Advice sought - when a loved one refuses to talk about your plans to emigrate.
Apr 11th 2005, 9:21 am
#1
In my own little world!
Thread Starter
Joined: Mar 2005
Location: Sydney
Posts: 2,062
Advice sought - when a loved one refuses to talk about your plans to emigrate.
I've flicked through a couple of historical threads that deal with the guilt and upset experiened by people when telling loved ones about their plans to emigrate, but my problem is slightly different - I simply cannot get my mother to talk to me about our going to Australia, and I am feeling mad as hell about this.
As an example, here's part of our telephone conversation yesterday afternoon:
ME: "Blah, blah, blah. Mum, we've almost finished our application now, so we'll have it lodged by the end of this month, and if all goes to plan, we could be looking at moving to Sydney by July next year, if not maybe slightly sooner."
MUM:" Oh, that's nice dear. Golly, do you know I've just noticed that we're going to have to do something about the clematis this year, it's in such a mess."
ME: "Mum, please don't change the subject. Can we talk about what I just said. "
Line goes quiet and I can hear her scuffling about at the other end.
ME: "Mum? Are you there. Can you hear me?"
MUM: "Of course I can. I'm just trying to find your step-father - I can't beleive he hasn't noticed this, half of it is hanging off the trellis. I tell you what, darling, I'll call you back later and we can have a longer chat then"
See what I mean? And guess what? She doesn't call back, when I call her, there's no reply (I know she's saying to my step-dad ' Oh, just let it ring. It will be one of those nasty cold-calls', and next time we speak, I'll have exactly the same kind of scenario as above. Same thing happened when I tried to bring the subject up last time we visited them - we started talking about it and all of a sudden, she started feeling ill and had to lie down. End of discussion.
Okay, I know there is something almost laughable about the whole thing, but I am honestly at a loss as to what to do. I know my Mother very well and inside she's hurting about this. This is not her way of trying to lay a guilt trip on me - not talking about things is her way of dealing with it because it's painful.
I've spoken to my sister who says that Mum has never mentioned anything about our emigration plans to her. It feels wrong of me to speak to my step-dad about it, as it puts him in a difficult situation and he'll be loyal to my Mother. Additionally, Mum's health is not great, she suffers from an illness which is excerbated by stress, and she can get quite fragile emotionally.
After yesterday, my other half says I should just let things lie and respect the fact that Mum clearly doesn't want to hear about it. But I find this ridiculous - the fact that we plan to move to the other side of the bloody world is too important to ignore. Am I wrong to push this with her? If she refuses to talk about it, should I just leave it? If anyone out there has had an a similar experience, I would so welcome your advice, or if you have any suggestions or observations on tackling this a different way, please let me know.
Regards,
Nicky
As an example, here's part of our telephone conversation yesterday afternoon:
ME: "Blah, blah, blah. Mum, we've almost finished our application now, so we'll have it lodged by the end of this month, and if all goes to plan, we could be looking at moving to Sydney by July next year, if not maybe slightly sooner."
MUM:" Oh, that's nice dear. Golly, do you know I've just noticed that we're going to have to do something about the clematis this year, it's in such a mess."
ME: "Mum, please don't change the subject. Can we talk about what I just said. "
Line goes quiet and I can hear her scuffling about at the other end.
ME: "Mum? Are you there. Can you hear me?"
MUM: "Of course I can. I'm just trying to find your step-father - I can't beleive he hasn't noticed this, half of it is hanging off the trellis. I tell you what, darling, I'll call you back later and we can have a longer chat then"
See what I mean? And guess what? She doesn't call back, when I call her, there's no reply (I know she's saying to my step-dad ' Oh, just let it ring. It will be one of those nasty cold-calls', and next time we speak, I'll have exactly the same kind of scenario as above. Same thing happened when I tried to bring the subject up last time we visited them - we started talking about it and all of a sudden, she started feeling ill and had to lie down. End of discussion.
Okay, I know there is something almost laughable about the whole thing, but I am honestly at a loss as to what to do. I know my Mother very well and inside she's hurting about this. This is not her way of trying to lay a guilt trip on me - not talking about things is her way of dealing with it because it's painful.
