Go Back  British Expats > Living & Moving Abroad > Australia
Reload this Page >

Am I being Selfish??

Am I being Selfish??

Old Mar 9th 2003, 11:26 am
  #1  
Just Joined
Thread Starter
 
Tony Stroud's Avatar
 
Joined: Feb 2003
Location: Essex
Posts: 4
Tony Stroud is an unknown quantity at this point
Default Am I being Selfish??

Hi

(I'm actually Tony's partner Claire)

This is in relation to Louise B's post. I don't have any children but am worried about leaving my Mum behind.

We have recently made the decision to apply for emigration to Aus - Tony has wanted to go for a long time but I wanted to do a lot more research first before making my decision.

However I now have to tell my Mum of my decision - which i have been trying to do for 2 weeks now. She was widowed 6 years ago and I feel selfish in my decision to leave her. She doesn't depend on me or anything and has another daughter and four grandchildren about an hour away who she sees regularly. But I know she will be devastated when I tell her and as she is a very proud woman she will probably say (after a few tears) that I shouldn't worry about her and that I should do what I feel I want to do. But I know that inside it will break her heart. She also has arthritis so would prob struggle with the plane journey - especially in later years - all of which I feel I need to consider. Should we not all be there for our parents when they get older and will need to depend on us?

I feel pretty silly writing this out to complete strangers in Agony Aunt stylee - but it is something that I am struggling with and wonder if anyone else feels the same or had trouble telling the family they were off.

Ta
Claire
Tony Stroud is offline  
Old Mar 9th 2003, 11:33 am
  #2  
BE Forum Addict
 
mashiraz's Avatar
 
Joined: Sep 2002
Location: Derby
Posts: 1,656
mashiraz is an unknown quantity at this point
Default Re: Am I being Selfish??

Completely agree, we have been in the same situation. You feel like a traitor to your parents, but you have to be sure of the reasons you are doing it.

We told family a while ago and as the date closed in to the visa grant we talked more and more. It was still a shock to them when we said we had got it, and planned to go within 6 months. The more you talk the better it gets, otherwise its complete denial.

There was a really useful thread along similar lines about a month or so ago, can't remember the title but it seemed everyone had similar experiences and I found it particularly useful.

Best of luck..

Mash...
Originally posted by Tony Stroud
Hi

(I'm actually Tony's partner Claire)

This is in relation to Louise B's post. I don't have any children but am worried about leaving my Mum behind.

We have recently made the decision to apply for emigration to Aus - Tony has wanted to go for a long time but I wanted to do a lot more research first before making my decision.

However I now have to tell my Mum of my decision - which i have been trying to do for 2 weeks now. She was widowed 6 years ago and I feel selfish in my decision to leave her. She doesn't depend on me or anything and has another daughter and four grandchildren about an hour away who she sees regularly. But I know she will be devastated when I tell her and as she is a very proud woman she will probably say (after a few tears) that I shouldn't worry about her and that I should do what I feel I want to do. But I know that inside it will break her heart. She also has arthritis so would prob struggle with the plane journey - especially in later years - all of which I feel I need to consider. Should we not all be there for our parents when they get older and will need to depend on us?

I feel pretty silly writing this out to complete strangers in Agony Aunt stylee - but it is something that I am struggling with and wonder if anyone else feels the same or had trouble telling the family they were off.

Ta
Claire
mashiraz is offline  
Old Mar 9th 2003, 11:45 am
  #3  
Rushwood, Thornlands, QLD
 
Boomie's Avatar
 
Joined: Feb 2003
Location: Thornlands,Bayside, Qld
Posts: 1,864
Boomie is a glorious beacon of lightBoomie is a glorious beacon of lightBoomie is a glorious beacon of lightBoomie is a glorious beacon of lightBoomie is a glorious beacon of lightBoomie is a glorious beacon of lightBoomie is a glorious beacon of lightBoomie is a glorious beacon of lightBoomie is a glorious beacon of lightBoomie is a glorious beacon of lightBoomie is a glorious beacon of light
Default Re:- Mum!!!!

I have sent you an email - hope you have got it!!!!


