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Urgent question about wife who bailed out

Urgent question about wife who bailed out

Old Sep 11th 2016, 4:56 pm
  #31  
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Default Re: Urgent question about wife who bailed out

Rete, we were doing the same at about the same time! Jenny Jones had a chat show here in the US at that time and was warning people about the dangers of online dating.

In fact, there was a news item around that time, about a Brit who had come over, married his disabled wife, killed her and placed her in a chest freezer and was living off her disability allowance!

However, am I the only one who is thinking that this whole thread has a tinge of the Sue Graftons about it? (or John Grisham, James Patterson, Tom Clancy...you get the idea).
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Old Sep 11th 2016, 5:14 pm
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Default Re: Urgent question about wife who bailed out

Originally Posted by Guindalf
..... I the only one who is thinking that this whole thread has a tinge of the Sue Graftons about it? (or John Grisham, James Patterson, Tom Clancy...you get the idea).
Or Patricia Cornwell.
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Old Sep 11th 2016, 6:09 pm
  #33  
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Default Re: Urgent question about wife who bailed out

Originally Posted by Guindalf

However, am I the only one who is thinking that this whole thread has a tinge of the Sue Graftons about it? (or John Grisham, James Patterson, Tom Clancy...you get the idea).
Definitively not.
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Old Sep 11th 2016, 9:39 pm
  #34  
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Default Re: Urgent question about wife who bailed out

Originally Posted by Guindalf
am I the only one who is thinking that this whole thread has a tinge of the Sue Graftons about it? (or John Grisham, James Patterson, Tom Clancy...you get the idea).
You're not hinting this is just fiction...or are you?
Because, I'll admit when I fist read the OP - I found it so jaw-dropingly awful - I suspected someone was pulling our leg.
A quick scan of the OP's few prior posts - told me that, alas, it's all for real.

It's hard to not fear for his 2 young children....not so much their physical safety (as has been raised here), but their psychological well-being. This has got to put their sense of identity and self-worth etc. at risk and be overwhelmingly threatening and confusing.
I hope the OP has family who have stepped to mitigate some of that damage.
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Old Sep 11th 2016, 10:11 pm
  #35  
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Default Re: Urgent question about wife who bailed out

No it's all very real, I wish it was fiction

Indeed the children are asking difficult questions. I'm seriously contemplating moving away from the area to be closer to family, and ironically it's her family that are stepping in to help as much as possible.

It will be a hard choice, but I and those children will need some familiar faces because where we live it is quite rural and we are a good 300 miles from family. We're all going to need support. I'm severely feeling the stress of it all, both emotionally and physically which in turn is not helping those children.

We're going to have to make some hard decisions very soon.

She'll eventually grow tired of her new life out there if/once he breaks parole, gets back on the crystal meth or gives her a beating because he snapped. Two 30 year sentences he got but out on parole early. Been inside all his adult life. Doubt he'll get a well paid or respectable job any time soon and I'm calling HRMC this week to notify them she has fled the country and still claiming benefits that I could do with! Her last source of income gone.

If she ever gets deported or whatever, not really bothered now. Would be nice but for all I care, she can stay and suffer, me and the kids will work out fine in the end. Hard times ahead but with support we'll get through it. I'm determined to be optimistic so it doesn't effect my job and mental state as well for the present time.

I've confiscated their passports and now their birth certificates just in she does hold true to her word and return on the 18th/19th, but I reckon he'll probably have her under lock and key!!!

One day I feel quite optimistic things will eventually be good, but other days I feel down right crappy and can't block the crap out. Worried I'll end up at the doctors, that's all I need.

What a mess!

Last edited by maritimesbob; Sep 11th 2016 at 10:16 pm.
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Old Sep 11th 2016, 10:37 pm
  #36  
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Default Re: Urgent question about wife who bailed out

Originally Posted by maritimesbob
No it's all very real, I wish it was fiction

I'm calling HRMC this week to notify them she has fled the country and still claiming benefits that I could do with! Her last source of income gone.

One day I feel quite optimistic things will eventually be good, but other days I feel down right crappy and can't block the crap out. Worried I'll end up at the doctors, that's all I need.

What a mess!
I am not a Brit and am unfamiliar with this claiming benefits thing. Does this mean that you two were separated and she is getting benefits for childcare and now you are going to claim them in her place? If you two were married and living together, wouldn't the check be coming to both of you?

You never stated just how long she has been in the US? How is she getting her hands on the money?

