Difficult to make friends in America?
Nov 13th 2012, 2:36 pm
#16
The worse half of Weeze
Joined: Mar 2012
Location: Back in TX
Posts: 3,231
Re: Difficult to make friends in America?
Funnily enough, the Aggie's played on Saturday night, whilst I was at a wedding in town. The wedding venue had a bar with a tv showing the game. Granted, it happened to fall into the drinking time, post ceremony, pre-dinner when photos were being taken but you don't really get that in the UK.
I've also seen it set up for England games at a wedding too.
Nov 13th 2012, 2:36 pm
#17
BE Site Lead
Joined: Aug 2004
Location: MA, USA
Posts: 92,170
Re: Difficult to make friends in America?
I'm finding it pretty similar. Even the "locals" aren't actually local to the state, so there seems to be a bit of a understanding of not being a local I guess.
Nov 13th 2012, 2:38 pm
#18
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 14,049
Re: Difficult to make friends in America?
I think the key word here is "some". All people are individuals, and whether they are British or American some people can connect with anyone anywhere, some people can connect only with certain types, and some people cannot connect with anyone, whether in their own country or elsewhere. Taking it one step further, some people are more adaptable than others.
What I find most interesting about observations of differences in culture between the Americans and the British is, being married to a Southeast Asian, how trivial most of the differences are in comparison. Taking this aspect one step further, many (most?) immigrants of my wife's nationality tend to stick together, whereas she avoids them altogether and all of her friendships are with born Americans and an occasional European immigrant.
Regards, JEff
What I find most interesting about observations of differences in culture between the Americans and the British is, being married to a Southeast Asian, how trivial most of the differences are in comparison. Taking this aspect one step further, many (most?) immigrants of my wife's nationality tend to stick together, whereas she avoids them altogether and all of her friendships are with born Americans and an occasional European immigrant.
Regards, JEff
Last edited by jeffreyhy; Nov 13th 2012 at 2:45 pm.
Nov 13th 2012, 2:42 pm
#19
.
Joined: Nov 2002
Location: Where bad things rarely happen in movies
Posts: 8,933
Re: Difficult to make friends in America?
) - no Texans - where are all the Texans!
Nov 13th 2012, 2:49 pm
#20
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Jun 2010
Location: Northern California
Posts: 1,712
Re: Difficult to make friends in America?
I can only speak from my own experience but i have l made some wonderful American friends - they have been so welcoming. When I was in the UK earlier in the summer (my mother was ill and eventually passed away) I had daily emails from the circle of ladies (US) I have met and they were so supportive -they kept me going and they were waiting at the airport for me to welcome me back
I do think that it depends on where you live - I live in a small community where people are the friendliest Ive ever come across
On the other hand I have also however "put myself out there" and any invitation I have received Ive taken up. I do consider myself lucky - I do really need my woman friends and would have found them somehow - thro the gym or whatever
I do think that it depends on where you live - I live in a small community where people are the friendliest Ive ever come across
On the other hand I have also however "put myself out there" and any invitation I have received Ive taken up. I do consider myself lucky - I do really need my woman friends and would have found them somehow - thro the gym or whatever
Nov 13th 2012, 3:06 pm
#21
Rootbeeraholic
Joined: Aug 2009
Location: Houston, Tx
Posts: 2,280
Re: Difficult to make friends in America?
I can only speak from my own experience but i have l made some wonderful American friends - they have been so welcoming. When I was in the UK earlier in the summer (my mother was ill and eventually passed away) I had daily emails from the circle of ladies (US) I have met and they were so supportive -they kept me going and they were waiting at the airport for me to welcome me back
I do think that it depends on where you live - I live in a small community where people are the friendliest Ive ever come across
On the other hand I have also however "put myself out there" and any invitation I have received Ive taken up. I do consider myself lucky - I do really need my woman friends and would have found them somehow - thro the gym or whatever
I do think that it depends on where you live - I live in a small community where people are the friendliest Ive ever come across
On the other hand I have also however "put myself out there" and any invitation I have received Ive taken up. I do consider myself lucky - I do really need my woman friends and would have found them somehow - thro the gym or whatever
Nov 13th 2012, 3:10 pm
#22
Banned
Joined: Feb 2012
Location: Purgatory (PU, USA)
Posts: 860
Re: Difficult to make friends in America?
Gender roles...another quite major difference. I have often observed that men tend to hang out solely with men, women solely with groups of women. There doesn't seem to be as much mixing up of men & women as there seemed to be back home, which is odd to me as I had quite a few platonic female friends.
Also, have any of you noticed that any such deviation in what the typical American male is ends up being labeled as "gay". For example, two guys going to lunch together, or a man doing the housework. I recall a mutual friend of my ex wife and I, whose husband was a stay at home dad. Many of their friends and family seemed to secretly have a problem with it.
