mickagnew

Hi all

Strange thing to post this really but just had to get it off my chest and get some thoughts from others.

My stepdaughter, 23, obviously does not want her mother to go to oz and will not even think about going herself as she has just finished uni and now got a job with Cathay Pacific at Heathrow on ground crew, ie starting out in life.

We, myself, other half and 2 boys 9 and 12, have the visas and need to validate by March. We are going to give stepdaughter time to settle in job and find flat etc and will probably go in about 9 months, however she will just not acknowledge the fact we are going and I think is beginning to blame me for it all as well, I see things getting very difficult and to be honest do not want to see it tear everyone apart. She is constantly telling her mother how she wont settle etc and everyone else.

What is the answer if someone whos not going doesnt except things and even as we`re selling the house and she wants us to do her bedroom up etc

It is difficult for all, any comments or people in same boat.

Cheers for any advice

ljj

It must be so hard for you all. It is for us all when we make the decision to leave our family be it parents, siblings or children. You have to keep in mind is this what you want to do to make a better lives for yourselves.

I don't mean this in a bad way and I know I would find it terribly hard to leave my children but at 23 she knows her own mind and has her own adult life (I'd been married 2 years and had my first child by 23 - she's no longer a child!). You can't expect her to go along with you if she really doesn't want to.

Maybe you have to gently all sit down and talk openly about your/her concerns. Try to get her to aknowledge the fact that you plan to go, include her in the visa application, have her visit and then make up her own decision.

It's not going to be easy for you and I wish you all the strength to get through it and reach the right decision for you all.

K. sent

LJJ

iPom

Mick...
The answer is, she's 23. You said it yourself.
She's an adult.

You're adults. You're going to Australia. Good for you. I hope you all enjoy it.

What you choose to do with your lives really is nothing to do with her, other than to let her know what you're doing. Sorry if that's harsh, but you don't tell her what job to get and how she should spend her money or what she may do with her time do you?
It's your life. Enjoy it. It only happens once. As for your step daughter, she probably needs to grow up a bit and having parents on the other side of the world will probably accelerate that process somewhat. Sounds like it could be a good thing imo.

Whether she's in denial or not, stick to your plans. Ignore the behaviour, keep talking to her about 'when' you go and mention her coming out for a holiday 'when' you're settled. If you give her room to discuss what you're doing, then she'll try it on again. Be a team, all talk about your collective goals for Australia as a unit, not just as one person driving the others and she'll stop trying to control the situation eventually.
I guess she may feel insecure at what she sees as 'losing' her mother, but keep positive and talk about the future. This will pass.
Good luck.

mickagnew

Thanks ljj and ipom

appreciate youir thoughts and have to say agree with you, however what I dont want to do and havnt as yet is start a tug of war with her mother as this would be very counterproductive and just cause everyone anguish, including little uns.

One good thing is that now she works for Cathay PAcific she gets 90% discount on flights so coming to see us is not a problem, but the more she always tells everyone that her mother is abandoning her, at every opportunity, the harder it would appear to be getting for her mum and subsequent discussions that follow.

Once again thanks for opinions, its good to talk

Cheers

Wendy

I know just how your wife feels, I left my 18 year old in the UK.

He didn't give me any grief over it, but I still feel guilty for abandoning him.

All I can say to you is that she will carry on with her life regardless of what you and her mother do. Next time you see her, ask her what would she do if she was offered a fantasic opportunity abroad with Cathay Pacific. I bet she'd just up and leave without a second thought for her Mum.

I know it sounds harsh mate, but she has to grow up and part of that is learning to stand on her own two feet and stop being selfish, after all you have other kids to think about too.

At the end of the day she will always be your daughter and I'm sure that you will be there for her if she needs you. You need to think of you, your wife and your other kids as your job with her is done, she is an adult in her own right and has the power to make her own decisions.

All the best mate, will be thinking of you

thewoodz

hi
i am also leaving my son who is 22 and married. he would love to come but his wife doesn't want to leave her family - which is understandable - we made the decision to go knowing we would be leaving him behind. how does your wife feel - is she feeling torn in two, i know i do sometimes (my son is also my OH step child)
however i know he is an adult (he has fought in the middle east twice) but it is hard but i know he is setting out on his own "life path". explain to your step-daughter that the world is now a very small place - e-mails web cams etc and she is also Lucky that she can have discounted flights.
she has her life in front of her - she may find her job taking her around the world at some stage, would she then not go if you told her not to?
its a stressful time for all and i wish you all the best

suebrennan

Hi Mick

Sorry to hear about this as the whole thing is stessful enough as it is. Your stepdaughter is 23 - an adult and well able to make up her own mind. Meanwhile you have other people to worry about. It is difficult but I would hope that you will go ahead with your plans and not force the issue with her as it may cause a rift. I suspect that when you are settled here your stepdaughter may come for a visit as she will probalby really miss the family and again it will be her call and who knows what might happen but if she decides that the UK is where she wants to be then you will have to respect that and hopefully she will understand why you want to be here.

Sue

Good luck

Sue

mickagnew

Hi Sue

Hope all is well for you, hows it going there, have you met up with Kelly yet?

thanks WendyC and thewoodz, all thoughts / opinions are well appreciated, I guess I feel pretty much as everyone has said and that we are all grown up adults, it is though very difficult when even the young uns cant mention it even though they are so excited.

