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I Laughed So Much It Hurt

I Laughed So Much It Hurt

Old Feb 16th 2009, 11:48 am
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Default Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt

Originally Posted by dugmorephil
Video version of the previous lighthouse story.
I have tried to attach file hope it works!!!!!
Very good Phil thanks.

John
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Old Feb 16th 2009, 4:26 pm
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Default Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt

Johnny 5 At School

Many years ago, J5 was at school, the teacher said ok we will have a small test.

The teacher chose Johnny because he was always a little talkative in class !!.

“Johnny, there are three birds on the fence outside, if you took an air rifle and shot one, how many would be left”.

J5 thought long and hard for a few seconds and said “None Miss”.

The teacher said “Well Johnny, that is the wrong answer but tell us how you arrived at that answer”.

J5 said “Well, if I shot one of them, the remaining two would be frightened and fly away, and so leaving NONE”.

The teacher said “Well Johnny, it is still the wrong answer, but I like the way that you think”.

J5 said “OK Miss, there are three lady teachers out by the fence, each eating an Ice Cream Cornet.
One lady is sucking it, another is licking it and the third is biting it, which one is the married woman”!!!!!

The teacher blushed a little, and with a shy smile said “Well I think it would be the one licking it”.

J5 said “Sorry Miss, it is the wrong answer”!!

“It is the one with the Wedding Ring on her finger, but I like the way that you think - innit ”!!!!!!



Couldn't resist it Johnny 5

Regards

John
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Old Feb 17th 2009, 1:31 am
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Default Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt

Originally Posted by John Chappell
Johnny 5 At School

Many years ago, J5 was at school, the teacher said ok we will have a small test.

The teacher chose Johnny because he was always a little talkative in class !!.

“Johnny, there are three birds on the fence outside, if you took an air rifle and shot one, how many would be left”.

J5 thought long and hard for a few seconds and said “None Miss”.

The teacher said “Well Johnny, that is the wrong answer but tell us how you arrived at that answer”.

J5 said “Well, if I shot one of them, the remaining two would be frightened and fly away, and so leaving NONE”.

The teacher said “Well Johnny, it is still the wrong answer, but I like the way that you think”.

J5 said “OK Miss, there are three lady teachers out by the fence, each eating an Ice Cream Cornet.
One lady is sucking it, another is licking it and the third is biting it, which one is the married woman”!!!!!

The teacher blushed a little, and with a shy smile said “Well I think it would be the one licking it”.

J5 said “Sorry Miss, it is the wrong answer”!!

“It is the one with the Wedding Ring on her finger, but I like the way that you think - innit ”!!!!!!



Couldn't resist it Johnny 5

Regards

John

started my day off with a laugh.
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Old Feb 21st 2009, 3:48 pm
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Default Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt

HOW OLD AM I ?

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?'

'About 32,' is the reply.

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.'

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.'

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, 'I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I Was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra, then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay...How old am I?'

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.'

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'

'I promise I won't,' she says.

'I was behind you in McDonald's.'

John

ps hope nobody is offended
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Old Feb 21st 2009, 5:40 pm
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Old Feb 22nd 2009, 3:02 am
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Default Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt

Originally Posted by HighSpeedGrandma



Ha Ha John. Lucky we can have a laugh on this site.

Love the name HighSpeedGrandma - welcome to this site.
I should rename myself NontechnoNani.
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Old Feb 22nd 2009, 11:44 am
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Default Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt

Originally Posted by noni
Ha Ha John. Lucky we can have a laugh on this site.

Love the name HighSpeedGrandma - welcome to this site.
I should rename myself NontechnoNani.
Thanks for that Noni. Yeah, go for NontechnoNani. I love it.
Hubby 'handled' me! He knows I like to drive fast and I also spend a lot of time on the 'net since we got high speed access so he said to me one day "So high speed grandma, whatcha going to be doing today..surfing the web?' And the name was born.

He is full of bright ideas my hubby! I like gruesome things so I am always 'entertaining' him with the stuff I find on the internet. We were talking about burials one day and he said to ensure we are all buried hygienically they should put us all in stackable tupperware sealed containers, so that we would stay fresh forever. I think he's onto something.
Another of his ideas came about when we were talking about hamsters that love to roll around inside those plastic balls, I don't know if you have ever seen them?. Well, he said why don't they make giant balls for people so that cats can bat us around. I thought that was hilarious...
Never a dull day with my hubby.
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Old Feb 22nd 2009, 11:54 am
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Default Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt

Originally Posted by HighSpeedGrandma
Thanks for that Noni. Yeah, go for NontechnoNani. I love it.
Hubby 'handled' me! He knows I like to drive fast and I also spend a lot of time on the 'net since we got high speed access so he said to me one day "So high speed grandma, whatcha going to be doing today..surfing the web?' And the name was born.

