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advice please.. My wife does not want to move to Australia!

advice please.. My wife does not want to move to Australia!

Old Dec 4th 2002, 7:54 pm
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Angry advice please.. My wife does not want to move to Australia!

Advice needed please………

For the last 3 years I have planned to move my family to Brisbane. Originally my wife was not very interested but over time she agreed it was a good idea. So finally in November we spent 2 weeks over there “checking it out�. Although it felt a little foreign and the overall the cost of living was higher, we both loved it. But………..when we get back to NZ she tells me she is happy living here. We argued for a week until finally she admitted she didn’t want to leave her Father behind. Easily fixed, Her Dad can come to. No! He is one of these annoying Kiwi’s who bag Australia at any chance, and would never ever consider moving across the ditch and join the enemy!

Has anyone out there had a similar problem like this??

I would appreciate any advice, as I am pretty determined to move and am afraid I will do something silly soon.

Cheers to all.
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Old Dec 4th 2002, 9:20 pm
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Default Don't want to go!

I do feel for you! My husband was the first to bring up Australia about a year ago and I was really up for it, however the thought of leaving family and friends is really sad.

My daughter who is 16 didn't want to go at first and my son aged 8 did, now its the other way round. My son doesn't want to leave his nan or his friends. We decided to book a holiday out there and we hope that this will combat their fears. I am really close to my family but to be honest that is the only thing that I have to loose. We have a nice house in a nice area of town but we feel that it is now or never! We are young enough to make a go of it and family and friends can visit or we can go back to U.K. to visit.

I don't know if others are the same, some weeks I am really up for it, but some days I feel scared at the thought of changing all our lives so drastically. Mixed emotions.

I cannot offer the any wonder drug to change her mind but I'm sure there are alot of people out there who have been through the same dilemma. You can always go back if it doesn't work out.

Hope it works out.
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Old Dec 4th 2002, 10:27 pm
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Default Re: advice please.. My wife does not want to move to Australia!

Originally posted by ex kiwi
Advice needed please………

For the last 3 years I have planned to move my family to Brisbane. Originally my wife was not very interested but over time she agreed it was a good idea. So finally in November we spent 2 weeks over there “checking it out�. Although it felt a little foreign and the overall the cost of living was higher, we both loved it. But………..when we get back to NZ she tells me she is happy living here. We argued for a week until finally she admitted she didn’t want to leave her Father behind. Easily fixed, Her Dad can come to. No! He is one of these annoying Kiwi’s who bag Australia at any chance, and would never ever consider moving across the ditch and join the enemy!

Has anyone out there had a similar problem like this??

I would appreciate any advice, as I am pretty determined to move and am afraid I will do something silly soon.

Cheers to all.
Just be thankful you have such a good wife , I wish mine had rejected the move you do not know how lucky you are.

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Old Dec 4th 2002, 10:28 pm
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Default Re: advice please.. My wife does not want to move to Australia!

Originally posted by ex kiwi
Advice needed please………

For the last 3 years I have planned to move my family to Brisbane. Originally my wife was not very interested but over time she agreed it was a good idea. So finally in November we spent 2 weeks over there “checking it out�. Although it felt a little foreign and the overall the cost of living was higher, we both loved it. But………..when we get back to NZ she tells me she is happy living here. We argued for a week until finally she admitted she didn’t want to leave her Father behind. Easily fixed, Her Dad can come to. No! He is one of these annoying Kiwi’s who bag Australia at any chance, and would never ever consider moving across the ditch and join the enemy!

Has anyone out there had a similar problem like this??

I would appreciate any advice, as I am pretty determined to move and am afraid I will do something silly soon.

Cheers to all.
Unless the decision to move here is both yours and your wife's decision, I think you may have trouble further down the road.

My partner wanted one of his parents to come over to us in Brisbane and live with us, as he was, and is extremely worried about the parent. But this parent will not move, absolutely no way.. we've tried and tried to get this parent to move here. We have also been on the verge of going back home for years because of this parent. And, I'll usually end up getting the blame for anything which goes wrong back home, because it's me who thinks "we" should not put our life on hold for anyone. Which does sounds a bit selfish even to my own ears.If it was up to my partner we would have gone back home years ago because of this family member. So, when anything goes wrong back home, which it has done, I usually get the blame for us not being there.

