John Chappell

Julius Caesar

Julius Caesar was addressing the crowd in the Coliseum.

"Friends, Romans and Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France.

We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."

The crowd are up on their feet "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"

Brutus turns to his mate and says " He doesn't half talk some shi*e eh?
He couldn't fight his way out of a wet parchment bag."

Six months later, Caesar comes back having conquered France and addresses the crowd in the Coliseum.

" Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed
50,000 Gauls".

The crowd are up on their feet again. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar".

Brutus once again turns to his mate "I'm sick of his bullsh*t, I'm off to France to check this out."

So Brutus sets of for France and three weeks later he comes back to Rome.

Caesar is addressing the public in the Coliseum again "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort those b*stards out"

The crowd are up on their feet. "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"

Brutus jumps up and shouts "Caesar, you are a liar. You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there to check it out . You only killed 25,000 !!!!"

The crowd are stunned and all sit down in silence. Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Coliseum then across at Brutus, "Brutus, you are forgetting one thing . . . . . . .





Away Gauls count double in Europe."

John

John Chappell

Sharing Peanuts!!!

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of Senior Citizens down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, “Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?”

”We can't chew them because we've no teeth,” she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, “Why do you buy them then?”

The old lady replied, “We just love the chocolate around them.”

John

noni

As I feel now, I am going to take your advice - oblivion is the way to go to-day.

powerhouse

Went to see Slum Dog Millionaire last night, found it to be a really moving and thoroughly enjoyable film. I can see why it won all the oscars.

johnny five

Hi Powerrhouse
Not sure if you are in Goa or UK.
Like many here, we have bought 'ooky copies.
We had two couples from Bombay (in their 50's) staying,who assured us that the Indian release has been quite heavily cut, to avoid offending the locals so much, and of course this is what we are buying.
It would explain why, at Oscar time, when BBC World were showing clips I kept thinking "I don't remember that bit?"
Also other half had read the book, and got very confused. Still a good film though.

Mzee

can you watch it online from where you are .. i don't know what the internet connection is like out there but if you can then try. One of my colleagues watched it online and said the quality was good

johnny five

The picture and sound quality on the 'ooky copies were very good, apart from some surreal sub-titles.
Internet no good for that here, plug-in dongles very slow and even my BSNL landline with tik-band (as opposed to "tin", to call it broadband as they do is a joke) still much too slow.
As an alternative, it has been on at INOX in Panjim for over a month, plus Tata-Sky had it on pay-to-view all last weekend at rs25 for all day.....

powerhouse

I am in the UK at the moment, don't get to Goa till 15th April. I can see why the have cut the film. It does not show Mumbai in the best light and the sceen with the orphan being blinded to be a better beggar is quite disturbing and the thought that this does go on is not good. Have they left that sceen in your copy??

emsirrah

Yes the "blinding" scene is in the Goa copies.

johnny five

Yes, they have left most of the violence in as far as I can tell, the hindu/moslem riots at the beginning (this caused complaints here from the hindu right wing) the electric shock interrogation, the blinding scene, and loads of other bits that I thought reflected very badly on Bombay and India in general. No doubt they have censored any scenes that depicted affection between two human beings, as we all know that is what is really offensive here!
I have sent copies back to family in the UK and am expecting questions along the lines of "Why on earth do you want to live in a country where things like that are commonplace?"
Sadly these days the only answer I can honestly give is "F**k knows why"

Oh, and AngelofAnjuna, if you are reading this (even though it depresses you), don't bother with another personal attack, even after getting your facts right, unlike last time. We all realise that you live in a completely different Goa from the rest of us, where everything is sweetness and light and nobody tries to cheat you. And Father Christmas is real and the Tooth Fairy lives next door. My initial reaction was to ignore this personal emnity, but I have received so many PM's asking "why no response?" to which my reply is "If a mosquito is buzzing around and you have put your repellent on, you just ignore it, why would you want to have a conversation with it?"

hemingway

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong
with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a
regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear)
purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school
cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead
and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer
named Brad, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor
and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it waswell worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Brad waiting for
me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and
a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Brad gave me a tour and showed me the
machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his
aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Brad was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already
aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to
be a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Brad made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then
he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but
I made the full mile. Brad's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I
feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Brad was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Brad put me on the stair monster. Why the h*ll would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Brad told me it would help me
get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other sh*t too.

THURSDAY : Brad was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin,cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a
half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Brad took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran
and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny b*tch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY :I hate that Brad more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world.
Brad wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if
you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the d*mn barbells or
anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off
and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.
Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the
choir director?

SATURDAY : Brad left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY : I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go andthank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
daughter (the little sh*t) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like
a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend
over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

hemingway

A guy was driving around Dublin when he saw a sign in front of a house,

'Talking Dog for Sale .'

He rang the bell and the owner told him the dog was in the backyard.
The guy went into the backyard and saw a Labrador sitting there.

'You talk?' he asked.

'Yes,' the Lab replied.

'So, what's the story?'

The Lab looked up and said, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.'

'But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy was amazed. He goes back in and asked the owner what he wanted for the dog.

'Ten euros.' the man said.

'Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shite

John Chappell

The Golfer

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.

Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see.. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad
drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell
me, how's yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out notes I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes
twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'

noni

brilliant

johnny five

THE DOT



For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with tradition or religion, but the Indian Embassy in Ottawa has recently revealed the true story.


When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, a taxi cab or a motel in Canada . If nothing is there, then he must remain in India to answer telephones and provide us with technical advice.


God I wish I had the courage to put this on IndiaMike!