I've spoken to my sister who says that Mum has never mentioned anything about our emigration plans to her. It feels wrong of me to speak to my step-dad about it, as it puts him in a difficult situation and he'll be loyal to my Mother. Additionally, Mum's health is not great, she suffers from an illness which is excerbated by stress, and she can get quite fragile emotionally.
After yesterday, my other half says I should just let things lie and respect the fact that Mum clearly doesn't want to hear about it. But I find this ridiculous - the fact that we plan to move to the other side of the bloody world is too important to ignore. Am I wrong to push this with her? If she refuses to talk about it, should I just leave it? If anyone out there has had an a similar experience, I would so welcome your advice, or if you have any suggestions or observations on tackling this a different way, please let me know.
Regards,
Nicky
Apr 11th 2005, 9:31 am
#2
Joined: Apr 2004
Location: High up in Joondalup.
Posts: 4,228
Re: Advice sought - when a loved one refuses to talk about your plans to emigrate.
Originally Posted by Nicky & Dave
I've flicked through a couple of historical threads that deal with the guilt and upset experiened by people when telling loved ones about their plans to emigrate, but my problem is slightly different - I simply cannot get my mother to talk to me about our going to Australia, and I am feeling mad as hell about this.
As an example, here's part of our telephone conversation yesterday afternoon:
ME: "Blah, blah, blah. Mum, we've almost finished our application now, so we'll have it lodged by the end of this month, and if all goes to plan, we could be looking at moving to Sydney by July next year, if not maybe slightly sooner."
MUM:" Oh, that's nice dear. Golly, do you know I've just noticed that we're going to have to do something about the clematis this year, it's in such a mess."
ME: "Mum, please don't change the subject. Can we talk about what I just said. "
Line goes quiet and I can hear her scuffling about at the other end.
ME: "Mum? Are you there. Can you hear me?"
MUM: "Of course I can. I'm just trying to find your step-father - I can't beleive he hasn't noticed this, half of it is hanging off the trellis. I tell you what, darling, I'll call you back later and we can have a longer chat then"
See what I mean? And guess what? She doesn't call back, when I call her, there's no reply (I know she's saying to my step-dad ' Oh, just let it ring. It will be one of those nasty cold-calls', and next time we speak, I'll have exactly the same kind of scenario as above. Same thing happened when I tried to bring the subject up last time we visited them - we started talking about it and all of a sudden, she started feeling ill and had to lie down. End of discussion.
Okay, I know there is something almost laughable about the whole thing, but I am honestly at a loss as to what to do. I know my Mother very well and inside she's hurting about this. This is not her way of trying to lay a guilt trip on me - not talking about things is her way of dealing with it because it's painful.
I've spoken to my sister who says that Mum has never mentioned anything about our emigration plans to her. It feels wrong of me to speak to my step-dad about it, as it puts him in a difficult situation and he'll be loyal to my Mother. Additionally, Mum's health is not great, she suffers from an illness which is excerbated by stress, and she can get quite fragile emotionally.
After yesterday, my other half says I should just let things lie and respect the fact that Mum clearly doesn't want to hear about it. But I find this ridiculous - the fact that we plan to move to the other side of the bloody world is too important to ignore. Am I wrong to push this with her? If she refuses to talk about it, should I just leave it? If anyone out there has had an a similar experience, I would so welcome your advice, or if you have any suggestions or observations on tackling this a different way, please let me know.
Regards,
Nicky
As an example, here's part of our telephone conversation yesterday afternoon:
ME: "Blah, blah, blah. Mum, we've almost finished our application now, so we'll have it lodged by the end of this month, and if all goes to plan, we could be looking at moving to Sydney by July next year, if not maybe slightly sooner."
MUM:" Oh, that's nice dear. Golly, do you know I've just noticed that we're going to have to do something about the clematis this year, it's in such a mess."
ME: "Mum, please don't change the subject. Can we talk about what I just said. "
Line goes quiet and I can hear her scuffling about at the other end.
ME: "Mum? Are you there. Can you hear me?"
