pissedoffdude

I would like to start by saying that I love Vietnam and the people, I have many good VIetnamese friends. I would just like to share my experience.

I met her mid may, we seemed to hit it off. She was so sweet and fun. We kept in touch after I returned back to the UK. There is not much of an age gap, about 4 years. Before I left I agreed to send her some money. Even though we had only known each other for a few days she sent me messages like I love you, I miss you etc. Then one day she asked me to send her $200, so I told her I will send it but can’t do it straight away because I was busy with work, I was doing 16 hour shifts at the time, I told her I would send it on Friday. Friday came, she asked if I had sent it, but I told her I didn’t have time because I slept in that day and that I would send it to her the next day ( I didn’t actually have the money as I didn’t receive my salary yet) “she said the bank is closed on the weekend, I think you know that, I am never talking to you again”. I told her that the banks in the UK are open on Saturday and she could collect it Monday, she said ok. So I went out and sold my PS3 to I could send it to her. Maybe I was delusional; I thought she was so sweet so thought it would be worth it. Then we began talk on a video call program and she would constantly say she misses me and loves me etc. Then a week after I sent her the first $200 she asked for another $200, my instincts told me not to send it, but I decided to ignore it and try to focus on the things I liked about her, so I sent it. Then we got into the arrangement of me sending money every 2 – 3 weeks and it gradually became more, about up to $1000 one time. She asked for an Ipad and I went out and bought it, all the time falling for her sweet talking and genuinely believed she loved me. I loved her personality and thought maybe if I could show I loved her buy providing for her financially we could have a loving relationship. We both agreed we want to marry each other so I decided to buy her a diamond ring. She sent me pictures of the diamond ring she wanted, I went out and bout the closest one to it that I could afford. I came back showed her the ring on video call and she just smiled coldly and said thank you. I knew something was not right she was not her “usual” cheery, bubble, jolly self. After further enquiry about what was wrong she said “I don’t like the ring” and started crying, the video call froze, I called her back and told her I would get a new one. Then the video call was ok, I made a joke out of it I said “you didn’t like the ring so you froze the camera, but when I told you I will buy you a new ring the camera is ok haha” and she went hysterical and became furious. Said “You think I just care about the ring” You think I want get your money” and had a tantrum for nearly a whole day. This was all before I had an interview for a new job. Anyway next she wanted me to show the ring to her friend on camera and her friend said it was ok and she seemed ok after hearing that. I bought my ticket, for end of July. Just before I went there she asked me to buy her mother some sunglasses, I bought her mother expensive designer ones, she also asked me to buy her step father who she apparently dislikes and is a lawyer some designer after shave. I bought this and she seemed happy, then just a couple of day before I left she asked me to buy an ipad/tablet for her mother.
Ok now I am at the airport ready to go, I make friends with a British Vietnamese man and his daughter at the airport. On the plane I told him how long I was staying and how much I brought to spend and he warned me shook his head straight away and said “Do not show her how much you have, she will want it all” I didn’t believe him because I thought she was different.
I Arrive spend a few days with her she seems sweet as usual I’m sitting in the kitchen talking with a family member and she suddenly interrupts and shouts saying “YOU LEFT THE BEDROOM DOOR OPEN!, GO AND CLOSE IT NOW! SMELL NO GOOD BECAUSE I AM COOKING!” I am very upset and confused why she behaved with such hostility. But later she did the exact same thing, she left the door open whilst cooking again, and I told her what she did an apparently it was ok for her to do it. The next day we went to buy plane tickets to go to Cambodia as we discussed going there before. We took a taxi got to the travel agency, I went to pay for te tickets but I forgot my pin, because it was a new card, we had to go back to the appartemnt and get the pin, it was only a 10 minute taxi journey but she went crazy and extremely angry saying “YOU FORGOT THE PIN! WHY DON’T YOU JUST PAY CASH?! Why you only change a little bit of cash at a time” took her ring off and laid on the bed and starting crying. After a few minutes she said ok lets go back and buy the tickets. A lot of her family is in Cambodia, mother, step father, brothers and daughter. A daughter she did not tell me about whilst I was in the UK. After we buy the tickets and go back to the apartment later she just casually said “I have a baby”.
She was talking on a video call with her mother and saw the 3 piece traditional Vietnamese marriage jewelry and her mother said she liked her gold bracelet and wants one. So we bought one.
So my first day in Cambodia she goes off with her brother and daughter and leave me to wait without even telling me. At her mother’s house she basically ignored me just talking with her daughter, mother, brothers. I don’t understand anything so to show I have interest in what they are saying I ask her what they are talking about her typical response would be “I headache! I don’t want say”. I was still just trying to focus on her nice side and the fun and bubbly girl. We go to have wedding pictures together, very nice, after we took the photos she asked me to choose some frames, so I’m standing there looking at the frames for all but 2 seconds and she shouts “QUICKLY! The girl who was working behind the counter, here need go home soon! Her taxi waiting!” I asked her why she shouted at me, I told her I didn’t know that the girl working there was waiting to go home. But whenever I question her it turns into a big argument. When we were not with the family and just alone she seemed more interested in playing games on the ipad that I bought her instead of doing something together. And she then said I need to give her mother $500 dollars. Although this behavior is apparent she then has spurts of being very sweet, saying “I love you” you are my number 1” etc
