debbiemc

this is probably going to be a long one i'm afraid!! for those of you with teenagers, i'm sure you'll understand the stress they can cause!! well, i have 2 teens, beth 15, ryan 17 almost 18!

right, beth no probs really apart from her moods, she had a few traumas last year but has got over them well and seems quite happy now and looking forward to moving to aus. for some of you, you already know that i'm going through the courts at the moment because their dad is refusing to sign consent. go back to court at the end of feb and i've found out that he plans to appeal cos he knows the decision is going to be against him, thats before he's even seen the report!! ryan dosent know if he's staying and coming to aus which i respect, beth cant wait and will be 16 in the summer.(good relationship with ry not beth)

right, my kids, especially ryan are good kids, dont do drugs, never been in trouble with the police and people comment on what lovely kids i've got and how polite they are, which is great, BUT, they dont see behind the scenes, ryan is horrible, aggressive, loud and frightening!!!!! but its only with me!!

like a lot of teens he is a slob and extremely untidy, i dont just mean a few clothes scattered around, i mean, not seeing the carpet, rotting food, stench!! i refused to do anymore of his washing before christmas because i didnt know what was clean or dirty! so he hasnt done any sine well before christmas!! and he takes things without asking! he put all the clothes on the bed when i stripped it a couple of weeks ago, rather than sort it, he slept on the flooR!!!!

i have tried not to nag, but i go for so long and then it really bugs me so i ask for him to sort it. he just explodes, and i mean becomes aggressive, his voice is extremely loud and it makes me cower! not just about his bedroom, anything, i could ask him to put his plate in the sink, or move his shoes and he loses it!! he's admitted its only with me! but last night was just the final straw, we've got mice in the house ( i did tell him there was one in his room!!) so he agreed to sort it! fine.............then there dad rang the house phone, well, i hate him ringing here, he is a pig and the fact that beth might have to stand up in court now because of him, makes me sick, she cried when the caff cass worker came! so when she'd finished speaking with him, i asked the kids to tell him to phone their mobiles instead of the house phone because i dread answering it and it being him!!

Well.......bloody hell, ryan just went mental, not just raising his voice but f****** this and F***** that, which he's never done before. so that was the final straw, i told him that he needed to go and stop with his dad for a couple of weeks i just dont want him around. beth told me that he's had her by the neck before when she told him to get out of her room!! he did storm out and didnt come back, so i havent slept much. baz is livid and when he told him to calm it he told us both to f*** off!! he has not one ounce of respect for me or our home!

he definately needs some kind of angermanagement and I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO has anyone had any similar experiences if so how did you handle it? i'm going to call school this morning, they are worried because he's not handing work in and turning up for lessons and his a levels start this month!

i guess that if you read this essay, (sorry) then it might be because you've gone through something similar!? sorry to go on,

debbie

hilary6

Hi Debs sent you a pm xx

232Bar

Is this only since the move appeared on the scene - or did it start before - was the move a catalyst, does he not really want you to go because he isn't coming and this is acting out because of that?

debbiemc

have replied hilary.

i suppose it has got worse since the court case began because he made it quite clear he didnt want it to go to court, but we didnt have a choice.

the kids have met with their dad on more than one occasion and told him thats what they want and thats to go to oz, although if ryan gets onto the course he wants here he's staying, he'll be 18 in may and i respect his wishes. the timing of court is important due to their ages, schooling, uni/work! ryan wants the choice of coming or staying, no he's not upset at us going, he always said as soon as he was 18 he was off!

i've spoken with the school head who had no idea 'he's such a charming boy!!' shes going to have a word but theres nothing in school really, need to take him to gp!

possoms

Jeez Debs he's lashing out at you I guess cos he thinks all this is your fault, he needs to see someone can you get him to the GP? arrange for some councelling? Hope you can sort it out mate. PM or ring me if you want to.

Kay x

debbiemc

thanks kay, yeah, think will phone GP but need to speak with ryan first, if he agrees then its admitting he has a problem!

chat soon, now i'm definately off!!!

tiredwithtwins

sent you a pm debs

sue xx

Issie

I am sure he loves you alot.....you see i look at this way, how stressful is the migration process for us as adults, we can let off steam through our firends, having a drink or two or just coming on here and having a good old rant ( just as you have done). The poor fella ( i know he's been a ****) but even so probably feels he can talk to no one. If he goes he will upset his Dad and if he stays he will break your heart ! This is just what he is showing and i am sure he is so confused right now. I think you have done the right thing by letting him go to his Dads for a few weeks but i think you should try and get someone to mediate between the two off you ( not his Dad or you partner ) Maybe go see a councillor, someone who is not attacheted to either of you.