Am sure it will all turn out in the end, the thing is I know we have to give it a go as we have come this far and for the boys, she will probably come out to live in the end as she gets older and laugh at it all.

I know if we dont give it a go we would regret it forever but dint want to force things so will just go through the motions and carry on, house sale etc and hope she comes round. What if she forces the hand of the other half through emotional blackmail though? Time will tell I guess.

A burden shared is a burden halfed

Cheers All

PS Sue You missed a good second meet with more expats coming to you shortly if not already there ie The Chief next week, leaving do Friday, Grahme and Kate etc

suebrennan

Hi - I think we are going to have to attempt to organise a Herts style meet up but yours will be a hard act to follow!

Will pm you.

x

Wendy

The thing is though, if you and your wife don't do it you will end up resenting her, which is going to be worse in the long run.

It is a very horrible situation to be in and you have my symapthy. The best you can do is to be firm but fair with her and tell her that you have to do it to see if it's the right thing for you or not. Explain to her that you'd never stop her doing something similar if the opportunity came up.

It may be best to play it safe and tell her that it's more of a temporary trip to see what it's like than a forever thing.

Maybe she just feels left out. Try to get your wife and her to spend some time together, a short trip somewhere in the UK or something may just help.

sharon45

Hi
I know how you feel, i will be leaving my daughter who is 20 ,she is engaged and has her own flat.
I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night thinking am i doing the right thing
But I know this is the only chance well have at getting to oz because of our age.

She hasn't said dont go but deep down she'll miss us .

She has just went to Mexico on Mon and we've already spoken and texted every day always ending in luv u miss u,and shes only going be away for 2 weeks.

the way I see it we stay her for her and she probably end up at the other side for the world ( her fiance works with the oil industry) and well be
left behind.
we have a son who is 15 and i feel the move will be great fro him, she has always been miss independent but deep down she needs us.
So its going to be chin up and hopefully she visit plenty.

I think we will wait until her 21st in July before moving.


Kids !!!!! They will drive you to

DerekM

I have to say, how can you actually abandon someone who is 23 years old??? Is it being sarcastic? I know thats how the Mother will feel but not the young adult surely! She has been through Uni and has now got a job which hopefully she enjoys, well most of the time anyway! Its a time when they start to develop a life of their own if they have not done it by now. The fact that you are moving to Oz will in the medium term give her more opportunities in life because you are there.
Our kids left us at that age or younger (wonderful) but they always keep coming back! And keeping in touch.

Wendy

I think it's just like when you tell parents etc that you are moving half way around the world, some will accept it and be happy for you and others will make you feel like crap for doing it.

It's selfish, no way about it. But it doesn't mean that you should ignore it and just go anyway. It is really hard to leave your kids behind no matter how old they are. They are still your kids at the end of the day and you will worry about them 24/7.

Somtimes people can't see the wood for the trees, so telling her that it is giving her an opportunity probably won't make a difference if she is angry at being left behind.

It may be that she thinks her Mum is putting her "new" family before her. I know how that feels and it's not nice. It does make you selfish, you try to make your parent choose and if they don't choose you then you make it even worse for them. It is not until you have oyur own kids that you come to realise your missing parent loves you no matter what.

It's not a position I'd like to be in

blackcountrygirl

[QUOTE=WendyC]I think it's just like when you tell parents etc that you are moving half way around the world, some will accept it and be happy for you and others will make you feel like crap for doing it.

It's selfish, no way about it. But it doesn't mean that you should ignore it and just go anyway. It is really hard to leave your kids behind no matter how old they are. They are still your kids at the end of the day and you will worry about them 24/7.

Somtimes people can't see the wood for the trees, so telling her that it is giving her an opportunity probably won't make a difference if she is angry at being left behind.

It may be that she thinks her Mum is putting her "new" family before her. I know how that feels and it's not nice. It does make you selfish, you try to make your parent choose and if they don't choose you then you make it even worse for them. It is not until you have oyur own kids that you come to realise your missing parent loves you no matter what.

It's not a position I'd like to be in [/QUOTE

We had 3 children youngest 23, and a 27 and 29 old and 2 grandsons 4and half years old, they had their lives to lead and we wanted a better life so we came to S. Australia, lets face it if they had wanted to go to Timbuktoo they would have gone and so would your children, don`t give way to emotional blackmail, its your life so do what you want to , believe me they`ll do what they want to anyway

WE`ve been in oz 16yrs now

Hope all goes well

Sheila]

TeresaG

I think its like when you tell everyone you are planning to move abroad, some will accept it and wish you luck and others will do everything they can to try and talk you out of it. We are having awful problems with my husbands family and they are making us feel so terribly guilty for wanted to make this move.

She is an adult and you can't make her move with you if she doesn't want to. She knows her own mind and what she wants. You also shouldn't let her talk you out of your move as you will just resent her for it. Her behaviour is selfish and it must put you in a very difficult situation. If she decided that she wanted to move abroad, she probably wouldn't worry about it but its because it is you that is moving. Maybe she feels like you are abandoning her.

Don't let her talk you out of it. You'll only end up resenting her and that will be even worse. Be firm and tell her that you are going as otherwise you'll always regret it.