SadInStates

We came to the USA 15 years ago with our baby. Now have 5, aged 9-nearly 17. We told ourselves at the time it would only be for a few years...a bit of an adventure.

Suddenly 15 years have gone by and we've suddenly realised if we don't go back now we'll be here until we retire, another 17 years, while the kids finish school/college and find their feet. That thought just leaves me cold.

I can't say we absolutely hate it here, it's a nice, easy life, but it is so boring. Over the last several years we've taken annual holidays to the UK to see grandparents etc, and it's always a wrench to have to come back.

But the thing is the 3 teens now hate having to go to the UK each year It's not like they have a riotous social life here all summer though, just lying in bed all day.

Hubby is applying for jobs in the UK. He did 5 years ago, but got nowhere as he didn't have the skills at the time. Who'd have thought moving to mighty America was like stepping back in time regarding IT! He now has what they are looking for but we feel being out here is a huge setback. We felt it 5 years ago too. Unless you're already in the UK, they're not interested.

BUT, the eldest is our biggest problem. He refused to come with us on vacation this year and stayed with a friend's family. He has categorically refused point blank to even consider a move, so much so that I think he would even go so far as to marry his gf to stay! He is 11th grade/Yr 12 UK, and nearly 17. He is not a great student, (none of them are), and just wants to leave school. He is a party animal with no plans but to hang with friends. Is too lazy even to look for a part time job to support his lifestyle.

The next one is in 10th grade/Yr11UK and would also find it hard, but he is a lot more solitary by nature and would probably cope. He keeps everything close to his chest though so is hard to read. I'm not worried about the younger 3, they'd adapt.

The question is, do we (potentially) ruin their lives by dragging them away from everything they know (by force in the case of the eldest) just because we their parents prefer to live in the UK? Or stay until they finish school and then leave them to retire in the UK. I honestly think there would be more opportunity for them in the UK regarding alternatives to education. Here they need to graduate college with good grades to get even a sniff of a job with good healthcare benefits.

We always told ourselves that if hubby was made redundant we'd up and go, but the company is hanging on to him like one clings to a lifeboat, despite his office being pared down to just a skeleton team now. Talk is the office will be closed in another year or 2 anyway.

Redundancy would at least absolve our guilt a bit (we'd no longer be the bad guys forcing our kids to go!), but I'm not sure we can wait that long. Once the eldest is 18 he is free to do as he chooses, despite not having any way of supporting himself, and in the States, that is very scary.

We're just going back and forth over what would be best, but feel like we are stuck between a rock and a hard place.

SadInStates

Forgot to add, we all have our US citizenship, and all kids have British birth certificates too, so the door is wide open.

Told the eldest that if, in 15 months when he is 18, he wanted to return he could. But didn't tell him he'd have to finance it himself!

islandwoman120

I came over here 24 years ago with a 4 yr old, to join my extended family. My son is now a fully fledged American, a member of the US military, and seems happy enough. He has just gone to college on the GI Bill (or the modern day equivalent whatever it is called) as he did a tour of duty in Iraq. He did not have any choice in the change of country as he was so little, but his nature is such that he would probably have fought me tooth and nail against moving from what he knew and was comfortable with. So...
a) is it possible to make arrangements for your eldest to stay with friends to complete HS over here while the rest of you go to the UK? or
b) as you do not at this moment have a job in the UK, could your husband go ahead and find work/a place to live while you stay here and finalize the thousands of details involved in an international move? Believe me, and anyone else on this site, there are thousands of details to sort through! And it will take many months - even a year or more - to complete everything you need to do, which will give your eldest time to graduate HS in the USA. Then, as you say, he will be 18 and can make his own (legal) decisions.

Just my 2 cents/pennies worth.

Barbara B.

This would be my worst fear. I don't know if I am fortunate in that our kids want a move too, but I know there will of course be lots of aspects of life in our host country they will miss once gone.

It's definitely easier to relocate when the kids are little. More of an adventure for them (that's what we found).

It's such a difficult decision to make, but I suppose you'd be best to follow your hearts and consider the effect that had on the kids and do what you can to help them with the changes or to research their options.

Putting it to your 17 year old as a trip out with the option to return may be the best thing, but if he doesn't even want to holiday in the UK, you could be lining yourself up for lots of "You ruined my life!" if the slightest thing goes wrong or life is a great challenge in the UK.

Maybe the answer is to slowly make your own plans to leave, prepare the younger ones for that eventuality and try and help the older one to set up someone on his own more independently?

Mummy in the foothills

I suppose letting them all know they are free to move back to the US once they are of age is good, it's not like you are making them move forever if it's that bad in their eyes.
Mind you if all they do is go to school and sleep I'd be cutting off the gravy train and saving the money for the our return to UK, no one is too good to flip burgers for a living in my house and I'd be shoving them out the door to find jobs and see what real life is like, it usually changes the attitude of life is great I can do what I want when they have to finance themselves. 17 is plenty old enough to work evenings and weekends.

