Advice needed…..parents + child psychologists!
Jun 30th 2004, 2:14 am
#1
A Male Member
Thread Starter
Joined: Apr 2003
Location: Townsville
Posts: 2,106
Advice needed…..parents + child psychologists!
I’ll explain a bit of history first…
My niece is 7 years old. Her father (my B-I-L) wan’ts nothing to do with her….Her mother has recently decided she does’nt either and has moved to Adelaide, and has left her with my in laws, who are a nice quiet couple in their late 50’s. It was that or let her go into foster care….
Now the problem is that the kid is 70% angel, and 30% super demon. Most of the time she is great, cute helpful and nice. The problem comes when you ask her to do something, like get ready for and go to bed, or get ready for school. She turns almost instantly into a little devil. She screams shouts, hits, breaks stuff, the works. She is a big 7 year old (in build, not fat), and she has bruised the inlaws and my wifes aunt several times. Once she gets into one of these fits of rage it is difficult to calm her down. She will (begrudgingly) listen to me, and I think its because I am rather stern with her, and being a 6 foot bloke I think she is a little scared of me. I’m not around much of the time though, and she basically walks all over the inlaws when myself and my wife aren’t there. Its also like a deadly circle, because they can’t get her to bed until very late (11pm, to 1am norm – after 4 hours of trying), which makes her more and more tired.
The problem obviously stems from lots of things, such as neither parent wanting any part of her, and the haphazard way her mum brought her up when she did.
My inlaws don’t seem to want to punish her, because she has, and is, having a hard life. I believe that this is actually bad for her in many ways. Her behaviour is basically just spiralling out of control. All they do is try to reason with her, and its making them tired, stressed, and regularly late for work/appointments.
My question for any parents out there, is what do we do? What kind of position should the inlaws take? Continue with the reasoning? Or take a firmer hand? They are considering consulting a child psych.
My guess would be to be harder on her (within reason), but I have never been a parent, hence my seeking advice.
I had much help when I was moving to aus from this forum, so I thought I would post it here. Sorry its so off topic. On the other hand…..its so much like an episode from Neighbours its almost on topic!!
ANY advice will be greatly appreciated.
Uncle Pete.
My niece is 7 years old. Her father (my B-I-L) wan’ts nothing to do with her….Her mother has recently decided she does’nt either and has moved to Adelaide, and has left her with my in laws, who are a nice quiet couple in their late 50’s. It was that or let her go into foster care….
Now the problem is that the kid is 70% angel, and 30% super demon. Most of the time she is great, cute helpful and nice. The problem comes when you ask her to do something, like get ready for and go to bed, or get ready for school. She turns almost instantly into a little devil. She screams shouts, hits, breaks stuff, the works. She is a big 7 year old (in build, not fat), and she has bruised the inlaws and my wifes aunt several times. Once she gets into one of these fits of rage it is difficult to calm her down. She will (begrudgingly) listen to me, and I think its because I am rather stern with her, and being a 6 foot bloke I think she is a little scared of me. I’m not around much of the time though, and she basically walks all over the inlaws when myself and my wife aren’t there. Its also like a deadly circle, because they can’t get her to bed until very late (11pm, to 1am norm – after 4 hours of trying), which makes her more and more tired.
The problem obviously stems from lots of things, such as neither parent wanting any part of her, and the haphazard way her mum brought her up when she did.
My inlaws don’t seem to want to punish her, because she has, and is, having a hard life. I believe that this is actually bad for her in many ways. Her behaviour is basically just spiralling out of control. All they do is try to reason with her, and its making them tired, stressed, and regularly late for work/appointments.
My question for any parents out there, is what do we do? What kind of position should the inlaws take? Continue with the reasoning? Or take a firmer hand? They are considering consulting a child psych.
My guess would be to be harder on her (within reason), but I have never been a parent, hence my seeking advice.
I had much help when I was moving to aus from this forum, so I thought I would post it here. Sorry its so off topic. On the other hand…..its so much like an episode from Neighbours its almost on topic!!
ANY advice will be greatly appreciated.
Uncle Pete.
Jun 30th 2004, 3:28 am
#2
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Dec 2002
Location: Melbourne
Posts: 805
I'm no child psychologist, but we've found with our 5 year old daughter that a reward chart does wonders.
