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The ups and downs of our planned new life to NZ, warts and all!

Nanny takes a nose dive and my husband lets me down too :-(Mon 28 July 2008
Yesterday was pretty tough.  The nanny was, I don't know, maybe bored?  Maybe homesick because she'd spent the weekend at home?  I don't know, but the girls were pretty much left to their own devices yesterday.  Whenever I popped downstairs, they were entairtaining each other, and she was lying on the couch.  It was so awkward.  Especially when they kept playing on the stairs, and in my big pregnant state had to keep running over to grab Pip off the stairs.  I reiterated that they're not allowed to play on the stairs, like I repeat everything, but it doesn't seem to register.  She seems to have lost her mojo, she has a previous history of clinical depression and we were warned to look out for signs.  Steve keeps on, she's depressed!  But I think she's just young, a little demotivated.  I've encouraged her to meet people and I've arranged groups for Pip to go to in the hope it'll alleviate some boredom for them both and let her meet people.  Moons really isn't taking to her at all and its become a bit of a battle ground at home.  Moons running to Steve and I, us trying to push her back to the Nanny, the Nanny sighing and walking off.  We were warned that the settling in period was going to be tough, but I don't think Steve and I really appreciated how tough it was going to be.  Its amazing how as a Mother you pre-empt signals, like the girls getting over tired and over hungry, but trying to explain this to a non Mother is hard.  I would never have the patience to be a Nanny, so why someone as young as this Nanny desires to be one when she doesn't seem warm to children amazes me.  I've emailed the college and I hope we can all move through this and find some resolution.  I really hoped this would be sorted before the baby arrived.  Furthermore, my relationship with Steve has taken a real dive for the worst.  The last few weeks he's been particularly attentitive and warm.  I joked only on Sunday that I hoped it wasn't a guilty counsciouness.  So yesterday I was playing with his iphone and being as somewhere between 21 and now, I lost all of my ability to use anything remotely technological AND morphed into my parents, I was doing a damn fine job of messing up the screen.  It was through this messing around that I happened across the history pages.  Imagine my surprise when I saw he'd not only visited porn sites, but also looked at images of naked women AND had a 'secret' email address.  My heart absolutely froze.  An awful feeling that left me wishing I'd fallen asleep on the sofa and was in some terrible nightmare.  I don't object to porn, I'm not one of those women.  Frankly what a man does for satisfaction in the privacy of his own home is up to him, as long as the images don't contain anything particularly offensive, like young women or animals, etc.  But my husband, at the end of my pregnancy has felt the need to ogle women.  I silently put the phone down and went upstairs.  I closed the door and then sobbed like a baby.  So many things were going through my head, was I that repulsive to him? Had he wanted to see what a normal woman looked like?  Was he meeting women?  Did he have a secret life?  How could he do this to me when I'm nearing the end of my pregnancy? Was his being nice to me really guilt and insincere?  I didn't know how to handle this situation.  He came upstairs to let me know he'd made me some dinner  - the last thing I wanted.  He saw me upset and asked me repeatedly what the problem was.  He noticed that I couldn't look him in the eye.  Usually Steve guesses what I might be upset about, he didn't this time.  I wondered if it was because he didn't want to admit to something else!  I tried to make up a story about something on the telly, but he knew there was more to it.  I didn't want to confront him until I'd worked through it in my head, maybe watched him more closely for telltale signs.  I don't believe my husband would ever cheat on me.  His Dad did it and it tore his family apart.  I know he loves me and our family - but why?  Why has he done this?  Eventually I had no choice but to confess to what I'd found, he wasn't going to drop it.  He apologised, said he was bored and was just surfing.  He said the email address was old that he used to communicate with this Dad.  He couldn't explain why he'd looked at particular women because it didn't do anything for him.  In real life he never took a second glance at women.  He tried to reassure me that he found me attractive, but I can't swallow that right now.  I cried and cried.  A migraine swept over my left side of my head and I felt contractions building up.  I was too tired and too sore to talk about it.  We went to bed and I tried to sleep.  But the images kept popping into my head.  I ended up sleeping downstairs on the sofa.  Desperate for some space.  Pip woke up in the night crying and I checked on her to find she'd taken her nappy off and wet the bed.  I tended to her and then waited until she awoke again at 6.  I bathed them both.  My eyes were puffy and my head swirled in and out of a headache.  I felt cold to the bone and sad.  Steve didn't notice me missing in the night.  Instead he came into the bathroom later to see what was going on.  He has this forlorn look today, like a scolded puppy.  I'm too tired and emotional to discuss it any more.  I can't tell where pregnancy hormones end and betrayal and confusion begin.  All I know is that today, my heart is heavy and it aches.  I feel this overwhelming sense of lonliness and I also feel like the ugliest pregnant woman that's walked this earth. 

Don't be so hard on yourselfTue 29 July 2008
I wanted to post a comment and tell you the truth about men and pornography but I havent been able to find the right words. My honest opinion is you shouldn't worry about it.

I know it sounds weird, and no consolation I am sure, but thats about all I can say.
Posted by Dave+Jules

Untitled CommentTue 29 July 2008
I'd be more worried about the Nanny - if you are not 100 percent sure of her by now then I really don't think it's going to work out - a history of clinical depression! After your previous experiences I think I would get rid of her now before anything disastrous happens! Your children are very young - you really need someone you can trust and be comfortable with. Good luck with it all.
Posted by rebnatoli

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