jordana09

How many members ( I have just joined today) feel any guilt at leaving family members behind? I am in that category as my daughter, husband and their 3 children moved to Canada 3years ago on Good Friday. ( There was nothing good about it I can assure you). Oh yes, everyone told me they would be able to keep in touch by skype, emails, phone and come on visits. Well, the kids dissapear when skype is on , so we don't use it now. The emails don't come from them very often - if I send them I spend days searching my emails for a reply. The phone - well, it's usually just my dauhjter I speak to as the older kids are out and the wee one has such a strong Canadian accent , I don't understand her and she doesn't understand me. The visits? They came back the 1st Christmas and I was over lastyear but my husband has a heart condition and can't fly that distance so while I was over all I did was worry about him.
Big moan now over - thanks for listening - and if anyone has any ideas on helping me to cope or telling me what a moaner I am , feel free to say as any help is better than none.

christmasoompa

Welcome to the forum, sorry to hear you're having a tough time of it.

I'm assuming you and your husband moving over there isn't an option? Seems the obvious solution if you want to be closer to them and more involved with their lives, but I guess your husband's medical issue would mean he couldn't fly over?

Do you have any other children or is this your only child you are referring to? I know that I struggled with leaving my parents especially as they are doting grandparents (my children are the only grandchildren on both sides) and they saw the kids every week. Thankfully, my parents have always encouraged us to be independent and live our own lives, so accepted the move (almost better than I did!).

Have you told your daughter how you feel? Maybe if she understands how neglected you are feeling she'll make more of an effort to contact you - perhaps a regular time when they'll all Skype you i.e. every Sunday at a set time?

I can imagine it must be tough when they are getting on and living their lives, but perhaps you could plan another visit so you've got that to look forward to, and try and get them to agree to speak to you more often?

Best of luck, and do come and join us in the Canada forum.

Rete

I feel you. It is difficult being a mother and grandmother and not having the joy of seeing and being with your child and grandchild on a regular basis, especially if you are close.

While I don't have it quite as bad as you, I do have a daughter and grandchildren who live a almost an entire country away from me. A plane trip to visit them takes 3 hours and besides the cost to do it frequently, I work and don't have the time available to see them more than twice a year. If we are really lucky it is my two visits to them and their one visit to me.

I miss the grandchildren growing up but thankfully they are small enough that their lives are still centered around their home and will talk with grandma when I'm on the phone with their mom.

You do have to remember, even if they had remained in the UK, the grandchildren are getting older and as such they will not be as interested in seeing or visiting with the grandparents. They are young adults and have lives of their owns and those lives don't include grandparents on a steady diet, nor their parents for that matter.

Yes, you miss them but it has been three years. They have settled into their lives and now you have to settle into yours, unfortunately, without them on a frequent timetable.

I have to ask what you find so hard about the "Canadian" accent to understand? It is English (unless, of course, they moved to Quebec) and there is little difference between an American accent and a Canadian one. I know as my husband is a Canuck. I understand him and his family quite easily. Unless, of course, it is the slang you don't understand.

I'm going to be frank here and say that I hope you have not joined in the hopes that your daughter will see your posts and feel so guilty that she will turn tail and run back to the UK. Be happy for your daughter and her family. Apparently they have found a life in a new country that they enjoy living. They still love you and always will.

rahrah

I feel and hear you pain.........and I don't mean to sound harsh.......... but I heard a lot about you - It is obvious you miss you daughter madly but I am sure this hasn't been an easy run for her either!
I am about to make that giant leap - and I know that I will miss my mum like crazy - BUT if it was just to do with me & her then I wouldn't be off!
I have to put my kids and family first and although I know that my Mum and sis will never be happy, it is NOT a reflection of how much I love them but more to do with HOW much I love my immediate family and how I feel that they have to come first!
I am sure it is not a case of your daughter choosing a new life without caring about how you feel & what will happen to you - but maybe she had an impossible decision to make..... whatever she did, someone would be unhappy!
Seems selfish........Maybe, but whichever way, she is not untouched by this!
I wish you well

TheThornes

Sorry to hear you're finding things difficult with your daughter and her family having moved away.

I moved away with my family leaving my mum behind in the UK and I know she has found things difficult at times. Before we moved, my mum was the one person who always seemed negative about our intended move; everyone else seemed really happy and pleased for us. This is something I found very difficult because although I understood how she felt, at the same time I wanted her to be happy for us. It got to the point where I just didn't mention Canada in front of her. Things were made harder by the fact that I lost my father the year before we moved so my mum was having to cope with his loss as well. She said that, in some ways, us moving over here was like another bereavement. I used to see my mum on a weekly basis. My dad knew of our plans to move here and he was really pleased about it; it's just a shame he never got to come.