MUM: "Of course I can. I'm just trying to find your step-father - I can't beleive he hasn't noticed this, half of it is hanging off the trellis. I tell you what, darling, I'll call you back later and we can have a longer chat then"
See what I mean? And guess what? She doesn't call back, when I call her, there's no reply (I know she's saying to my step-dad ' Oh, just let it ring. It will be one of those nasty cold-calls', and next time we speak, I'll have exactly the same kind of scenario as above. Same thing happened when I tried to bring the subject up last time we visited them - we started talking about it and all of a sudden, she started feeling ill and had to lie down. End of discussion.
Okay, I know there is something almost laughable about the whole thing, but I am honestly at a loss as to what to do. I know my Mother very well and inside she's hurting about this. This is not her way of trying to lay a guilt trip on me - not talking about things is her way of dealing with it because it's painful.
I've spoken to my sister who says that Mum has never mentioned anything about our emigration plans to her. It feels wrong of me to speak to my step-dad about it, as it puts him in a difficult situation and he'll be loyal to my Mother. Additionally, Mum's health is not great, she suffers from an illness which is excerbated by stress, and she can get quite fragile emotionally.
After yesterday, my other half says I should just let things lie and respect the fact that Mum clearly doesn't want to hear about it. But I find this ridiculous - the fact that we plan to move to the other side of the bloody world is too important to ignore. Am I wrong to push this with her? If she refuses to talk about it, should I just leave it? If anyone out there has had an a similar experience, I would so welcome your advice, or if you have any suggestions or observations on tackling this a different way, please let me know.
Regards,
Nicky
Apr 11th 2005, 9:38 am
#3
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 151
Re: Advice sought - when a loved one refuses to talk about your plans to emigrate.
Hang in there. My parents and brother wouldn't talk about it. My brother still doesn't talk about it. He even remarked to my mum and dad "why are they selling their house". I ask you.
Mum and dad have now come around to the idea, I think they hoped something else would come along and we would forget about oz. Don't know why they thought that because we do tend to go for things and stick at them.
I have to say though now mum and dad can talk about it, it has made it easier for me. I know it will hurt like hell when it comes to leaving but it's what we want and we will make it work.
It will get easier for you when your mum comes round and I am sure she will in time. Leave her for now, that's what I did, they came to me in the end and started asking questions.
Good luck.
Shelley
Mum and dad have now come around to the idea, I think they hoped something else would come along and we would forget about oz. Don't know why they thought that because we do tend to go for things and stick at them.
I have to say though now mum and dad can talk about it, it has made it easier for me. I know it will hurt like hell when it comes to leaving but it's what we want and we will make it work.
It will get easier for you when your mum comes round and I am sure she will in time. Leave her for now, that's what I did, they came to me in the end and started asking questions.
Good luck.
Shelley
Apr 11th 2005, 9:39 am
#4
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Aug 2004
Location: Perth
Posts: 516
Re: Advice sought - when a loved one refuses to talk about your plans to emigrate.
Nicky,
Most of us go through some sort of this problem with family members, when we start this process. Its never easy for Mothers especially to think about losing their love ones. Grandchildren are even harder for them to except not seeing again. Your Mother is in the denial stage, and hopes if she noes not talk about it, it will all go away. There is no easy answer, but talk to her about key stages in the devlopment of your application only. Dont push the subject. See if your Sister can talk to her about it, as she can act as a go between. Alot of Parents also say they will never travel that far to come and see you, but this is also a trick to make you stay. Eventually they will come around and except your decision and hopefully come and see you. Telephone calls to Aus and UK are next to nothing, and web cams work really well, so she can see you all the time.
Good luck.
Most of us go through some sort of this problem with family members, when we start this process. Its never easy for Mothers especially to think about losing their love ones. Grandchildren are even harder for them to except not seeing again. Your Mother is in the denial stage, and hopes if she noes not talk about it, it will all go away. There is no easy answer, but talk to her about key stages in the devlopment of your application only. Dont push the subject. See if your Sister can talk to her about it, as she can act as a go between. Alot of Parents also say they will never travel that far to come and see you, but this is also a trick to make you stay. Eventually they will come around and except your decision and hopefully come and see you. Telephone calls to Aus and UK are next to nothing, and web cams work really well, so she can see you all the time.