What I'm trying to say, if you force your wife, and anything happens to her father back in NZ, guess who's going to get the blame. Moving needs to be both of your decisions, or I personally think it's going to be harder for both of you further down the track.

Perhaps you should work on the father seeing as he is her reason for not wanting to move. Try and talk him round before your wife... emotional blackmail him even! Say "you know your daughter is thinking of not going to Aus because she doesn't want to leave you".. tell him the truth. It may work. It didn't for me, but it may work for your father-in-law.. it's worth a try.
But I do think moving to another country needs to be 100% both of your decisions, it's hard moving at the best of times without having a partner which dosen't really want to go.. Try and talk to her father first or you may have problems further on.

If that fails.. just explain to your wife if things fail in Aus , or if she is unhappy in Aus "we" can go back home to NZ.

Good Luck
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Old Dec 4th 2002, 11:03 pm
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Default Re: advice please.. My wife does not want to move to Australia!

[QUOTE][SIZE=1]Originally posted by Ceri

My partner wanted one of his parents to come over to us in Brisbane and live with us, as he was, and is extremely worried about the parent. But this parent will not move, absolutely no way.. we've tried and tried to get this parent to move here. We have also been on the verge of going back home for years because of this parent. And, I'll usually end up getting the blame for anything which goes wrong back home, because it's me who thinks "we" should not put our life on hold for anyone. Which does sounds a bit selfish even to my own ears.If it was up to my partner we would have gone back home years ago because of this family member. So, when anything goes wrong back home, which it has done, I usually get the blame for us not being there.



Thanks for the advice Ceri. Your story sounds very familiar.

I only want to do whats right for my family (wife & kids), and like you get very frustrated with "other" family members having a say in our future.

Cheers again.

ps: PB, why don't you try moving to New Zealand chap? Say Invercargill. It has the same weather as the UK. You'll love it!
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Old Dec 4th 2002, 11:05 pm
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Default Re: advice please.. My wife does not want to move to Australia!

Originally posted by ex kiwi
Advice needed please………

For the last 3 years I have planned to move my family to Brisbane. Originally my wife was not very interested but over time she agreed it was a good idea. So finally in November we spent 2 weeks over there “checking it out�. Although it felt a little foreign and the overall the cost of living was higher, we both loved it. But………..when we get back to NZ she tells me she is happy living here. We argued for a week until finally she admitted she didn’t want to leave her Father behind. Easily fixed, Her Dad can come to. No! He is one of these annoying Kiwi’s who bag Australia at any chance, and would never ever consider moving across the ditch and join the enemy!

Has anyone out there had a similar problem like this??

I would appreciate any advice, as I am pretty determined to move and am afraid I will do something silly soon.

Cheers to all.
Surely it depends which you value most - your wife or australia??? The move from the UK to Oz definitely tested the strength of our 16 year old partnership, and luckily we seem to have come through it OK - just. My husband and I have agreed that our (nuclear) family is the most important thing in our lives - not where we are, but the fact that we are all together. If one goes, we all go...

Personally, none of the Kiwi's I've met here are annoying - they're all extremely friendly, helpful people... (In fact, if NZ wasn't even bloody further from the UK, we'd move there tomorrow!!!)
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Old Dec 4th 2002, 11:12 pm
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Default Re: advice please.. My wife does not want to move to Australia!

[QUOTE][SIZE=1]Originally posted by ex kiwi
Originally posted by Ceri

ps: PB, why don't you try moving to New Zealand chap? Say Invercargill. It has the same weather as the UK. You'll love it!

Weather has nothing to do with it but I do like the Kiwis a lot more than the Aussies , you lot are reguarded about the same as Poms here they might even think up a Kiwi joke that sounds funny one day if they had a brain.
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Old Dec 4th 2002, 11:34 pm
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Default Re: advice please.. My wife does not want to move to Australia!

