Anxious of the thought of going back to US
Oct 16th 2017, 1:08 am
#16
Austin. TX.
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 5,930
Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US
I would also add that should the marriage break up while you are in the US...you may not be able to move back to the UK with your children unless your husband gives his legal consent. This is something that has arisen on BE several times over the years...one parent finds themselves stuck in a country they don’t wish to be in because of custody issues.
I think everyone who moves internationally with their family should be made aware of the Hague Convention on Childhood abductions and what it may mean for them. It's not just about abductions
Oct 17th 2017, 8:25 am
#17
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Feb 2013
Posts: 6,148
Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US
Thanks for all the reassurance.
We moved to the UK to be closer to my family for when we had kids. Also factors were the NHS, better time off from work etc.
We live in England very close to my sister which is great but they are a busy family too and we don't always get to see them much. They help when they can but it's not loads. My parents are in Northern Ireland and we see them about every other month. I'd desperately miss being so close to them. But my hubby hates it so much here it's affecting our marriage and I'm primarily thinking of that. I'll tolerate the US much better than he tolerates the UK.
His biggest issue is the weather. He can't stand grey days and there's a lot of them. Also not a fan of dreary rain. Minnesota is cold and snowy but not frequently grey.
He's also struggled to make friends here. He's become depressed and withdrawn and he's determined he doesn't want to live here. He resents me for the move and like I say, it's been a big stress for us. I'm reluctant to move as I'm worried he thinks it's a magic formula for feeling better. I think it will definitely help but I'm cautious. I also feel like I don't have much choice.
He's also self employed (as am I when I'm not on maternity leave) so he doesn't benefit from good holiday time off etc. The NHS has been amazing and I'll miss it a lot especially with kids. Complications with my first baby were looked after seemleesly and not a mention of money...I don't think a lot of Brits value the NHS enough.
And yes as much as we want to ignore it, politics is a big fat ugly reality. We've got Trump on one side and Brexit on the other and neither of us are keen on either situation.
Despite how my husband feels, I think it's been good for us to move here. He understands where I come from much better. He's changed his attitude to some things and he appreciates what it feels like to feel a bit foreign in another country. I just hope he can see it as a positive thing eventually.
We moved to the UK to be closer to my family for when we had kids. Also factors were the NHS, better time off from work etc.
We live in England very close to my sister which is great but they are a busy family too and we don't always get to see them much. They help when they can but it's not loads. My parents are in Northern Ireland and we see them about every other month. I'd desperately miss being so close to them. But my hubby hates it so much here it's affecting our marriage and I'm primarily thinking of that. I'll tolerate the US much better than he tolerates the UK.
His biggest issue is the weather. He can't stand grey days and there's a lot of them. Also not a fan of dreary rain. Minnesota is cold and snowy but not frequently grey.
He's also struggled to make friends here. He's become depressed and withdrawn and he's determined he doesn't want to live here. He resents me for the move and like I say, it's been a big stress for us. I'm reluctant to move as I'm worried he thinks it's a magic formula for feeling better. I think it will definitely help but I'm cautious. I also feel like I don't have much choice.
He's also self employed (as am I when I'm not on maternity leave) so he doesn't benefit from good holiday time off etc. The NHS has been amazing and I'll miss it a lot especially with kids. Complications with my first baby were looked after seemleesly and not a mention of money...I don't think a lot of Brits value the NHS enough.
And yes as much as we want to ignore it, politics is a big fat ugly reality. We've got Trump on one side and Brexit on the other and neither of us are keen on either situation.
Despite how my husband feels, I think it's been good for us to move here. He understands where I come from much better. He's changed his attitude to some things and he appreciates what it feels like to feel a bit foreign in another country. I just hope he can see it as a positive thing eventually.
If his only problem is weather, that's a sign you have a good life and don't really have any other real problems. It seems you have a good life in the UK with the bonus of family, so why don't you sell the house in Minnesota and buy a holiday home in Portugal/Spain.
Oct 18th 2017, 3:48 am
#18
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 429
Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US
I told me English wife when we married I couldn't live in England, but than again she never showed any desire to return. Socially I couldn't handle it and making a living out there...I couldn't imagine. It looks like an inside game more so than the states.
Maybe if I had the cash I could've bought Lola before they went bankrupt. Just a thought. Maybe I coulda run a fishing boat? Fish & Chips place?
Oct 18th 2017, 4:26 am
#19
Austin. TX.
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 5,930
Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US
you think?
I've been outside of the UK in France and the USA for over 15 years. I've seen more marriages go down the pan than I care to think about. I've experienced more heartache concerning this Hague Convention than you would imagine through my friends both here and in France.