Good luck.
Apr 11th 2005, 9:43 am
#5
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 6,360
Re: Advice sought - when a loved one refuses to talk about your plans to emigrate.
Try not to worry about it, Malc's Dad is just the same, Australia may as well not exist as far as he's concerned!!
I guess everyone has their own way of dealing with it and this is obviously there's...
I guess everyone has their own way of dealing with it and this is obviously there's...
Apr 11th 2005, 9:43 am
#6
In my own little world!
Thread Starter
Joined: Mar 2005
Location: Sydney
Posts: 2,062
Re: Advice sought - when a loved one refuses to talk about your plans to emigrate.
Originally Posted by kelli28
my M I L was a bit like that at first but we gave them plenty of time to get used to the idea now she thinks its great as one of the nieghbours has a son in sydney and now its the "in thing" to have a child in aus and shes got her airfare saved up now ready to come on hols with nieghbour and visit different parts staying with thier kids.
Nicky
Apr 11th 2005, 9:54 am
#7
Account Closed
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 7,172
Re: Advice sought - when a loved one refuses to talk about your plans to emigrate.
Originally Posted by Nicky & Dave
I've flicked through a couple of historical threads that deal with the guilt and upset experiened by people when telling loved ones about their plans to emigrate, but my problem is slightly different - I simply cannot get my mother to talk to me about our going to Australia, and I am feeling mad as hell about this.
As an example, here's part of our telephone conversation yesterday afternoon:
ME: "Blah, blah, blah. Mum, we've almost finished our application now, so we'll have it lodged by the end of this month, and if all goes to plan, we could be looking at moving to Sydney by July next year, if not maybe slightly sooner."
MUM:" Oh, that's nice dear. Golly, do you know I've just noticed that we're going to have to do something about the clematis this year, it's in such a mess."
ME: "Mum, please don't change the subject. Can we talk about what I just said. "
Line goes quiet and I can hear her scuffling about at the other end.
ME: "Mum? Are you there. Can you hear me?"
MUM: "Of course I can. I'm just trying to find your step-father - I can't beleive he hasn't noticed this, half of it is hanging off the trellis. I tell you what, darling, I'll call you back later and we can have a longer chat then"
See what I mean? And guess what? She doesn't call back, when I call her, there's no reply (I know she's saying to my step-dad ' Oh, just let it ring. It will be one of those nasty cold-calls', and next time we speak, I'll have exactly the same kind of scenario as above. Same thing happened when I tried to bring the subject up last time we visited them - we started talking about it and all of a sudden, she started feeling ill and had to lie down. End of discussion.
Okay, I know there is something almost laughable about the whole thing, but I am honestly at a loss as to what to do. I know my Mother very well and inside she's hurting about this. This is not her way of trying to lay a guilt trip on me - not talking about things is her way of dealing with it because it's painful.
I've spoken to my sister who says that Mum has never mentioned anything about our emigration plans to her. It feels wrong of me to speak to my step-dad about it, as it puts him in a difficult situation and he'll be loyal to my Mother. Additionally, Mum's health is not great, she suffers from an illness which is excerbated by stress, and she can get quite fragile emotionally.
After yesterday, my other half says I should just let things lie and respect the fact that Mum clearly doesn't want to hear about it. But I find this ridiculous - the fact that we plan to move to the other side of the bloody world is too important to ignore. Am I wrong to push this with her? If she refuses to talk about it, should I just leave it? If anyone out there has had an a similar experience, I would so welcome your advice, or if you have any suggestions or observations on tackling this a different way, please let me know.
Regards,
Nicky
As an example, here's part of our telephone conversation yesterday afternoon:
ME: "Blah, blah, blah. Mum, we've almost finished our application now, so we'll have it lodged by the end of this month, and if all goes to plan, we could be looking at moving to Sydney by July next year, if not maybe slightly sooner."
MUM:" Oh, that's nice dear. Golly, do you know I've just noticed that we're going to have to do something about the clematis this year, it's in such a mess."
ME: "Mum, please don't change the subject. Can we talk about what I just said. "
Line goes quiet and I can hear her scuffling about at the other end.