It is very hard when it's a lone parent. I don't think there is an easy answer, you can stay back with your parent and put your life on hold, and probably end up with resentment of losing a missed opportunity. But you can also leave the parent, and then you feel guilty! especially if something happens. My relative, actually ended up in hospital, we didn't find out about it until later, because this person told other relatives not to phone us and worry us.
"we" still know that we will return to Britain in the next couple of years.. and it's got a lot to do with this parent. We've tried everything to get him out here., except for gagging , tying , and bundling him on to a plane,. but talk about stubborn! All the excuses "I won't last the flight" etc, etc. ... he'll probably out live me!

If only life was simple eh? you'll be damned if you do, damned if you don't. That's why I said it must be 100 per cent both your decisions.. because if anything goes wrong, you'll get one partner blaming the other.

cheers

Last edited by Ceri; Dec 4th 2002 at 11:41 pm.
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Old Dec 5th 2002, 9:45 am
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I sometimes argue with myself on whether Australia or Uk is the place to be. Hate to be arguing with someone else.

Now I've spent a quarter of my life in Oz (although I'm in the UK now) that's half my adult life ... half my career. My frame of reference is neither AngloIrish nor Australian ... but both.

I've come across quire a few couples who have gone to Oz where one person enjoys the move the other not. It must be a problem for a lot of folk.

I'd say you should do what you believe to be best for yourself and children.

Why not rent your NZ house out ... pay your OZ rent off with the proceeds and give it six months.

The other side of the coin is rather than you deciding whether its Australia or your Wife. Let the Wife decide if she wants to come with you or stay behind. That way she can't justifiable blame you if she regrets the decision.
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Old Dec 5th 2002, 10:19 am
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Default advice please.. My wife does not want to move

Don't push her into going if she's really unhappy about it.

Migration is always difficult, and will be much more difficult if both of you are not committed to it. If you insist on going you are, in effect, forcing her to choose between her husband and her father and, whichever choice she makes, she will resent you for putting her in that position. It could sour your relationship permanently.

This may not be something she will feel for a while but then get over. Remember that as time goes on her father will age, decline and eventually die, and she will blame herself for not being there with him, and you for putting her in that position.

She knows you want to go to Brisbane, and a part of her wants to go as well. It may the right thing for her to do to leave her father and make her own life on her own terms - in fact, I believe it is the right thing to do - but it has to be her decision for her life, not your decision for your life.
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Old Dec 5th 2002, 7:13 pm
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Talking Re: advice please.. My wife does not want to move

I would like to thank all the people who have replied to this post. All of your advice has been really helpful.

Obviously I should pull my head in and not be so impatient.

One question though:

Do most women base their decisions on emotions alone ????


Merry Christmas!
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Old Dec 5th 2002, 8:48 pm
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Default Re: advice please.. My wife does not want to move

No...Some of us are rational!!!

Having said that, isn't your 'desire' to go to Oz an emotion.....

You need to reach a compromise somehow...you could say we have the same situation in reverse and UK is much further away from Oz than NZ is to Oz. Try and see how you can achieve a win:win.

If you force, cajole, blackmail someone in to doing something against their will, they will blame and resent you for every misfortune, male or female...

Good Luck..
Mash...


Originally posted by ex kiwi
I would like to thank all the people who have replied to this post. All of your advice has been really helpful.

Obviously I should pull my head in and not be so impatient.

One question though:

Do most women base their decisions on emotions alone ????


Merry Christmas!
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Old Dec 6th 2002, 1:51 pm
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She's not basing her decision on "emotions alone". She's basing it on the importance to her of her relationship with her father. And having good relationships with those who are close to you is far, far more important to living a happy life than anything else.

Your wife is being entirely rational.
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Old Dec 7th 2002, 9:27 am
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Default Re: advice please.. My wife does not want to move

Originally posted by mashiraz

If you force, cajole, blackmail someone in to doing something against their will, they will blame and resent you for every misfortune, male or female...

Good Luck..
Mash...
Very true, but if it's good for the goose it's good for the gander. You may end up blaming and resenting your wife for not allowing you to move.

Hope you guys work it out

DPR
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