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Am I making the right decision?

Am I making the right decision?

Old Mar 20th 2014, 2:23 pm
  #1  
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Default Am I making the right decision?

I know that no one can actually answer my question but I think it would help me to post on here anyway!

We have made the decision to emigrate to Australia. my husband is Australian and all his family and friends are there. We go on holiday there every year and I know alot of people there through him. We have ummed and arred for years about moving and have finally decided that we are goiing to go next year and are currently putting my visa together.

Im excited about the move but at the same time Im so scared. The main concern being my parents. We have 2 young children and my parents are so close to them. They desperately dont want us to go and it breaks my heart knowing how much I am hurting them. My mum especailly is devasated and it makes me cry everytime I think of her pain.

I keep wondering if im doing the right thing and if i'll be able to go through with it when the time comes. The thought of her hugging goodbe to the kids when we leave just has me in tears.

I know there's skype but with young children who go to bed at 7.30pm the time difference makes it hard. And yes they can come visit and they say they will but they are 70 next year and they cant do this for many years.

Im sure everyone who has moved has had similar heart ache and doubts. Im just struggling right now and having doubts.....
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Old Mar 20th 2014, 3:01 pm
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Default Re: Am I making the right decision?

Firstly you won't know if you can follow through with your decision until you have got a visa.

Secondly you won't know if it's the right decision until you've followed through with it.
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Old Mar 20th 2014, 5:03 pm
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Default Re: Am I making the right decision?

I remember when I asked my parents for there opinion on moving to Canada for work many years ago and my dads answer of "... You can't spend half your life worrying about us. You have to live your own life, If you don't go you will regret it"

I voided the first part as his humour doesn't really work in text, he was right though I met my Fiancée in Canada who is Australian and now we are moving to Australian and it's all because of my Dad. You never know if it was the right choice unless you take it, and the best bit is you never know if it was the wrong choice either.
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Old Mar 20th 2014, 5:13 pm
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Default Re: Am I making the right decision?

To be honest all you can do is give it a go, no-one else can really say if it is the right decision for you. If it doesnt work out then you can move back which is what many do every year. No country is one size fits all, what is a positive for one is a negative for another. As I say the only way to know for sure is to try it. You are just swapping one 1st world country for another at the end of the day.
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Old Mar 20th 2014, 5:50 pm
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Default Re: Am I making the right decision?

You will miss people but FaceTime and Skype are great.
You can always do it at weekends - much easier.
If your kids are young then they will lose their special relationship with Grandparents unless there can be regular visits. You have to decide if you can live with that.
It works for some, not others.
We are happy we made the move, good luck
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Old Mar 20th 2014, 6:36 pm
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Default Re: Am I making the right decision?

Honestly? Who knows? First up, read about The Hague Convention and be very very sure that if it didn't work for you that your DH would return with you or at least allow you to leave with the kids because if he says no, the courts will not let you leave with your kids, and if you hate it you are trapped until they are 18 (or beyond)

Leaving your family can be tough and it doesn't take much for the resentment to set in that he and his have everything and you and yours have nothing - he's probably feeling that way now though TBH. A bit of PMT and the umpteenth Christmas without your folk and sparks may well fly even from the most level headed of us.

If you do move, I'd suggest moving somewhere new so that you and your little family have to make it as a unit together not with him knowing all and everyone and you tagging along for the ride knowing no one and nothing. I have fabulous in laws but it was a whole lot easier that we were all independent of them - close enough for the occasional visit but not in each other's pockets.

Grand parenting on Skype - it sucks! When the kids are little they have no understanding and can be quite confused that Nanna lives in the box on the desk - even if you can synchronise times so that they are up and awake and not tired and grumpy. I can rarely get to chat to mine (the broadband is pathetic!). TBH I find that out of sight is out of mind - it hurts less that way. I know a lot of people like FT and Skype but for me it's worse than useless.

Would I do it again? Probably, if the opportunity in Aus was better than the opportunity I had in UK. Would I stay so long - nope, not in a pink fit. Do I regret not bring closer to extended family? Yup (and, sadly, so do both of my now adult sons - one in UK and one in Aus)

Good luck with your decision, I guess a lot hinges on the trust you have in your marriage!
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Old Mar 20th 2014, 6:50 pm
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Default Re: Am I making the right decision?

I have no idea if this will be the right thing for you or not. My advice is to make sure you discuss the what ifs with your husband and make a pact about what you will do in each scenario, e.g. sick parents, you not settling etc.

Our pact was that we would stay in Australia for minimum four years, unless one of us was seriously unhappy or depressed (not just a bit homesick) in which case we would go sooner. Of course we are both English so that makes it easier, but it is good to have a pact and know where you stand.
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Old Mar 20th 2014, 8:40 pm
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Default Re: Am I making the right decision?

Exact same position as you minus 3 and a half years and 2 kids. It was pretty tough on my wife and her folks. It would have been a lot easier though if my in-laws had adopted the approach "its your life not ours, you've gotta do what you've gotta do". Unfortunately my father in law is a grumpy, self obsessed, old bastard who hasn't been on a plane for 30 years.