We give her an achievable goal (like more ticks than crosses - ticks being for when she does something good i.e. going to bed on time and crosses mean that we've had to ask her more than 3 times to do something, etc) and at the end of the week we count up and if there are more ticks than crosses then she can buy something from the toy shop (within a reasonable price) or get a treat of some kind.
I'm not sure if this is a bribe or not, but at the moment it does seem to work for us.
I can only sympathise with the child as it must be horrible to know that neither of your parents want you.
We give her an achievable goal (like more ticks than crosses - ticks being for when she does something good i.e. going to bed on time and crosses mean that we've had to ask her more than 3 times to do something, etc) and at the end of the week we count up and if there are more ticks than crosses then she can buy something from the toy shop (within a reasonable price) or get a treat of some kind.
I'm not sure if this is a bribe or not, but at the moment it does seem to work for us.
I can only sympathise with the child as it must be horrible to know that neither of your parents want you.
Jun 30th 2004, 3:31 am
#3
Guest
Posts: n/a
Re: Advice needed…..parents + child psychologists!
Originally posted by PeteY
My question for any parents out there, is what do we do? What kind of position should the inlaws take? Continue with the reasoning? Or take a firmer hand? They are considering consulting a child psych.
My question for any parents out there, is what do we do? What kind of position should the inlaws take? Continue with the reasoning? Or take a firmer hand? They are considering consulting a child psych.
Definetely seek specialist help, even if just to get guidance and re-assurance.
I never wanted to be firm with my child, but I did soon learn, that it does help. So I would think that they will need to find a way to become firmer, but still with a very high emphasis on love.
The child needs to feel loved and wanted even when being told off, especially in this particular case.
I'm no specialist, but I reckon I needed one when I was a child
Jun 30th 2004, 3:40 am
#4
Guest
Posts: n/a
I worked with kids whom had behavioural problems for 10 years and the rewards system def works.
reward good behaviour with treats and praise.
its very important to let your neice know that when she misbehaves its her behavior you are rejecting and not her.
The poor soul has been through alot and is probably testing your commitment to her.
ie. Will they also walkout and leave me. Will I be rejected once again.
Always make sure you praise her when she has been good and give her lots of cuddles.
It may take a long time and can be very exhausting but you are doing her good already by just being there in her life.
She needs consistency.
Mags
reward good behaviour with treats and praise.
its very important to let your neice know that when she misbehaves its her behavior you are rejecting and not her.
The poor soul has been through alot and is probably testing your commitment to her.
ie. Will they also walkout and leave me. Will I be rejected once again.
Always make sure you praise her when she has been good and give her lots of cuddles.
It may take a long time and can be very exhausting but you are doing her good already by just being there in her life.
She needs consistency.
Mags
Jun 30th 2004, 3:47 am
#5
Just Joined
Joined: May 2004
Location: Perth wa
Posts: 8
Re: Advice needed…..parents + child psychologists!
Dear Pete,
This is a tough one, so I'll give you my advice although the subject is very complicated.
I'm a parent of 2 boys ages 10 and 8.Our family unit is very stable and what you would call "normal", and I think it's the hardest job in the world. But my basic beliefs are children need heaps of love, positivity to maintain their self esteem and confidence, and very importantly boundaries. Boundaries give children a sense of security, even if they don't like them they know where they stand.
If you take these boundaries away , then this is when behaviour can spiral out of control, because the child doesn't have anything to grip on to and basically doesn't have the skills to stand back and say" hey this isn't right" This is where parents responsibilities lie.
However, in your neices case, the control seems to have either never been there or lost along time ago. She's definately angry and greiving for her loss of family unit, but I think the bull needs to be taken by the horns and calmed, loved and wrapped in some boundaries to make her feel safe. Your in laws must be exhausted and I agree some outside help would be beneficial as this would be objective not subjective. Children tend to open up a bit more to a non involved third party. Reforming habits is the name of the game and in kids, if your tough you can usually turn a habit around in a few weeks.
Sorry to be personal, I know you said you had no kids but have you thought of taking her. Even though she's a girl a male role model is extremely important.
Basically as a non professional, give her loads of love and boudaries.
Hope this helps you in some way.
