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Am I running from my family?

Am I running from my family?

Old Nov 16th 2007, 1:37 pm
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Default Am I running from my family?

Hi

I've pondered long and hard on this one and I really don't know maybe someone can share their wisdom.

I'm happily married (18 years) with 4 young children (years of fertility treatments, but that's another story).

I am from a family of 4 kids and 2 parents who divorced after I was married, there was a lot of difficulty there, which I don't want to go into. My parents were never united as a couple and if one said black the other would always say white. My father is an alcoholic who drifts in and out of my life and always has done, he has never been there for me, but I do feel sorry for him as he did have it hard growing up. He has never seen my baby and only seen my 5 year olds 3 times.

My mum is always the martyr. She always told us growing up of what she did for us and sacrificed for us, but having kids of my own she truly sacrificed nothing. I've been married 18 years and for about 4-5 of those years my mum hasn't spoken to me. It hasn't been all in one go, but for spates doesn't speak if I disagree with her opinions or if I can't take another criticism about how to raise my kids especially my eldest who has autism. My mother told me not to ask her ever to collect Lucy from school as she wouldn't do it, cos she goes to a special needs unit! (that is mild)

My siblings and I were never close either, my mum used to play us off one another and always used to say to me, your sister said x, y or z about you and do the same with my brothers. She was always crying poverty and it always seemed to me whoever was subbing her the most money was in her favour more.

Anyways the problems really started when 2 1/2 years ago my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer. She was 33 at the time and also had leukaemia as a child and was given a bone marrow transplant by my brother, her twin. She had a double mastectomy and then chemo and radiotherapy.

My sister was separated from her husband and living with this other guy who I didn't particulary like when they first got together, my mum hated him. Anyway, when Kelly (sister) was ill and going through all her treatment etc my mum and my brothers, influenced by my mum, were more interested in who would be getting my sister's house is she died and not on my sister's well being.

Anyway I decided this ain't right and I was there everystep of the way for my sister and completely changed my mind about her fella, he turned out wonderful and put up with so much crap from my family. I can see he really loves her, he makes her happy, which is important.

I had a baby son on 20th November, my mum's only words to me when I was pregnant were 'you are only asking for another disabled child'. Mum has only seen my baby about 5 times, but not in the last 3 months, and my dad and brothers have never seen him.

My brothers both stopped bothering with me because I was there for my sister and I am pleased to say we are so close. I love her so much and will miss her when we go to Oz.

My older brother (born on his first birthday, Irish twins!) was diagnosed with secondary cancer in August. He phoned to say I was a bitch and he was going to die and unless I started looking after mum and apologised for being a bitch to her that he wanted nothing more to do with me and he was going to his grave. I told him I was sorry for his illness, but the reason I didn't bother with my lovely mum is because she wasn't there for my sister at all. He then started shouting and ranting at me and I told him I didn't have to listen to this and I wished him all the best with his treatment and said goodbye. That was interpretted as I put the phone down on him!!!!

He is very ill at the moment. My sister phoned him and he told her not to contact him again and sent a message for me to do the same. My sister when she was at the local cancer hospital for a check up called up to his ward to see him with magazines etc and he told the nurse not to let her in.

I can't deal with shit from my family anymore. I've had it all my life. I didn't have idyllic childhood, infact it was pretty shit. I fought hard to get my family, years of fertility treatment, I love and adore my husband and kids and my family are always in the background giving hassle. My friends say **** them, it is there choice.

When your brother dies he was the one made the choice he didn't want to see you.

My mother called down at my house in August to see the kids, but she couldn't ring me to tell me my brother was ill.

After my sister was diagnosed I thought life is too short, let's follow our dream and go to Oz, but sometimes I think am I just running away from my family.

Another friend told me the whole problem here is that everyone thinks they are right, which is true in every estrangement.

Sorry it is so long,


Lynne
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Old Nov 16th 2007, 1:48 pm
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Default Re: Am I running from my family?

You cannot make people behave in civilised and sensible fashion, they choose to behave the way they do, they choose to say what they say.

You were right to be there for your sister. It makes me sick when families fight over wills/property.

IMO, family should never argue about a loved ones estate - it is dreadful taste and shows disprespect and you should be proud of yourself for fighting your sisters corner.

Your brother has chosen how he would like to play this and I don't know if he will change his mind at the last minute but I suppose your sister could write a letter and get the nurse to put it on his table, or even video a message that can be played to him. He won't have to see her in person which will inflame his feelings.