ME: "Mum? Are you there. Can you hear me?"
MUM: "Of course I can. I'm just trying to find your step-father - I can't beleive he hasn't noticed this, half of it is hanging off the trellis. I tell you what, darling, I'll call you back later and we can have a longer chat then"
See what I mean? And guess what? She doesn't call back, when I call her, there's no reply (I know she's saying to my step-dad ' Oh, just let it ring. It will be one of those nasty cold-calls', and next time we speak, I'll have exactly the same kind of scenario as above. Same thing happened when I tried to bring the subject up last time we visited them - we started talking about it and all of a sudden, she started feeling ill and had to lie down. End of discussion.
Okay, I know there is something almost laughable about the whole thing, but I am honestly at a loss as to what to do. I know my Mother very well and inside she's hurting about this. This is not her way of trying to lay a guilt trip on me - not talking about things is her way of dealing with it because it's painful.
I've spoken to my sister who says that Mum has never mentioned anything about our emigration plans to her. It feels wrong of me to speak to my step-dad about it, as it puts him in a difficult situation and he'll be loyal to my Mother. Additionally, Mum's health is not great, she suffers from an illness which is excerbated by stress, and she can get quite fragile emotionally.
After yesterday, my other half says I should just let things lie and respect the fact that Mum clearly doesn't want to hear about it. But I find this ridiculous - the fact that we plan to move to the other side of the bloody world is too important to ignore. Am I wrong to push this with her? If she refuses to talk about it, should I just leave it? If anyone out there has had an a similar experience, I would so welcome your advice, or if you have any suggestions or observations on tackling this a different way, please let me know.
Regards,
Nicky
Thank GOD its not just me this is happening to!!!!
My parents are totally in denial. They talk about the future as though we will still be here i.e. my dads 65th birthday next year, when our children go to senior school, plans for our house and all sorts. I dont mention it to them any more because it hangs in the air like a bad smell.
Also, my parents didnt want me to have any more children (i spend best part of 9 months in hospital every time as im bad at being pregnant!) . All of a sudden, they want me to have more children as a way of keeping me here - how bloody selfish is that!!!!??
They always used to maon about babysitting the girls (their opwn grandchildren!!) and now they are volunteering every other day (great says me!!) but they are just trying to blackmail us - it makes me want to go all the more if the truth be known!!
I do however feel guilty as i am only child thus our children are only grandchildren so its a huge dilema/guilt trip which ive got to deal with.
Youre not alone Nicky!!!!
Apr 11th 2005, 9:59 am
#8
~~~
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 1,849
Re: Advice sought - when a loved one refuses to talk about your plans to emigrate.
If your mum is delicate with her health and its likely to stress her to talk about it then I would carry on as you have been by letting her know how everything is progressing as it happens and not pushing it with her. Although she doesn't want to talk about it she is hearing it.
I'm sure that discussing your worrys with your step dad wouldn't been seen as putting him in a difficult one as both your concerns are for the same person and he may even be able to shed some light on things for you.
It will all be ok in the long run just stay positive
Good luck with your plans
Sel x
I'm sure that discussing your worrys with your step dad wouldn't been seen as putting him in a difficult one as both your concerns are for the same person and he may even be able to shed some light on things for you.
It will all be ok in the long run just stay positive
Good luck with your plans
Sel x
Apr 11th 2005, 10:07 am
#9
~~~
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 1,849
Re: Advice sought - when a loved one refuses to talk about your plans to emigrate.
Originally Posted by Rooksie
I do however feel guilty as i am only child thus our children are only grandchildren so its a huge dilema/guilt trip which ive got to deal with.
Youre not alone Nicky!!!!
Youre not alone Nicky!!!!
They make you want to bang your head against the wall
Its a huge case of taking you for granted just like we take them for granted - you have shaken there comfy world and now they are pulling out all the stops cos they dont want to lose you and the grandkids.
There strange little ways all boil down to the fact that they love us
Apr 11th 2005, 10:19 am
#10
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Aug 2004
Location: From Sidcup to Elanora...Sunny GC! 20/08/05
Posts: 2,075
Re: Advice sought - when a loved one refuses to talk about your plans to emigrate.
