oliverandlisa

Hi all,some advice would be greatly appreciated!

In January we told both sets of parents about our desire to move to oz and told them we had just taken on a migration agent in order to oversee the whole process etc.

My parents who have travelled fairly extensively and are not originally from england anyway said they would be very sad at us going but understood the reasons why and joked through a few tears about having a wonderful holiday home and how they were going to visit us all the time.

Himselfs parents have never realy travelled outseide the UK and are English born were angry, upset, furious, etc Now 8 months down the line she is still refusing to talk about it or even acknowledge it and has had real emotional blackmail sobbing (not just a few tears) moments.

To be honest i can understand a little where they are coming from and im not trying to have a moan. I want to make it all happier. Hubby is upset at her reaction and doesnt want to visit her (we now get a sunday lunch request EVERY week but havent had any for the previous 11 years!) and im not keen either.

How can i help them to ome around to accepting our decision? Has anyone else had this reaction or can anyone advise on how to get through this?

Many thanks

Lisa.x

lawlaw

Oh dear sounds awful. There have been quite a few posts on her about less than understanding parents.

I guess my advice would be to involve her as much as possible, explain again why you wnat to go and that they will be welcome to visit and that you will be visiting them etc etc. I think most people come around eventually.

Good luck anyway and have some karma

Laura x

coxfamuk

Hi there Lisa

This kind of reaction seems to be quite common. Some parents don't like to see their children (no matter how old they are) take flight. I am having a similar situation with my mum. Although she says she understands why we are going, whenever we are together (which is a lot during the week), she keeps saying "I can't believe come next year we won't be doing this" or "I am going to miss you so much, do you have to go?". The guilt of leaving is killing me. To make matters worse my parents have been married for 37 years and unhappy and volatile for most of that time. As kids, we believe my mother should have left my dad years ago. Now I am leaving, I feel guilty for not being there to be her sounding board and to protect her. But what do I do. We have a son with ADHD whom we truly believe will have a better quality of life over in Oz than he does here with computer games and playstation.

Sometimes, I just think you have to make a stand and try to assure them that you love them, but they made choices for their family on that basis that they thought they were doing best for the family and you are doing the same. They can either choose to accept that and save and come for lovely holidays or not and stew and resent you forever - that is their choice and you can't take ownership of it, they have to. It is hard and is just one of the many stresses moving to a new country brings, but I believe that for us, when we get there it will all be worthwhile.

Good luck with it all.

Sarah

oliverandlisa

thanks Sarah and Laura, it is a difficult situation.

We have tried to talk to her about things but she just says "whatever dear, whatever" and either hangs up if on the phone or walks away crying if we are there. I truly think the thing that hurts us the most is her general denial of the whole thing and refusal to talk abot it.

But you are right, we have to do what we want and she does have to come to terms with it. Maybe as time draws nearer things will be better. I just feel so bad for hubby that he cant share this important part of our lives with someone that is important to him and feel awful that i can with my mum.

Ho hum! Actually it feels pretty good to get it all off my chest!

Lisa.x

rossfive5

My mother in law had a similar reaction when we moved to the UK. But once she visited us and saw that we were ok and happy and realised that we were only 11 hours flight away she was happier. My parents say they wish they had moved to New Zealand instead of South Africa all those years ago as then the family might still be together. They are now living in SA alone while all four children have returned to the UK and now are starting to move on to Aus.

Paul2004

Similar situation.

Partners side are all fine, wish us all the luck in the world, and know it's what we want!

MY SIDE THO! ..... well apart from one brother (got 2 and a sister), the rest of the family either think I've lost the plot, or are currently 'on the quiet' ....... again!

My sister stopped emailing once I confirmed oz was back on (it WAS off not so long ago, and they was all fine then!). Other brother has disappeared off the face of the earth, dad REALLY thinks I / we've lost it! and mum hasn't got back from a msg I left on her answering machine when we returned from Oz last Thursday!

To be honest I'm too burnt out with messing trying to keep everyone happy, treading lightly and all that.

I've decided now to stop bothering trying to contact them all now, and they know we plan to go within the next 6 months.

Up to them if they wanna see us before we go, call me being hard, but I'm starting to not even worry about it all now.

