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What would you do....

What would you do....

Old Jul 28th 2015, 4:41 am
  #16  
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Default Re: What would you do....

Originally Posted by markonline1
Its not quite that simple unfortunately. I'll speak to the boss tomorrow to sound them out, but the job market here is poor. I'm never gonna earn mega bucks living where I do, but I'm currently doing a job I really enjoy. I'd prefer not to just walk away if I can help it. I'm not that religious, but I really like the idea of attending the local church just to collect my thoughts, and remember one of the biggest influences of my life. That suggestion is exactly why I started this thread
I would ask your employer for minimal time off to go to the funeral. It would have to be a pretty unreasonable employer to react negatively to your request and hold it against you.

I've managed to get back for all close family funerals bar one. I'm glad I did.
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Old Jul 28th 2015, 4:46 am
  #17  
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Default Re: What would you do....

I know the Monterey area pretty well. And you're right -- if you aren't a self-employed professional, then there aren't that many jobs that don't involve swilling food, booze and/or bedsheets for tourists, even during the strongest of economies. (It's a beautiful place, but professionally, it's mostly a backwater.) So your point about the job situation in the area is well taken and accurate.

If you don't need to attend the service for the sake of your own closure or helping the family find theirs, and if your assessment of your employer is accurate, then you should seriously consider staying. It's an unfortunate choice, but one that can't be dismissed. In any case, it is correct that funerals are for the living, and depending upon your circumstances, your family may be better off if you visited during a time when they can focus on you instead of now when they have to dwell on other matters.

However, if it will eat you up inside if you don't attend, then you may just have to bite the bullet and take a risk. Only you know the answer to this.

My sincere condolences to you.

Last edited by RoadWarriorFromLP; Jul 28th 2015 at 4:48 am.
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Old Jul 28th 2015, 5:07 am
  #18  
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Default Re: What would you do....

Originally Posted by Pulaski

If you're trying to establish yourself in a new job then I wouldn't go back, and I guess your grandfather wouldn't expect you to. Most of the elderly I have known are very pragmatic: once you're gone, you're gone, and the funeral doesn't mean anything to the dead. ...... So how concerned are you that your relatives will be upset at you for not going?
I couldn't agree more. Nutmegger had a great idea as well.
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Old Jul 28th 2015, 5:16 am
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Default Re: What would you do....

I was very close to one of my granddads and I am very sorry you are in this position, and for your loss.

If it was me I would do what is the right thing for your family. Putting your job at risk is not in their best interests. You may have to live with some regrets for not going to the funeral, but I would suggest the regrets if you do might be worse. Your granddad would understand.
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Old Jul 28th 2015, 5:19 am
  #20  
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Default Re: What would you do....

Thanks everyone. some great advice here. I'm feeling better than I did a while ago. I'm gonna mention it to my boss tomorrow, but I already feel confident I can say goodbye without actually being at the funeral. Thanks again all.
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Old Jul 28th 2015, 11:58 am
  #21  
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Default Re: What would you do....

Originally Posted by markonline1
Thanks everyone. some great advice here. I'm feeling better than I did a while ago. I'm gonna mention it to my boss tomorrow, but I already feel confident I can say goodbye without actually being at the funeral. Thanks again all.
Life is all about comprises . It gets more complicated when there is just not YOU to consider in the equation.

I think you are doing what you feel is right.
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Old Jul 28th 2015, 12:14 pm
  #22  
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Default Re: What would you do....

So sorry to hear about loss Mark - everyone has given really good advice, so I can't really add much more, but just wanted to say I was thinking of you.

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Old Jul 28th 2015, 3:49 pm
  #23  
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Default Re: What would you do....

Thanks once again for the messages, both here, via the karma button and via pm. It's very much appreciated.
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Old Jul 29th 2015, 3:28 am
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Default Re: What would you do....

Sorry to hear about your grandad. 90 is a good innings, but that doesn't minimise your loss.

Jobs come and jobs go, but the regret you may feel for not attending his funeral might last a lifetime.
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Old Jul 29th 2015, 7:51 pm
  #25  
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Default Re: What would you do....

Sorry to hear about your loss!
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Old Jul 29th 2015, 9:07 pm
  #26  
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Default Re: What would you do....

My grandfather recently passed away, and whilst I had no issues being approved for time off, the question of whether or not the funeral justified the expense was definitely asked.

In the end, it came down to an easier question of "would he have come to my funeral?". Without question, the answer was yes he would.

So, despite the expensive flights, etc, I had no problem going back for his funeral. I "get" that he probably wouldn't expect you to come out, but he likely would have come to yours if the shoe was on the other foot.

