John Chappell

Congratulations Noni,

Busy yesterday so missed it until this morning, well deserved.

John

John Chappell

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Testimonials of a few people who did.

1. I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow-job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word... he knew better.

2. I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who work at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I
looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

3. My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. This, my sister has never let me forget.

4. While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I'll tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me was screams of laughter.

5. Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on at him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an
accident and don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you sure you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled: "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the
best laugh they'd ever had!

6. This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. Here's what happens when you predict snow but don't get any. A true story!! We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, they were laughing so hard!

Regards to all

John

hemingway

Hi Noni, congratulations on your newly elevated status!

Best Wishes

Hemingway.

noni

Emsirrah - may fancy you if you look like the mud man.

Return of Santan

NONI.. a mod off her rocker ?!

Congratulations.

K-C

John Chappell

Two Short Stories !!!

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?' 'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, Isn't that obvious?)

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her 'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading' 'Yes, but you have all the equipment on board. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write up a fixed penalty.'

'For reading a book,' she replies, 'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her again, 'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading' 'Yes, but you have all the equipment on board. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write up a fixed penalty.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman. 'But I haven't even touched you,' says the game warden. 'That's true, but you have all the equipment on board. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' he said as he left !!!

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.


Dad at the Shopping Mall

I took my dad to the Shopping Mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look up and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response...

'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'



Regards to all

John

hemingway

This was e-mailed to me & I was asked to post it in this thread.



Prime Minister John Howard - Australia

Muslims who want to live under Islamic Sharia law were told on Wednesday to get out of Australia, as the government targeted radicals in a bid to head off potential terror attacks.


Separately, Howard angered some Australian Muslims on Wednesday by saying he supported spy agencies monitoring the nation's mosques. Quote: ' IMMIGRANTS, NOT AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT. Take It Or Leave It. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Bali , we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Australians.'


' This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom'


' We speak mainly ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society, learn the language!'


' Most Australians believe in God. This is not some Christian, right wing, political push, but a fact, because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture.'


' We will accept your beliefs, and will not question why. All we ask is that you accept ours, and live in harmony and peaceful enjoyment with us.'


' This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this. But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about Our Flag, Our Pledge, Our Christian beliefs, or Our Way of Life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great Australian freedom,


' THE RIGHT TO LEAVE'.'

' If you aren't happy here then LEAVE. We didn't force you to come here. You asked to be here. So accept the country YOU accepted.'


Maybe if we circulate this amongst ourselves,British citizens will find the backbone to start speaking and voicing the same truths.

hemingway

Barking mad - only possible in Goa/India:

http://sify.com/news/fullstory.php?i...55&?vsv=TopHP7

Also posted on the 'in today's newspapers thread.

Regards

Hemingway

johnny five

A husband was watching a rugby match when his wife interrupts,

"Honey,could you fix the light in the hallway? it's been flickering for weeks now."

He looks at her and says angrily, "fix the lights now? does it look like i have powergen written on my forehead? i don't think so!"

"fine!" she say's then the wife asks, "well then, could you fix the fridge door? it won't close right."

to which he replied, "fix the fridge door? does it look like i have frigidaire written on my forehead? i don't think so!"

"fine!" she says "then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? they are about to break."

"i'm not a carpenter and i don't want to fix steps" he says, "does it look like i have taylor woodrow written on my forehead? i don't think so! iv'e had enough of this, i'm going to the pub!!!"

so he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple of hours......

he starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife,and decides to go home.

as he walks upto the house he notices that the steps are already fixed.

as he enters the house, he sees that the hall light is working.

as he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

"honey," he asks, " how'd all this get fixed?"

she said,"well, when you left i sat outside and cried. just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and i told him. he offerred to do all the repairs and all i had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake."

he said," so, what kind of cake did you bake?"


she replied, " hellooooooo.., do you see mr kipling written on my forehead? i don't think so!"!

johnny five

And now for one that made me laugh............

A man is in bed with his Thai girlfriend. After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his p*nis, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.

Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her:

'Why do you love doing that?'

she replies:

'Because I really miss mine'.

emsirrah

noni - that is not a mud man - he is the little boy in Slumdog who jumped into the outside loo so you can guess that it is not mud.

emsirrah

Now I am going to send this to a friend who has a Thai girlfriend - think he will reall appreciate it

And I will tell him J5 told it to me !!!

noni

[QUOTE=hemingway;7236144]This was e-mailed to me & I was asked to post it in this thread.

Attachment 77697

Prime Minister John Howard - Australia

Muslims who want to live under Islamic Sharia law were told on Wednesday to get out of Australia, as the government targeted radicals in a bid to head off potential terror attacks.


Separately, Howard angered some Australian Muslims on Wednesday by saying he supported spy agencies monitoring the nation's mosques. Quote: ' IMMIGRANTS, NOT AUSTRALIANS, MUST ADAPT. Take It Or Leave It. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Bali , we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Australians.'


' This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles, trials and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom'


' We speak mainly ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society, learn the language!'


' Most Australians believe in God. This is not some Christian, right wing, political push, but a fact, because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture.'


' We will accept your beliefs, and will not question why. All we ask is that you accept ours, and live in harmony and peaceful enjoyment with us.'


' This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this. But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about Our Flag, Our Pledge, Our Christian beliefs, or Our Way of Life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great Australian freedom,


' THE RIGHT TO LEAVE'.'

' If you aren't happy here then LEAVE. We didn't force you to come here. You asked to be here. So accept the country YOU accepted.'


Maybe if we circulate this amongst ourselves,British citizens will find the backbone to start speaking and voicing the same truths.[/QU
'

Hemmingway, sad but true, wish our politicians had the balls (parios)
to say the same thing. Would we be treated the same here!!! No way unfortunately, sad but true.

John Chappell

I have a good one coming for you J5, I'm sure you will like it.

John

John Chappell

Here ar another two which made me smile

The Irish Priest

An Irish priest is transferred to Texas. Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside.

He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:
'Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?'

'And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn, would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?'

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a Smirk, 'Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!'

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: 'Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.'


The Love Child

Two gay men decide to have a baby.

They mixed their sperm together and had a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it.

When the baby was born, they rushed to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming.

Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs.

'Isn't it wonderful?' one gay says to the other. 'All these unhappy babies ..... and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay love!'

The nurse says, 'Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his arse!'

Regards to all

John