What can ya do!

coxfamuk

Sometimes this can be the only way to go about things. You just take a back seat and carry on with your plans and hope that they come around. It is not fair doing what they are doing though, it is plain and simply emotional blackmail. Imagine we all just said 'ok, because it is upsetting you so much, we just won't go. I'll be miserable and unhappy and will probably get to my death bed wondering how my life would have turned out if I had followed my dream, but don't you worry about that, I'm hear for you now.' It sounds silly and unreasonable, don't you think.

Centurion

We have 5 weeks until we leave and although my wifes parents were way cool with the idea mine were less so. I found it easier once the family realised we were going and that was that. As the move date gets closer they have mellowed a lot about it, but it did start with tearful and moody a year or so ago.

Ultimately its never going to be easy but if you feel its the right thing to do, those who love you will respect that. Life is to be lived and isn't a rehersal

Paul2004

My thoughts exactly!

I will NOT get to 45 and wish I tried it 10 year ago, I won't!!!!

You know when we was looking at emigrating to the South of France a few year back, fine! ...... my brothers plans to emigrate to Portugal (didn't see though!) .... fine!

Australia tho!! ......... wooo hoooo no way!!!

Terrible lot them Aussies, you know that! ...

Thing is tho, me and my side of the family are an 'xmas family!' ..... see each other once a year! but change that to once every few years (I HAVE to return once every 3) and it's "well don't forget about us", and "oh don't worry about us, we'll be alright!", all that sarcastic crap drives me nuts!

I fell out with my mum & brother for 18 months over Oz and we made up a few months ago when I was goin thru a bad phase, but since we said to all Oz was back on after careful consideration, back on the quiet they've all gone!

We DO find it sad, but funny at the same time.

As you say, we ain't gonna drop all our plans / dreams just to make them happy! ...... sorry!

bridiej

We've had a similar problem with Malc's dad, he was taking it all really well - until we accepted the offer on the house, then it was back to "when you come back" and "you cant wait to get away from the family".

To be honest we just leave him to it and ignore the remarks.

Yesterday was Malc's birthday and he had a real guilt trip card from his parents all "wonderful son" and "these times are for families to share".

Wont change nuffin though, we're going and they just have to deal with it.

Paul2004

Oh yeah all that too!

Thing is, my partner had a breakdown a few months back and my family WERE excellent, I cannot take that from them for all their help and stuff, but now it's "well you know you'll be a long way away when it happens again!"

uhh !!!!!!!!! ...... who said it WILL happen again!! She suffered with Depression, 1 in 4 women WILL suffer with Depression in their lives ........ FACT!

They just don't see that all this move to Oz is actually to find a less stressful life for us all, we are fed up with the Rat Race over here!

It's all my mum tho, she can sweep real low when on the attack

I bite my lip for now tho, won't be long!

CtrlAltDel

I'm still going through all this with my mother; my father's fine about the move, well he does live in Australia already. When we first announced we were planning to move back in 2001, she really went for the emotional blackmail, saying I was "tearing the family apart" and that she would have to cut my daughter out of her life (as her only grandchild), and that she was too old to come and visit (she's now 59). That then quietened down, as we couldn't quite make the points requirement until last year.

This time round she's a lot better about it, maybe because she's had a chance to come round to the idea, or maybe because my sister's now a single parent with a boy of her own.

Time is definitely a good healer; hopefully when they see that you're settling in well, that things are working out alright for you, then it might be easier. As an aside, I can tell you I'm already terrified about my daughter moving out of the home or getting married and that's still more than a decade or two away

Juliecabs

Hi Lisa,
Your story echoes mine exactly, except that we haven't had a Sunday lunch request from my IL's since last Christmas!
Unfortunately, I don't think you can help them to accept your decision. This is something they have to work out for themselves. We are all grown adults now with families of our own and we have to do what we feel is right for ourselves. As adults themselves they should realise this. Maybe you can offer to have them over to stay whenever they want. The ball is in their court after that.
Good Luck!
Julie

mand8002

When I told my mum he reaction was " well I win't come and see you", so I just said that there was nothing I could do about that and left it at that. My father in law was pleased for us and is coming in October to see us. He is 77 and never flown before and after being here 7 months my mum has started talking about saving to come over.
No matter what they said though we would have come, as it is our future we are looking after, I am sure they made decisions about their life too, it is just that ours was to come to Australia.