Just my two cents.
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Old Jul 30th 2015, 1:21 am
  #27  
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Default Re: What would you do....

Sorry to hear about your loss. If your boss is OK with you going and you can afford it, I would go but as others have said, your Grand-dad would probably prefer you spend your money and time wisely. Your memories will be still with you and hopefully those memories will be passed down by you to your children.

I often wonder what it must have been like in days of exploration of the US with people just upping sticks to another unseen land, never see your family again. You would know it was a dangerous journey but somehow it promised a better life than staying where you were. No forums to ask what should I do, what visa do I need, will I like the weather LOL. I couldn't imagine living in Texas without air conditioning. Even worse, really hot one day and freezing next because you wouldn't know there was a front about to blow down from Canada.
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Old Jul 30th 2015, 7:36 am
  #28  
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Default Re: What would you do....

Originally Posted by RoadWarriorFromLP
I know the Monterey area pretty well. And you're right -- if you aren't a self-employed professional, then there aren't that many jobs that don't involve swilling food, booze and/or bedsheets for tourists, even during the strongest of economies. (It's a beautiful place, but professionally, it's mostly a backwater.) So your point about the job situation in the area is well taken and accurate.

If you don't need to attend the service for the sake of your own closure or helping the family find theirs, and if your assessment of your employer is accurate, then you should seriously consider staying. It's an unfortunate choice, but one that can't be dismissed. In any case, it is correct that funerals are for the living, and depending upon your circumstances, your family may be better off if you visited during a time when they can focus on you instead of now when they have to dwell on other matters.

However, if it will eat you up inside if you don't attend, then you may just have to bite the bullet and take a risk. Only you know the answer to this.

My sincere condolences to you.
Originally Posted by AmerLisa
I couldn't agree more. Nutmegger had a great idea as well.
Originally Posted by lansbury
I was very close to one of my granddads and I am very sorry you are in this position, and for your loss.

If it was me I would do what is the right thing for your family. Putting your job at risk is not in their best interests. You may have to live with some regrets for not going to the funeral, but I would suggest the regrets if you do might be worse. Your granddad would understand.
I agree with these guys - funerals are for the living, not the dead. I never went back for my Grandad's funeral and quite honestly I hadn't thought about it until reading your post. I loved my Grandad, he was a great guy. Seeing him in a box was not how I wanted to remember him. I still cherish the memories of him alive. But if you think it may eat you up, go.

Edit To Add ... I did attend my Grandmother's funeral (his wife); I remember I did that because of my Grandad; I knew HE would like the fact I was there. But with the death of my Grandad, that 'generation' was gone and for his funeral it would just be his children - my aunts and uncles and a bunch of cousins, who quite frankly I didn't care too much for. I care for my mom, and I knew she understood that I didn't want to attend, so all was well.

Last edited by Steerpike; Jul 30th 2015 at 7:43 am.
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Old Jul 30th 2015, 8:14 pm
  #29  
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Default Re: What would you do....

....I am sorry you've lost your grandad - someone so dear to you and so especially meaningful in your life.

By now Mark, you've probably decided exactly what you're going to do - with regard to going back for his funeral.
The important thing to keep in mind is that whatever your decision - it's one you agonized over - long and hard.

Going forward, it's important to not feel the guilt or regret you worried about in your post.
Such thoughts/feelings are corrosive, debilitating and ultimately - unhealthy. They serve no purpose other than to bring us down!

and...2 final thoughts.....in case you've decided you won't be going back:

1.You can 'be' at the funeral without being present physically:
What Nutmeggar suggests can result in your being more present and 'at one' with your granddad than actually being at the funeral itself.

2.Why not write a letter to your mum?
Talk about your grandad, tell her how much he's always meant to you and why. Recount some of your most cherished memories of him, some of the funny, wild, outrageous and dear things you recall......

Just doing that will bring you even closer to your grandfather - and it would be something that, I'd imagine, would be a gift to your mum.

She might even share it at the funeral - and, in that way, you would most definitely "be there"

OTOH....perhaps you're now on a plane....and on your way

Whichever decision you've finally made....it's the 'right' one for you.
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Old Jul 30th 2015, 8:29 pm
  #30  
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Default Re: What would you do....

Originally Posted by Nutmegger
When my father died over thirty years ago I didn't know what to do. It was my mother who told me not to return to the UK for the funeral. She said she was surrounded by people, she was busy making the arrangements, and she would rather that I save my vacation time and air fare to be with her in a few months time when she would be feeling very alone. So at the time of the funeral I took a couple of hours off from work and went and sat in Saint Patrick's in NYC and remembered my father.
I did similar when my aunt died. At the time of her funeral I sat quietly...thinking about the times we had spent together.
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