Me too!!
Everyone friends and family have been great....except my parents
we are so close to getting our visas and we`re dreading telling them if/when they come through. I`ve been open with them and told them at each stage what is happening (with no responce) they have said that they dont want to know and will deal with it once we get our visas 
....Does make me feel so guilty.
Sue x
Everyone friends and family have been great....except my parents
we are so close to getting our visas and we`re dreading telling them if/when they come through. I`ve been open with them and told them at each stage what is happening (with no responce) they have said that they dont want to know and will deal with it once we get our visas ....Does make me feel so guilty.Sue x
Apr 11th 2005, 10:19 am
#11
Is it the weekend yet?
Joined: Feb 2005
Location: Thirroul, NSW
Posts: 1,619
Re: Advice sought - when a loved one refuses to talk about your plans to emigrate.
I keep telling myself that it will get better, but at the moment it feels a bit hard to believe.
Every time I talk to my mum about leaving, her usual response is "oh, your still doing it then" or "still taking my grandchild away then" Its getting a bit hard to be tactful, especially when she lays the guilt trip on with a trowel.
Its getting to the point that I feel like the world worst daughter, and would call the whole thing off, just to call off the guilt trip. Its not going to happen though, we are still going, come hell or high water. I would eventually resent her if we stayed for her, she doesnt realise that though.
I can understand why she is upset, but wont accept the guilt trip, its not fair of her to do that to me.
Lets hope, by the time we get on the plane, she will understand why we are doing it, and be happy for us.
Its early days though, plenty of time for her to get used to it.
Parent huh!!
Bye
Claire
xx
Every time I talk to my mum about leaving, her usual response is "oh, your still doing it then" or "still taking my grandchild away then" Its getting a bit hard to be tactful, especially when she lays the guilt trip on with a trowel.
Its getting to the point that I feel like the world worst daughter, and would call the whole thing off, just to call off the guilt trip. Its not going to happen though, we are still going, come hell or high water. I would eventually resent her if we stayed for her, she doesnt realise that though.
I can understand why she is upset, but wont accept the guilt trip, its not fair of her to do that to me.
Lets hope, by the time we get on the plane, she will understand why we are doing it, and be happy for us.
Its early days though, plenty of time for her to get used to it.
Parent huh!!
Bye
Claire
xx
Apr 11th 2005, 10:23 am
#12
Account Closed
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 7,172
Re: Advice sought - when a loved one refuses to talk about your plans to emigrate.
Originally Posted by Anastasia Beaverhausen
I keep telling myself that it will get better, but at the moment it feels a bit hard to believe.
Every time I talk to my mum about leaving, her usual response is "oh, your still doing it then" or "still taking my grandchild away then" Its getting a bit hard to be tactful, especially when she lays the guilt trip on with a trowel.
Its getting to the point that I feel like the world worst daughter, and would call the whole thing off, just to call off the guilt trip. Its not going to happen though, we are still going, come hell or high water. I would eventually resent her if we stayed for her, she doesnt realise that though.
I can understand why she is upset, but wont accept the guilt trip, its not fair of her to do that to me.
Lets hope, by the time we get on the plane, she will understand why we are doing it, and be happy for us.
Its early days though, plenty of time for her to get used to it.
Parent huh!!
Bye
Claire
xx
Every time I talk to my mum about leaving, her usual response is "oh, your still doing it then" or "still taking my grandchild away then" Its getting a bit hard to be tactful, especially when she lays the guilt trip on with a trowel.
Its getting to the point that I feel like the world worst daughter, and would call the whole thing off, just to call off the guilt trip. Its not going to happen though, we are still going, come hell or high water. I would eventually resent her if we stayed for her, she doesnt realise that though.
I can understand why she is upset, but wont accept the guilt trip, its not fair of her to do that to me.
Lets hope, by the time we get on the plane, she will understand why we are doing it, and be happy for us.
Its early days though, plenty of time for her to get used to it.
Parent huh!!
Bye
Claire
xx
Apr 11th 2005, 10:28 am
#13
Crazy Cat Lady
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 65,493
Re: Advice sought - when a loved one refuses to talk about your plans to emigrate.