Anyway we return to Vietnam and I returned to the UK a couple of weeks later.
I bought a ticket to go back in September, trying to ignore those things that she done (Cognitive dissonance?) Whilst in Vietnam her brother and his with came to stay and asked if we want to go the sister in laws parents house that was near the beach. So went together. After getting to the in-laws house they she said she wants to take them all to VinPearl theme park. She did not tell me how much it would be until we got to the entrance, 6 million dong $300. I also had to pay for the car there and back. During the time at the theme park she we were near the aquarium they were talking about the fish and I made a comment and she completely ignored me and continued talking with her brother, I said a few time but she took no notice of what I said, she does this frequently when talking to family member and other Vietnamese and Cambodian people, making me feel low priority. She would be running around her brother all the time, saying “Oh Anh hi says this, Anh hi says that, we need to do what Anh hi says”. Later we went to the beach and the family sneaked off to leaving me and her time alone, we got in the sea and she noticed they didn’t tag along she said “aww very sad and lonely now just me and you here” I said “WHAT! So your not happy with just me here with you? We had a long time with your family. And she quickly changed, smiled and said “I love you” Then we return back to the city.
I am still trying hard to focus on her good side, and with that in mind and trying to give the relationship a go thinking if I put more effort in it will be worth it, I decided to get a job in Vietnam.
I returned to the UK gave up my stable job and went to Vietnam to work, provide for her. I thought there was something worth salvaging from this plane crash of a relationship, so I gave my best effort. I wanted to live her for an extended period of time. I went there in October started work, paying the bills, rent, electric, TV, wifi, water as I should, I was happy to do it. I thought it quite odd as she lived with 2 of her cousins and they did not contribute to any of the utility bills. A rather large disagreement broke out when I wanted to p0ay the rent myself. She was intent on giving her cousin the rent money to go to the bank to send to the landlord and went absolutely ballistic when I said I wanted to do it myself. She did not respect the way I wanted to do it and again I gave in to her. I spoke to her again and said next time rent needs to be paid I want to do and she agreed. When it came to the end of the month we were at the mall it was a day before to pay the rent again, she got a call from her cousin and said she is going to Singapore the next day and after the call I said to her that you remember you agreed that I pay the rent, she suddenly changed got angry and shouted at me in the mall. She said “Going to the bank an filling in forms gives me a headache!” I said but she had to go to the bank to fill in forms to collect the money I was sending her while I was in the UK”. I started to get suspicious as why she did not want me to pay it. I was thinking was she secretly sending money back to Cambodia to her family. If she wanted to do it she should have consulted with me. I really had no problem with providing for her and helping her family, buying her things but what made me upset was her attitude towards me. Her hostility and how she reacted when on a rare occasion I wanted to buy something for my family or myself. I thought that she may change for the better if I bring her to the UK, I was looking at visa application forms for her and I was showing her and she shouted “I headache! When you have money you can pay for someone to do my application quickly! Just give money and lawyer do it for me”
In summary I gave up my job here in London so I could live with her, to live and work in Vietnam and take care of her. But she would shouted at me all the time unprovoked, with a lot of hostility behind it. I did a lot for her but she treated me very bad. I love Vietnam but I wasn’t happy living with her. I support her but I don’t see why I have to support her family like her lay about brothers etc I was very generous as first but they want more. but what did bother is that when I wanted to buy something for myself on a rare occasion would get angry and crazy. One time I just wanted to buy a jacket and she ran out of the shop. She just wants me to work, give everything to her and her family, she doesn’t want a husband
she wants a slave. I don’t think many husbands have to support their in law
I never complained when I bought stuff for her or her family, or gave money,
just how she treats me. I even sold a lot of my collection (I collected movie statues and props), to have enough money for her. She treats me like low priority and with no respect. She runs and jumps when her brother asks her to do something but doesn’t listen to me or show any respect. She frequently snaps and shouts at me. I know it maybe sound stupid but I thought I was being generous and thought they would be grateful but were not.
Also I know a husband should take care of the wife but she expects me to give money for her mother, her brothers and other people in the family, I gave her mother nearly 1000 dollars in total. I am just not happy with her because she shouts too much and there are other problems, I think if you love someone you don’t shout at them, so frequently and with such hostility. For example she says things like DO THIS! DO THAT! SIT THERE! MOVE THERE! Disrespecting me in front of other and in public. Because at first she was so sweet and nice but later she changed
she kept me going. A lot of it was my fault, maybe I was being too sensitive and should have been more tolerant.
I know this story sounds stupid and I guess I was knowingly ignorant. I just thought I would share my story and experiences. Look out for the main warning sign:

She starts asking for money and expensive gifts from the outset.

I know it’s obvious but it can be hard to notice in a situation such as this.

nonthaburi

You needed to grow a pair early on in that relationship and you didn't. She walked all over you because you let her. Wasn't it obvious from the start what she was after?
I take it you're not still with her??
Put it down to experience and cut your losses.

sorry if this sounds harsh but it must be nothing you haven't thought yourself.

On a side note, Asian women's priorities are generally to the family and you have to fit into that family. Your standing may go up or down over time. Sounds like she took that to extremes.

Never mind, plenty more out there so go and find someone who appreciates you for who you are not your ATM card.

johno5175

Dude, i fell for you and have been in a similar situation with a thai (minus the hostility and headaches). i ended up building a house and in the end i dumped her cuz they are mostly money grabbing gold diggers. Sad to say but true. i have spent 10 years in Asia and outside of China there are few happy ending love stories between western men and asian chicks and far to many horror stories.

Dump her, find someone who really does appreciate you. I decided the next girl i got with that i would just claim i was super poor and cant buy nothing EVER!. Sorts the weeds from the flowers and it worked for me. Now in a good almost stable relationship with a kid.

Good luck and grow a pair

bakedbean

A rather sweeping statement and totally untrue. I am retired in Malaysia and I see plenty of western guys with local wives, also western ladies with Asian guys, who have been together for donkey's years and into retirement.

johno5175

that is something to do with Malaysian attitudes towards cash by the women. I have been to Malaysia on numerous occasions and the woman seem normal. A quick google search into "expat murded by thai wife" will bring up many horror stories.

nonthaburi

If you look at divorce rates in the UK, are things really that different?

It can be harder to make things work because of cross-cultural issues, but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen. I know many couples who have stood the test of time. I think a lot of it depends on how the couple met in the first place, ability to understand each other's language, similar age, and the situation with children.

britishbull

What worked for me was claiming I only had a small monthly income and saying she could save any surplus, surprising how frugal these girls can be when they have to be.

InVinoVeritas

Hi, I just want to say that this a very short thread but it has generated a huge amount of interest - There's not much I can add but I'm sure you guys have lots more to say. So let's hear more pissedofdude