Gail
This is a tough one, so I'll give you my advice although the subject is very complicated.
I'm a parent of 2 boys ages 10 and 8.Our family unit is very stable and what you would call "normal", and I think it's the hardest job in the world. But my basic beliefs are children need heaps of love, positivity to maintain their self esteem and confidence, and very importantly boundaries. Boundaries give children a sense of security, even if they don't like them they know where they stand.
If you take these boundaries away , then this is when behaviour can spiral out of control, because the child doesn't have anything to grip on to and basically doesn't have the skills to stand back and say" hey this isn't right" This is where parents responsibilities lie.
However, in your neices case, the control seems to have either never been there or lost along time ago. She's definately angry and greiving for her loss of family unit, but I think the bull needs to be taken by the horns and calmed, loved and wrapped in some boundaries to make her feel safe. Your in laws must be exhausted and I agree some outside help would be beneficial as this would be objective not subjective. Children tend to open up a bit more to a non involved third party. Reforming habits is the name of the game and in kids, if your tough you can usually turn a habit around in a few weeks.
Sorry to be personal, I know you said you had no kids but have you thought of taking her. Even though she's a girl a male role model is extremely important.
Basically as a non professional, give her loads of love and boudaries.
Hope this helps you in some way.
Gail
Originally posted by PeteY
I’ll explain a bit of history first…
My niece is 7 years old. Her father (my B-I-L) wan’ts nothing to do with her….Her mother has recently decided she does’nt either and has moved to Adelaide, and has left her with my in laws, who are a nice quiet couple in their late 50’s. It was that or let her go into foster care….
Now the problem is that the kid is 70% angel, and 30% super demon. Most of the time she is great, cute helpful and nice. The problem comes when you ask her to do something, like get ready for and go to bed, or get ready for school. She turns almost instantly into a little devil. She screams shouts, hits, breaks stuff, the works. She is a big 7 year old (in build, not fat), and she has bruised the inlaws and my wifes aunt several times. Once she gets into one of these fits of rage it is difficult to calm her down. She will (begrudgingly) listen to me, and I think its because I am rather stern with her, and being a 6 foot bloke I think she is a little scared of me. I’m not around much of the time though, and she basically walks all over the inlaws when myself and my wife aren’t there. Its also like a deadly circle, because they can’t get her to bed until very late (11pm, to 1am norm – after 4 hours of trying), which makes her more and more tired.
The problem obviously stems from lots of things, such as neither parent wanting any part of her, and the haphazard way her mum brought her up when she did.
My inlaws don’t seem to want to punish her, because she has, and is, having a hard life. I believe that this is actually bad for her in many ways. Her behaviour is basically just spiralling out of control. All they do is try to reason with her, and its making them tired, stressed, and regularly late for work/appointments.
My question for any parents out there, is what do we do? What kind of position should the inlaws take? Continue with the reasoning? Or take a firmer hand? They are considering consulting a child psych.
My guess would be to be harder on her (within reason), but I have never been a parent, hence my seeking advice.
I had much help when I was moving to aus from this forum, so I thought I would post it here. Sorry its so off topic. On the other hand…..its so much like an episode from Neighbours its almost on topic!!
ANY advice will be greatly appreciated.
Uncle Pete.
I’ll explain a bit of history first…
My niece is 7 years old. Her father (my B-I-L) wan’ts nothing to do with her….Her mother has recently decided she does’nt either and has moved to Adelaide, and has left her with my in laws, who are a nice quiet couple in their late 50’s. It was that or let her go into foster care….
Now the problem is that the kid is 70% angel, and 30% super demon. Most of the time she is great, cute helpful and nice. The problem comes when you ask her to do something, like get ready for and go to bed, or get ready for school. She turns almost instantly into a little devil. She screams shouts, hits, breaks stuff, the works. She is a big 7 year old (in build, not fat), and she has bruised the inlaws and my wifes aunt several times. Once she gets into one of these fits of rage it is difficult to calm her down. She will (begrudgingly) listen to me, and I think its because I am rather stern with her, and being a 6 foot bloke I think she is a little scared of me. I’m not around much of the time though, and she basically walks all over the inlaws when myself and my wife aren’t there. Its also like a deadly circle, because they can’t get her to bed until very late (11pm, to 1am norm – after 4 hours of trying), which makes her more and more tired.
