DAVIE_MAC

A good night out.........Just gotta choose where ya wanna go......

DAVIE_MAC

The Burglar and Jesus

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight
around, looking for valuables; and when he picked up a CD player to
place
in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying,
"Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his
flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he
shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score,
then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear
as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shined
his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on
a parrot. Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn
you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed ... "What kind of people would name a bird
Moses?"
"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."


__________________________________________________ _________

lilacheart

Yes, it's again that magical time of the year when the Darwin

awards are bestowed, honouring the least evolved among us.







Here is the glorious Winner 2007







1. When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended

victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James

Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the

barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.







And now, the Honourable Mentions:







2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a

meat-cutting machine and submitted a claim to his insurance company. The

company, expecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look

for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's

claim was approved.







3. A man who shovelled snow for an hour to clear a space for his

car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a

woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.







4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus

driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be

transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his

incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there

a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital,

telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre

fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.







5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from

serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received

the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close

he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.







6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the

counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the

man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the

clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled,

leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got

from the drawer: $15.



(If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime

committed?)







7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He

decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through a liquor store window, grab

some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinderblock and heaved it over his head

at the window. The cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on

the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of

Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.







8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a

man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the

woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher.

Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the

car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car

and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes,

officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."







9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked

into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and

demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't

open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion

rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man,

frustrated, walked away.







******A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER*****







10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home

parked on a Seattle Street, he got much more than he bargained for.

Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a

motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man

admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into

the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined

to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

koogar

Bob looks well

DAVIE_MAC

HAHAHA
PMSL

That was funny

lilacheart

Look, I have had a hard life and the photo was taken on a bad day

lilacheart

[ATTACH]56271

And before you ask they are not my children.............thank fully

Gremmie

Davie Mac,how did you fair with all your tests etc. are you now a rocket scientist ????

DAVIE_MAC

Awsome!

This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why! Justimagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. ManySydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game iscalled 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they aremarried or seriously involved with someone. If the contestantanswers'yes',he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personalquestions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with(phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour Citydrop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the fu**iest thingyou've heard yet.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:


DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'


Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'


DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast ifyou win.
What is your name? First only please.'

Contestant: 'Brian.'


DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'


Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'


DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'


Brian: 'Sara.'


DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'


Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'


DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'


Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'


DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?'


Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'


DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'


Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'


DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'


Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'


DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have saidthat if a trip wasn't at stake.'

Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'


DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?


Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'


DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'


Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with usfor couple of weeks...'


DJ: 'Uh huh...'


Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'


DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than theprevious hundredtimes I've done it.
Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number andcall her up.


You listen to this.'
[3 minutes of commercials follow. ]


DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?' (Touchtones.....ringing....)


Clerk: 'Kinkos.'

DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'

Clerk: 'This is she.'


DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now andI've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'

Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'

DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not togive any\answers away or you'll lose.Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'

Sarah: 'No.'

DJ: 'Good!'


Brian: (laughing)


Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'


Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Becompletely honest.'


DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. Ifyour answers match Brian's answers, then the both of youwill be off tothe Gold Coast for 5 days on us.


Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'


DJ: 'What time?'

Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'

DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'


Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'

DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect ismanhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question awayfrom a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'


Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'


DJ: 'Where did you have it?'


Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'


Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'


DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'


Sarah: 'Well...'


DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?


Sarah: 'Up the arse.....'

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to havea heart attack, he could not stop laughing.Apparently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Policejust after this conversation, for minor traffic collisions.

DAVIE_MAC

Are you refering to the tests & questions you set me.

I have not had time to read all the info you guys posted as I have been away for 3 weeks on a course so only been posting and reading in between other things. I am now back to work on Monday so will have more time to read and print off info at their expense

And will attempt my questions.

Gremmie

I was refering to you course you plonker

DAVIE_MAC

Yeh all went well TA.

Will be doing another few soon.

PRINCE2 Project Manager Practitioner as part of my resettlement.

Was looking into CPC and some other Logistics courses but seeing as they are not recognised in Canada will not be worth it.

Gremmie

I found it ??????
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-6la6ieu-P8

Gremmie

OMG
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mqe-iFGvXnw

pete d

your such a child gremmie.