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Australian workplace agreements

Australian workplace agreements

Old Feb 10th 2006, 10:57 am
  #1  
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Default Australian workplace agreements

SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctors statement as proof of sickness.If your able to go to the doctor you are able to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will recieve 104 personal days a year they are called saturday and sunday.

BOREAVEMENT LAEVE
There is no excuse for missing work.There is nothing you can do for dead friends relatives or co workers.Every effort must be made to have non employees attend the arrangements.In rare cases where employee involvement is needed,the funeral should be late in the afternoon.We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour so you can leave 1 hour early.

TOILET USE
Far too much time is being spent in the toilet.There is now a strict 3 minute limit in the stall.At the end of the 3 minutes an alarm will sound the toilet paper will retract the door will open and your picture will be taken.After your 2nd offence your picture will be posted on the company bullitin board.Anyone found smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the companys mental health policy.

LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so they can look healthy.Normal sized people get 15 minutes to have a balanced meal to maintain there average size.Chubby people get 5 minutes because that is all they need to drink a slimfast.

DEATH CLAUSE
Any worker found dead at work will be promptly fired as all deaths need to be applied for in advance.Death should be avoided if you cannot prove it wont affect production.



dave
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Old Feb 10th 2006, 11:02 am
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Default Re: Australian workplace agreements

Dave

Glad to see you've settled, you went for Perth in the end then? I'm in Brissie and just starting to look for our first house. Eldest starts uni next week doing engineering, youngest is coxing for the rowing team at his school.
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Old Feb 10th 2006, 7:12 pm
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Smile Re: Australian workplace agreements

sounds great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i would lose the weight no problem
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Old Feb 10th 2006, 7:59 pm
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Default Re: Australian workplace agreements

Originally Posted by chippy dave
SICK DAYS
We will no longer accept a doctors statement as proof of sickness.If your able to go to the doctor you are able to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS
Each employee will recieve 104 personal days a year they are called saturday and sunday.

BOREAVEMENT LAEVE
There is no excuse for missing work.There is nothing you can do for dead friends relatives or co workers.Every effort must be made to have non employees attend the arrangements.In rare cases where employee involvement is needed,the funeral should be late in the afternoon.We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour so you can leave 1 hour early.

TOILET USE
Far too much time is being spent in the toilet.There is now a strict 3 minute limit in the stall.At the end of the 3 minutes an alarm will sound the toilet paper will retract the door will open and your picture will be taken.After your 2nd offence your picture will be posted on the company bullitin board.Anyone found smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the companys mental health policy.

LUNCH BREAK
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so they can look healthy.Normal sized people get 15 minutes to have a balanced meal to maintain there average size.Chubby people get 5 minutes because that is all they need to drink a slimfast.

DEATH CLAUSE
Any worker found dead at work will be promptly fired as all deaths need to be applied for in advance.Death should be avoided if you cannot prove it wont affect production.



dave
sorry you may missed a couple

Employees must give 12 months written notice of death to be entitled to claim compensation under section 1.1 “sudden death clause” of the companies bereavement benefits policy.

To be eligible to take statutory maternity leave all female employees must give 24 months written notice confirming actual date of confinement prior to conception

In the interest of health and safety hygiene of all employees, employees are no longer allowed to use toilet facilities on company premises.

Employees are reminded that the leaving of company premises of any reason during the normal shift pattern including death will be deemed to be a dismissible offence

However to aid in efficiency and productivity the company will provide all employees with one pair of incontinent pants per week cost of which will be dedcuted directly at source. (well had to give one concession to the unions)
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Old Feb 11th 2006, 11:17 am
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Default Re: Australian workplace agreements

Originally Posted by Sue from Manchester
Dave

Glad to see you've settled, you went for Perth in the end then? I'm in Brissie and just starting to look for our first house. Eldest starts uni next week doing engineering, youngest is coxing for the rowing team at his school.

hi sue,

Yes we went for perth and we are very happy.I,m doing great at work and sam and the girls are really settled it,s hard to believe we,ve only been here 4 months.

take care dave and sam x
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