Boomerang
Boomie is offline  
Old Mar 9th 2003, 11:46 am
  #4  
BE Forum Addict
 
Carrianne's Avatar
 
Joined: Nov 2002
Location: Location, Location!
Posts: 1,481
Carrianne is a splendid one to beholdCarrianne is a splendid one to beholdCarrianne is a splendid one to beholdCarrianne is a splendid one to beholdCarrianne is a splendid one to beholdCarrianne is a splendid one to beholdCarrianne is a splendid one to beholdCarrianne is a splendid one to beholdCarrianne is a splendid one to beholdCarrianne is a splendid one to beholdCarrianne is a splendid one to behold
Default

I had a discussion with my Mother in Law yesterday who I am very close to.

I left my parents to move to Scotland to be with my now husband and they where 100% behind me. But missed me.


I felt sad has my dad has had cancer and had no partner at the time and felt I was leaving him alone. Since I left he got himself a girlfriend and is very happy.


My family and his mother are 100% behind us they say they will miss us like crazy but since I moved away I have actually become alot closer to my mum, as you e mail all the time and phone. His Dad on the other hand is gutted and doesn't beleive we will go even when we put our application in.

Sorry I don't want to waffle, I say always follow your instincts if Oz feel right for you then do it and although this sounds. You are not being selfish you have a life and you are entitled to live it. Not all parents depend on their children when they are older.

I have already told my parents that there is a new Parent Visa that they can apply for when they get abit older so they can come to be with you.

Good luck be strong.

Carrianne
Carrianne is offline  
Old Mar 9th 2003, 12:04 pm
  #5  
Just Joined
 
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 22
levelheaded is an unknown quantity at this point
Default Re: Am I being Selfish??

Originally posted by Tony Stroud
Hi

(I'm actually Tony's partner Claire)

This is in relation to Louise B's post. I don't have any children but am worried about leaving my Mum behind.

We have recently made the decision to apply for emigration to Aus - Tony has wanted to go for a long time but I wanted to do a lot more research first before making my decision.

However I now have to tell my Mum of my decision - which i have been trying to do for 2 weeks now. She was widowed 6 years ago and I feel selfish in my decision to leave her. She doesn't depend on me or anything and has another daughter and four grandchildren about an hour away who she sees regularly. But I know she will be devastated when I tell her and as she is a very proud woman she will probably say (after a few tears) that I shouldn't worry about her and that I should do what I feel I want to do. But I know that inside it will break her heart. She also has arthritis so would prob struggle with the plane journey - especially in later years - all of which I feel I need to consider. Should we not all be there for our parents when they get older and will need to depend on us?

I feel pretty silly writing this out to complete strangers in Agony Aunt stylee - but it is something that I am struggling with and wonder if anyone else feels the same or had trouble telling the family they were off.

Ta
Claire


Dear Claire,

16 years ago, I had a letter one morning from my Mother, to say that on the following week she would be leaving England and going to live in Spain. I was very hurt, not because they were going, but because she hadn't been up front with me. They have had 16 wonderful years over there and I am sure that it is down to there way of life now that they are so healthy in their 70's.
There have been many times that I have missed them, but I am used to it.

I now have decided to up sticks and go to Australia.
First of all, I told my parents straight away over the phone, and I felt an air of uneasiness for a while. But I have spoken about it every week when I have rung her and although in her mind they may think that it is a long way away, she has been okay about it.

Our other problem is, we have a 21 year old Daughter who is married and has a small daughter. That has been very difficult, but we told her straight away, because I didn't want to do anything behind her back. I want her to get used to the idea.
She was shocked and upset for a few weeks, but now says that she is pleased for us and she is looking forward to long holidays while her husband is away lambing on other farms.
Saying 'Goodbye' is not something I am looking forward too, and I would not want her to be at the airport seeing us off.
If it were her going, yes I would be upset, but you must take things from this life while you can, and I would wish her well.

Tell your parent, take the reaction on the chin, let it calm down and let them know how things are progressing.
levelheaded is offline  
Old Mar 9th 2003, 12:04 pm
  #6  
BE Enthusiast
 
Loopy's Avatar
 
Joined: Dec 2002
Location: Perth WA
Posts: 712
Loopy will become famous soon enoughLoopy will become famous soon enough
Default

It's such hard part of going isn't it. You feel almost like a traitor. I tried to turn it round and think how I would feel if it was one of my children leaving for the other side of the world - which of course is something we may have to face in the future. As long as they kept in regular contact and I knew what they were doing etc I think I would cope (I hope!).

Talking does help, our parents were unhappy with our decision but as time has gone on they are now able to talk about it without getting too upset (most of the time). Perhaps if you tell your mum sooner rather than later she will have more time to get used to the idea and you can make sure you spend plenty of time together before you go. Has she got a computer? That's something you could think about. We've made sure our three sets of parents are all on line and we must get their webcams up and running before we go.

