, so she will have to pay her own way from now on.

mand8002

At aged 9 she has to do what you say. Yes she will make life horrible but that won't last long. We had one child who did not want to come but was 16 at the time and we told her she was coming but once she got citizenship then she could do what she wanted. She actually came when she was 18 (long story that I won't bore anyone with) and made life difficult at first but now 12 months later she is very happy and would not go back. A 9yr old will adapt and settle in very quickly. We discovered the reluctance of ours was that other people were saying they did not want her to go etc and that was really influencing her.