I agree with what someone else said, in that your daughter moving away isn't a reflection on her feelings for you but what she considers the best for her husband and children. That was certainly the case for us. By moving over here, I knew that we could have a better quality of life for the whole family with more opportunities for the children and we have certainly found that to be the case.

I can remember my brother telling me that there is never a good time to move to another country; there's always something that can hold you back, whether it be guilt for leaving parents behind, children's schooling etc. Sometimes you just have to do it.

Like I said, my mum has found it hard. However, she came to visit us for three weeks last summer; the first time she had ever flown on her own too. Having been here, she now says she completely understands why we have made the move and sees what a wonderful life we now have. She is booked to come for another three weeks this summer and can't wait and is already talking about places she wants to visit when she comes.

I know she still finds it hard with us being so far away but she says she understands and supports our decision. My mum is in her 70s and does not have a computer so we only ever get to speak to her on Skype when she visits with my brother or sister. I speak to her on the phone usually about once a week (sometimes the kids do and sometimes they don't) and I regularly send her photos etc.

There is never a perfect solution. It was a case of do we make the move and have the life we want, knowing that our families will find it hard, or do we stay at home always thinking about the life we could have had?

I do miss my mum, of course of I do. Do you have any other children still in the UK? I have an older brother and sister and that does make it easier for me knowing that she has them around and she also has a good circle of friends so is kept nice and busy.

As we grow up and become adults we have to lead our own lives. Unfortunately, it may not always be what our parents want but, if your daughter and her family are happy with their life, then you should be happy for them. I agree, have you spoken to her about how you feel? If she understands, maybe you could try to work out something together with Skype or emails etc.

I know this may not be completely the sort of reassuring response you were hoping for but it is the view from the other side, ie. a daughter that has moved away.

I hope you can try to sort something out with your daughter and her family whereby you can have the sort of contact that you would be happy with.

kimilseung

How old are they ? it might make a difference, if they are anything like me.

When I was in my 20s I went off to Asia to travel for 7 years (with a one month visit back home after 5 years)

For the first year I left a list of post pick up points, but it often happened that I was there on a day the post office was closed or had to change my plans for whatever reason; in short I was having a great time and did not really stop to think that my parents would be worried out of their mind. I might have picked up one or two of those mails, I might have called about a dozen times in 7 years, and at least a year went by between contacts on at least one occasion. I loved them, but just never stopped to think how it was for them.

I met my future American wife during my travels, in Burma.

I look back on it with shame, how cruel and selfish I was.

I am in my 40s now, and am much better, we have regular Skype chats, my child is only 4 and she loves talking with her grandparents. I get told to leave the room, as she gets jealous when I talk with them.

I dont know how how old your grand kids are, but if they are young, play with them, read them stories. My mum and my daughter have a great time playing. You may have already tried to do this and they might be older kids; I know my dad finds it harder to do the Skype play thing.

I feel sad that my parents do not get more time with their grand-daughter (and vice-versa) for us Skype has really made the difference. When they first met in person, I was expecting some hesitation and shyness from my daughter, but not at all, she ran up to them as if she had known them in person, rather than just from a screen.

If your daughter is anything like me, she may just need some time to mature from being a bit selfish, and get to a point where she will make the effort to show and share with the people she loves.

RenShen

I am so sorry to read your post. You sound so similar to my own Mum, though I am better at keeping in touch than your daughter at the moment.

Yes, I feel terrible guilt. But the thing is, its a trade off, and a better future for my kids won. Thats not to say it was an easy decision to make or that its any easier to live with.

I have been in Australia for just over a year now, Mum and Dad are in the UK with no prospect of moving here.

Mum is so bad that she has just been put on anti depressants by her doc and she is due to have bereavement counseling. Knowing that I am responsible for this is tearing me apart, but there is no going back for us.

I can't really say anything to help you apart from PLEASE don't close the door. Yes, you feel upset at how you have been treated and yes, it does sound like your family might be a bit more considerate on the contact front, but once you blow your top and vent your anger, there might be no getting back. I can only suggest that you keep trying. Keep trying Skype, keep emailing. Maybe write your daughter a heartfelt letter but try to keep the anger out of it. If you do all this with only love I am sure that it will pay off in the end.

I hope that there are happier times ahead for you all.

Ren xxx

Wub

This is the hardest thing I know. My grown-up kids are in the UK, with happy, successful, busy lives. Both about to get married - and we're overseas with work.

Like you, we've had times where you just don't hear from them and the feelings of upset and frustration can, at times, become overwhelming. Oh yes.