Gender roles seem to be far more ingrained in American culture than in the UK or elsewhere. In terms of homosexuality, most people are tolerant depending on where you live, but there's still some outright hatred. In the UK, I think that most people simply do not care and will mind their own business.
Also, have any of you noticed that any such deviation in what the typical American male is ends up being labeled as "gay". For example, two guys going to lunch together, or a man doing the housework. I recall a mutual friend of my ex wife and I, whose husband was a stay at home dad. Many of their friends and family seemed to secretly have a problem with it.
Gender roles seem to be far more ingrained in American culture than in the UK or elsewhere. In terms of homosexuality, most people are tolerant depending on where you live, but there's still some outright hatred. In the UK, I think that most people simply do not care and will mind their own business.
Nov 13th 2012, 3:14 pm
#23
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 22,105
Re: Difficult to make friends in America?
Gender roles...another quite major difference. I have often observed that men tend to hang out solely with men, women solely with groups of women. There doesn't seem to be as much mixing up of men & women as there seemed to be back home, which is odd to me as I had quite a few platonic female friends.
Also, have any of you noticed that any such deviation in what the typical American male is ends up being labeled as "gay". For example, two guys going to lunch together, or a man doing the housework. I recall a mutual friend of my ex wife and I, whose husband was a stay at home dad. Many of their friends and family seemed to secretly have a problem with it.
Gender roles seem to be far more ingrained in American culture than in the UK or elsewhere. In terms of homosexuality, most people are tolerant depending on where you live, but there's still some outright hatred. In the UK, I think that most people simply do not care and will mind their own business.
Also, have any of you noticed that any such deviation in what the typical American male is ends up being labeled as "gay". For example, two guys going to lunch together, or a man doing the housework. I recall a mutual friend of my ex wife and I, whose husband was a stay at home dad. Many of their friends and family seemed to secretly have a problem with it.
Gender roles seem to be far more ingrained in American culture than in the UK or elsewhere. In terms of homosexuality, most people are tolerant depending on where you live, but there's still some outright hatred. In the UK, I think that most people simply do not care and will mind their own business.
Nov 13th 2012, 3:19 pm
#24
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 41,518
Re: Difficult to make friends in America?
Specific obstacles I have found:
People drop their kids to school by car and drive off - no chatting at the school gates.
No concept of just having a cuppa with someone - has to be a reason like fundraising for a cause, or to show you over their house.
No pub culture.
People seem to pick up and drop others without thinking about it.
Ethnic/religious groups seem to do a lot of socializing within their community.
No socializing arising from the workplace so I can't go along with my husband which I did quite a bit in England.
Obsession with appearance is not interesting to me.
I could not deal with all the backstabbing in the two volunteer organizations I have tried (maybe unlucky there).
People drop their kids to school by car and drive off - no chatting at the school gates.
No concept of just having a cuppa with someone - has to be a reason like fundraising for a cause, or to show you over their house.
No pub culture.
People seem to pick up and drop others without thinking about it.
Ethnic/religious groups seem to do a lot of socializing within their community.
No socializing arising from the workplace so I can't go along with my husband which I did quite a bit in England.
Obsession with appearance is not interesting to me.
I could not deal with all the backstabbing in the two volunteer organizations I have tried (maybe unlucky there).
Nov 13th 2012, 3:21 pm
#25
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 41,518
Re: Difficult to make friends in America?
Gender roles...another quite major difference. I have often observed that men tend to hang out solely with men, women solely with groups of women. There doesn't seem to be as much mixing up of men & women as there seemed to be back home, which is odd to me as I had quite a few platonic female friends.
Also, have any of you noticed that any such deviation in what the typical American male is ends up being labeled as "gay". For example, two guys going to lunch together, or a man doing the housework. I recall a mutual friend of my ex wife and I, whose husband was a stay at home dad. Many of their friends and family seemed to secretly have a problem with it.
Also, have any of you noticed that any such deviation in what the typical American male is ends up being labeled as "gay". For example, two guys going to lunch together, or a man doing the housework. I recall a mutual friend of my ex wife and I, whose husband was a stay at home dad. Many of their friends and family seemed to secretly have a problem with it.
Nov 13th 2012, 3:27 pm
#26
BE Site Lead
Joined: Aug 2004
Location: MA, USA
Posts: 92,170
Re: Difficult to make friends in America?