Good luck Deb ...hope it all works out for you xx

OriginalSunshine

ok - this is my take on things - could be completely out of whack

he's scared.

he's scared of moving abroad, he's scared of not moving abroad.
he's scared of losing you & his sister and he doesnt want to admit it. he's scared of being left in the UK alone, with no-one to help him from his dad.
he loves both his (birth) parents and is torn by having to show loyalty - he doesnt want to choose between you both but this move is making him choose.

I gather you have a (male) partner/husband that lives with you all? I know your son is only 17, but could your OH not take him down the pub and have a man2man chat over a few pints about what is going on inside your son's head?

NickyP

Hi there I have sent you a PM.
Your son is obviously scared but he needs to get some help before things get serously out of hand.
Good luck and feel free to PM me if you want.
Nicky

kerryinuk

Oh Deb, poor you but if its any consolation i had big problems from my eldest daughter 17- she changed from a quiet, very considerate and intelligent girl to a nasty mouthed slob literally overnight! She didn't have court pressures but had the nightmare boyfriend (1st love).The pressures of the visa coming closer made her worse and we/all of her family became sh** on her shoe! As parents we killed ourselves searching why we had been bad parents? where did we go wrong. Then she left the house and moved in with boyfriend in a bedsit!!! :scared: Here after weeks of tears and anger we stood back, she was 17 and legally you can do jack! it took longer than we thought but she came HOME . Now the tables have turned and she can't wait to go to oz. As a family we have all learned alot by this.

My advice you you Debbie is try to stand back or walk away if he is aggressive, even better close his bedroom door! it is his privacy and his pig sty.When he has no clean clothes he will know why. But i feel for him, to hear or see your parents divorcing/court is hell on earth! he may blame himself,he's in puberty,and feeling a failure at school,oz will drag him from his mates/his dad and to top all of this mum yells at him to clean his room.

With my daughter talking became non existent so i wrote to her and when she was alone i know she read them, i always backed of in her letters and told her how much i loved her and i would always be there no matter what she did or didn't and i reminded her of her future and when all the bad times were over we would have the good times again. This approach was strongly advised to me and i was at tit's end so i took the advice and god it worked. Not saying it will for you deb but it just may. Your in my thoughts and please inform me of how things are going .

kind regards Kerry

LIL MISS STEVIE

Hi im stevie im 15 n me family r goin through the same weirdly. Im 15 16 in march n me brothers 17 turning 18. At first he was all up 4 moving n i didnt want to but recently its changed. My brother had a new gfirlfriend and fell in love after a a month and he wasnt movin n then that ended and he wanted to move, suddenly he's got a new girlfriend and again he's in love and not moving. Hes changed, he thinks now he's 17 he can do what he wants!!! he shouts at my mum all the time and he treats her like second best well not even second. He recently walked out at xmas just to b with his girlfriend because after 2 weeks at sleeping at his hers or her sleeping here my mum said not tonight. We then found out that he was planning on goin aussi for 3 months n movin bk here to live with his girlfriend oh did i add her family decided this with him we didnt no. He is still being agressive and moody all the time and is only happy when he gets his own way. My mum doesnt want to leave him behind but he is sayin there is no way he is going, i want to go with me family (lil bro n sis and step dad)and so does she but she feels if she does people will judge her, so dont worry we know exactly what your going through!! I think its all to do with turning 17 and thinkin they can do what they want, if your daughter wants a chat we can exchange email addys and have a chat about how annoying brother are p.s we are moving to the goldcoast in 6months and hopefully by then he'll have come to his senses

debbiemc

just want to say thank you for all the replies and kind pm's. i've found out a bit more from his girlfriend this afternoon and just need to talk with him.

i cant reply to you posts at the minute cos i fell a bit weepy. not only that, i've just gone and slagged of my ex in front of my daughter and upset her now!!

will chat soon, thank you all again

debbie x

tiredwithtwins

what a fab post - it takes some courage to post like that, im sure debs got some comfort from it.
good on you girl.

debs - hope its not too crap for ya love. dont worry about slagging your ex off in front of your daughter - it does help sometimes for them to know how much stress the whole situation is putting on you, especially when you always maintain a dignified silence. men, like kids sometimes need to know how near the mark they are taking things - and you have such a lovely relationship with your daughter, she will understand.
chin up luv, let us know how you get on.
sue

debbiemc

thank you so much for that stevie, i will tell beth to contact you and will reply to your thread tommorow