The problem obviously stems from lots of things, such as neither parent wanting any part of her, and the haphazard way her mum brought her up when she did.
My inlaws don’t seem to want to punish her, because she has, and is, having a hard life. I believe that this is actually bad for her in many ways. Her behaviour is basically just spiralling out of control. All they do is try to reason with her, and its making them tired, stressed, and regularly late for work/appointments.
My question for any parents out there, is what do we do? What kind of position should the inlaws take? Continue with the reasoning? Or take a firmer hand? They are considering consulting a child psych.
My guess would be to be harder on her (within reason), but I have never been a parent, hence my seeking advice.
I had much help when I was moving to aus from this forum, so I thought I would post it here. Sorry its so off topic. On the other hand…..its so much like an episode from Neighbours its almost on topic!!
ANY advice will be greatly appreciated.
Uncle Pete.
Jun 30th 2004, 5:08 am
#6
Keeping it fairly real
Joined: Jun 2004
Location: In the sun
Posts: 32,863
Re: Advice needed…..parents + child psychologists!
Originally posted by PeteY
I’ll explain a bit of history first…
My niece is 7 years old. Her father (my B-I-L) wan’ts nothing to do with her….Her mother has recently decided she does’nt either and has moved to Adelaide, and has left her with my in laws, who are a nice quiet couple in their late 50’s. It was that or let her go into foster care….
Now the problem is that the kid is 70% angel, and 30% super demon. Most of the time she is great, cute helpful and nice. The problem comes when you ask her to do something, like get ready for and go to bed, or get ready for school. She turns almost instantly into a little devil. She screams shouts, hits, breaks stuff, the works. She is a big 7 year old (in build, not fat), and she has bruised the inlaws and my wifes aunt several times. Once she gets into one of these fits of rage it is difficult to calm her down. She will (begrudgingly) listen to me, and I think its because I am rather stern with her, and being a 6 foot bloke I think she is a little scared of me. I’m not around much of the time though, and she basically walks all over the inlaws when myself and my wife aren’t there. Its also like a deadly circle, because they can’t get her to bed until very late (11pm, to 1am norm – after 4 hours of trying), which makes her more and more tired.
The problem obviously stems from lots of things, such as neither parent wanting any part of her, and the haphazard way her mum brought her up when she did.
My inlaws don’t seem to want to punish her, because she has, and is, having a hard life. I believe that this is actually bad for her in many ways. Her behaviour is basically just spiralling out of control. All they do is try to reason with her, and its making them tired, stressed, and regularly late for work/appointments.
My question for any parents out there, is what do we do? What kind of position should the inlaws take? Continue with the reasoning? Or take a firmer hand? They are considering consulting a child psych.
My guess would be to be harder on her (within reason), but I have never been a parent, hence my seeking advice.
I had much help when I was moving to aus from this forum, so I thought I would post it here. Sorry its so off topic. On the other hand…..its so much like an episode from Neighbours its almost on topic!!
ANY advice will be greatly appreciated.
Uncle Pete.
I’ll explain a bit of history first…
My niece is 7 years old. Her father (my B-I-L) wan’ts nothing to do with her….Her mother has recently decided she does’nt either and has moved to Adelaide, and has left her with my in laws, who are a nice quiet couple in their late 50’s. It was that or let her go into foster care….
Now the problem is that the kid is 70% angel, and 30% super demon. Most of the time she is great, cute helpful and nice. The problem comes when you ask her to do something, like get ready for and go to bed, or get ready for school. She turns almost instantly into a little devil. She screams shouts, hits, breaks stuff, the works. She is a big 7 year old (in build, not fat), and she has bruised the inlaws and my wifes aunt several times. Once she gets into one of these fits of rage it is difficult to calm her down. She will (begrudgingly) listen to me, and I think its because I am rather stern with her, and being a 6 foot bloke I think she is a little scared of me. I’m not around much of the time though, and she basically walks all over the inlaws when myself and my wife aren’t there. Its also like a deadly circle, because they can’t get her to bed until very late (11pm, to 1am norm – after 4 hours of trying), which makes her more and more tired.