Not the worse thing if you wind up at the doctor's office. Everyone needs assistance now and again.
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Old Sep 11th 2016, 11:28 pm
  #37  
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Default Re: Urgent question about wife who bailed out

Originally Posted by maritimesbob
No it's all very real, I wish it was fiction

Indeed the children are asking difficult questions. I'm seriously contemplating moving away from the area to be closer to family, and ironically it's her family that are stepping in to help as much as possible.

It will be a hard choice, but I and those children will need some familiar faces because where we live it is quite rural and we are a good 300 miles from family. We're all going to need support. I'm severely feeling the stress of it all, both emotionally and physically which in turn is not helping those children.

We're going to have to make some hard decisions very soon.

She'll eventually grow tired of her new life out there if/once he breaks parole, gets back on the crystal meth or gives her a beating because he snapped. Two 30 year sentences he got but out on parole early. Been inside all his adult life. Doubt he'll get a well paid or respectable job any time soon and I'm calling HRMC this week to notify them she has fled the country and still claiming benefits that I could do with! Her last source of income gone.

If she ever gets deported or whatever, not really bothered now. Would be nice but for all I care, she can stay and suffer, me and the kids will work out fine in the end. Hard times ahead but with support we'll get through it. I'm determined to be optimistic so it doesn't effect my job and mental state as well for the present time.

I've confiscated their passports and now their birth certificates just in she does hold true to her word and return on the 18th/19th, but I reckon he'll probably have her under lock and key!!!

One day I feel quite optimistic things will eventually be good, but other days I feel down right crappy and can't block the crap out. Worried I'll end up at the doctors, that's all I need.

What a mess!
mtb...

I have nothing specific to say...but still wanted you to receive an immediate reply...so you know that you are being heard here. BE can be incredibly insightful and supportive when people in genuine need cry out.

It sounds like you are taking precisely the right steps. And, despite your understandable emotional turmoil, your analysis of your plight is extremely level-headed.
I won't offer Pollyanna platitudes...but will say...you appear to be strong; so long as you remain in control, as you are demonstrating you are managing to be so far (even tho you probably think you're falling apart from time to time), you and your girls will have tough challenges and rocky patches, but you WILL prevail.

Moving from where you're now living to where you'll have family support, though disruptive for your kids (school, friends etc)....will also provide the additional benefit of removing them from an environment where everything familiar evokes their mom.
That change alone could be intrinsic to their successful coping. (Same for you )

I hope you get helpful advice (and the re-affirming strength that should provide) from the lawyer you're going to meet with this week. You deserve it!
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Old Sep 12th 2016, 1:19 am
  #38  
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Default Re: Urgent question about wife who bailed out

Just my opinion ....


You are spending way too much time and energy on this person.


Get yourself and kids sorted. BE HAPPY she's gone, get things sorted and find a life.


You seem a bit hopeful she'll see how awful he is, and come home. !??!?


Delete all contact. Contact the banks, etc., get the funds held, until a judge decides otherwise. Damn, have you even contacted a solicitor!?


Don't worry about her immigration status, or lack of. Don't worry about his parole board. Stop pining for her.


I understand she is the mother of your kids. That will be sorted in the wash later. It always does.

And it doesn't matter where a spouse off and runs to or with whom. Our dear friend back home in Scotland has 4 kids. Out of the blue, wife says, "I'm unhappy." He agrees to let her leave. She has a second adolescence and falls pregnant with a new boyfriend. It was a really crappy year for him and the kids, and the divorce went quickly. She got nothing but a new baby and a deadbeat boyfriend.

He has a lovely new wife and four darling kids that the new wife adores.

Life happens.

Protect your kids.


(Sorry to be so harsh but the kids are the MOST IMPORTANT part of this problem, NOT a wayward wife.)
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Old Sep 12th 2016, 6:10 am
  #39  
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Default Re: Urgent question about wife who bailed out

I am slowly putting her to the back of my mind, it's the main reason I have low days when I have thoughts about her and what she has done. A little feeling for her, but of course my children miss her.

She entered the States third week of August. In the UK the mother usually is the one who solely claims the child tax benefits and family allowance. The annoying thing is she's spending that on steaks while that would have helped with childcare costs. That money is deposited into her bank account once a week.

No we weren't separated, still married. Just bailed on us. Since discovered they have their own lovely Facebook page, she's changed her surname to his in her weird fantasy world!!!! Found that a few weeks ago. I stopped looking at such things, and all those letters from him are packed away. Don't need reminders!!

But yes, forget about her and I am trying now!