SadInStates

I don't know his friends families well enough to do this. The only reason he stayed in the summer was they were the only parents we'd met, from when they'd been best friends in elementary school! Since starting secondary school he's stopped bringing his friends home, always him going to them. We've been here so long but have only managed to make polite acquaintences, no real friends.

DH wouldn't cope without me! He could manage a week or two max. Besides, I'm not sure I'd want to deal with truculent teens on my own for so long either!

SadInStates

I know he would not even try to make it work. He is very passive resistive, and will nod and agree, then do what he wants anyway.

With an 11 y/o daughter who is very much like him (but still able to be influenced) I feel if we miss this window, it's gone until they've all flown the nest.

SadInStates

His allowance stopped at 16 when he got his drivers license. But he is happy to sponge off of friends, and they all seem to have unlimited disposable income.

Believe me I wish he'd hurry up and learn the 'life owes me" lesson myth!

If we were to leave him here he really would be on his own. We can't afford to support him from afar, and I'm sure none of his friends parents want to support him when we 'abandon' him!

Sally Redux

I would say you brought him here and wanted him to fit in in the States. Now you want to go back, that's quite tough on him. I would say wait till he's 18 and can make his own decision to be fair to him.

SadInStates

Well we hadn't intended to stay long enough for him to have started school, let alone settle in, but I see what you mean. We've made our bed so to speak.

I think if we have to money aside to get him a ticket, the sheer hard work of having to survive on his own would have him soon following. This may be their live now, but I think they'd soon come to realise on which side their bread is buttered!

Mummy in the foothills

They do an very quickly. Ds has moved to UK (once he graduated Uni) and is staying at Grandmas house, he has a roof, food and unlimited hot water. But no Mum and Dad there to pay his way, he needs a little car, his new jobs starts next month after months of temp work and usually we would front him and he'd pay us back. He is getting thrown in the deep end with finances, funny really cause that the job he'll be doing, I hope he sorts his out before giving help to anyone else

SadInStates

Our main problem with having 5 kids, is that we'll be in the same situation for years to come! Do we act now while only two and a half are unwilling, or wait and find all 5 are unwilling?

Current grades are; 1) 11th/Yr 12, 2) 10th/Yr11, 3) 8th/Yr9, 4) 6th/Yr 6 (misses cut-off date for yr7), and 5) 4th/Yr5.
Now is a good time for the younger 3, but that won't last for more than a year.

Also my husband's parents are in their 80s now and are suddenly becomming very frail. DH is their only child and is naturally wanting to be closer. Our parents have been very good at coming out to us when we couldn't go to visit them, and there is a huge pull to be there for them.

Mummy in the foothills

Gawd you are in a spot and it could be forever before they are all old enough to see to themselves. I'm with you now sounds better, pull it off quick and sudden like a band-aid and get it all over with. The oldest needs to fall in line. Maybe a talk to some of the friends parents so they aren't fronting him money and making him think he can go it alone may be in order. I hope you can get all the ducks in a row and move with all of them, whether they are fussing and whining doesn't bother me with the kids, they do as we tell them, I'm one mean mama.
Maybe the move with the promise of a trip back at 18 (on his own to see his friends) and permanent if he wants so long as he can cope on his own will get everyone moved.
All you need now is for him to find a girlfriend

SadInStates

He's recently found one!
But he would have been anti-move anyway.

I thought we were doing them (and us!) a favour taking them to the UK every year for the last few years, but it seems to have backfired on us!

brissybee

I'm sorry I don't have a solution, but maybe some ideas to consider.

The fact that he has a girlfriend makes it, understandably, very hard for him. Could you offer to fly her over to see him in the UK after twelve months? She might like the idea of a paid holiday (gap year?) and convince him of its merits... and in the meantime one of them might meet someone else closer to home (might not though!)...

Whatever you do, you will HAVE TO let him think the decision to move is his. He will resent you if you force the move on him. Look at what he is passionate about, and find out where that will fit with the UK. Don't "tell him" about opportunities, discuss them within his earshot... or just leave information lying around. Maybe there is something he can do in the UK that will, in his eyes, make him seem impressive to his American friends. Make sure he knows they can visit him and stay.

If he still refuses to join you, you will either have to buckle and stay in the US or bite the bullet and tell him he will have to support himself if he stays in the States. He may not be able to (and there are obvious risks with that) or he might hate whatever job he gets and eventually decide to join you in the UK. Maybe that's when a more "attractive" option in the UK might win over. At this age, his friends will be the most important thing to him. Maybe he can bring someone with him for a while to help settle him in for the move... and to join him on outings where he will meet English friends of his own age.

The bottom line is that one way or another you are going to have to pay for your decision to move. If you understand that he is also paying for your decisions, with his life, then the cost to you might not seem so high.

Unfortunately, I may have a similar problem in a few years... and hopefully I might find a solution in my own advice