The problem obviously stems from lots of things, such as neither parent wanting any part of her, and the haphazard way her mum brought her up when she did.
My inlaws don’t seem to want to punish her, because she has, and is, having a hard life. I believe that this is actually bad for her in many ways. Her behaviour is basically just spiralling out of control. All they do is try to reason with her, and its making them tired, stressed, and regularly late for work/appointments.
My question for any parents out there, is what do we do? What kind of position should the inlaws take? Continue with the reasoning? Or take a firmer hand? They are considering consulting a child psych.
My guess would be to be harder on her (within reason), but I have never been a parent, hence my seeking advice.
I had much help when I was moving to aus from this forum, so I thought I would post it here. Sorry its so off topic. On the other hand…..its so much like an episode from Neighbours its almost on topic!!
ANY advice will be greatly appreciated.
Uncle Pete.
This child needs to get professional help as a matter of urgency before she gets older as a lot of damage has been done already.
Lack of boundaries, dealing with separation and loss and no evidence of attachment to her parents is a huge thing for her to handle and frustrations are evident .
Star charts, reward charts, behaviour charts, the list goes on and they work to some degree but the in laws need some guidance on how to manage these things.
Hope this helps
Walla
Jun 30th 2004, 5:16 am
#7
Rocket Scientist
Joined: Aug 2003
Location: Dreamland AKA Brisbane which is a different country to the UK
Posts: 6,911
Re: Advice needed…..parents + child psychologists!
Originally posted by walla1
Hi
This child needs to get professional help as a matter of urgency before she gets older as a lot of damage has been done already.
Lack of boundaries, dealing with separation and loss and no evidence of attachment to her parents is a huge thing for her to handle and frustrations are evident .
Star charts, reward charts, behaviour charts, the list goes on and they work to some degree but the in laws need some guidance on how to manage these things.
Hope this helps
Walla
Hi
This child needs to get professional help as a matter of urgency before she gets older as a lot of damage has been done already.
Lack of boundaries, dealing with separation and loss and no evidence of attachment to her parents is a huge thing for her to handle and frustrations are evident .
Star charts, reward charts, behaviour charts, the list goes on and they work to some degree but the in laws need some guidance on how to manage these things.
Hope this helps
Walla
Get help - both for her & your inlaws ASAP.
Jun 30th 2004, 5:31 am
#8
Joined: Dec 2003
Location: Hillarys, Perth
Posts: 3,973
My two cents...
I agree with everyone so far in the way that your in-laws do need some outside help.
This child needs to feel that she is loved and wanted in such a bad way and obviously normal tactics will not work just yet.
Boundries need to be established and stuck to in as loving a way as possible. A councelor or psycologist can help wonders with that.
I'm no professional but I disagree with the treats and toys as rewards... I think this leads to a teenager who refuses to behave unless they are "bought off" and as teenagers.. the toys get MUCH more expensive.
Rewards (IMHO) should be lots of praise, attention and personal time.
I.e We will DO something together that is fun - go to park, play a game she really likes, go to a museum or science fair etc.. anything that sparks her interest! The emphasis being on the one-on-one atttention and special time rather than the immediate gratification (and immediately forgotten) toy or sweet.
Anyhooo... as I said, I'm no professional but I do wish you and your in-laws the best of luck and sincerly hope that your neice feels the love around her... if not from her parents, than from her grandparents and an obviously caring uncle.
I agree with everyone so far in the way that your in-laws do need some outside help.
This child needs to feel that she is loved and wanted in such a bad way and obviously normal tactics will not work just yet.
Boundries need to be established and stuck to in as loving a way as possible. A councelor or psycologist can help wonders with that.
I'm no professional but I disagree with the treats and toys as rewards... I think this leads to a teenager who refuses to behave unless they are "bought off" and as teenagers.. the toys get MUCH more expensive.
Rewards (IMHO) should be lots of praise, attention and personal time.
I.e We will DO something together that is fun - go to park, play a game she really likes, go to a museum or science fair etc.. anything that sparks her interest! The emphasis being on the one-on-one atttention and special time rather than the immediate gratification (and immediately forgotten) toy or sweet.
Anyhooo... as I said, I'm no professional but I do wish you and your in-laws the best of luck and sincerly hope that your neice feels the love around her... if not from her parents, than from her grandparents and an obviously caring uncle.