He is full of bright ideas my hubby! I like gruesome things so I am always 'entertaining' him with the stuff I find on the internet. We were talking about burials one day and he said to ensure we are all buried hygienically they should put us all in stackable tupperware sealed containers, so that we would stay fresh forever. I think he's onto something.
Another of his ideas came about when we were talking about hamsters that love to roll around inside those plastic balls, I don't know if you have ever seen them?. Well, he said why don't they make giant balls for people so that cats can bat us around. I thought that was hilarious...
Never a dull day with my hubby.
Don't think that being on the first rung of the BE ladder they will let me change my name

Spoke to the family today. My daughter said, Mum you will have a laugh, and I know you ladies will as well.

It has been half term, and all the family have had 'bugs' so they have not been able to go out and about and do much.

My grandson snuggled up to his mum this morning, and she said 'Sorry' we have not been able to do all the things we had planned for halfterm, as we have all had 'bugs'

Thats alright mummy I have had a bug too. Which one have you had.

MAN FLU WHAT IS THAT SHE SAID?
a cold of course mum.

Out of the mouths of children - do you agree ladies.
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Old Feb 23rd 2009, 6:36 am
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Default Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt

If Nelson were to fight the Battle of Trafalgar in 2009...

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the
meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir, you'll have to read this."

Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or her
duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious
persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this, Hardy?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, sir. We're an equal opportunity employer now.
We had the devil's own job getting ' England ' past the censors, lest it
be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free
working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main
brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it -
Full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think sir, you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in
this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest
please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness;
and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let
anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck, Sir."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
environment for the differently-abled."

Nelson: "Differently-abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse
even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral
by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in
the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let
the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone
breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such rubbish. Break out the cannons and tell
the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being
charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There're a couple of
legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners
now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in
this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-coordinator hear you
saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your
King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural
age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your
life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,
sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case, kiss me. Hardy"
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Old Feb 23rd 2009, 5:43 pm
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Default Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt

High Speed Grandma

High Speed Grandma was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day HSG was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?'

HSG fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away HSG sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' HSG dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

As HSG neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand.

'Oh, good grief,' yelled High Speed Grandma, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!

Sorry HighSpeedGrandma, but I just knew you would be up for the laugh

Best regards over the pond.

John
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Old Feb 24th 2009, 11:32 am
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Default Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt

Originally Posted by John Chappell
High Speed Grandma

High Speed Grandma was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day HSG was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?'

HSG fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away HSG sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' HSG dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'

As HSG neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand.

'Oh, good grief,' yelled High Speed Grandma, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!

Sorry HighSpeedGrandma, but I just knew you would be up for the laugh

Best regards over the pond.

John
Love it. Thanks John.
I love this stuff.
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Old Feb 24th 2009, 3:54 pm
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Don 't Mess with Old People!!!

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win your money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

Grandpa said “I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it! How about I give you a demonstration?”

The auditor thought for a moment and said, “Okay, Go ahead.”

Grandpa says, “I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thought for a moment and said, “It's a bet.”

Immediately Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Then Grandpa says, “Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

Obviously the auditor can tell that Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa then removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He now starts to get nervous.

”Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks with a smile, “I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage to do that, so he agrees again to the bet

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But now, Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands and is visibly distressed.

”Are you okay?” the auditor asks.

”Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!”

John
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Old Feb 24th 2009, 4:10 pm
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Default Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt

:
Originally Posted by John Chappell
Don 't Mess with Old People!!!

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win your money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

Grandpa said “I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it! How about I give you a demonstration?”

The auditor thought for a moment and said, “Okay, Go ahead.”

Grandpa says, “I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thought for a moment and said, “It's a bet.”

Immediately Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Then Grandpa says, “Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

Obviously the auditor can tell that Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa then removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He now starts to get nervous.

”Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks with a smile, “I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage to do that, so he agrees again to the bet

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But now, Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands and is visibly distressed.

”Are you okay?” the auditor asks.

”Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!”

John
Thanks for brigthening my days.
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Old Feb 25th 2009, 1:50 am
  #74  
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Default Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt

Inner Peace

I am passing this on to you all because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha marinder of botl of Prozic and Valum pscriptins, the res of the Chesescke and a box a chocolets.

Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel.

Preas sen dis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece

John
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Old Feb 25th 2009, 11:28 am
  #75  
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Default Re: I Laughed So Much It Hurt

Originally Posted by John Chappell
Inner Peace

I am passing this on to you all because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives.

Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha marinder of botl of Prozic and Valum pscriptins, the res of the Chesescke and a box a chocolets.

Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel.

Preas sen dis orn to dem yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece

John
John, I have no idea where you get these from or if you make them up, but if you are like this in 'real life' you must be a hoot to live with.
I love coming into work and seeing what else has been posted.
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