Totally Awesome American Inventions
Feb 28th 2008, 4:32 pm
#1
Militant Ginger
Thread Starter
Joined: Feb 2007
Location: Wrong Side of the Hudson River
Posts: 2,311
Totally Awesome American Inventions
Mountain Dew – Inexplicably, this neo-green carbonated beverage has not been declared a Class A drug yet – even though the potent combination of caffeine, sugar and whatever that neon green stuff is regularly drives people (especially kids) into sociopathic sugar-spasms characterized by rapid breathing, heart palpitations and repeated use of the word ‘Extreme!’ Simply the best soda in the world.
Awesome! The most overused word in America, ‘awesome’ is an adjective (Dude! That’s awesome!) most often used to describe something great. However, it can also be used to describe something big, fast, cool, sexy, tiny, miniaturized, loud or just somehow ‘awesome.’ Early adoption of the word ‘awesome’ by pre-schoolers has led scientists to believe all other adjectives will be rendered obsolete by the year 2012.
New York – Although some people try to argue that there other cities of equal or greater awesomeness than New York, it’s generally accepted that they’re talking bollocks. This is because New York has successfully assimilated every major city in the world – to the extent that the five boroughs contain within themselves a microcosm of every significant nation on earth. Little Italy. China town. Spanish Harlem. Little India. Little Brazil. The Russian community on Brighton Beach. More Jewish people than Israel. In fact, it is believed that New York will successfully have assimilated a full 40% of the entire globe by 2067 and the city itself will measure 4062 miles wide (with all areas easily accessible by subway.)
The SUV – The Sports Utility Vehicle is basically a pickup truck with a car-like body attached to it. Cynically invented to revive the flagging American car industry, the SUV has now reached such an advanced stage of development that an estimated 32% of all SUV owners actually drive a Sports Utility Vehicle that’s larger than their home. Given the rise in petrol prices, it’s assumed that 98% of SUV owners will actually begin living in their SUV’s within 5 years – establishing homes wherever or whenever their monstrous vehicles become too expensive to refuel any more.
Fake boobs – Cosmetic surgery has now enabled Americans to overcome their shortcomings through expensive operations. Fat people can be lipo-suctioned into a saggy size 2. Blind people can have lasers zapped into their eyes to regain vision (enabling them to drive and talk on their cell phones at the same time.) But the pinnacle of plastic surgery has to be the breast implant. Now an entire generation of American kids are being raised believing that the epitome of female beauty is to be found in an enormous pair of rigid spherical implants. But rock-hard basket-ball sized boobs are not just ‘attractive,’ they also serve a useful purpose, as both airbags and flotation devices. It’s estimated that the incidences of drowning in Los Angeles has been reduced by 0.002% over the past decade through the increased popularity of breast enlargements.
Awesome! The most overused word in America, ‘awesome’ is an adjective (Dude! That’s awesome!) most often used to describe something great. However, it can also be used to describe something big, fast, cool, sexy, tiny, miniaturized, loud or just somehow ‘awesome.’ Early adoption of the word ‘awesome’ by pre-schoolers has led scientists to believe all other adjectives will be rendered obsolete by the year 2012.
New York – Although some people try to argue that there other cities of equal or greater awesomeness than New York, it’s generally accepted that they’re talking bollocks. This is because New York has successfully assimilated every major city in the world – to the extent that the five boroughs contain within themselves a microcosm of every significant nation on earth. Little Italy. China town. Spanish Harlem. Little India. Little Brazil. The Russian community on Brighton Beach. More Jewish people than Israel. In fact, it is believed that New York will successfully have assimilated a full 40% of the entire globe by 2067 and the city itself will measure 4062 miles wide (with all areas easily accessible by subway.)
The SUV – The Sports Utility Vehicle is basically a pickup truck with a car-like body attached to it. Cynically invented to revive the flagging American car industry, the SUV has now reached such an advanced stage of development that an estimated 32% of all SUV owners actually drive a Sports Utility Vehicle that’s larger than their home. Given the rise in petrol prices, it’s assumed that 98% of SUV owners will actually begin living in their SUV’s within 5 years – establishing homes wherever or whenever their monstrous vehicles become too expensive to refuel any more.
Fake boobs – Cosmetic surgery has now enabled Americans to overcome their shortcomings through expensive operations. Fat people can be lipo-suctioned into a saggy size 2. Blind people can have lasers zapped into their eyes to regain vision (enabling them to drive and talk on their cell phones at the same time.) But the pinnacle of plastic surgery has to be the breast implant. Now an entire generation of American kids are being raised believing that the epitome of female beauty is to be found in an enormous pair of rigid spherical implants. But rock-hard basket-ball sized boobs are not just ‘attractive,’ they also serve a useful purpose, as both airbags and flotation devices. It’s estimated that the incidences of drowning in Los Angeles has been reduced by 0.002% over the past decade through the increased popularity of breast enlargements.
Feb 28th 2008, 4:38 pm
#2
Resident Sillycow
Joined: Oct 2007
Location: Dunwoody, GA!!
Posts: 1,651
Re: Totally Awesome American Inventions
I feel fully prepared now - I think those are the most important things about the US I needed to know!!
Feb 28th 2008, 4:44 pm
#3
gurt mint nit?
Joined: Nov 2007
Location: In my shed
Posts: 2,776
Re: Totally Awesome American Inventions
Mountain Dew – Inexplicably, this neo-green carbonated beverage has not been declared a Class A drug yet – even though the potent combination of caffeine, sugar and whatever that neon green stuff is regularly drives people (especially kids) into sociopathic sugar-spasms characterized by rapid breathing, heart palpitations and repeated use of the word ‘Extreme!’ Simply the best soda in the world.
Try drinking Mountain Dew whilst munching on chocolate covered coffee beans. You'll be like that squirrel in the movie "Over the hedge".
Feb 28th 2008, 4:46 pm
#4
Bloody Yank
Joined: Oct 2005
Location: USA! USA!
Posts: 4,186
Re: Totally Awesome American Inventions
This thread is awesome! Like, totally.
Feb 28th 2008, 4:57 pm
#8
Joined: Mar 2003
Posts: 68,280
Re: Totally Awesome American Inventions
Lotta bleedin crap.
Feb 28th 2008, 5:05 pm
#9
Last orders please...
Joined: Sep 2005
Location: Way down deep in the middle of the Jungle..
Posts: 6,154
Re: Totally Awesome American Inventions
like no way....ya know...
Feb 28th 2008, 5:11 pm
#11
Unmitigated Gall
Joined: Dec 2006
Location: it's still too dark to tell
Posts: 16,162
Feb 28th 2008, 5:15 pm
#12
Riding on silver wings
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 10,543
Re: Totally Awesome American Inventions
Feb 28th 2008, 5:16 pm
#13
Unmitigated Gall
Joined: Dec 2006
Location: it's still too dark to tell
Posts: 16,162
Feb 28th 2008, 5:18 pm
#14
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Jan 2008
Location: Lake County IL
Posts: 1,953
Re: Totally Awesome American Inventions
One of my colleagues necks a bottle of that stuff every morning, his excuse is that the second ingredient listed is orange juice. I reckon it's the US equivalent of Lucozade when it comes to hangovers...
Feb 28th 2008, 5:41 pm
#15
Last orders please...
Joined: Sep 2005
Location: Way down deep in the middle of the Jungle..
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