We were back in the UK the past few weeks, something we've done about every nine months since our move. When we lived in the UK we only saw my in-laws about 4 times a year and that totalled about 12 days. Now, because we have holidays to the UK we are totaling up on average about 20 days with them per year. Plus we see them on a weekly basis due to Skype. So in my opinion being in Australia gives them more accessible days to their daughter. If they weren't so stubborn about visits, which we would gladly pay for they would get more days annually.

3 years down the line may patience with my in-laws, especially the grumpy old bastard, are wearing thin and the sympathy now is about nil.
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Old Mar 20th 2014, 10:09 pm
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Default Re: Am I making the right decision?

I can totally relate to this! I am an Australian currently living in the UK with my English partner and our 2 children, who were born in England. I feel guilty everyday for the fact that my parents are missing out on the chance to be 'real' grandparents and my sister an Aunty. I Skype twice a week and also email lots of photos and video's. My eldest daughter who is 5 has been lucky enough to visit Perth 4 times and my youngest who has just turned 1 has been once. My parents and sister have also visited us..... but it is not the same. This causes lots of tension and resentment in my relationship with my partner as we always agreed we would move to Australia before our eldest daughter started school and now he does not want to go. Unfortunately now I am in a no win situation.
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Old Mar 21st 2014, 3:17 am
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Default Re: Am I making the right decision?

Originally Posted by CherryUK
And yes they can come visit and they say they will but they are 70 next year and they cant do this for many years.
When we emigrated out here in 1983 with a 5yo and a 3yo my mother was 73 and my father was 69. They both came out together several times, then mum died in 1995 and dad came out alone for the last time in 1997 at the age of 83. Don't count them out just because they're 70!
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Old Mar 21st 2014, 11:03 am
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Default Re: Am I making the right decision?

Originally Posted by KJCherokee View Post
Don't count them out just because they're 70!
Exactly! They may still be coming to see you at 90. And by that time you'll probably be getting on a bit yourselves. You don't want to grow too old to enjoy your own lives just because you feel guilty. In 15 years your kids might be leaving home to start their own lives - do you want them to feel guilty about leaving you? Should they stay close to their grandparents?
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Old Mar 21st 2014, 2:40 pm
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Default Re: Am I making the right decision?

Similar situation to you but it's my husband who is English and me the Australian.
About 4 years ago he had a really great job offer and offering to ship us all out but at the last minute he caved to the emotional blackmail from his family here and we didn't go, three years later and he was feeling quite resentful of them in the end for halting it. So now we are going four years later but I don think anything will stop him now at least I hope not as we are due to leave in a couple of weeks!
The point I am trying to make is that once it has entered your lives as a possibility if you don't go it will always be there and what ifs will continually raise their head and could cause a lot more heartache and resentment in the future than moving ever would.
What we did was apply for the visa our spouse visa took nearly a year to come through anyway and then when the visa is granted decided where to go from there, a lot can happen in a year, for instance my son is 6 and has suffered a lot with bullying at school over the last year, the school is useless and I can't see it getting any better for him here so it has made our decision a lot easier to move him abroad for a potentially better future.
From my experience it will always be there now and the only way to deal with it is to give it a go, what's the worst that can happen you don't like it you come back, yeah you will probably lose a bit of money but at least in the future you will be able to say yeah, tried it didn't like it rather than torturing yourselves with what ifs and regrets.
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Old Mar 22nd 2014, 8:39 pm
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Default Re: Am I making the right decision?

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. Its really helped. And I think you are very right Kris Rocks- aid we don't try it we will always wonder. I feel that every year we go and visit.

Quoll- I understand your principle if out if side out if mind being easier but I don't think if be able to do that. I speak to my parents every day at the moment. We live 4 hrs apart here and I'm used to FaceTiming them so hopefully hopefully it won't be too horrendous. The time difference will be hard.

Beiz- I realise its not a funny situation for you but your reply did make be laugh!

Its been freezing in the uk today- helps be feel positive about the move.!!
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Old Mar 22nd 2014, 11:55 pm
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Default Re: Am I making the right decision?

Originally Posted by Kris_Rocks View Post
what's the worst that can happen you don't like it you come back, yeah you will probably lose a bit of money .
That unfortunately is not the worst that can happen. If the OP doesn't like living here but her Australian partner (father of their children) does she could find herself stuck in Australia until her children are 18 or make the difficult choice to go home without them. Courts will usually take into account a child's usual place of residence and where the other parent is when granting permission to take them to another country to live.

I can't think of her name ATM (it's only 6:50 am here on a Sunday morning) but there was a poster who springs to mind who was in pretty much that same situation. The marriage broke down, she wanted to go home with her child, father said he wanted to stay in Australia, father fought her request to move child back home, courts said child could not go back to UK. Mum was stuck in Australia where she didn't want to be so she could be with her child.

OP, think long and hard about whether this is something you really want to do.
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Old Mar 23rd 2014, 1:31 am
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Default Re: Am I making the right decision?

I agree to be careful if the marriage is on shaky ground but surely the same applies with any family moving here?

To the OP: It's perfectly possible for your parents to continue that special relationship with your children, they just need to come over for the duration of summer holidays and other long periods from time to time and supplement it with Skype. In the UK my wife and I were pretty much alone extended family wise but until my mum passed away both my mum and dad used to stay with us for three months at a time once or twice a year. My dad still does that to this day and it's perfectly likely he'll continue to do so for the next 15 years or so. Emigrating needn't be as final and as disconnecting from extended family as it once was.
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