Jun 30th 2004, 5:59 am
#9
Keeping it fairly real
Joined: Jun 2004
Location: In the sun
Posts: 32,863
Originally posted by Siren
My two cents...
I agree with everyone so far in the way that your in-laws do need some outside help.
This child needs to feel that she is loved and wanted in such a bad way and obviously normal tactics will not work just yet.
Boundries need to be established and stuck to in as loving a way as possible. A councelor or psycologist can help wonders with that.
I'm no professional but I disagree with the treats and toys as rewards... I think this leads to a teenager who refuses to behave unless they are "bought off" and as teenagers.. the toys get MUCH more expensive.
Rewards (IMHO) should be lots of praise, attention and personal time.
I.e We will DO something together that is fun - go to park, play a game she really likes, go to a museum or science fair etc.. anything that sparks her interest! The emphasis being on the one-on-one atttention and special time rather than the immediate gratification (and immediately forgotten) toy or sweet.
Anyhooo... as I said, I'm no professional but I do wish you and your in-laws the best of luck and sincerly hope that your neice feels the love around her... if not from her parents, than from her grandparents and an obviously caring uncle.
My two cents...
I agree with everyone so far in the way that your in-laws do need some outside help.
This child needs to feel that she is loved and wanted in such a bad way and obviously normal tactics will not work just yet.
Boundries need to be established and stuck to in as loving a way as possible. A councelor or psycologist can help wonders with that.
I'm no professional but I disagree with the treats and toys as rewards... I think this leads to a teenager who refuses to behave unless they are "bought off" and as teenagers.. the toys get MUCH more expensive.
Rewards (IMHO) should be lots of praise, attention and personal time.
I.e We will DO something together that is fun - go to park, play a game she really likes, go to a museum or science fair etc.. anything that sparks her interest! The emphasis being on the one-on-one atttention and special time rather than the immediate gratification (and immediately forgotten) toy or sweet.
Anyhooo... as I said, I'm no professional but I do wish you and your in-laws the best of luck and sincerly hope that your neice feels the love around her... if not from her parents, than from her grandparents and an obviously caring uncle.
I hear what you say and agree with most, especially the one to one suggestion, so without reaching for my uni essays............
Reward charts can help greatly, we have to remember it appears that this child has had none of the things most children have had in their formative years. Love, affection, praise, feeling valued etc. Her emotional development has been impaired.
Oh, I'm getting into nature nurture theories!! Must stop.
Reward charts to some extent can make children feel valued and teach right from wrong. I'm not suggesting for one minute that reward charts carry on into teenage years, as I agree it would be a very expensive reward scheme to say the least!!
It's only in the first instance in what will be a hard and difficult road ahead for child and in laws.
Counselling and psychology will play a major part too so agree again.
Walla
Jun 30th 2004, 8:38 am
#10
Crazy Cat Lady
Joined: Apr 2004
Posts: 65,493
Re: Advice needed…..parents + child psychologists!
I can only agree with the majority above. She definitely needs to know where her boundaries are. Without professional help, I don't think your in-laws (if never having faced such problems before) would know where to start. They probably feel really guilty and need help to stop that, then the loving should kick in and hopefully she will settle down.
All the luck in the world.
All the luck in the world.
Jun 30th 2004, 9:22 am
#11
Dancing Queen
Joined: Jun 2004
Location: Clevehole, Brissyvegas
Posts: 467
Some excellent and sensible advice.
The worst thing a lot of parents do is overcompensate, i.e. chuck material things at a kid or let them riot because they don't know how to handle their behaviour.
There are some excellent organisations out there, and chosing the right one would be very beneficial. However.. I really don't know if "counselling" works for children. Just look at the US population, most of them are "in therapy" for years, letting other people sort out their problems because it is easy.
Obviously this child is only 6, damage has been done, but it can be reversed. I always think that if you are quite strict with her now, you can always lighten up later on.
Kids aren't daft, she knows I am sure that she gets the "sympathy vote" and will use it against you. Once people think they are a victim, it is a very hard thing to get rid of.
Once she learns to trust people and has a happy environment, believes people do want her she will stop craving attention. Who can blame her, the two most important people in her life don't give a toss about her. Being a little sod gets her noticed.