It is such a sad situation but it is time that you put yourself first and start making the most of your own life.

I don't think you are necessarily running away from your own family as much as the environment you are in, we are all entitled to our dreams and you are trying to live yours out.

The old saying 'we can choose our friends but not our family' is so true, and as long as you know that you have conducted yourself with dignity, you can leave your family with a clear conscience.

You have done nothing wrong and there is nothing wrong in wanting to move away. Although we all have the chance to start our own life, sometimes it is a bit difficult if reminders of the past won't leave you alone.

They can choose not to change their ways but you can, at least allow yourself the pleasure of planning a new life and more to the point enjoying it.

You deserve it.
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Old Nov 16th 2007, 1:51 pm
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Default Re: Am I running from my family?

I think your sister has it right "life is to short" Please follow your own dreams, if you dont it will always be "what Ifs" You have your very own loving family who need you more than anybody else
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Old Nov 16th 2007, 2:27 pm
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Default Re: Am I running from my family?

When I started reading your story I thought she's writing about me. LOL I have had very similiar experiences with my lot and believe me it doesn't matter what you do things will not get better.

My parents didn't speak to me for over 6 years. My eldest was born and we nearly lost her. My parents saw her for all of 30 mins and not again until she was 5 years old. My youngest was 3 when they first laid eyes on her.

I'm not unusual in that - other memebers of my family have been through similiar.

The crunch came for me when I had a car crash and was laid up with two babies and no one was there for me. I had my husband and my friends and realised that I didn't need my family.

I have to admit that I was angry with them - extremely angry. I eventually went to counsilling and it was the best thing I could ever have done.

It was HARD and PAINFUL but so worth it. I realised that the problems I was worrying about were not mine, the baggage was not mine (it was theirs), they could no longer hurt me (unless I let them), I was all grown up and could do what I wanted. I allowed them to control me via emotional blackmail. My parents haven't spoken to my brother in 18 years but I refused to take sides and am closer to him than any other member of my family.

My father is dying and I have no guilt feelings about moving to Australia and he knows it.

Now after years I am free. They no longer matter to me and they can no longer hurt me.

The best advise I can give you is to speak with someone who is neutral. If you want to talk then PM me.

Remember you are not running away you are doing what is best for your children and for you. If they choose to see it differently then that is not your problem.

Last edited by scrum; Nov 16th 2007 at 2:39 pm.
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Old Nov 16th 2007, 6:59 pm
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Default Re: Am I running from my family?

Hi Lynne

Please don't allow your family to ruin your 'dream' and concentrate on the lovely family that is your husband and kids! Live for them and cherish everyday you spend with them, teach them right from wrong and do not let your upbringing drag you down!

Life is never easy and I can say that from experience. You are not running from your family, you are making your own choices and seem to be well in control of your life and that of your husband and kids. Don't look back, look forward!

Best Wishes & Good Luck
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Old Nov 16th 2007, 9:44 pm
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Default Re: Am I running from my family?

dont see it as running away - you are just taking advantage of opportunities that we are lucky enough to live in a society that can offer them, and following a dream; nowt wrong wi that!!
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Old Nov 16th 2007, 10:06 pm
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Default Re: Am I running from my family?

Families are c**p aren't they
It won't change being in Aus and although you're a long way from it all they'll still manage to piss you off.
Still it has its compensations
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Old Nov 16th 2007, 10:07 pm
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Default Re: Am I running from my family?

First of all , my thoughts are with you on this one!!! Can't imagine what u are going through. IMO I'ts time to let go and start living your life for YOUR family, they are your main priority now and u owe it to yourself to do that. Your brother has made it quite clear about his feelings so you cannot and must never feel guilty about living your dream in Oz. Your sister will be able to come over to see you all and i bet she will be really happy for u all. You really do have to let go and start living for yourself and your own family now.
Goodluck
Fiona x
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Old Nov 16th 2007, 10:36 pm
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Default Re: Am I running from my family?

You're definitely not running away from them. Sounds like you have already got away. You have an opportunity they neither want or can get and you go for it. You live your life the way you as a family want to and move on from the rubbish.

Oh and on a bit of a downer, please don't expect that once you're 12,000 miles away from them that you will have removed them from your life. They will still be able to stress you out more than you can believe If you want a peaceful life, don't give them your forwarding details. And ask your sister not to pass them on either. It will be the only way because they sound like the type of people who will be constantly telling you that their crap lives is because of you and how selfish you are. You're not.
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Old Nov 17th 2007, 4:34 am
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Default Re: Am I running from my family?