Originally Posted by Nicky & Dave
I've flicked through a couple of historical threads that deal with the guilt and upset experiened by people when telling loved ones about their plans to emigrate, but my problem is slightly different - I simply cannot get my mother to talk to me about our going to Australia, and I am feeling mad as hell about this.
As an example, here's part of our telephone conversation yesterday afternoon:
ME: "Blah, blah, blah. Mum, we've almost finished our application now, so we'll have it lodged by the end of this month, and if all goes to plan, we could be looking at moving to Sydney by July next year, if not maybe slightly sooner."
MUM:" Oh, that's nice dear. Golly, do you know I've just noticed that we're going to have to do something about the clematis this year, it's in such a mess."
ME: "Mum, please don't change the subject. Can we talk about what I just said. "
Line goes quiet and I can hear her scuffling about at the other end.
ME: "Mum? Are you there. Can you hear me?"
MUM: "Of course I can. I'm just trying to find your step-father - I can't beleive he hasn't noticed this, half of it is hanging off the trellis. I tell you what, darling, I'll call you back later and we can have a longer chat then"
See what I mean? And guess what? She doesn't call back, when I call her, there's no reply (I know she's saying to my step-dad ' Oh, just let it ring. It will be one of those nasty cold-calls', and next time we speak, I'll have exactly the same kind of scenario as above. Same thing happened when I tried to bring the subject up last time we visited them - we started talking about it and all of a sudden, she started feeling ill and had to lie down. End of discussion.
Okay, I know there is something almost laughable about the whole thing, but I am honestly at a loss as to what to do. I know my Mother very well and inside she's hurting about this. This is not her way of trying to lay a guilt trip on me - not talking about things is her way of dealing with it because it's painful.
I've spoken to my sister who says that Mum has never mentioned anything about our emigration plans to her. It feels wrong of me to speak to my step-dad about it, as it puts him in a difficult situation and he'll be loyal to my Mother. Additionally, Mum's health is not great, she suffers from an illness which is excerbated by stress, and she can get quite fragile emotionally.
After yesterday, my other half says I should just let things lie and respect the fact that Mum clearly doesn't want to hear about it. But I find this ridiculous - the fact that we plan to move to the other side of the bloody world is too important to ignore. Am I wrong to push this with her? If she refuses to talk about it, should I just leave it? If anyone out there has had an a similar experience, I would so welcome your advice, or if you have any suggestions or observations on tackling this a different way, please let me know.
Regards,
Nicky
As an example, here's part of our telephone conversation yesterday afternoon:
ME: "Blah, blah, blah. Mum, we've almost finished our application now, so we'll have it lodged by the end of this month, and if all goes to plan, we could be looking at moving to Sydney by July next year, if not maybe slightly sooner."
MUM:" Oh, that's nice dear. Golly, do you know I've just noticed that we're going to have to do something about the clematis this year, it's in such a mess."
ME: "Mum, please don't change the subject. Can we talk about what I just said. "
Line goes quiet and I can hear her scuffling about at the other end.
ME: "Mum? Are you there. Can you hear me?"
MUM: "Of course I can. I'm just trying to find your step-father - I can't beleive he hasn't noticed this, half of it is hanging off the trellis. I tell you what, darling, I'll call you back later and we can have a longer chat then"
See what I mean? And guess what? She doesn't call back, when I call her, there's no reply (I know she's saying to my step-dad ' Oh, just let it ring. It will be one of those nasty cold-calls', and next time we speak, I'll have exactly the same kind of scenario as above. Same thing happened when I tried to bring the subject up last time we visited them - we started talking about it and all of a sudden, she started feeling ill and had to lie down. End of discussion.
Okay, I know there is something almost laughable about the whole thing, but I am honestly at a loss as to what to do. I know my Mother very well and inside she's hurting about this. This is not her way of trying to lay a guilt trip on me - not talking about things is her way of dealing with it because it's painful.
I've spoken to my sister who says that Mum has never mentioned anything about our emigration plans to her. It feels wrong of me to speak to my step-dad about it, as it puts him in a difficult situation and he'll be loyal to my Mother. Additionally, Mum's health is not great, she suffers from an illness which is excerbated by stress, and she can get quite fragile emotionally.