The worst thing a lot of parents do is overcompensate, i.e. chuck material things at a kid or let them riot because they don't know how to handle their behaviour.
There are some excellent organisations out there, and chosing the right one would be very beneficial. However.. I really don't know if "counselling" works for children. Just look at the US population, most of them are "in therapy" for years, letting other people sort out their problems because it is easy.
Obviously this child is only 6, damage has been done, but it can be reversed. I always think that if you are quite strict with her now, you can always lighten up later on.
Kids aren't daft, she knows I am sure that she gets the "sympathy vote" and will use it against you. Once people think they are a victim, it is a very hard thing to get rid of.
Once she learns to trust people and has a happy environment, believes people do want her she will stop craving attention. Who can blame her, the two most important people in her life don't give a toss about her. Being a little sod gets her noticed.
Jun 30th 2004, 11:45 am
#12
Guest
Posts: n/a
positive rewards for positive behaviour is very successful and is used world wide by behavioural therapists treating people with such behavioural problems.
I certainly agree that the poor soul needs help from a professional and i would bet my life on it that they suggest this type of therapy.
We used it with our young people in the Uk and it really did work. Of course other therapy may also be required and counselling would probably be one of them.
There is so much help available these days including art therapy which was widley used in the UK and very successful.
Positive rewards for positive behaviour is not about giving toys and money. Its alot more complex than that.
Mags
I certainly agree that the poor soul needs help from a professional and i would bet my life on it that they suggest this type of therapy.
We used it with our young people in the Uk and it really did work. Of course other therapy may also be required and counselling would probably be one of them.
There is so much help available these days including art therapy which was widley used in the UK and very successful.
Positive rewards for positive behaviour is not about giving toys and money. Its alot more complex than that.
Mags
Jun 30th 2004, 12:01 pm
#13
Guest
Posts: n/a
have a look at this it should explain all about behavioural therapy and positive rewards.
www.cognitive-behaviour-therapy.org
alternatively type in behavioural therapy into search engine. You will find so much information on the subject and it may help you understand why your neice is behaving in this way.
Good luck
Mags
www.cognitive-behaviour-therapy.org
alternatively type in behavioural therapy into search engine. You will find so much information on the subject and it may help you understand why your neice is behaving in this way.
Good luck
Mags
Jun 30th 2004, 7:08 pm
#14
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Aug 2003
Location: Near Duloc
Posts: 4,638
Hi PeteY
Have read your post, but haven't got the time to read through the thread...sorry if I end up repeating what everyone else has said. It's a bit hectic at the mo.
I would recommend:
Seeing a child psychologist if possible. It doesn't take much to see that your neice will have massive issues of rejection. The home environment needs to be really stable, she needs to know that she belongs. They will probably want to see the whole "family" that's she's in at the moment.
Focus on rewarding good behaviour, praise the child to bits when she is good. Make sure the praise has meaning. Be careful not to get "fake" or the child will see through this. Don't get into the trap of rewarding with things (token economy). Stickers are probably alright to an extent though.
Make the boundaries really clear... what is allowed, what isn't allowed. Be really consistent in this and have all the adults agreed. Agree on suitable punishments, but bear in mind that certain things may be out... e.g. she may see being sent to her room as another rejection. Punishments have to be immediate to be effective. Withdrawal of priviledges etc. makes a good punishment. When things have calmed, explain why the child has been punished and that she is loved whatever, in fact, she is being taught all this because she is loved and you care about her.
Depending of the maturity of the child, you may be able to get her to discuss rules and boundaries, so she has some ownership. You could even include rules the adults have to follow too!
Explain why things aren't allowed. Even if she seems not to listen, explain calmly... there are good reasons why we have rules and why we do things.
When she misbehaves, make it clear that the behaviour is wrong, but she is still loved, whatever she does. (Unconditional Love) Remind her when she has been good... sing her praises, talk about her good attributes... tell her how proud you are of her when she is good.
It seems that your little neice is looking to you for some sort of "father-like" role. Although this may be daunting, it would be lovely if she can bond with you and your wife more. Perhaps you can make a fuss about going round to see her... you're not just going to see the folks. If you arrange to see her though, make sure you keep your plans, she may feel rejected if you suddenly have to change things.