Originally Posted by Professional Princess
You cannot make people behave in civilised and sensible fashion, they choose to behave the way they do, they choose to say what they say.

It is such a sad situation but it is time that you put yourself first and start making the most of your own life.

I don't think you are necessarily running away from your own family as much as the environment you are in, we are all entitled to our dreams and you are trying to live yours out.

The old saying 'we can choose our friends but not our family' is so true, and as long as you know that you have conducted yourself with dignity, you can leave your family with a clear conscience.

You have done nothing wrong and there is nothing wrong in wanting to move away. Although we all have the chance to start our own life, sometimes it is a bit difficult if reminders of the past won't leave you alone.

They can choose not to change their ways but you can, at least allow yourself the pleasure of planning a new life and more to the point enjoying it.

You deserve it.


Hi!

I don't think you are running away from your family, I think you are making a new life for your own family.

Think about all the negativity you've gone through since being a child. Do you want your own children to suffer this too? Personally, I think that the further away from you can get your children from your family, the better it will be for them.

I agree with Moneypen about the 12,000 miles not making much difference if they want to stress you when you've moved here, but you can choose whether you want them to have your phone number. Personally, I'd let them know where I was, but not my phone number, much easier to decide to open a letter if they write, than to be taken by surprise by a phone call.

If I were you, (and I've been in your situation), I'd just get on with the rest of my own life and do what I thought was best for my own family. I tried to be part of my family for too, too long before I realised that the harder I worked to be part of it, the more ammunition I gave them for hitting me with. My mother treated my two eldest children terribly, in ways that I could never imagined she would have. One of the biggest regrets I have in life is that I didn't "divorce" myself from my family situation sooner. I did just that 6 years ago, and it's been the best thing I could have done. You've no idea what a relief it is!

I hope you can make a decision you can live with, and wish you all the very best for your future.

Maggie
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Old Nov 17th 2007, 5:46 am
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Default Re: Am I running from my family?

Hello,

I agree follow your dreams and do what you want.

There is an old saying 'You can choose your friend but not your family!'

How right that is, my family life has more ups and downs than a roller coaster.

Ive lived away from my family and close, and have to admit Im happier doing my own thing. I still worry about my family, but you got to live too.

Im now in OZ, and love it. Dont spend your life miserable for other people.

GEMS
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Old Nov 17th 2007, 6:32 am
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Default Re: Am I running from my family?

Yes you are running from your family









.....Make it double time and concentrate on what your running too

A better life which you deserve. At the end of the day you need to be responsible for your immediate family first and foremost (and that includes yourself).

You have already started making some acquaintenances here in Melbourne which no doubt will shortly led to friendships.

Karma sent
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Old Nov 17th 2007, 7:17 am
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Default Re: Am I running from my family?

I so agree with everything said so far. Your little family is your priority now and it sounds as if you have worked so hard to acheive that family why should you let them be tainted by what is going on around you.

We can't choose our family and it sounds as if there is so much bitterness there. Take your precious children and hubby and follow your dream. You have wished your brother well and that is all you can do. Your sister can come and visit you.

Good luck to you. I think you know deep down what you should do which is why you have applied for the visa in the first place.
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Old Nov 17th 2007, 7:40 am
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Default Re: Am I running from my family?

Originally Posted by Geelong Gent
Yes you are running from your family









.....Make it double time and concentrate on what your running too

A better life which you deserve. At the end of the day you need to be responsible for your immediate family first and foremost (and that includes yourself).

You have already started making some acquaintenances here in Melbourne which no doubt will shortly led to friendships.

Karma sent
Well said GG!

There's no shame in running. I'm sure there's barely a one of us who isn't running from some thing or other, and I include myself in that.

We're each of us at the centre of our own little universe, and those nearest, and perhaps not so dearest, orbit around us at ever greater distances. Responsibility starts with and to, ourselves and then flows to our spouse and offspring, outwards and downwards.

Look after you and yours, and let the others look after themselves.

All the best

Andy
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Old Nov 17th 2007, 12:28 pm
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Thumbs up Re: Am I running from my family?

[QUOTE=crocodileseamus;5562548]Hi

To Lynne (and Scrum,)
you both have obviously worked very very hard to bring up and enjoy your own wonderful children. Life can be cruel at times but you have come through the other end. BE PROUD OF THAT!!
Look at it not as running away but as a new adventure. You deserve it.
My best wishes
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