AimeeKat

I don't know if this is the right place for this discussion so feel free to move it if needed.

I'm just curious if anyone can relate to how I have felt as an American living in the UK for the past 10 years.

I grew up a small town girl in Mississippi. Didn't travel much a child apart from surrounding states. I always wanted to something bigger in life and my VERY protective parents kept me from that for a long, long time. They tried to keep me fearful of the world so I wouldn't leave.

In my teens, I met my DH. A budding online romance that started in 1996. In 97 he flew to America to meet me in person, where he also found out my real name (I wasn't allowed to share details online). We were incredibly in love. Again, my mother made it difficult for us to stay in touch. We took a 4 year break when I went to Uni. It broke my heart. And, after I completed University, moved around the states to explore, him marrying someone else and then divorcing, visit England many times in 2003, he proposed and I moved to the UK.

The first year was tough. I wasn't driving. I was teaching at a very challenging secondary school and having panic attacks. I was super homesick but made it a year before travelling back home to see my family. AFter that, I felt better. DH and travelled and I was coping better after I got a car and started driving. But, I was still lonely and isolated.

Fast forward a few years, a new job, bought a home and then we had our twins. It's 10 years now and I still don't feel at home here in the UK. But, not only that I have adapted so much to England and almost forgotten my upbringing and the things I love - it's like I'm not even myself anymore. My family, as crazy as they are, I am myself when I am around them. I'm bubbly, fun, love to joke and make people smile. I'm generous to people who are friendly and nice to me. (I'm such a pill here in the UK!)
I loved SEC football (Go Bulldogs!) and baseball season. I loved being outdoors and while I am not a huge fan of organized religion these days, I do miss the aspect of church. It's not the same here in England. I think I feel like an outsider here and it keeps me from enjoying life. Does that make sense? Isolating yourself because you don't fit in?

To make it worse, since my move to the UK, my own family do not make much of an effort to stay in touch. I ALWAYS am the one who calls them. Or writes. It the whole attitude of, 'you chose to move away. you can do the work to stay in touch'. That really has knocked me down.

My life is really wonderful. My husband and I cannot live without one another. Two greats kids. A home. Secure jobs in the UK. But, I still feel lost. Like I need to find myself somehow. Maybe I am having some weird life transition!

Anyway, I'm rambling but would really like to hear from people who may have experienced this. Did you find once you were back on American soil that you changed?

Jerseygirl

I have moved your thread over to the Trailer Park Forum as I think you'll get more replies. Also take a look at the UKYankee website...it's aimed at Americans who are moving or have moved to the UK.

scrubbedexpat099

It will not be the same, 10 years is a long time. You can never go back, you change people you remember change.

Family wise unless you plan living next door then the same will apply, different country, different State same deal.

Church, well not sure I understand, you mean the social scene at the mega churches they have here?

TexasPenguin

Aimee,
Our viewpoints are surprisingly similar (I guess many people could relate to the point of view) even though we are opposites in both direction of movement, reason of moving ...and gender for that matter!
(Plus I have a Mississippi connection!)
I moved with my wife and 2 kids 12 years ago from small town Dorset UK to small town Texas.
You go through the typical 3 stages of acclimation (still hate that word) and then settle in - kind of.
The "religion in everything" here gets me the other way around as I am sure you can now appreciate. And yes, I definitely still feel that I don't really fit in -despite friends and working in a stunningly cosmopolitan company for East Texas!
I think the most difficult thing is the realization that...what you are or were..in your hometown..doesn't actually exist any more. "Home" has moved on in a different way to how you have in your new adopted home. The first time I went "home" and then came back...err. "home" afterwards hit me like a freight train with the realization that I wasn't "at home" in either place any more.

Now the "Mississippi connection". My daughter, who came here when she was 12, is now a teacher in Jackson Academy (after spending a year teaching in a really run down school in Uttica). It's stunning how she has fitted in in MS and how "at home" she now feels. That alone gives me enough of a "warm glow" that I made the right decision all those years ago.

My own view is that, depending on what type of person you are, you may never feel like you "fit in" but then you did something that only a tiny percentage of the world's population gets to do - you went for a dream - and succeeded pretty well at it by your account. You can and will never know what your life would have been like had you stayed in MS all your life. But, what you do know is that you wouldn't have experienced the wide range of things you have done by moving your whole life thousands of miles in distance and culture. And even more importantly, you gave your kids a perspective on life that is just priceless in this polarized "nation against nation" world. When I'm feeling "disconnected" from my fellow Texans (as happens a lot - we won't go into the politics!) I stop and look through my children's eyes (not children any more but they still feel that way to me)..and that helps a lot.

NatashaB

Yes, this is so very true. I would love to go home, but as my husband tells me, home will not be as it was when I left it - people and things have moved on. I went the opposite way to you (UK to US) and my frustrations are really the opposite of yours - difficult to 'break into' a community other than via attending church or some type of religious activity, i'm not really into sport which doesn't help either. But I can understand how much those things can either integrate or isolate you. Do you think your DH would ever consider moving to the US?

scrubbedexpat099

So how do you break in in the UK if not through common interests?

