Cyclonic humour
Oct 8th 2005, 1:20 am
#1
Thread Starter
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 1,347
Cyclonic humour
Cyclone procedures
We're about to enter the cyclone season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Arafura Sea and making two basic meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, cyclone season is an exciting time to be in Darwin. If you’re new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step cyclone preparedness plan:
STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3: Drive to Adelaide and remain there until Easter.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Darwin.
We'll start with one of the most important cyclone preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:
If you own a home, you must have cyclone insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Adelaide.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Darwin, or any other area that might actually be hit by a cyclone, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you cyclone insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Cyclone Tracey, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
SHUTTERS:
Your house should have cyclone shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major cyclone -- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you Get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be May.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, And will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
Cyclone-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in cyclone protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand cyclone winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Adelaide.
Cyclone Proofing your property: As the cyclone approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc…. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the cyclone winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE:
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Darwin," you live in a low-lying area).
The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with all the other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
CYCLONE SUPPLIES:
If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Darwin tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
1. 23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
2. Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so get some!)
3. 55 gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
4. A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a cyclone, but it looks cool.)
5. A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the crocodiles. (Ask anybody who went through Tracey; after the cyclone, there WILL be irate crocodiles.)
6. $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the cyclone passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the cyclone draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise.
We're about to enter the cyclone season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Arafura Sea and making two basic meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, cyclone season is an exciting time to be in Darwin. If you’re new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step cyclone preparedness plan:
STEP 1: Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2: Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3: Drive to Adelaide and remain there until Easter.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Darwin.
We'll start with one of the most important cyclone preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:
If you own a home, you must have cyclone insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Adelaide.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Darwin, or any other area that might actually be hit by a cyclone, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you cyclone insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Cyclone Tracey, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
SHUTTERS:
Your house should have cyclone shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and -- if it's a major cyclone -- all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you Get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be May.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, And will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
Cyclone-proof windows: These are the newest wrinkle in cyclone protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand cyclone winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Adelaide.
Cyclone Proofing your property: As the cyclone approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc…. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the cyclone winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE:
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Darwin," you live in a low-lying area).
The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with all the other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
CYCLONE SUPPLIES:
If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Darwin tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
1. 23 flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
2. Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so get some!)
3. 55 gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
4. A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a cyclone, but it looks cool.)
5. A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the crocodiles. (Ask anybody who went through Tracey; after the cyclone, there WILL be irate crocodiles.)
6. $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the cyclone passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course these are just basic precautions. As the cyclone draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise.
Oct 8th 2005, 2:23 am
#2
Home and Happy
Joined: Dec 2002
Location: Keep true friends and puppets close, trust no-one else...
Posts: 93,860
Re: Cyclonic humour
as a worker for the Emergency Services........I can assure you that one will be on every office wall next week 
Oct 8th 2005, 2:28 am
#3
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Mar 2004
Location: I'm right here
Posts: 380
Re: Cyclonic humour
When does the Cyclonic irrigation season start
