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Feb 5th 2008, 6:24 pm
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#1 |
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Senior Member
 
Joined: Jan 2008
Location: Malaga
Posts: 136
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cheer you up
These quotes are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things that both lawyers, witnesses and the accused actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters. LAWYER: What was the first thing your husband said to you on the morning that you shot him? WITNESS: He said, "I love you Cathy LAWYER: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! __________________________________________ LAWYER: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: A sweatshirt, shorts and Reebok trainers. ____________________________________________ LAWYER: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________ LAWYER: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. LAWYER: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I can't remember things. LAWYER: You can't remember things? Can you give us an example of something you can't remember? ___________________________________________ LAWYER: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: Yes, me and my wife both do. LAWYER: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. LAWYER: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ____________________________________________ LAWYER: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass your Law exam? ____________________________________ LAWYER: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty. ___________________________________________ LAWYER: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Er, yeah ! _________________________________________ LAWYER: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. LAWYER: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid! ____________________________________________ LAWYER: She had three children, right? WITNESS: Yes. LAWYER: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. LAWYER: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Are you 5hitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different Lawyer. Can I get a new Lawyer? ____________________________________________ LAWYER: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. LAWYER: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it? I'll give you a clue, it wasn't mine. ____________________________________________ LAWYER: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had shaved head and a beard. LAWYER: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Guess. _____________________________________ LAWYER: Is it true that your appearance here this morning is due to the notice which I sent to your Lawyer? WITNESS: No, this is how I always dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ LAWYER: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that? _________________________________________ LAWYER: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. _________________________________________ LAWYER: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. LAWYER: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ____________________________________________ LAWYER: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh?! I don't think you have to pass an exam to take a pee. Are you qualified to be a Lawyer?! ______________________________________ And the best for last: LAWYER: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. LAWYER: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. LAWYER: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. LAWYER: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. LAWYER: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. LAWYER: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere. cheers simon |
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Feb 5th 2008, 9:31 pm
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#2 |
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Senior Member
Joined: Apr 2003
Location: Extremadura
Posts: 1,742
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Re: cheer you up
REALLY funny stuff in there
 I've read some of those before, but they're still excellent. It does make you wonder how some of those lawyers ever passed their exams though, doesn't it!?  I wonder how many of them understood the sarcastic replies! |
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Feb 5th 2008, 10:58 pm
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#3 |
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Senior Member
Joined: Oct 2006
Location: Sunny Manchester
Posts: 3,826
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Re: cheer you up
What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! They spelled MACY's wrong!" Why did the blond lay out on the lawn chair in her bikini at midnight? She wanted to get a dark tan. What did the blonde's mother say when she asked if she could lick the bowl? "Just flush it like everybody else does." Hear about the blonde explorer? She bought a piece of sandpaper thinking it was a map of the Sahara Desert. Did you hear the one about the blonde that had a problem with her bed? She couldn't find a knife large enough to apply the bed spread. What is every blonde's ambition in life? To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet. How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off of a cliff. How did the blonde burn her nose? Bobbing for french fries. Why do blondes have see-through lunch box tops? So they can tell if they are going to work or going home, while on the bus. Why do blondes like lightning? They think someone is taking their picture. Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces? From eating with forks. What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head? A space invader. What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case? Branch manager. Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back? From crawling across the street when the sign said "don't walk."
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Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives !!! |
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Feb 5th 2008, 11:41 pm
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#4 |
Location: Aspen, CO
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Re: cheer you up
Somebody posted these rules to date daughters in the US forum yesterday they are absolutely hilarious..
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Feb 6th 2008, 6:46 am
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#5 |
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!hola!
Joined: Oct 2004
Location: Coventry
Posts: 377
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Re: cheer you up
They've made a good start to my morning
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Feb 6th 2008, 11:48 am
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#6 | |
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Senior Member
Joined: May 2006
Location: ex ex-pat, now in Lincoln
Posts: 4,615
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Re: cheer you up
Quote:
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Feb 6th 2008, 8:30 pm
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#8 | |
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Senior Member
Joined: Apr 2003
Location: Extremadura
Posts: 1,742
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Re: cheer you up
Quote:
Am going to forward them to my friend who has a 21 year old daughter......................and another one who has just turned 1!!! Bless him, he's got to go through all that twice! Thanks for really making me smile |
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Feb 7th 2008, 6:43 am
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#9 | |
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Senior Member
Joined: May 2006
Location: ex ex-pat, now in Lincoln
Posts: 4,615
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Re: cheer you up
Quote:
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Feb 7th 2008, 3:39 pm
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#11 |
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In Estepona
Joined: Feb 2007
Location: Estepona, Spain
Posts: 603
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Re: cheer you up
In the Lawyers defence on some of these questions... They do ask stupid questions like that to try and trip the witness up into saying the wrong thing. But funny nonetheless
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Feb 7th 2008, 7:50 pm
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#12 |
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Location: Aspen, CO
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Re: cheer you up
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