After yesterday, my other half says I should just let things lie and respect the fact that Mum clearly doesn't want to hear about it. But I find this ridiculous - the fact that we plan to move to the other side of the bloody world is too important to ignore. Am I wrong to push this with her? If she refuses to talk about it, should I just leave it? If anyone out there has had an a similar experience, I would so welcome your advice, or if you have any suggestions or observations on tackling this a different way, please let me know.
Regards,
Nicky
Just carry on as you are. Keep her in the loop but don't expect questions or further comment. If she wants to change the subject, let her, when finished, talk about Aus again calmly. Don't order her to discuss it, she doesn't want to now.
She will come round but at the moment if you are only just getting your application in, it doesn't mean anything. Once you have the visa and have dates for moving etc and it's real, she will, I am sure come round eventually. Just don't let her have an excuse to say "but you don't tell me what is going on".
Apr 11th 2005, 10:33 am
#14
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Aug 2004
Location: From Sidcup to Elanora...Sunny GC! 20/08/05
Posts: 2,075
Re: Advice sought - when a loved one refuses to talk about your plans to emigrate.
Originally Posted by Anastasia Beaverhausen
I keep telling myself that it will get better, but at the moment it feels a bit hard to believe.
Every time I talk to my mum about leaving, her usual response is "oh, your still doing it then" or "still taking my grandchild away then" Its getting a bit hard to be tactful, especially when she lays the guilt trip on with a trowel.
Its getting to the point that I feel like the world worst daughter, and would call the whole thing off, just to call off the guilt trip. Its not going to happen though, we are still going, come hell or high water. I would eventually resent her if we stayed for her, she doesnt realise that though.
I can understand why she is upset, but wont accept the guilt trip, its not fair of her to do that to me.
Lets hope, by the time we get on the plane, she will understand why we are doing it, and be happy for us.
Its early days though, plenty of time for her to get used to it.
Parent huh!!
Bye
Claire
xx
Every time I talk to my mum about leaving, her usual response is "oh, your still doing it then" or "still taking my grandchild away then" Its getting a bit hard to be tactful, especially when she lays the guilt trip on with a trowel.
Its getting to the point that I feel like the world worst daughter, and would call the whole thing off, just to call off the guilt trip. Its not going to happen though, we are still going, come hell or high water. I would eventually resent her if we stayed for her, she doesnt realise that though.
I can understand why she is upset, but wont accept the guilt trip, its not fair of her to do that to me.
Lets hope, by the time we get on the plane, she will understand why we are doing it, and be happy for us.
Its early days though, plenty of time for her to get used to it.
Parent huh!!
Bye
Claire
xx
Well said Claire
mine said that they would`nt come over to see us 
dont want to fall out with them but I`m shocked how they have been.... they have just got to get used to it.Good luck all
Sue x
Apr 11th 2005, 10:37 am
#15
In my own little world!
Thread Starter
Joined: Mar 2005
Location: Sydney
Posts: 2,062
Re: Advice sought - when a loved one refuses to talk about your plans to emigrate.
Dear All,
Thanks so much for all of your responses and words of comfort. It does make me feel slightly better to hear from others who are/have been in the same boat.
I think that I will continue as I have been - telling her what's going on, where we are in the process etc - and hope that if I keep chipping away, she'll start to deal with it and get to a point where she feels able to talk about it with me.
I just have this vision of me being on the phone in a years time, saying 'So Mum, we fly out to Sydney tomorrow.' and Mum will be' Oh, that's nice, dear."!!! Bless her, I love her to bits though!
Hugs to you all,
Nicky
Thanks so much for all of your responses and words of comfort. It does make me feel slightly better to hear from others who are/have been in the same boat.
I think that I will continue as I have been - telling her what's going on, where we are in the process etc - and hope that if I keep chipping away, she'll start to deal with it and get to a point where she feels able to talk about it with me.
I just have this vision of me being on the phone in a years time, saying 'So Mum, we fly out to Sydney tomorrow.' and Mum will be' Oh, that's nice, dear."!!! Bless her, I love her to bits though!
Hugs to you all,
Nicky