You say you've been trying to tell your mum for two weeks, I think you've got to bite the bullet and do it soon, you'll feel a lot better once you have and you never know you could be surprised by her reaction.

hope it goes well

Loopy
Loopy is offline  
Old Mar 9th 2003, 2:14 pm
  #7  
No wuckin furries mate
 
brox's Avatar
 
Joined: Nov 2002
Location: Bunbury W.A
Posts: 204
brox is an unknown quantity at this point
Default

Hi

This topic is one we can relate to. We told Neils parents of our plans when we first applied. It didn,t go down very well, but that is another story.

We are now just about to get our visas (Bond has just been lodged) and we are trying to tell them that we might be gone in 2 months . Trying to find the right time is a nightmare. We are going to have to be quite hard and just tell them ASAP and hope for the best.

We are dreading the goodbyes as we have two children that adore them.

Good Luck, but expect a lot of tears.

Mrs Brox
brox is offline  
Old Mar 9th 2003, 2:28 pm
  #8  
BE Forum Addict
 
r.bartlett's Avatar
 
Joined: Dec 2002
Location: newbury
Posts: 1,015
r.bartlett has a brilliant futurer.bartlett has a brilliant futurer.bartlett has a brilliant futurer.bartlett has a brilliant futurer.bartlett has a brilliant futurer.bartlett has a brilliant future
Default

i've been told by my father 'you've got to make your own life'

sure they will miss you (hopefully ;-)

but life is a one shot chance and you can't not do something because your mother wouldn't like it...

tough but true

cheers

richard
r.bartlett is offline  
Old Mar 9th 2003, 2:42 pm
  #9  
Forum Regular
 
wombat's Avatar
 
Joined: Jan 2003
Location: Brisbane
Posts: 275
wombat is an unknown quantity at this point
Default Re: Am I being Selfish??

Originally posted by Tony Stroud
Hi

(I'm actually Tony's partner Claire)

This is in relation to Louise B's post. I don't have any children but am worried about leaving my Mum behind.

We have recently made the decision to apply for emigration to Aus - Tony has wanted to go for a long time but I wanted to do a lot more research first before making my decision.

However I now have to tell my Mum of my decision - which i have been trying to do for 2 weeks now. She was widowed 6 years ago and I feel selfish in my decision to leave her. She doesn't depend on me or anything and has another daughter and four grandchildren about an hour away who she sees regularly. But I know she will be devastated when I tell her and as she is a very proud woman she will probably say (after a few tears) that I shouldn't worry about her and that I should do what I feel I want to do. But I know that inside it will break her heart. She also has arthritis so would prob struggle with the plane journey - especially in later years - all of which I feel I need to consider. Should we not all be there for our parents when they get older and will need to depend on us?

I feel pretty silly writing this out to complete strangers in Agony Aunt stylee - but it is something that I am struggling with and wonder if anyone else feels the same or had trouble telling the family they were off.

Ta
Claire
Hi claire,
I know how you feel, Im an only child and i feel so bad about leaving my parents and taking their grandkids. i have been very honest with my parents right from the begining, and although they dont like what they hear i feel if i tell them everything, they will have more time to except the fact that maybe in 18 months time we might be living in australia and also if i hadnt have told them our plans straight away i would have felt like i was keeping secrets and lying to them. my parents were very shocked and upset when i told them but my dad is coming round to the idea now, mum is still very upset and she keeps trying to change my mind, my husbands parents are in complete denial. you cant live your life for your parents you have to do what you want to do,
and you will only be a plane ride,a phone call or an e-mail away.
wombat
wombat is offline  
Old Mar 9th 2003, 5:18 pm
  #10  
BE Enthusiast
 
andie's Avatar
 
Joined: Dec 2002
Location: kidderminster
Posts: 376
andie is an unknown quantity at this point
Default

im sure there will be lots of tears for us all but i think selfish, is the wrong word. we are going to experience a new life, a nicer future (hopefully) for our children. im sure family and friends will soon want to come out for free holidays. all our family are happy for us, but of course they dont want us to go, but its something we want to try, if we hate it we will come back. brisbane here we come...............
andie is offline  

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off


Contact Us - Archive - Advertising - Cookie Policy - Privacy Statement - Terms of Service -

Copyright © 2024 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved. Use of this site indicates your consent to the Terms of Use.