Sally Redux

I totally understand how you are feeling (the other way round). Unfortunately I think such feelings get worse with age. I didn't realize I would miss the anonymity of living in my home country; I don't like being the outsider/performing seal.

Check out UKYankee as Jerseygirl suggests.

Bluegrass Lass

Hi AimeeKat, I'm an American living in the UK. I'm a simple woman that grew up and lived in KY, and had the luck to study abroad while in uni, which is how I met my OH in Glasgow. Hubby and I married and lived in the States for about 9years before we decided to give it a go again over here (we've ping-ponged a bit in the last couple years). I've been in Edinburgh for about 6weeks now, and I can relate to how you feel already.

We have a great life here, in a great location, both with jobs that pay well, but I can't help but wonder if I will always feel a sense of isolation and not quite fitting in. I think it's pretty much the curse of the ex-pat. We are adventurous enough to try a different place, and that place changes us forever to where we don't quite fit in any one place.

I know I'm not quite the same person here, as I am in the states. Here I feel like I'm being very reserved for fear of offending anyone, which contradicts my normal, blunt, straight-to-the-point personality. I guess it comes down to comfort level, I haven't found the circle of people I can be myself with (not even my in-laws sadly).

I know it's early days yet for me, and I definitely have my good and bad days (and expect them for awhile). But I don't think any one place will ever fully satisfy me anymore - and we can't get the best of both countries. I know I will always have my dislikes/worries about living back in the US one day, just as I have my worries about living here the rest of my life.

I'm a member of the UK-Yankee forum, and it's a really good resource for us Yanks in the UK. I also just recently joined a Facebook group for Americans in the UK too. It's been really nice to have a place to vent/rant/share feelings of happiness/frustrations/etc. Hope you join us!

fakey

Personally I just think immigration is tough- if you are the only American/ Limey/ Tibetan/ whatever for miles around it is even harder & potentially absolutely isolating- & if you dont have the right sort of personality it is even harder still- however, challenging as it may be most of us have suprising depths of strength, resilience etc that we didnt even know we had previously so it can be seen as one of those opportunities for 'growth' people are so keen on

But even under the best circumstances living thousands of miles from home surrounded by complete strangers sucks imho

However to answer your question and be disgustingly pretentious (? ha ha) sometime you have to lose yourself to find yourself ? Or some other load of bs ha ha

I only know when I go back to England it feels totally alien now. But I quite like the outsider status bit actually

joto

I think I can relate to some here. It has taken almost 15 years here and I can count the number of good friends we have made on one hand, apart from aquaintences that we know. I'm a non-working spouse, quite shy, not outgoing and non-religious and don't have school age children. So, I feel I'm a bit stuck until I can find a job, as I don't really have any hobbies and am not really a joiner of clubs, etc. We have only been in this area since the spring, so it is a bit new yet. Any ideas on how to give myself that initial push in the right direction.

jjmb

If it any consultation, I have felt like an outsider looking in most of my life (I was going to say married life but realised its been most of my life). I was born in London and have massive family,then situated in Wandsworth but now all over the south east. When I was child, we were very close to my cousins (my Dad's only sister's Kids). We would go on holiday together and all crowd into one small Morris Minor- all 7 kids plus adults, sitting on laps. At Christmas we would attend huge family parties as my grandparents had 10 and 9 siblings, each with their own family. Then in 1965, we were part of the wave that left London for the country (Ashford,not exactly the wilderness but to me, it may as well been). Had a brilliant time in Ashford as most of the families there were exiles from London but by the time I was 13 we were back in the same place in London. By that time, all my old friends had dispersed to new schools and a lot of the family was moving out of London, so the family get togethers got fewer and fewer. Sadly the last time I saw a lot of my extended family was at my Aunt's funeral a few years back.

I don't think I have felt a sense of community since, except briefly when my kids were young and we lived in a small town in Scotland. Even then I was only part of the community because of my kids, as I was English. Even my FIL was disappointed I was English until his other's son's Scottish wife moved on to pastures new.
I have lived in Bath, back to London, Wales, USA, MA Scotland and now TX for 13.5 yrs. I have always been a outsider looking in. It not really about doing activities with other people but shared memories.
About 7 yrs I stopped trying to belong because I know I cannot 'belong' and it was only making me depressed and anxious. Instead I focused on what I have, a lovely family and ME. The only time I can truly be me , is when I am with my kids and my husband. They know all my dirty habits, what will make me laugh or cry, that I am sucker for fake stories, especially ones that are based on reality. They don't judge me and they accept me as I am warts and all.

Nutek

I've been here 17 years now. Number of actual friends... Zero. Aquantances yes, but not friends.

Luckily Mrs N. allows me to hang out with her.

scrubbedexpat097

Friends are overrated anyway.

Who needs them when you have a special someone in your life that you can hang with

robin1234

We don't though.
Just tell us one.

Lion in Winter

It really isn't easy changing cultures, and the US and the UK are more different than people tend to think before making the move.