Even on here on BE, as Jerseygirl alluded to.
Anyway, I'm not sure that warning people would do much because no-one ever thinks it will happen to them.
I've been outside of the UK in France and the USA for over 15 years. I've seen more marriages go down the pan than I care to think about. I've experienced more heartache concerning this Hague Convention than you would imagine through my friends both here and in France.
Even on here on BE, as Jerseygirl alluded to.
Anyway, I'm not sure that warning people would do much because no-one ever thinks it will happen to them.
Oct 18th 2017, 4:27 am
#20
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Jul 2008
Location: Portlandia Metro
Posts: 7,425
Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US
Or maybe move closer to an airport and take advantage of Easy Jet flights.
Oct 18th 2017, 4:45 am
#21
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Mar 2014
Posts: 429
Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US
you think?
I've been outside of the UK in France and the USA for over 15 years. I've seen more marriages go down the pan than I care to think about. I've experienced more heartache concerning this Hague Convention than you would imagine through my friends both here and in France.
Even on here on BE, as Jerseygirl alluded to.
Anyway, I'm not sure that warning people would do much because no-one ever thinks it will happen to them.
I've been outside of the UK in France and the USA for over 15 years. I've seen more marriages go down the pan than I care to think about. I've experienced more heartache concerning this Hague Convention than you would imagine through my friends both here and in France.
Even on here on BE, as Jerseygirl alluded to.
Anyway, I'm not sure that warning people would do much because no-one ever thinks it will happen to them.
The question is, is she going to cut the apron strings to mom or make a go of her marriage?
. You could be stuck in traffic for 2 hours or just fly to a sun destination if that's the real problem.
Oct 18th 2017, 1:15 pm
#23
Austin. TX.
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 5,930
Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US
Jeepster....
this couple are already impacted by the hague convention. If hubbie wants to go back to the USA and wife doesn't, well, the kids get to stay with her and he doesn't get any choice.
Reverse for the USA. Now, she's married to a USC so she's a lucky one if they move here and end up getting divorced because she's allowed to stay. If she wants to go back to UK with kids and hubbie says no....at least she can stay with her kids. That's tough though, being forced to live somewhere like that.
Imagine if you are on temporary work visas and the marriage ends. What then?
So yes, at least if you know about it and you see problems in the marriage coming at you then you can get prepared.
this couple are already impacted by the hague convention. If hubbie wants to go back to the USA and wife doesn't, well, the kids get to stay with her and he doesn't get any choice.
Reverse for the USA. Now, she's married to a USC so she's a lucky one if they move here and end up getting divorced because she's allowed to stay. If she wants to go back to UK with kids and hubbie says no....at least she can stay with her kids. That's tough though, being forced to live somewhere like that.
Imagine if you are on temporary work visas and the marriage ends. What then?
So yes, at least if you know about it and you see problems in the marriage coming at you then you can get prepared.
Last edited by petitefrancaise; Oct 18th 2017 at 1:25 pm.
Oct 18th 2017, 1:42 pm
#24
SUPER MODERATOR
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 88,017
Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US
Jeepster....
this couple are already impacted by the hague convention. If hubbie wants to go back to the USA and wife doesn't, well, the kids get to stay with her and he doesn't get any choice.
Reverse for the USA. Now, she's married to a USC so she's a lucky one if they move here and end up getting divorced because she's allowed to stay. If she wants to go back to UK with kids and hubbie says no....at least she can stay with her kids. That's tough though, being forced to live somewhere like that.
Imagine if you are on temporary work visas and the marriage ends. What then?
So yes, at least if you know about it and you see problems in the marriage coming at you then you can get prepared.
this couple are already impacted by the hague convention. If hubbie wants to go back to the USA and wife doesn't, well, the kids get to stay with her and he doesn't get any choice.
Reverse for the USA. Now, she's married to a USC so she's a lucky one if they move here and end up getting divorced because she's allowed to stay. If she wants to go back to UK with kids and hubbie says no....at least she can stay with her kids. That's tough though, being forced to live somewhere like that.
Imagine if you are on temporary work visas and the marriage ends. What then?
So yes, at least if you know about it and you see problems in the marriage coming at you then you can get prepared.
Oct 18th 2017, 1:56 pm
#25
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 10,006
Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US
It would be a nice world if all parents put the interests of their children first, and realize marriage as well as life isn't perfect nor should one expect it to be.
Oct 18th 2017, 2:05 pm
#26
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Jul 2016
Posts: 10,006
Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US
advice from me.