I can only speak from my own experience but i have l made some wonderful American friends - they have been so welcoming. When I was in the UK earlier in the summer (my mother was ill and eventually passed away) I had daily emails from the circle of ladies (US) I have met and they were so supportive -they kept me going and they were waiting at the airport for me to welcome me back
I do think that it depends on where you live - I live in a small community where people are the friendliest Ive ever come across
On the other hand I have also however "put myself out there" and any invitation I have received Ive taken up. I do consider myself lucky - I do really need my woman friends and would have found them somehow - thro the gym or whatever
I do think that it depends on where you live - I live in a small community where people are the friendliest Ive ever come across
On the other hand I have also however "put myself out there" and any invitation I have received Ive taken up. I do consider myself lucky - I do really need my woman friends and would have found them somehow - thro the gym or whatever
It was a little eye opening on how great friends really aren't more than a snip away from really being an acquaintance.
Nov 13th 2012, 3:33 pm
#27
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Jun 2010
Location: Northern California
Posts: 1,712
Re: Difficult to make friends in America?
I've found loads of people are really very friendly, lovely folks. Not to many that you can rely on for help though. In fact, when my missus got sick, apart from family and her best mate from college who lived in the area, only one other friend offered any help to take the kids for a few hours, or to stop by for dinner etc.
It was a little eye opening on how great friends really aren't more than a snip away from really being an acquaintance.
It was a little eye opening on how great friends really aren't more than a snip away from really being an acquaintance.
Maybe it's location - not sure
Nov 13th 2012, 3:40 pm
#28
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 22,105
Re: Difficult to make friends in America?
I've found loads of people are really very friendly, lovely folks. Not to many that you can rely on for help though. In fact, when my missus got sick, apart from family and her best mate from college who lived in the area, only one other friend offered any help to take the kids for a few hours, or to stop by for dinner etc.
It was a little eye opening on how great friends really aren't more than a snip away from really being an acquaintance.
It was a little eye opening on how great friends really aren't more than a snip away from really being an acquaintance.
Last edited by AmerLisa; Nov 13th 2012 at 3:58 pm.
Nov 13th 2012, 3:50 pm
#29
Deep in the woods of CT
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 7,002
Re: Difficult to make friends in America?
I've always gone with what the Beatles said -- it works for friendship as well as love, in any country in the world -- "And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make."
Nov 13th 2012, 4:09 pm
#30
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Joined: Nov 2002
Location: Where bad things rarely happen in movies
Posts: 8,933
Re: Difficult to make friends in America?
Gender roles...another quite major difference. I have often observed that men tend to hang out solely with men, women solely with groups of women. There doesn't seem to be as much mixing up of men & women as there seemed to be back home, which is odd to me as I had quite a few platonic female friends.
Also, have any of you noticed that any such deviation in what the typical American male is ends up being labeled as "gay". For example, two guys going to lunch together, or a man doing the housework. I recall a mutual friend of my ex wife and I, whose husband was a stay at home dad. Many of their friends and family seemed to secretly have a problem with it.
Gender roles seem to be far more ingrained in American culture than in the UK or elsewhere. In terms of homosexuality, most people are tolerant depending on where you live, but there's still some outright hatred. In the UK, I think that most people simply do not care and will mind their own business.
Also, have any of you noticed that any such deviation in what the typical American male is ends up being labeled as "gay". For example, two guys going to lunch together, or a man doing the housework. I recall a mutual friend of my ex wife and I, whose husband was a stay at home dad. Many of their friends and family seemed to secretly have a problem with it.
Gender roles seem to be far more ingrained in American culture than in the UK or elsewhere. In terms of homosexuality, most people are tolerant depending on where you live, but there's still some outright hatred. In the UK, I think that most people simply do not care and will mind their own business.
As a stay at home dad for the 10+ years we've been here, it has been very enlightening seeing the prejudices coming out. A lot of people simply haven't known how to take me. In the early days, they always seemed to be looking for some ulterior motive - Visa restriciotn so can't work (nope, got a green card), disabled? (Nope), criminal record (nope) etc etc. I guess a lot presumably concluded I was either lazy, gay, a kiddy fiddler or a wife stealer (correct answer is "none of the above"!).
It took a long time to get my then 18 month old into a playgroup, and even when I did, some of the moms weren't allowed to come (allowed! in the 2000's!) because their husbands didn't approve. Quite a few of them would only come if it was at a park. When it was my turn to host, the turnout declined somewhat....
I think my choice of role has certainly impacted my ability to make friends here. I did get in with a good group of moms, mainly expat it has to be said, although once the kids got to school age, things changed. I still meet up with some of them now and then, but I declined to become a full on member of the "Ladies that Lunch" club, and couldn't stand the tennis/coffeemorning/shopping cycle that a lot of the expat moms exist in. I now spend and spend a lot of time volunteering at the school and after 6 years of being up there 3-4 times a week, I still get the odd comment, but most people now accept me as part of the furniture.