All the best PeteY
Another idea. Your niece may not have her own strategies for dealing with these negative feelings. (Emotional Literacy). Try to get her to talk about feellings, lots of kids songs are about being sad, happy etc. and how you express this. Perhaps drawing and artwork / music / dance / acting and role playing could give her an outlet to express herself. Maybe she would benefit from weekly classes in one of these things. This would also help her to establish a new routine, after all the upheaval in her life.
A strategy for dealing with anger might be to count to 10... time out, take a deep breath etc. but this will all depend on the child. Also let her know that it's OK to have feelings, but we need to be careful how we let them out.
Have read your post, but haven't got the time to read through the thread...sorry if I end up repeating what everyone else has said. It's a bit hectic at the mo.
I would recommend:
Seeing a child psychologist if possible. It doesn't take much to see that your neice will have massive issues of rejection. The home environment needs to be really stable, she needs to know that she belongs. They will probably want to see the whole "family" that's she's in at the moment.
Focus on rewarding good behaviour, praise the child to bits when she is good. Make sure the praise has meaning. Be careful not to get "fake" or the child will see through this. Don't get into the trap of rewarding with things (token economy). Stickers are probably alright to an extent though.
Make the boundaries really clear... what is allowed, what isn't allowed. Be really consistent in this and have all the adults agreed. Agree on suitable punishments, but bear in mind that certain things may be out... e.g. she may see being sent to her room as another rejection. Punishments have to be immediate to be effective. Withdrawal of priviledges etc. makes a good punishment. When things have calmed, explain why the child has been punished and that she is loved whatever, in fact, she is being taught all this because she is loved and you care about her.
Depending of the maturity of the child, you may be able to get her to discuss rules and boundaries, so she has some ownership. You could even include rules the adults have to follow too!
Explain why things aren't allowed. Even if she seems not to listen, explain calmly... there are good reasons why we have rules and why we do things.
When she misbehaves, make it clear that the behaviour is wrong, but she is still loved, whatever she does. (Unconditional Love) Remind her when she has been good... sing her praises, talk about her good attributes... tell her how proud you are of her when she is good.
It seems that your little neice is looking to you for some sort of "father-like" role. Although this may be daunting, it would be lovely if she can bond with you and your wife more. Perhaps you can make a fuss about going round to see her... you're not just going to see the folks. If you arrange to see her though, make sure you keep your plans, she may feel rejected if you suddenly have to change things.
All the best PeteY
Another idea. Your niece may not have her own strategies for dealing with these negative feelings. (Emotional Literacy). Try to get her to talk about feellings, lots of kids songs are about being sad, happy etc. and how you express this. Perhaps drawing and artwork / music / dance / acting and role playing could give her an outlet to express herself. Maybe she would benefit from weekly classes in one of these things. This would also help her to establish a new routine, after all the upheaval in her life.
A strategy for dealing with anger might be to count to 10... time out, take a deep breath etc. but this will all depend on the child. Also let her know that it's OK to have feelings, but we need to be careful how we let them out.
Jun 30th 2004, 7:11 pm
#15
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Aug 2003
Location: Near Duloc
Posts: 4,638
Originally posted by maggy
I worked with kids whom had behavioural problems for 10 years and the rewards system def works.
reward good behaviour with treats and praise.
its very important to let your neice know that when she misbehaves its her behavior you are rejecting and not her.
The poor soul has been through alot and is probably testing your commitment to her.
ie. Will they also walkout and leave me. Will I be rejected once again.
Always make sure you praise her when she has been good and give her lots of cuddles.
It may take a long time and can be very exhausting but you are doing her good already by just being there in her life.
She needs consistency.
Mags
I worked with kids whom had behavioural problems for 10 years and the rewards system def works.
reward good behaviour with treats and praise.
its very important to let your neice know that when she misbehaves its her behavior you are rejecting and not her.
The poor soul has been through alot and is probably testing your commitment to her.
ie. Will they also walkout and leave me. Will I be rejected once again.
Always make sure you praise her when she has been good and give her lots of cuddles.
It may take a long time and can be very exhausting but you are doing her good already by just being there in her life.
She needs consistency.
Mags