My advice is this: Don't be negative. If emails don't work then text. If they don't phone, find a time that's mutually convenient and phone them. Send little gifts (Amazon Prime is brilliant for this!) and enclose a message like,'Spotted this and thought of you'. My two love that!

Above all else, keep positive, pleasant and without resentment. Resentment will drive them away and you want to be close to them.

We have to remain understanding, tolerant, accepting and just nice to be in touch with. The killer is them not wanting to be in touch because when they are, all we do is moan!

Just my take on it all. And speaking from hard won experience too!!

jordana09

How lovely for me to get so many replies and it was so warming to read them all. I think the resentment had really built up and I was so frustrated at not being able to give vent to my feelings!
Yes, I brought 3 children up to be independant and am glad that they all are. I do have a married son and a married daughter and 2 grand children here so it is not all doom and gloom. It's just that there dioes not seem to be anywhere on the net to talk to people in the same situation as myself. Maybe I should set up a local group here at home where we can just moan!
Yes, I can be thankful that my daughter and the children have settled well and I should keep positive in hoping that I may be able to visit them again. As soeone mentioned, finances come into it but another thing is health. It may seem ok to plan for visits but when ill health takes over it's a different ball game.
I do hope Ican continue to post on this forum as I found it quite by accident.
Tha k you everyone

Rete

Of course you can. Perhaps by reading the stories of expats with families and learning how the emotional process is for them, you might be able to see your daughter's emotions. Emotions are not easy to speak about and when we do, we often listen to them subjectively rather than neutrally. Enjoy your time with us.

RenShen

Hi Jordana,

Glad the replies have cheered you up a bit. My Mum has had some strokes recently and Dad's health is up and down so its hard for them to book a flight at the moment for fear of what the next doctors appointment will bring, and I know that this has probably contributed to her depression. Even going to the hospital is hard for her as I was the one that used to take her to the appointments, ask all the questions, support her and Dad etc.

Why don't you start a thread called something like "The parents left behind thread" and hopefully you might get in touch with a few people in a similar position?

Ren

jordana09

yes that's a good idea - to start a new thread. maybe the members who have emigrated would encourage their parents to log on to this site and we can maybe support one another. I will start one called 'families left behind' today. Although I'm sure everyone has their good days and bad.
I'm sorry your parents have health problems and it is a big concern when both families are so far apart.
Although I have mentioned how I feel, it's a bigger picture than me as the cousins here feel so left out and of course the sister and brother who are here also are saddened.
I understand what someone earlier mentioned that when you are young you don't realise how (can I say selfish?) you are, or have been, until you are older. Now that my mum has passed on, I feel a certain guilt too that maybe I didn't include her as much as I could have - although I've been told that's not true. However, you can't put an old head on young shoulders and we understand in time.
thank you

Margaret Parkinson

I know exactly how you feel. Nearly 4 years ago we went on holiday and on our return my daughter and husband announced that they were thinking of emigrating to New Zealand. This was in January 2006, my son in law did a reccie in March got a job and left in June my daughter & only grandson went in August after my grandson who was 14 at the time had finished school for the summer holidays. We have only got 1 grandchild and had always been very close to him having him sleep over etc so it was a big wrench when they had all gone. I do have a son as well but he is not married.

When they first went they were on the webcam most days obviously feeling very homesick at the time. Then time went on and they don't come on quite as often as they used to. Even if they had not gone my grandson would have grown away from us because he is now 18 and would not have wanted to go out with the "old people" would he.

I am on Talktalk International and can ring New Zealand for free so if I feel the need I give them a ring. My daughter tells me she loves us every time we speak to her which she never did when she lived 10 minutes away.

I feel very proud of them, they have opened an English butchers shop from scratch and its doing very well. This is something they would not have been able to do in the UK because it would have cost far too much.

You say your husband has an heart condition so has mine. He had an heart attack in 1998 and also has Angina. We checked with the doctor and he can travel the distance so we have been every year since they went which is 4 times. We are spending their inheritance on the flights which is their fault if they choose to go so far away lol. We go for 6 weeks and at the back of my mind there is always the fact that this could be the last time so we try to make the most of it because one day it will be.

As much as I miss them I would not want them to return because if they did it would mean everything had gone wrong and I wold not want that to happen.

Please try to think of all the good things that they are doing with their lives and what a good job you did with their upbringing.

June

Jerseygirl

I have moved your new thread to the Rovers Return forum because this forum is only to welcome new members to BE.

Click HERE and you will be directed to the new thread.

jordana09

thank you moderator - I hope I will be able to find my way around