NEVER move to try and fix a marriage. Even the best marriages can have a tough time weathering the stress and you just take the issues with you. As Bob, a great BE poster says "same shit, different bucket".
The issues that lead you to leave the USA - are still here but now you have kids.
A decent salaried job would probably ease some of it. You could afford flights home fairly regularly and decent health insurance.
It seems to me that this is only going to work if you are willing to be more accommodating than your husband and stronger than your husband has been.
Personally, I'd move only if he had a job to go to otherwise he's going to be miserable and broke in Minnesota too. I'm not saying that you shouldn't/couldn't work but you all need health insurance and money and it's going to need both of you pulling the weight of family life. Not just you. You sound strong just by considering doing it. You are rightly anxious about it but stand up for what you need too.
NEVER move to try and fix a marriage. Even the best marriages can have a tough time weathering the stress and you just take the issues with you. As Bob, a great BE poster says "same shit, different bucket".
The issues that lead you to leave the USA - are still here but now you have kids.
A decent salaried job would probably ease some of it. You could afford flights home fairly regularly and decent health insurance.
It seems to me that this is only going to work if you are willing to be more accommodating than your husband and stronger than your husband has been.
Personally, I'd move only if he had a job to go to otherwise he's going to be miserable and broke in Minnesota too. I'm not saying that you shouldn't/couldn't work but you all need health insurance and money and it's going to need both of you pulling the weight of family life. Not just you. You sound strong just by considering doing it. You are rightly anxious about it but stand up for what you need too.
To me the first priority which is a better life for the children. Second, husband seems to be a bit immature, and moving to Minnesota may be just an escapist fantasy- and US is very hard place to be without a job or money and with children.
On the other hand, if he has in a mature fashion mapped out how the family will be better off in Minnesota, maybe it could work out. Yes UK can be grey and weather not the best, but Spain is quite accessible and cheap to visit for a break.
As far as the politics who really cares on a day to day basis. Trump or May wont be there forever.
Oct 20th 2017, 11:32 pm
#27
Grumpy Know-it-all
Joined: Jul 2010
Location: Calgary, Alberta
Posts: 8,928
Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US
What a depressing thread. Anyone consider that hubbie is right and Minnesota is nicer than England? Because I tend to agree on that point.
Oct 21st 2017, 1:41 am
#28
Austin. TX.
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 5,930
Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US
did you not read the first post or even the OP's second post in this thread?
It's not just about whether MN or the UK is a better place to live.
If they'd stayed, for example, I wonder what kind of bill they would have had with a difficult birth?
FWIW. I'd vote for England over Minnesota.
Oct 21st 2017, 2:46 am
#29
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 2,900
Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US
really?
did you not read the first post or even the OP's second post in this thread?
It's not just about whether MN or the UK is a better place to live.
If they'd stayed, for example, I wonder what kind of bill they would have had with a difficult birth?
FWIW. I'd vote for England over Minnesota.
did you not read the first post or even the OP's second post in this thread?
It's not just about whether MN or the UK is a better place to live.
If they'd stayed, for example, I wonder what kind of bill they would have had with a difficult birth?
FWIW. I'd vote for England over Minnesota.
OP has only made one follow-up post, some time ago.
We don't know:
1. If there is a history of problems in the marriage, or if issues only started once they settled into the UK;.
2. What their financial state is in the UK compared to what it would be in Minnesota;
3. If they have a well-developed plan for moving back to Minnesota.
Etc etc etc.
If the marriage had been clear sailing and the husband just hates the UK, than sure, move. Health expenses can certainly be managed with a well-thought-out plan and strategy, and being from the US the husband would konw that.
On one hand - I do agree that moving to save a marriage is not a good idea. On the other hand - OP did nothing to indicate there were in fact underlying issues, and some posters (including yourself) may have jumped the gun in assuming that there are other issues and prematurely brought in talk of divorce, child abductions and so on. If the issue is just living in the UK I certainly don't think OP should risk the marriage over that.
Oct 21st 2017, 2:52 am
#30
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Joined: Jan 2017
Posts: 2,900
Re: Anxious of the thought of going back to US
Let me also add - if my wife came to me and said she was miserable and wanted to move back to Western Europe, I would push back a bit. If it persisted over, say, a year, thus proving the unhappiness was long-term - I would be open to it and if we could map out a plan for it, I would do it. We have a very stable marriage (nothing to indicate that OP is different) and viewing a move back to Western Europe as a precursor to divorce or child abduction would not even remotely enter my mind, and I would see it as paranoia.