I also thinking moving away will help us get away from awkward reminders. Currently wherever we go "mummy" likes this place comes up

I have an appointment with a lawyer this week so I can be advised I am doing the right thing legally, where I stand, what I can do etc.

So yes, moving away is a 99% certainty to give everyone a fresh start with support around us.

Last edited by maritimesbob; Sep 12th 2016 at 6:14 am.
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Old Sep 12th 2016, 6:17 am
  #40  
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Default Re: Urgent question about wife who bailed out

Originally Posted by maritimesbob
I am slowly putting her to the back of my mind, it's the main reason I have low days when I have thoughts about her and what she has done. A little feeling for her, but of course my children miss her.

She entered the States third week of August. In the UK the mother usually is the one who solely claims the child tax benefits and family allowance. The annoying thing is she's spending that on steaks while that would have helped with childcare costs.

No we weren't separated, still married. Just bailed on us. Since discovered they have their own lovely Facebook page, she's changed her surname to his in her weird fantasy world!!!! Found that a few weeks ago. I stopped looking at such things, and all those letters from him are packed away. Don't need reminders!!

But yes, forget about her and I am trying now!

I also thinking moving away will help us get away from awkward reminders. Currently wherever we go "mummy" likes this place comes up

I have an appointment with a lawyer this week so I can be advised I am doing the right thing legally, where I stand, what I can do etc.

So yes, moving away is a 99% certainty to give everyone a fresh start with support around us.
Even if you don't move permanently, a nice long vacation to be closer to your family would be a good move. And it would be a good idea to not communicate with her at all except through your solicitor and ask family and friends to respect your wishes. You don't want her knowing what you're doing or where you are. Right now your children are your priority so keeping them safe is number 1.

Also remember to take care of yourself. You've had a really big shock, so be kind to yourself. You're no good to your girls if you're not healthy as well.
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Old Sep 12th 2016, 12:29 pm
  #41  
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Default Re: Urgent question about wife who bailed out

There must be rules in place for switching family allowance from one parent to the other (or to the grandparents, etc. etc.) against the wishes of the parent who is in receipt of the family allowance, in just such cases as this?
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Old Sep 12th 2016, 4:27 pm
  #42  
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Default Re: Urgent question about wife who bailed out

Originally Posted by SanDiegogirl
Contrary to concentrating on trying to get your wife reported to the authorities and/or deported (which you won't be successful at anyway), you should be focusing on keeping your job and getting child care for the children. Keeping your job also means keeping your house.

From earlier posts you have an 8 year old and a 5 year old?

Ignore the letters. She can't remove the children; and she can't dictate what happens from the US. Actually, unless she left with all your savings, she's going to find herself in a pretty dire situation shortly, and you'll be the one dictating terms.

Haven't you got parents who could step in to pick up the children from school, can you work flexible hours? Plenty of single dads out there who manage to cope.

yep, agreed. Look after yourself and the kids.
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Old Sep 12th 2016, 5:05 pm
  #43  
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Default Re: Urgent question about wife who bailed out

Originally Posted by maritimesbob


So yes, moving away is a 99% certainty to give everyone a fresh start with support around us.

Personally, I don't think this is a good idea. What your children need now is some stability and a sense of routine in their lives. Moving them away from their friends and their schools is just another upheaval in their lives, when they could do without additional stresses.

Unless your move is financially necessary (and if you move 300 miles to family won't this mean you lose your job and income) I would reconsider this option.
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Old Sep 12th 2016, 5:09 pm
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Default Re: Urgent question about wife who bailed out

Originally Posted by SanDiegogirl
Personally, I don't think this is a good idea. What your children need now is some stability and a sense of routine in their lives. Moving them away from their friends and their schools is just another upheaval in their lives, when they could do without additional stresses.

Unless your move is financially necessary (and if you move 300 miles to family won't this mean you lose your job and income) I would reconsider this option.
I agree, though help from family may be critical and trump other concerns.

Also MaritimesBob should prepare a plan for what to do in the event his wife returns. I assume he wouldn't want her just moving back into the house unannounced? This is something that he should discuss with his solicitor, ... and change the locks to the house as a precaution.
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Old Sep 12th 2016, 10:32 pm
  #45  
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Default Re: Urgent question about wife who bailed out

It sounds like the account the benefits are going into is just in the OPs wife's name. I would recommend getting an account in your own name and maybe contact either Citizens Advice and/or the benefits agency/ DWP.

You could always call the banks and say that all the cards have been lost and can they send replacement cards.
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